Whatever it meant, she knew she couldn't relax until she knew exactly what Ryan was saying about her. As she sat at the edge of the table, picking at her final slice and painfully aware that she was now a third wheel on her mom's date, she knew she had to read the full conversation.
She just hoped Jack had been right about Ryan being dumb as a sack of rocks.
*
Back home after another torturous hour at the restaurant Sophia hurried back to her room, locked the door behind her, jumped into bed and pulled out her iPad. She quickly logged out of her own Facebook account, keyed in Ryan's email and his ridiculously weak password, and held her breath for a few moments as the page loaded.
Success! She was in.
For the first time since the restaurant she was suddenly gripped with guilt. Should she really read Ryan's private conversation, even if it was about her? Wasn't it just the most fucking gross invasion of privacy?
Of course it was, she knew, but it wouldn't stop her. She needed to know what Ryan really thought of her. She was already uncomfortable enough living in this strange, alien house, and she just couldn't deal with sleeping next door to a guy who seemed to hate her being there. She needed to know why.
Sophia's heart seemed to stop for a moment as she clicked the inbox icon, and her palms were sweaty as she searched through the messages. She didn't know who Ryan was talking with, so she decided to check out all his recent messages until she found the right one. She clicked the first open, a chat with a girl named Sarah, and quickly scrolled back a couple of weeks. Her heart began racing and her breath caught in her throat as she started reading. She knew what she was doing was horrible, but she just couldn't stop herself.
Sarah: How's it going, slugger? You seemed pretty down last night. Josh was a little worried.
Ryan: Yeah, sorry for talking your ear off. I'm just in a really weird place, you know? This is like some sort of fucking nightmare.
Sarah: Don't worry about it, buddy, that's what we're here for. Have you tried talking to your dad about it?
Ryan: No, no way. Never in a million years. Can you even imagine? I mean, what's he gonna do? Call off the engagement?
Sarah: Yeah, I guess it's not a conversation I'd want to have with my dad either :( Well, we're here for you if you need to talk, OK?
Ryan: Thanks, Sarah. I appreciate it.
The next message down was from a guy named Pearce.
Pearce: Yep, it's a pretty FUBAR situation dude. To doink or not to doink, that is the question. P.S. I say doink like it's the last doink you'll ever get.
Ryan: Come on, dude, be serious. I need some advice.
Pearce: I feel you, buddy, but you know I'm no good with this serious bullshit. My advice is all, y'know, doink related.
She scrolled through the messages until she found one from Josh, guessing this was the same Josh mentioned in Sarah's chat. She scrolled back about three weeks.
Josh: Hey, buddy. You wanna talk? Sarah said you got girl troubles?
Ryan: Thanks, man. Yeah, pretty down right now. It's about Sophia.
Josh: Ah, the one that got away (well, you never really baited the hook, but same difference).
Sophia read the line a few times over. Was he talking about her?
Ryan: Yeah. So it looks like things are getting serious between my dad and her mom. Dad just asked me how I feel about them moving in with us.
Josh: Jesus! What did you say?
Ryan: What COULD I say? I told him it was a good idea. I'm fucked.
Josh: So I know this sounds crazy, but do you think there's a chance you might just get over her? I mean, like, I don't know, find some way to get her out of your system of something?
Ryan: I don't think so, dude. If I could have done that I would have a long time ago. What the fuck am I gonna do? I've never been able to say more than two words to her without my heart jumping into my throat, and now she's gonna be living in the next room.
Josh: I dunno, man. OK, so here's a weird question. Would it really be that fucked up if you just asked her out? I mean, even when your dad marries her mom it's not like she's really your sister or anything, right? It's not illegal. I mean, it's fucking weird, don't get me wrong, but it's not actually illegal.
Ryan: I guess, but what about my dad? What about her mom? Jesus, what about her? Imagine if I told her how I felt, and it didn't work out? I'd have to see her every time I visited home. Every Thanksgiving, every Christmas. Fucking weirdness with my stepsister.
Josh: I see what you mean. It's gonna be weird whatever happens though, right?
Sophia held her breath as she scrolled through a week of unrelated chat. A buzzing noise filled her ears, and she couldn't think straight.
Ryan: I just fucked up royal, dude.
Ryan: You there?
Ryan: I really need to talk to someone.
Josh: Sorry dude, was on the subway. U OK?
Ryan: No. Fucked up bad. Hang on, typing a long one...
Ryan: So she moved in today. Thought she was coming tomorrow. I was out with Cassie to try to take my mind off things. We got stoned and I brought her back to my place. Didn't really want it, but you know... just wanted to distract myself. Anyway, seriously fucked up. Sophia was there. I wasn't thinking (weed, y'know?) and I was trying to to act cool with her. Think I acted like a douche. I pretended to forget her name and made it look like I didn't remember her from school. Don't even know why.
Anyway. I must have said something fucking stupid cause she kinda blew up at me. Don't even remember what I said. Think it was some stupid joke. Now I'm just sitting here feeling like my heart's torn in half. I can't speak to her without fucking things up.
