by Ann McMan
“But you don’t dislike her?”
“Lizzy?” Maddie nodded. “God, no. I like her a lot. I’m thrilled that she’s working with you—honest.” Syd shook her head. “I’m such an idiot.”
“Well, I wouldn’t say that, but I’m glad you don’t dislike Lizzy.”
“You really do value her, don’t you?”
“Yes, I do, but not as much as I value you.”
Syd was embarrassed. “It’s not a contest.”
“No, it isn’t.” Maddie held her gaze. “And, Syd?”
“Yes?”
“It won’t ever be.”
Syd lowered her eyes. Her heart was now hammering so hard she was certain that Maddie could hear it over the din in the bar. “Maybe I was,” she said quietly.
“Maybe you were what?”
“Maybe I was flirting with you.”
Syd found the courage to raise her eyes. Maddie was looking at her with a stunned expression. Before either of them could speak, their server arrived to deposit their check. He noticed their untouched salads with surprise.
“Is your food all right?” he asked with concern.
Maddie looked up at him. “It’s fine. We’re just taking our time.”
“Do you want a couple of to-go boxes?” he asked.
Maddie looked at Syd. She shook her head. “No, we’re fine. Turns out we weren’t as hungry as we thought we were.” She handed him her credit card, and he smiled before walking off.
Syd knew that her emotions were all over the map, and that she was rapidly digging herself deeper into a hole she couldn’t climb out of. But part of her didn’t care anymore. She was tired of trying to pretend that nothing was happening. It was dishonest, and it wasn’t fair to Maddie—who just seemed confused by her erratic behavior.
“I guess I owe you an explanation for that,” she said.
“You don’t owe me anything,” Maddie replied. “But I’d like to understand what’s got you so rattled.”
Syd looked down at her hands and the napkin she had twisted into a knot. She slowly smoothed the fabric out across her lap, then folded it and placed it on top of the table. “Want to get out of here?”
Maddie nodded. “Let me get my credit card back, and we’ll leave. Any place in particular you want to go?”
Syd dumbly shook her head. She saw their waiter approaching from the bar area.
“Okay,” Maddie said. “We’ll figure something out.”
MADDIE DROVE THEM back toward Jericho and impulsively turned off the highway at a public boat landing near the river. Syd had been mostly silent on the drive, but looked at Maddie when they made the turnoff for the river.
“Should I be worried?” she asked. “This looks pretty desolate.”
“Well, you once said that we needed to have more conversations in the dark, and at least this will be more private than the restaurant.”
“True.”
Maddie parked the Jeep near a couple of picnic tables. She reached behind their seats and picked up a long-handled flashlight. “And if you feel threatened, you can always hit me with this.” She handed it to Syd.
Syd took it from her. “I don’t want to hit you.”
“That’s comforting to hear. I was beginning to wonder.”
“Think it’s warm enough to sit outside?”
“C’mon, let’s try it. I have a blanket we can sit on.”
Syd smiled. “The infamous blanket. Tell me—do you just cruise this river road looking for wayward women to rescue?”
Maddie raised an eyebrow. “Wayward is not a term I would apply to you, but then, the night is young.”
“You didn’t answer my question.”
“I know. You don’t expect me to give up all my secrets, do you?”
Syd shrugged. “Why not? I seem poised to surrender most of mine.”
They were silent for a moment. Maddie unclipped her seatbelt. “In that case, we’ll definitely need the blanket.”
Syd followed suit and opened her door. “Wiseass.”
They got out and walked to a table near the water’s edge. Maddie spread the blanket out on the weathered top boards so they could sit facing the river with their feet resting on the bench. The night air was cool but not cold, and there was a gentle breeze blowing toward them from the opposite bank. The moon was nearly full, and its white light made random patterns on the inky surface of the water as it slowly drifted by. Maddie could see a pyramid of fresh-looking cigarette butts on the ground near the base of their table. Clearly, they weren’t the first people to sit there that evening.
