As they drove back to his apartment, she said, “You smiled. In fact, you almost laughed.”
“That’s news?”
“For you? Yes. It’s a change. You’re loosening up. Finding your joy again.”
He had to think about that. “I’m not sure it’s finding my joy so much as learning to relax. And realizing that just because I’m not carrying an M16 anymore doesn’t mean there aren’t battles still going on. Some of them right here and now. I don’t have to slide into a life of indolent decadence because I’m not fighting in any third world countries.”
“College itself isn’t usually synonymous with ‘indolent decadence’,” she pointed out.
“Tell that to some of the frat guys.”
She considered a moment and shrugged. “Yeah, there’s that. I think that was even me freshman year. Maybe still is a bit me, but I’m growing up.”
“Aiming for a career in architecture will force you to do that.”
“Engineering too,” she said, thinking of what he’d said about wanting to move into the program.
“Engineering too. Of course the army forced it on me first.”
“But you’re finding the balance now. That’s good.”
They spent the Thanksgiving break with their respective families, and those were five long days. He missed her more than he would’ve guessed possible—not just the sex, but even though he enjoyed his family, the world seemed less bright without her company, her warmth, her laughter and conversation.
He was in way deep. He wished he knew if she felt the same level of commitment.
Chapter Six
Jen loved her family, but the Thanksgiving break seemed to go on forever. She missed seeing Blake and being with him so much it was like an open wound that wouldn’t stop aching. They talked on the phone every day, and that helped some, but it also alerted her family. She’d never cared about anyone enough to talk to him that often.
Her younger sister teased her about it and her older sister demanded details. Her mother asked more nicely and finally Jen relented and told them about Blake.
“This is sounding kind of serious,” her dad said when she finished.
“It might be,” she admitted. “Blake is different from the other guys I’ve met. More mature. More focused and disciplined.”
Her father studied her for a minute then said, quietly, “I think it’s rubbing off on you. And I can only think that’s a good thing. Are we going to get to meet him?”
“Soon, I hope. But we haven’t talked about anything…serious, yet. I’ve only known him for a few months.”
“I knew your mother was the one after three weeks.” Her father and mother traded mushy grins. Her younger sister made a gagging noise and then said, “Alert! Danger! Alert!”
A few months ago, Jen might have agreed with her, but now she understood. Would she and Blake stare at each other in that same mushy way twenty years from now? He’d hinted at it, but she didn’t know for sure he even wanted a more permanent relationship. And if he did? Did she? Did she want the kind of relationship she’d have with him? Aye, there was the rub—a line she’d heard quite a bit in her English Lit class. She liked the kinky sex, enjoyed it with him, but she wondered if the thrill would wear off with the shiny newness of it.
But even without the fun and wild excitement of the sexual relationship, she still found Blake interesting, stimulating and good company. The sex was good, great even, but the friendship they were forging was solid as well.
The break finally ended and they celebrated their reunion with a steak dinner they cooked at his apartment. Later she disobeyed an order and let him try out a new paddle he’d gotten. It had a nice zing, but she couldn’t take too much of it before it aroused her so thoroughly she couldn’t hold back the orgasm.
A week after they got back, the first snow of the winter fell, covering the campus in three inches of white fluff. By long tradition that meant classes were cancelled and the cafeteria set out old trays for use as makeshift sleds on the hill that rose behind the administration building. She dragged a reluctant Blake to the site. It wasn’t that he minded the actual sledding, he said, as much as he simply didn’t like being out in the cold. He’d spent the last several winters in warmer climates and didn’t know how to handle frigid temperatures.
When she told him he wouldn’t notice the cold after a bit, he was a good sport and went along with her. As she’d promised, he had a great time, sliding down the hill on separate trays or with the two of them squeezed onto one. By the time her fingers had begun to feel the cold through now-soaked gloves, they were ready for a late lunch in the cafeteria. But the cold didn’t bother her so much, really. She’d sacrifice more than just chilly toes and fingers to see the excitement and sheer joy on his face as he zipped down the hill like a kid, barely steering, unconcerned about the roll in the snow that would end the trip.
On their last trip down, they zipped faster than ever over snow that had begun to pack into ice. At the end, they managed to land together in a snow-laden bush at the side of a building, spilling together on their sides, with flakes raining down on them from shaking branches. They lay there for a moment, arms around each other and flakes dripping on them. She almost didn’t recognize the sound at first when he let out a full, hearty belly laugh. “You’ve snowflakes in your eyelashes,” he informed her.
“So do you,” she said. He had sparkles in his eyes too, but she didn’t mention that. The way he looked right then, so free, so open, so joyful, was too rare and exquisite to share, even with him. That was the moment she knew she was lost, completely and totally. He was the one, the only one for her.
Ironically, it was probably the after-effects of seeing that transformation that led her to what she would think of later as “the big mistake”.
