Nowadays she much preferred restaurants with a more relaxed atmosphere towards children.
The tables were set up like picnic benches, but they were pimped up with padding on the seats and the tables were dressed as though they were eating at Buckingham palace; material napkins, beautiful cutlery and the most amazing flower arrangements encased within an ivory birdcage.
‘Do you think every part of this resort is like this or will I be able to pick up a burger and chips from somewhere?’ Nancy asked, perusing the menu.
‘Just embrace the luxury, Nance,’ Harriet replied.
‘It’s alright for you; you’re used to eating in places like this with work. You travel here, there, and everywhere, and have your meetings in posh restaurants all the time. I get by on toast, sandwiches and Jack’s leftovers.’ Her heart sank a little as the reality of how dismal her life had become since Pete had left hit her a little more. She was starting to wonder whether she would ever get the hang of this single parenting malarkey.
‘Have things really been that tight since Dickhead went?’
Nancy shrugged, realising her faux pas of bringing up the money subject. She never brought up money with anyone, all it did was either make people feel uncomfortable or pity her – neither of which she wanted from her best friend. Harriet knew things were tough, but Nancy had never really spoken about just how hard it was getting through each day financially. Their focus tended to be more the emotional effects of Pete leaving.
‘You know I’m always here to help. I can lend you some money if you need some?’
‘Don’t be silly, I’m fine. Things are fine. I’m not struggling.’ She was, but now she felt awkward.
‘Honestly babe, I can give you some money if it’ll help lighten the stress of things and—’
‘Hari, honestly, I’m fine.’ She cut her short. This wasn’t the conversation she wanted to have. Not with Harriet, not with anyone. She wasn’t about to start taking charity. She wasn’t there – yet. Harriet obviously heard the tone of Nancy’s voice and didn’t push anymore, instead turning her attention to helping Isla find something on the menu.
Nancy glanced back at her menu and then over to Jack who had his earphones on and his eyes glued to his iPad. She placed her hand onto his forearm and waited for him to remove the headphones – a sequence they had devised that told Jack that she wanted his attention, so he had time to adjust. She’d learnt the hard way that if she removed his headphones without warning him first, it would trigger a disaster because he didn’t like anyone touching his ears.
When he had taken them off and placed them on the table, he looked at her with his big blue eyes and instantly Nancy found herself smiling. No matter how tough she was finding things at home, one look at Jack with his cute little inquisitive face and all her worries melted away. Although lately, she did sometimes get a twinge of sadness because the older he got, the more he took on Pete’s facial features. They both had this little crease at the top of their nose that appeared whenever they scrunched up their face or yawned. And they both had big, beautiful eyes that you could lose yourself in. It was a feature Nancy had fallen for when she’d first met Pete.
‘What would you like to eat, sweetheart? You can have chips, spaghetti bolognese or chicken?’ She tried to tempt him with meals she thought he would eat but she knew before he had spoken what his answer would be.
‘Pasta.’
She smiled. ‘Why don’t you try something new?’ Again, she knew the response.
‘Pasta,’ he said, his chin beginning to wobble. Now wasn’t the time or place to try to get him to branch out. He had eaten strawberry yoghurt and grapes for breakfast, peanut butter sandwiches (cut into triangles NOT squares) for lunch, and pasta with grated cheese on top for dinner every single day for the last ten months. He wasn’t about to change that here.
It frustrated her though, if she was honest. To others it might seem trivial and not something worth getting worked up over, but it was the fact that Nancy didn’t have the answers. She didn’t know why he had suddenly limited his eating habits or what triggered this. He ate normally when Pete first left but after a couple of months it was like he just decided that this was all he was going to eat. And when Jack had something in his head, that was it. This was something that Nancy had been researching lately though and she was determined to widen his food choices. And actually, this holiday might be the perfect time to try out some of the techniques she had found. It could be her little holiday mission – aside from getting Jack through the holiday itself. She thought for a minute – maybe right now wasn’t the best time to push this seeing as they had not long been here so Jack was bound to be feeling anxious about his new surroundings.
‘OK sweetheart,’ she said and he smiled at her, replacing his headphones. Nancy didn’t push for more; she would let him settle in first, then she would tackle the issue of food.
***
Later that evening, Harriet looked at her children sleeping, the moonlight from the window gently falling onto their faces making them look like sleeping angels. She glanced at the clock: 02.53. Exhaling she opened her laptop and checked her emails.
Hello, [email protected], you have 87 new emails
She felt a lead weight drop into her stomach. She couldn’t even be away from work for a day without falling behind. She opened the first email.
Harriet, sorry to bother you on holiday but Colemans are saying that we haven’t provided the correct information regarding the Beech Project. I’ve forwarded you their email – what do you want me to do??