Josh: Man, just take a breath. She still doesn't know how you feel, right? Maybe you should just get out of there. It really doesn't sound like you're handling it well. You know you can stay at Sarah's place, right? She's got a spare room, and her folks are out of town.
Ryan: Thanks man. I'm gonna try to stick it out here for a while longer. Gotta see if I can get it under control or it's just gonna be like this every time I see her until we die. It's really hard, though. I'm going fucking crazy. She's right there on the other side of the wall. I wish I could just walk into her room, grab her and kiss her. Fuck! This is so fucking fucked up. Why did I have to fall in love with the one girl I can't have?
Josh: Buddy, come to my place. Reeeeally sounds like you need a drink.
Ryan: Yeah, you may be right. OK, gimme an hour.
Sophia dropped the iPad to her lap. She just couldn't believe what she was reading. She looked around the room, half expecting Ryan and his friends to jump out from the closet, laughing at her. None of this made any sense.
She tapped the search bar and typed her own name into the box. Dozens of results appeared, all references to her in Ryan and Josh's conversation. She scrolled through them all, through page after page of results, until she finally came to the first, dated a little more than two years earlier.
Josh: So yeah, Sarah says new girl is called Sophia. Some scholarship girl, I think. She must be crazy smart.
Ryan: Crazy hot. I couldn't stop staring at her in the cafeteria today. Have you seen her eyes? Lucy got maaaaaaaaad.
Josh: So you gonna work your magic on her?
Ryan: I dunno. Thinking about it.
Another conversation, two weeks later:
Josh: You gotta man up, dude. If you like her just ask her out. It's not like you to pussy out.
Ryan: I can't, man. I've tried. Every time I try to talk to her I just freeze up. There's something different about her, you know? She's not like the other girls.
Josh: Feel that scratchy sensation? That's the sand in your vagina.
Ryan: Yeah, whatever.
A year later:
Ryan: Jesus fucking Christ, dude! My dad's DATING Sophia's mom!
Josh: Ha! Hey, you know what this means? If they get married, you'll be madly in love with your own sister.
Ryan: Fuck you. Not even
close to funny. Seriously.
Later still:
Ryan: I gotta stop with this endless procession of girls, man. It's not working. Can't go more than a couple of weeks without comparing them to Sophia, then it's game over.
Josh: Seriously, buddy, this is getting out of hand. You've never even had a conversation with this girl. You gotta get past it.
Ryan: I can't. I've loved her from the moment I first saw her. Can't help it. Can't turn it off.
Josh: Sarah says you're sweet. I think you're fucked up.
Ryan: I don't know which of you is right.
Sophia wiped a tear from her eye. She hadn't even noticed she was crying. She didn't even know why she was crying, but she suddenly felt an enormous sense of loss. It was as if, learning that someone had felt this way about her for a whole two years without her having a clue, that time had been wasted. It was as if those two years had been yanked from her life; frittered away hating a guy who, for whatever reason, was obsessed with her... loved her.
Now, as she sat in her bed clutching the iPad like it was the only thing keeping her afloat out at sea, she realized she'd not only wasted two years but missed the opportunity for something that could have been amazing. As the scales fell from her eyes she understood that, without intending it, she'd caused Ryan to act in the very way that made her hate him. Was that irony? She didn't know. Maybe it was just cruelly fucked up.
And now it was too late. Now, when she finally learned the truth, it was far, far too late to do anything about it. Now that they were separated only by a thin wall it felt as if they were further apart than ever before. They'd soon be related. Maybe not by blood, but in the eyes of the world the moment her mother married his father Ryan would be Sophia's brother. His love for her, already hidden, would be forbidden.
Sophia didn't know what to do.
She didn't know how she felt.
Could she... did she feel the same way?
*
For five days Sophia had successfully avoided... well, everything and everyone. She'd spent most of her time locked away in her room, reading, watching movies, and fucking around on the Internet. She tried to fill her every waking moment with distractions, dreading the moment she turned the lights out, lay back in bed and was left with nothing but her thoughts, which had grown more disturbing as the week went by.
When she'd first read Ryan's messages she'd been shocked more than anything It had taken her a day or two to properly process what she'd read. She just didn't know how to feel. All this time she'd thought Ryan was a jackass, an asshole who worked his way through an endless roster of girls without any real feelings for any of them, and now it turned out he did. Not just feelings, but love, and for Sophia of all people.
Once the worst of the shock had passed she found she couldn't get Ryan out of her mind. Of course she'd always been attracted to him. Everyone was attracted to him. He was a fucking beautiful specimen of physical perfection, from his tall, muscular body to his boyish good looks to that perfect tousled brown hair. It was almost impossible to imagine any woman who wasn't rendered speechless as he walked by, but Sophia had always been insulated from his stunning good looks by her hatred for him.
Now that hatred had melted away there was nothing to protect her. She obsessed about him. From the moment she woke up to the moment she finally, fitfully drifted off to sleep he was constantly on her mind.