“So, when did you know?” Syd asked, breaking the silence.
Maddie glanced at her. “When did I know what?”
Syd was looking out across the river. “When did you know you were gay?”
“Oh.” Maddie felt her heart rate quicken. “God. I don’t know. In high school, maybe? I had a decidedly un-platonic attachment to my track coach. I thought at first that maybe it was just because my relationship with Celine was so crappy, but that’s not what it was. By the time I went to college, I was pretty sure that the normal dating scene wasn’t really for me.”
“But you dated boys?”
“Oh, yeah. I gave ’em the old college try.” She laughed. “Quite a few of them, in fact. I didn’t actually date another girl until my senior year at Stanford.” She looked at Syd again. “I guess you’d call me a late bloomer.”
Syd snorted. “You call that late? What were you—nineteen?”
“More like twenty. And remember that my primary point of reference for embracing my sexuality was David. So, yeah, twenty seemed late.”
“David came out early?”
Maddie looked at her with disbelief. “You’re kidding me, right? I’m pretty certain he emerged from the womb belting out Judy Garland tunes.”
Syd smiled and playfully bumped Maddie’s shoulder. They sat in silence for another minute. Off in the distance, they could hear the whinny of an Eastern Screech Owl. Maddie anxiously wondered where Syd was headed with this train of thought. Given her recent yo-yo-like behavior, she wasn’t sure she’d find out any time soon.
“Michael said that it didn’t change anything,” Syd said.
Maddie was confused. “What didn’t change anything?”
“Being gay. He told me that it didn’t change anything about who you are. He said that it’s all pretty simple, and that once you figure it out, you either decide to accept it or not.”
Maddie felt her pulse race again. “Is that what he said?”
“Yeah.”
“Care to tell me why he told you this?” she asked, softly.
Syd finally faced her. “Why do you think?”
Maddie stared at her mutely. Syd’s expression was unreadable. Her question hung in the air between them. She knew she had to say something, but any response that came to mind seemed too charged with meaning. She felt more petrified than excited. She was tired of hiding, but she was also afraid of revealing too much. She slowly shook her head.
“I really have no idea.”
Syd tilted her head as she continued to regard her. “You don’t?”
“No.”
“Okay.” Syd leaned forward, closing the distance between them. “Then maybe this will help explain it.”
Maddie was stunned when Syd’s lips pressed against hers. She sat there rigidly with her eyes wide open, but as Syd continued the contact, she slowly relaxed into the embrace and raised her hands to rest on the Syd’s arms. She was careful not to push her away or pull her closer. As the pressure of Syd’s lips against hers became more determined, she felt lightheaded and tightened her handhold simply to hold herself upright. When Syd finally backed away, they both were breathing unevenly.
Syd’s eyes looked glassy. She leaned forward again, and this time, Maddie met her halfway. Syd moaned and parted her lips as they surged together. Maddie gasped and tugged her closer when she felt the first tentative touch of Syd’s tongue on hers. The con
tact was electric—the kiss becoming deeper and more consuming as they explored each other. Syd’s hands were now on Maddie’s face, pulling her even closer as they continued to kiss.
Finally, they broke apart—each taking rapid breaths as they gazed through the darkness at each other.
When she could find her voice, Maddie whispered, “Yeah, that helped.”
Syd rested her head on Maddie’s shoulder. “I thought it might.”
Maddie held her in silence for few moments. “I guess this means we’re actually going to have that chat about Richmond?”
She felt Syd smile against her neck. “I tried to tell you that you couldn’t avoid it forever.”
“Well, you sure found one hell of a persuasive way to get your wish.”
Syd sat back and met her eyes. “I just couldn’t hide it any more. It was ridiculous—to keep pretending that nothing was happening . . . that this wasn’t happening.” She raised her hands and held Maddie’s face between her warm palms. “I couldn’t keep lying to you—or to myself.”