It happened the next day, while she still reveled in the thrill of seeing his laughing face. When Tom Brissco and Lenny Green—the pair she collectively thought of as the Kappas—approached to ask her for help with their calculus assignment, she unthinkingly agreed and arranged to meet them after their morning classes. She had the afternoon clear, but Blake had a three o’clock seminar. They planned to meet afterward, which would give her plenty of time to work with the two before then.
She’d forgotten how slow and plodding those two guys were, and the number of interruptions they could manage in making semi-playful passes at her. Neither was stupid—far from it—but it took them a while to make sense of the math concepts she tried to explain. The passes weren’t really serious either, or at least she made it clear she wouldn’t take them seriously.
Time passed too quickly as they laboriously worked through the ten problems of the homework assignment. After an hour and a half they’d managed to get through only four of them with her explaining the concepts and supervising as they used them to work out the solutions themselves.
Her patience began to wane as the time ticked down closer to when she was supposed to meet Blake. With half an hour left, she compromised by solving the remaining problems herself and letting them watch and work with her. She told herself she was explaining it to them as she went along, but at least part of her brain knew they were simply copying without really understanding.
Jen wasn’t happy with herself for doing it. She’d promised the professor at the beginning of the term that she wouldn’t let them copy her work. The fact that she’d tried to explain the problems didn’t entirely wash since she knew they hadn’t made any effort to work these out for themselves.
She couldn’t bring herself to tell Blake about it later and hoped that it would never come to light. She’d never do it again.
And what if Blake did find out? She probably should tell him now. He’d be so disappointed if he found out some other way. Likely it wouldn’t happen, but…
She wanted to tell him. She really did. But she couldn’t make herself say the words.
Chapter Seven
The change was subtle, but noticeable. Jen seemed a bit dis
tracted, even a little depressed. It was so out of character and unusual, Blake asked her about it more than once. She claimed nothing was wrong, but he didn’t believe it. He didn’t know how to get her to open up.
He found out a couple of days later, near the end of the Calculus class. The professor held up their most recent homework assignments and passed them back, except for three that he held onto.
“Miss Jansen, Mr. Brissco and Mr. Green, would the three of you please see me after class?” The professor gave each a hard glance as he said their names. Jennifer went white.
The professor dropped the papers he still held onto his desk and went on to explain a couple of the homework problems that several people had gotten wrong. That took up the rest of the class. Blake got up and left with the other students, but he met Jen’s eyes as he walked past her. The distress in her expression made him want to stop and pull her into his arms, but she gave a small shake of her head to warn him off.
He nodded and left the room, but stopped just outside, staying by the wall so he wouldn’t block the exit, and waited. He didn’t intend to eavesdrop, but he couldn’t help hearing the professor’s words.
“As I was grading, I noticed an odd feature of these homework papers,” the man said once everyone else had left the room. “The problems are solved in identical ways, getting the right answers in all but one. And in that one, there is a small error that appears the same way on all three. In fact, these papers are completely identical.”
A charged silence followed the statement. Blake wanted to lean around the door to look in, but he refrained. Finally he heard something like a gulp from Jen before she spoke. “I was trying to help them do the problems themselves,” she said. “But it was taking too long and I got impatient. I let them work out the first few, then I just did the rest of the problems and let them follow along as I explained what I was doing.”
“I see,” the professor said. Another pause followed. “I can’t fault you completely since you were trying to help them. But on the other hand, it’s not right to let them copy your work either. And you guys did make some effort to do it the right way. So…”
He made them wait a few long, charged moments before he continued. “Here’s what I’m going to do. Come by my office tomorrow and I’m going to give each of you a new assignment. It will be twice as long but worth the same grade. And I expect each of you to work on it separately. You’ll have a week to return it to me. If you get it to me within that time and the work is acceptable—and your own—I’ll allow it to substitute for this assignment grade. Otherwise you get a zero for the assignment. Is that acceptable to all of you?”
“It’s more— It’s more than fair,” Jennifer said. “Thank you.”
The two guys muttered replies he couldn’t quite make out, but they sounded less gracious than Jen’s. He waited outside the door when he heard footsteps. The two guys came out first, both still grousing. Jen followed more slowly.
He stopped her as she left the room, waiting with her while the professor went by and moved out of earshot.
“Jen? What’s going on?” he asked.
“You heard?”
He nodded.
“It was stupid. I promised Professor Scott—and myself!—that I wouldn’t do it. But I got impatient and let them copy some of the answers. I’m mad at myself for letting it happen.” She drew a deep breath.
“You want to talk about it?”
“You have another class this afternoon, don’t you?” she asked.
“Yes, but I’ll skip it if you need me.”
“No. I mean it’s not that I don’t need you.” She shut her eyes for a moment against the distress that drew her face into uncharacteristic tight lines. “It’s just… I’m confused. Inside. I need some time to sort things out for myself.”
“See you tonight?”
She hesitated and his stomach twisted. “Not tonight. We’ll talk tomorrow.”
The tightness in his gut got worse, but if that was what she needed… “All right. Call me if you need me.”
She nodded and walked away.
