by Liz Tipping
I sighed and wanted to cry.
“Cara,” she said, dipping down to get a look at my now bowed head. “Whatever is the matter?”
“Nothing,” I said, feeling like I would snivel any minute. One eye leaked and I instinctively raised the cardigan to my eye to dab it.
“Well, don’t be using your cardigan to wipe your nose. Come on, we’ll get the biscuits.” Then she shouted upstairs to Dad. “We’re getting the good biscuits out.”
Mum bundled me and my cardigan into the living room.
“Now come on, Cara, what’s this all about? Is it about this job? Because you don’t have to go if you don’t want to.”
And I sat there and poured out everything about how I thought I liked Daniel and how Stubbs wanted to go out with April, but he had never asked anyone out before and how I thought if I was more interesting then someone would notice me.
And she listened and didn’t say a word. She just fed me lemon puff biscuits and more cups of tea and then said, “And does Stubbs know how you feel about all this?”
“No,” I said.
“Oh.” She passed me another biscuit.
“Will I phone him and tell him?” she said, this seeming to her to be the most logical step.
“No,” I said, alarmed.
“Okay then,” she said.
“And then the shop’s closing and me and Liv want to do an outdoor cinema event, but we’ll never raise the money to buy the equipment unless we sell enough tickets or sell nearly everything in the shop. And I kind of wanted to do it. I thought it could be like a kind of job, then I wouldn’t have to leave because I don’t think I want to.”
“Well that sounds like a splendid idea. And why on earth can’t it be a job? You don’t have to have a job job do you? Look at me. I made my own job. How much do you need to raise?”
“Too much,” I said.
“Perhaps I could help?”
“No, Mum. I can’t take your money.”
“I wasn’t offering you the money, love, I was saying it’s very possible, that I may have all the equipment you need right here, and I need to test it out so you’d be doing me a favour. What do you need?”
I couldn’t believe it. Liv and I had been so worried about money for equipment when it was possible that Mum had everything here all along.
“I need a projector for a start,” I said.
“Oh yes, I have a few of those. Brand new in the box. Here.”
I couldn’t believe there was a choice of them. She had everything we needed: audio equipment, cinematic projectors, all of it. She even had a screen.
“This is brilliant, Mum, honestly. At least it can all go ahead.”
“And I can let everyone know about it. I’m doing the radio tomorrow and I’ll put out a few messages on Twitter.”
This was genius. I couldn’t wait to tell Liv. I felt excited again. A hundred times more excited than I felt about leaving town.
Dad came in from the shed and helped me move all the equipment into his car. He declared the outdoor cinema a cracking idea and said he couldn’t wait to come along. While we loaded up the car, I asked Liv for the ticketing information, sent it to Mum, and me and Dad set off for the shop.
“Cracking idea, love, cracking idea,” Dad kept saying.
“Yeah, I hope people come,” I said.
“Course they will, love; you’ll have a better attendance than Uphill United that’s for sure!”
Back at the shop, we unloaded the stuff and Dad said his goodbyes, leaving me alone for a moment. I pulled the cardigan out of my bag and held it up against myself, using the window to see my reflection. I couldn’t believe how much I had wanted it and now it was mine, it wasn’t the thing I wanted at all, and it didn’t fit me. Like Daniel and Stubbs. I missed Stubbs, I knew that much.
My phone bleeped in my bag and I took it and saw it was a text from Daniel. “Great to see you.” My stomach fluttered a little. I went home and started packing up my films, as I’d be leaving here anyway. I flicked through the channels on the TV and noticed I had missed The Breakfast Club. It was just at the end when they read the letter out about who they think they are. I wondered who everyone thought I was but then I realised it didn’t matter. Saturday was so close now, the cinema event even closer. The cardigan hadn’t fit me properly, just like the hand-me-downs I had worn at school, and I realised it was time to stop trying to fit into things that weren’t for me.
Chapter Eighteen
The next few days went by in a whirl. The closing down sale brought customers into the shop, which kept us busy, and we were also busy organising for the cinema event. By the time the day of the film event had come around Mum had put out messages on all her platforms – Twitter, Facebook – and the tickets had sold out after she talked about it in her radio slot. Divvy had some musician mates who specialised in outdoor gigs who he said owed him a favour and they would help out with any technical stuff, although Mum was also on hand to assist with all the equipment. The shop was busy every day and we’d sold more than half of the stock. There were so many people in and out of the shop, we didn’t have time to think. In any of the brief lulls, I tried to forget that I hadn’t been in contact with Stubbs. I missed him but I was certain he’d come along to support me. I’d put the thought of leaving to the back of my mind and I hadn’t even packed even though I’d have to be out of the flat in the next few days.
I loved organising the event. It was exciting to think Liv and I were creating this special moment. There was something exhilarating about turning the car park and grassed bank into something totally different and creating this spectacle that everyone would share and would talk about afterwards. I really hoped we could make a success of it. The ball was put even further back in my list of important priorities. I hadn’t even got myself anything new to wear for the ball and had resigned myself to wearing a little black dress now that the cardigan had arrived and didn’t fit me. Now that Daniel had asked me out, I didn’t have to worry about impressing him or trying to be cool and I was happy being myself. I carried the cardigan around with me in my bag, occasionally taking it out and looking at it.