She groaned and began typing. As much as she knew she and her family needed this holiday, her workload was still heavy, and this week would be a juggling act. And she knew Nancy needed this break more. She had watched her friend deteriorate over the last year as she’d struggled to look after Jack single-handedly and Harriet knew that Nancy desperately needed to take some time out. Unfortunately, Harriet’s staff didn’t understand her decision to be a good friend and leave the business just before a big contract came in, and because of the way Harriet managed her company, they seemed to lack drive and competence when she wasn’t there. This wasn’t something Harriet wanted to admit to anyone, but she was finding it hard to delegate jobs, instead choosing to take charge of everything which resulted in very little time to do anything un-work related like spending time with her friends and family. This bothered Harriet hugely, yet she wasn’t in any position to implement changes to stop this from happening. Hopefully this was about to change though. Whilst this holiday was presented as a getaway for her friend, she secretly hoped that some downtime without the pressures of her everyday routine would mean that she would be able to consider her options and find a way forward. Everyone who knew her – or thought they knew her – would say that Harriet was the type of person who thrived on being busy. Someone who loved a challenge and hated the mundane tasks of everyday parenting. Whilst that had an element of truthfulness in it, the part of her that nobody really knew much about was the part that was screaming out for help. But she was too frightened to acknowledge it and she spent all day, every day, squashing it deep down so that she didn’t have to accept the fact that her family life was a mess. Her children spent more time being pulled from pillar to post and having Harriet shout and stress at them than actually enjoying the company of their mum.
When Harriet was forced to become a single parent and watch her husband walk out on them, she decided that she could go one of two ways – she could wallow, feel sorry for herself and fall into a cycle of depression and self-destruction, or, she could pick herself up and do what needed to be done to make ends meet. Which, being the type of person she was, was what she’d done. However, along the way Harriet seemed to have lost her focus and instead of plunging into the Supermum role she’d envisaged, she’d become a crazed work-a-holic who hardly spent any time with her children and found herself snowed under at work with no one to turn to.
This holiday would be a real
test for her. She wanted to use the time away from work to refocus and find answers. Unfortunately, work didn’t seem to have got that memo! Harriet didn’t need sleep anyway – it was totally overrated.
Chapter 7
‘Mummy … Mummy … Mummy … Mummy…?’
Harriet groaned as she turned to face Isla who was tapping her on the arm for the millionth time. ‘Yes darling?’
‘Can we go for some breakfast, I’m hungry? And Tommy’s done a poo – he stinks!’
Harriet looked at the clock: 05:55.
‘Isla, it’s too early for breakfast – they don’t start serving until 7 a.m.’ Isla moaned. ‘I’m sorry, sweetheart.’
‘But I’m starving! I haven’t had anything to eat for ageeees!’
‘Slight exaggeration Isla, you had dinner and pudding last night.’ Harriet tried to keep her eyes open against the brightness of the sunshine streaming through their window.
‘But that was forever ago. I’m hungry.’ Isla dropped her bottom lip into a sulk.
‘Darling, Mummy can’t magic food out of nowhere, you’ll just have to wait.’
‘But I’m starving!’
‘You are not starving, Isla, you ate last night. All those poor children in the world who are starving and you’re moaning because you haven’t eaten for a few hours – be realistic!’ Isla recoiled at Harriet’s raised voice and she instantly felt guilty for her reaction. The children didn’t realise she had only been asleep a couple of hours, and why should they? It was times like this that Harriet wanted to grab and shake herself and scream what are you doing? She hated the person she was becoming. She was so proud of her career and she knew just how much she had achieved but it had come at a price. She just couldn’t understand how people managed family and work side by side successfully, and yet there were millions of people out there doing it. Why couldn’t she? She could see everything that was wrong with what she was doing but she just didn’t have a clue how to fix it. And it needed fixing. Isla’s little face, awash with shock at her mother’s outburst was enough to pick apart more of the thread of parenting self-doubt that was slowly but surely unravelling. It shouldn’t be this hard to be a mum. It was supposed to come naturally. ‘You’ll just know what to do when you’re a mum,’ people would say to her. ‘It’s one of the most natural things in the world.’
Yeah right, she thought. Maybe she was broken then, because it sure as hell wasn’t coming naturally to her. She looked at Isla’s little face and was brought back to the moment with a guilty bang. ‘Sorry darling – Mummy’s just tired.’
Isla sloped off the bed and climbed back onto hers, taking her colouring book out of the bag and beginning to colour, clearly in a mood with Harriet.
It was now that Harriet realised that Isla wasn’t joking about Tommy – she could smell him from where she lay on the other side of the bedroom. She rolled out of bed and walked over to the cot where he was still sleeping. She was tempted to leave him until he woke up, so she could grab a few more minutes sleep but the smell was so pungent she couldn’t ignore it. She gently placed her hand onto his tummy and rubbed. ‘Morning little man.’ She picked him up – trying not to gag – and instantly took him to the bed to change him.
She needed more coffee for this.
Minutes later a gentle tap sounded on the interior adjoining door of her room and Nancy’s head poked round. ‘I heard voices – figured you must be part of the Early Morning Club too?’ She smiled sympathetically.