Maddie turned her head and kissed the inside of Syd’s hand. “I know. I know.” She let out a slow breath. “What now?”
Syd gazed at her in wonder. “You’re asking me this question? My god, you’re the expert. I have no idea.”
Maddie smiled. “Well, I’d be lying if I didn’t say that one or two things occur to me immediately, but I’m really more concerned about you and your comfort level with all of this.”
Syd laughed nervously. “I really appreciate that. In all honesty, I’m not sure about anything right now.” She slowly ran her fingers across Maddie’s lips. “Well, that’s not entirely true. I’m pretty sure about one thing. That’s the second best kiss I’ve ever had.”
“The second best?” Maddie raised an eyebrow. “When was the first?”
“Outside Celine’s hotel in Richmond.”
“Oh.” Maddie smiled shyly. “Yeah. Me, too.”
Syd looked incredulous. “You, too?”
“Of course. Do you think I’m a block of wood or something?”
Syd leaned back and looked her up and down. “No . . . I can honestly say that nothing about you resembles a block of wood.”
“Is that a compliment?”
“Oh, yeah.”
Maddie smiled smugly. “Cool.”
“God.” Syd shook her head. “What am I doing?”
“You mean besides freaking both of us out?”
“Yeah.”
“I don’t know. And I won’t know until you do. So I think we need to take our time and not rush into anything you may not be ready for.”
“What are you ready for?”
Maddie hesitated. “I’m ready for whatever you want to give me.” She looked down at their tangle of hands. “I guess it’s pretty obvious that I’m attracted to you. Even though I’ve tried, I don’t think I’ve done the best job trying to conceal that.”
“What if I don’t want you to conceal it?”
Maddie smiled. “Well, that’s kind of a moot point now, isn’t it? But as much as I want this, I think we need to take it slow so you can be sure about your own feelings.”
Syd leaned into her, and Maddie wrapped her in both arms. “God, thank you for that. I’m so confused.”
“I know you are. It’s okay. This isn’t a race. You don’t have to hurry. We don’t have to hurry.”
Syd tightened her arms around Maddie. “Michael said the same thing.”
“He did?”
“Yeah.” She turned her face into Maddie’s neck and took a slow, deep breath. “God, you smell so good.”
Maddie closed her eyes and let the sensation wash over her. “Right back atcha.”
Syd lifted her head and met Maddie’s eyes. “Can we kiss some more? Before we start all the reality checks?”
Maddie brushed her lips across Syd’s and felt the unmistakable hitch in her breathing. “Before, during, and after—if you want.” They kissed again, slower this time.
When they separated, Syd whispered breathlessly, “I want.”
THEY SPENT THE better part of an hour sitting by the river, but they didn’t do much talking. When the growling of Syd’s stomach grew louder than any of the other ambient night noises, it became clear to them that they needed to make progress toward home. It was a weeknight, and they both had early mornings ahead.
When they arrived back at the library, Syd insisted that Maddie accompany her inside long enough to eat a quick sandwich before heading back to her farm. Maddie expressed initial reluctance at this idea, thinking that it probably wasn’t the best idea for the two of them to be alone in Syd’s apartment, but Syd told her they both were big girls and should be able to handle it.
“Big girls,” Maddie said, looking her over. “Therein lies the problem.”
Syd swatted her on the arm. “Quit looking at me like I’m some kind of appetizer.”
Maddie raised an ironic eyebrow.
Syd blushed. “Oh, good god, let’s just get inside.”
Once they were upstairs in the tiny apartment, Syd set about raiding her refrigerator to see what kind of makeshift meal she could pull together. Maddie took off her jacket and nervously paced around the living room.
“Maddie, will you please light someplace? You’re buzzing around like a gnat.” Syd walked back to the fridge. “How about a glass of wine? Will that settle you down?”
Maddie sighed and dropped down onto the sofa. “I don’t think a lobotomy would settle me down right now.” She sat tapping her fingers against the edge of the sofa cushion.