After lunch we had a brief lull and I decided to walk around to the club to see if Stubbs was working.
Stubbs wasn’t behind the bar, but April was and I was a little taken aback to see her there. “Hi,” she said. “Stubbs is just out the back. I’m collecting the ticket money for tomorrow. You’re coming, aren’t you?”
I nodded.
“It’s going to be a busy weekend,” she insisted.
“Yes,” I said. And we’ve got the big event tonight.” I pointed my thumb over my shoulder to demonstrate to April where the event would be and how I was going to get there. I was the embodiment of awkwardness.
“Oh yes. I heard it about it on the radio. Exciting stuff,” she said. And she was being so nice as well. It was like being with Stubbs had injected her with niceness. “Cara, I just wanted to say…” She paused for a moment. “I just wanted to say that I’m sorry I didn’t stick up for you at school. And I’m sorry that we didn’t stay friends.”
I felt a lump in my throat when she said it and I didn’t answer her because I thought my voice would shake. I took a moment to breathe in and compose myself.
“Oh it was all so long ago, April,” I said.
“Yeah, but I’ve kind of been carrying it around with me. We used to have such fun at primary school. I’m so sorry. I tried so hard to fit in with everyone. I don’t think I was particularly nice. I was thinking, if you like, maybe we could be friends now?”
I nodded. “Yes, April, I’d like that,” I said and I could see April start to fill up a little. I hadn’t realised that someone like April could be carrying this stuff around her like me. Perhaps she was looking for her own moments too.
“Okay, well if I don’t see you tomorrow we’ll catch up at the ball, yes? Stubbs said you were looking forward to it.” She leant back against the fridges; I could tell she felt r
eally at home.
I bristled at the thought of Stubbs talking to April about me but maybe April needed Stubbs in her life, like I had. I took a deep breath in and tried to let go of the idea that he was “My Stubbs” when he appeared at the door. He looked straight at me and then quickly side-glanced at April and raised his eyebrows slightly. April looked down.
“All right?” he said.
“All right,” I answered, barely lifting my head up, not wanting to make eye contact with him.
“Look, I’ll go and count all this stuff up over there to give you two a minute,” said April.
Stubbs was giving her little knowing looks now and then. I felt sad that Stubbs was going to have his own little in-jokes with her instead of me. But I knew one thing and that was I still wanted him to be my friend. I’d get used to it eventually and I wanted to apologise.
“I’m sorry about the other day,” I said. “I’m sorry about everything.”
“Yeah, me too,” he said.
“I just…” I started to talk and stopped myself because I was filling up again.
“I know,” he said. He tapped me on the arm lightly. “Look, it’s all cool. We’re cool. Honest.” So many reassurances just made me think that we weren’t that cool yet but I’d take whatever he was offering.
“Thanks,” I said.
“So we’re friends again?” he said.
I nodded. “Yeah, friends.”
“Are you coming on Saturday?” he said. “Come on, you have to. Please, Cara, I really want you to be there. I’m pleased for you about the job. Just what you wanted eh?”
I was a little hurt he wasn’t more upset about me leaving.
“Daniel has asked me to go with him on Saturday,” I said. I had been reluctant to tell him, as I knew he didn’t like him much. “Still haven’t even got anything to wear. Not even this.” I took the cardigan from the bag and passed it to him.
“It’s arrived then. Brilliant. You must chuffed,” he said, excited for me.
“Yeah, it’s too small though,” I said. “Plus, I don’t think I’ve become effortlessly cool or even particularly interesting. As it is, I’m just the same. But that’s okay.”
“Good,” he said.
“Good?”
“Yeah, good. That’s how it should be. Just the way I like it.” He said it with something of a flirty tone, which caused me to break out in a sweat. He walked round from behind the bar. He took the cardigan from me and held it up against me and laughed. “Well maybe you could frame it or something.”
“Maybe,” I said.
“I need you to do one last thing for me,” he said. “At the ball, I need you to help me with something.”
“Okay,” I said, feeling everything other than okay.
“I’m still going to do it,” he said. “Can’t believe I’m going to actually ask someone out for the first time.”
I nodded as he looked at April who was on her way over.
She apologised saying she had to get something.
“Oooh nice cardigan,” she said, reaching out to touch it. My instinct was to snatch it back from her but I realised that would have been petty. Satisfying, but petty.
“Thank you. It, er, doesn’t really fit,” I said.
I eyed April’s tiny frame. “Might fit you though, if you want it.”
“Really?” she said. “Wow. Are you sure? That’s so nice of you, Cara.”
“Yeah.” I nodded and passed it to her and she tried it on and looked at herself in the mirror. “It suits you,” I said and smiled. Here was April wearing my old cardigan, instead of me wearing hers. I wonder if she even remembered me wearing her hand-me-downs at school. But I didn’t need April’s cardigans or Molly Ringwald’s cardigan any more. Things had changed now and what I thought I had wanted and what this cardigan represented wasn’t what I wanted at all. It suited April, she looked lovely in it and her and Stubbs – I was reluctant to admit – would make a lovely couple.