Blake stayed there a bit longer watching her, hoping this was just a patch of bad weather and not a blow-you-away hurricane in the making.
* * * * *
Jen had a hard time holding back the tears long enough to get through her one afternoon class and then return to her dorm, where she could finally let them go in privacy. None of her suite-mates were around at that time of day, thank heaven. It gave her space to think once the first flood of emotion abated.
She’d made a mistake. It wasn’t the first, and likely wouldn’t be the last. So why was she this upset about it? The Blake Daniels factor, of course. Not just that he knew, but that he’d found out, not from her, but in class. That would feel like a bit of a betrayal to him, and it was. Not a big one, but still…
The biggest factor, though, was her bitter disappointment with herself. She’d made a promise and she’d broken it. Broken it deliberately, knowing she was doing it, simply because she ran out of patience.
Running a very close second was Blake’s disappointment and knowing what she ought to do about it. It terrified her that he would suggest punishment for it. But it might be even worse if he didn’t. She should call him and talk to him about it. Something inside her balked at that. She wasn’t ready. Not yet.
Instead she spent the rest of the afternoon working on the make-up math problems, then went to dinner with two of her suite-mates and passed the evening reviewing course work for her other classes. Finals were only a couple of weeks away. Blake didn’t call, which was more relief than disappointment. She wasn’t ready to talk to him yet.
After a poor night’s sleep, she woke knowing she had to talk to Blake that day. They both had classes or meetings through the morning and early afternoon, but she called and arranged to get together with him at three. She barely managed to pay attention to anything that went on before then.
When she finally met Blake at the parking lot, his lean, handsome face wore a worried frown. He studied her for a moment before nodding and escorting her to his car. They didn’t talk on the short drive to his apartment. At his place, he went and got beers for each of them, then nodded toward the sofa. He sat and she went to settle on the other end, but he drew her toward him, holding her so that her back was against his chest, his arms around her and hands folded under her breasts.
He drew a deep breath that she felt as well as heard before he said, “It’s about yesterday, isn’t it?”
“Yeah. I messed up. What really kills me is I knew I was doing it too.”
“Why did you?”
She tried to laugh, but it sounded more like a sob. “That’s the real irony. I said I’d help them with the assignment and I did. But it was taking too long, doing it the right way, and I was eager to see you. So I let them copy the last problems just to get it over with.”
“I see.” His tone stayed very even and neutral. “Do you really think it was that bad?”
“It’s wrong to let them copy,” she answered. “But even worse, I’d promised I wouldn’t. You were there when I did.”
“Yeah.” It was dragged out and almost a question.
She sighed. “Even last year I might not have seen it as that big a deal. I mean I would still know it was wrong and accept that Dr. Scott was giving me a break by just letting us do another assignment. I wouldn’t feel good about what I’d done, but it wouldn’t have been a crisis either.”
“Why is it now?”
“Because of you…us. Because I know I did something wrong and it hurt you, and because I know I need to ask you to punish me.”
“No.” He said it suddenly and sharply. “No.” Quieter the second time, but just as forceful. “I was afraid that was the problem. And it shouldn’t be. It doesn’t need to be.”
“But you made it clear from the beginning—”
“I know.” She heard him swallow and take a long breath before he continued. “I’ve learned a few t
hings myself. Flexibility. How to smile and laugh again, yes, but also being more open, less closed off… And not so set on how things should be done. I realized a while back that you were more important to me than anything else. That I cared less about what kind of relationship we had than the fact that we had a relationship. Continue to have. That’s all, Jen. All I want, all I ask is to have you in my life. Everything else…anything else is gravy.”
She turned to look at him, was stunned by the pain and strain she saw. “Blake? You really thought I’d reject you over this?”
He sighed again. “No. Maybe. But I saw the possibility of it becoming a continuing problem. Even if you managed to ask me to punish you for this, or we agreed that it wasn’t needed, every time you did some small thing wrong, you might agonize over it and how I’d react, what I’d expect from you. It hadn’t even occurred to me it might be an issue until this, but now I see… So I’m saying it right now. We’re not going there. Not happening. Professor Scott gave you some make-up problems to do. Have you done them?”
Jen nodded.
“Then that’s it. It’s over. Behind us. Honestly, I think you’ve managed to beat yourself up about it more than enough. I’m sorry I added to your burden with my expectations. From now on, there are none. You hear?”
“All right then,” she agreed, feeling the weight of guilt and obligation rising off her as almost a physical relief. “But what about next time I do something stupid?”
“We’ll let events take their natural course. You tell me about it. We’ll talk about it. Do whatever we both think is right. But I won’t expect anything more.”
“Okay.” She let out a long breath. “But what happens now?”
“We go back to the bedroom in just a minute. But first, wait here.” He stood up and crossed the room to his desk. She couldn’t see what he took out of the top drawer. It was small enough to hide in his hand as he returned. Suspicion dawned when he returned, but instead of sitting beside her, he got down on one knee on the floor, facing her.
Jennifer's Lessons Page 8