The nights were the hardest. She lay still, as quiet as possible, and listened for movement on the other side of the wall. She prayed for sleep, but she could barely close her eyes until she heard Ryan's bedroom door open and close. She couldn't relax until she heard him kick off his shoes, undress and climb into bed – alone – with the sound of creaking bed springs Until the moment he lay down in bed she couldn't help but imagine him out on the town, meeting some random girl and following her back to her place. She knew it was crazy to feel jealous of an imaginary girl, but she couldn't help it. Her imagination ran wild.
When she finally heard the sound of Ryan climbing into bed, every muscle in her body would finally relax. She'd look at the wall and imagine it crumbling away. She imagined their two rooms becoming one. She imagined climbing out from under her sheets, crawling up her bed and down his. She imagined laying beside him, and whispering three simple words: “I love you.”
She imagined kissing him, and feeling him kiss her back. Him taking her body in big, strong hands that could palm a basketball, touching her, caressing her smooth olive skin. Sliding his hands down her body until he reached her panties. Slipping them down her legs. Climbing on top of her. Pinning her hands above her head. Kissing her neck as he slid himself slowly inside her, both struggling to stay quiet, desperate to keep the secret from their parents. Her biting her lip to keep from crying out his name.
Every night, without fail, she'd fall asleep in a mess of moist panties and slick fingers, physically satisfied but overflowing with shame and guilt. She couldn't help but think about him as she played with herself. Just the thought that he might be laying in bed, just inches away on the other side of the wall, thinking about her as he stroked himself... it pushed her over the edge. She knew it was wrong, but there was nothing she could do to resist short of tying her hands to the bedposts.
And then, on the sixth night, Ryan didn't come home. Sophia waited up all night watching reruns of the Daily Show on her iPad, trying to avoid staring at the clock, watching the minutes go by. Midnight came, and still there was no sound from his room. She wandered through the house, hoping to find him watching TV or fixing a snack, but every room was silent. She wanted to knock on her mom's bedroom door to ask if she knew why he might be, but as she passed she heard... well, she heard noises she really didn't want to hear coming from any room her mom was in.
She started to worry when 1AM came and went, and by 2AM she was almost panicking. She couldn't keep the image of Ryan fucking some bar skank out of her mind. She imagined him writhing around on top of a girl, kissing her, licking her, all the while wishing she was Sophia. She scolded herself when she realized she was turning herself on with the thought, and climbed back into bed to watch more TV.
It was almost 3 in the morning when she heard a car pull to a stop on the street below. She bolted out of bed to the window, hoping beyond hope it was a cab delivering Ryan home, and she froze when she saw it was a cop car.
It felt like an eternity before the door opened. Sophia imagined all the reasons the cops might show up in the early hours, but all them involved terrible news. Ryan had been hit by a car. He'd fallen on the subway tracks. He'd thrown himself off a bridge.
She held her breath as the cop, a dumpy Hispanic woman, climbed slowly from the driver's seat. For a moment it looked like she may be making her way to the front door of the house, but then she circled around the back of the car and tugged open one of the rear doors.
Ryan climbed out, steadied by the cop holding his arm. He slumped against the side of the car, and the cop pulled him back to his feet, speaking to him as she did. He pointed towards the front door of the house, and the cop started pulling him towards it.
Sophia ran across the room and out into the hallway, almost tripping as she reached the top of the stairs. She near enough threw herself down them in her rush to reach the front door before the cop rang the doorbell. She knew Ryan's dad would kill him if he found a cop at his door at 3AM.
She reached the front door moments before Ryan and the cop, and only as she pulled it open did she realize she was only wearing her bra and panties. Too late to worry about it.
“Good evening, miss. Do you know this young man?” The cop looked like she was in no mood to be escorting Ryan home in the early hours.
Sophia hid her body behind the door, showing only her head and left shoulder to the world. “Yes, officer. He's my, umm, well, he's my mom's boyfriend's son. I mean, I guess... I guess he's my stepbrother. Ryan. What happened?”
The cop scowled at Ryan. “We found him wandering the streets, drunk. Almost kille
d himself stepping out in front of our car.”
“Jesus! Ryan, are you OK?”
Ryan looked up for the first time, struggling to focus on Sophia through bleary, bloodshot eyes. “There she is,” he slurred, smiling. “This is Sophia, officer. She's the...” his voice shifted to a stage whisper, “She's the one I told you about.” He raised a finger to his lips. “Sssshhhh. Quiet. It's a secret.”
The officer rolled her eyes. “Look, miss, I don't want to have to take him down to the station, and I don't want to file charges against a kid because of 'high spirits'. I'd much prefer that he sleep it off, and we'll put it down to experience. Are your parents home?”
Sophia really didn't want to wake her mom and Jack, and – while she knew it was crazy, and just asking for trouble – she wanted the chance to spend some time with Ryan, even in this condition. “Umm, no, they're out of town, but you can leave him with me. Don't worry, I'll make sure he gets to bed.”
Stepbrother, Where Art Thou? Page 3