“Hey thanks,” she said. “I’ll get you a drink later. Thanks, Cara, that’s really sweet of you.”
“You’re welcome,” I said.
“I’ll see you later then,” Stubbs said. “We’ve got our tickets,” he said.
I winced at the “we” – did this mean he and April were an item? Then why was he still saying he wanted to ask her out? Either way, we were friends again.
“Great,” I said. “I’ll see you later then. Better get back.” I walked away. I’d got to the door before I realised it would have been a great moment for a Watts-style “Break his heart and I’ll break your face.” From Some Kind of Wonderful.
When I got back to the shop Derek was in there buying up all the The Only Way Is Essex box sets and Roger was scoffing cakes while Liv was making him hand over cash and trying to sell him a ticket, claiming it was a screening of Free Willy.
“Everything all right?” she said tilting her head to the side.
“I think so,” I said.
“It will be,” she said, putting her arm around me. “Tonight’s going to be great.”
Roger and Derek made their way out of the shop.
“I suppose we better close up then, for the last time,” I said.
Liv nodded and her eyes started to fill up with tears, which in turn made me all teary. So many years here and this was going to be the last day. I’d made friends with Stubbs and while I didn’t like the idea of him and April being a couple, I was glad he was my friend again. While the shop closing was scary, I felt optimistic. I had other stuff to do. I was going to the ball with Daniel and I had my new job to look forward to – maybe things weren’t so bad.
*
Divvy and Verity arrived around six to help us set up and people began filtering in. Derek and Weird Roger were among the first to arrive and sat together in picnic chairs right at the front. Then more people arrived and brought picnic blankets and food and sat around the edge of the green. Mum was stood near the back and welcomed her hordes of fans, while Dad had brought along his pals from Uphill United. All the staff from the bingo and social club came too. The ladies who didn’t remember me from bingo were there and said, “Hello, Cara,” as they passed and I was thrilled they remembered me.
Me and Verity stood by the screen watching everybody arrive. April and a group of her friends sat on a huge picnic blanket with bottles of champagne. April smiled and waved at me. I looked around to see if I could find Stubbs when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I turned around to see Daniel stood there and was saying hello to him when I caught Stubbs out of the corner of my eye. He clocked I was with Daniel and gave me a brief half wave and made his way over to join April and her friends. I was gutted he didn’t come over, but I could see why he wouldn’t want to. He and Daniel weren’t exactly the best of friends.
I turned away from Stubbs to speak to Daniel. He asked me how things were going and if I needed any help. Still with those mesmerising eyes. He wore a suit, which he looked hot in, but it made him look a little too conventional compared to Stubbs who was more authentic. It was like Daniel was still trying to fit in.
“This is really cool, what you’re doing, Cara,” he said.
“Thank you,” I said.
Daniel Rose had just said I was cool and here I was about to do something successful for once. I’d probably been waiting all my life to hear something like this but I was too distracted by watching Stubbs hanging out with April and her friends for any of it to sink in.
“I’ll let you get on, then,” said Daniel. “You must be busy.”
“Yeah, sorry,” I said. “I better get things started.”
The sun was going down and it was time to start. I joined Liv in the undercover area where we’d set the projector up.
“Ready?” she said and squeezed me.
“Yes,” I said.
“Come on, let’s do this then.”
We started the film and a hush fell everywhere. Everyone turned to look towards the screen and I loved it because everyone was eng
aged but no one was looking at me.
Me and Liv hugged each other when a man approached.
“You need to stop this event,” he said.
“What? Who are you?” Liv said.
“You’re breaking the law I’m afraid.”
I turned to see a man holding a clipboard, wearing a suit and a lanyard. He tore off a sheet and handed it to us.
“What’s this?” I said.
“It’s what you need to pay for the licence.”
“But we spoke to the council,” said Liv. “We’re allowed to have an event.”
“An event maybe. But you need to pay to screen a film to this many people.”
He showed us how much it was. Me and Liv routed around for our cards so we could pay and get the screens up and running. People were getting restless.
“In cash,” he said.
“Cash?” said Liv. “I haven’t got that much cash on me. Who has that much cash on them?”
“Then you’ll have to cancel.”
My heart sank. No one around here would have that much money on them. I was devastated that we’d have to cancel.
I heard someone shout, “What’s happening?”
Liv pleaded with the man and said we would pay on Monday and gave him her word we would, but he was insistent.
“You’ll have to tell everyone,” said Liv who was getting herself really upset.
“What? How?”
“You’ll have to tell them, go in front of the screen.”
“I can’t,” I said. “Everyone will look at me.”
“If you don’t, we’ll be lynched. Just make sure they know we’ll refund them.”
Everything was ruined. If I was going to have my magic moment this weekend, this certainly wasn’t it. And now I was going to have to face my worst fears and get up in front of everybody and tell them there was to be no screening. If I’d have gone ahead and shown the film, then I would have been a criminal and at that moment, I was fairly sure, I didn’t want that to be my thing. One of Divvy’s mates passed me a microphone and I edged my way towards the screen, stepping sideways in the hope that no one would notice me.