Syd laughed. “Is that a yes or a no to the wine?” She held up the bottle.
“Oh, that’s a yes. A big one.”
“Coming right up.” Syd poured her a generous glass and walked to the sofa to hand it to her. Maddie reached up to take the glass, and their eyes met.
Mistake number one, Syd thought, as she felt an undeniable surge of arousal. Maddie’s blue eyes were hypnotic. Syd bypassed her outstretched hand and set the glass down on the end table. Maddie took hold of her free hand and was gently pulled her down. Syd gave in to the pressure and bent forward at the waist to kiss her. Mistake number two. An innocent peck quickly became two, then three—each kiss slightly longer in duration. Before she had time to consider what she was doing, she straddled Maddie’s lap, and they were kissing deeply. Short-circuiting mistake number three, before it could become mistake number four, Maddie pulled back. She was breathing heavily.
“See why I told you this was a bad idea?” she said in a husky voice.
Syd leaned forward and slowly trailed her lips along Maddie’s hairline. “You did?” She continued to kiss her, making steady progress around the side of her face. “Tell me again why this is bad?’” she asked against Maddie’s ear.
Maddie moaned, but somehow managed to dislodge her earlobe from Syd’s mouth.
“Because it’s too fast.” She gently maneuvered Syd so that she slid off her lap and sat down on the cushion beside her, but she kept hold of her hands. “As much as I want this—as much as I want you right now—I want us to do this right.”
Syd tilted her head as she regarded her. “Were we about to do it wrong?”
Maddie laughed nervously. “Well, maybe not that part.”
Syd smiled at her shyly. Her heart rate was beginning to resume a normal rhythm. “How can you be so strong?”
Maddie sighed. “Trust me, I’m hanging on by a thread here. It’s only because I want this so much—want you so much—that I want us to take our time and be sure it’s right. I’ve made too many mistakes in the past, and I don’t want that to happen with you.” She kissed Syd softly on the forehead. “It’s too important. This time, it’s too important.”
Syd nodded. “Okay. I understand.” She sat back against the cushion and ran her thumb around in circles across the back of Maddie’s hand. “But it has to be a good sign, right?”
“What has to be a good sign?”
Syd met her ey
es. “I was just about ready to tear your clothes off. I think that must mean that I’ve made some progress in my journey of self discovery.”
Maddie let out a long, slow breath. “You’re really trying to kill me, aren’t you?”
Syd leaned forward until their faces were centimeters apart. “No, I think I want to keep you alive a little while longer.” She gave her as innocent a peck as she could manage and sat back with determination. Then she stood up and reached out a hand. “Come on, let’s make something to eat. We can sit on opposite sides of the table if we need to.”
Maddie stood up and snagged her wine glass off the end table. “Maybe we should’ve brought the flashlight inside with us.”
“Why?” Syd teased. “Planning on losing something in the dark?”
Maddie rolled her eyes. “No, but you certainly seem determined to.”
“I’ve always been a fast learner.”
“I’m beginning to realize that.”
Syd stopped and leaned slightly toward her, but Maddie took a step back. She sighed. “The table?”
Maddie nodded. “Opposite sides.”
“I never knew you were so strict.”
“You have no idea.”
“You know, there are about a hundred quick responses I could make to that revelation, but most of them involve items from the Babeland catalog.” Syd began ferrying sandwich items from the counter to her small kitchen table.
Maddie looked at her in surprise, and Syd laughed. “Yes, we have David to thank for that. It appears that I’ve been added to their mailing list. It’s the birthday gift that keeps on giving.”
“Oh, Jesus.”
“You can say that again.” She looked thoughtful. “In fact, I’m fairly certain there are a couple of items in their inventory guaranteed to make you say that again—and again.”
Maddie shook her head. “You’re really starting to scare me. I don’t know whether I should ravish you or run like hell.”
“Do I get a vote?”
Maddie deliberated for a moment, then nodded.
“Don’t run.”