‘You can only come in if you have coffee.’ Harriet pointed to her sideboard where once stood several sachets of coffee but now stood an empty pot.
Nancy walked in. ‘Jeez, you drunk all your coffee on the first day?’
Harriet shook her head. ‘No, I drank some of my coffee and Tommy decided to put the rest down the toilet.’ Harriet could see the laugh growing on Nancy’s lips. ‘I swear, if you laugh, I may have to kill you.’
‘I’ll make you some from my room – give me a minute.’
True to her word, a moment later Nancy returned with two mugs of coffee and Jack following closely behind, his headphones on and iPad in hand.
‘Oh, you are a lifesaver.’ Harriet sipped the steaming drink and instantly relaxed a little. It wasn’t up to the standard of her coffee machine at work, which she was practically attached to intravenously, but it was caffeine and it would have to do.
‘So, what’s the reason for the early get up? Although by the smell of your room I think I might be able to guess.’ Nancy wrinkled her nose and opened the window.
‘Yeah, Tommy woke Isla up with the smell and so she woke me up.’
‘Morning Isla,’ Nancy said, glancing over to Harriet’s eldest who was still sulking on the bed. ‘What’s up?’ Nancy asked, nodding her head over to her.
‘She’s hungry and wants breakfast but they don’t start serving until 7.’
‘I’ve got some cereal bars, yoghurt and fruit in my room if she wants some?’
Harriet looked at her friend, confused. ‘Why have you got cereal bars, yogurt and fruit?’
‘Because I know Jack gets hungry first thing and I have to make sure I have stuff as a backup if there are places where they don’t do food that he likes.’
Harriet felt a mix of elation – that she could offer Isla some food now – and sadness – because this only highlighted how bad at parenting she was. Why didn’t she think of packing stuff like that? ‘Isla, Nancy has some cereal bars in her room if you want one?’
Isla immediately jumped up. ‘Yes, yes, yes! I’ll get it – where are they?’ But she had already disappeared into the next room before hearing a reply.
‘I’ll go,’ Nancy laughed, following.
When she returned, Harriet asked, ‘does it come naturally to you?’
Nancy frowned, confused. ‘Eh?’
‘Being a mum – do you just know what to do?’
Nancy laughed. ‘Yeah I’m a total pro – the ideas just come to me in a flash of inspiration and I feel well-equipped for every situation life can throw at me.’ She stopped giggling when she saw Harriet wasn’t laughing. ‘What’s up?’
Harriet felt vulnerable. She didn’t normally like to talk about feelings; she was methodical, regimented, she got jobs done. She didn’t have time to sit and ponder on things. But recently, since Isla was getting older and more demanding, she was starting to question her role in things a lot more. ‘I just don’t get how you can just know all this stuff. Where does it come from?’
‘What stuff?’
She pointed to Nancy’s room. ‘The breakfast stuff.’
Nancy tilted her head like a confused dog. ‘Hari, you’re not making any sense.’
She exhaled. ‘You brought breakfast stuff, for Jack, in case he needed it.’ Nancy nodded. ‘How did you know to do that?’ Harriet laughed as she heard herself. ‘OK, that sounds really weird. I know what I want to say but I just can’t get the right words.’ She groaned, putting her head into her hands.
Nancy moved towards Harriet and placed a hand on her shoulder. ‘Are you OK?’
She flung her hands back down into her lap and looked at her best friend. ‘I just don’t understand how something as little as thinking ahead about breakfast when you have little ones comes so easily to some people, yet I don’t ever seem to think about it. I can chair a corporate meeting, I can collate all the necessary information relating to a project and I can analyse and interpret various work-related deals. Why can’t I think of something as simple as packing snacks for my children?’
Nancy laughed. ‘Come on, you’re being too hard on yourself. Look, I think about stuff like that because I have to. Jack is different from your children; if I don’t plan and think ahead, it could mean the difference between him feeling comfortable and him having a meltdown. I don’t have a choice. It didn’t come naturally to me; I had to learn the hard way. Your children are not the same. If you told Isla to wait an hour for breakfast, yes, she would kick up a fuss and she might feel like i
t was the end of the world, but ultimately, she would cope. Jack wouldn’t.’ She squeezed Harriet’s hand. ‘That’s the difference.’
‘I guess.’
‘Hari, I don’t get it right all the time – you know that!’
‘I just don’t get the whole “it comes naturally” thing people say with parenting.’
‘That’s because it doesn’t come naturally to everyone. I love being a parent, but parenting an autistic child is a completely different story and I certainly do not feel like that comes naturally to me. Everyone is different. It’s really shit but we have to learn things the hard way, by experiencing the ups and the downs and working out what went wrong so that it doesn’t happen again. And that’s why I know to have breakfast stuff – it isn’t because I’m Supermum.’
Harriet smiled at Nancy, thankful to have such an understanding friend to travel this rollercoaster of feelings with. ‘I just need to balance my life better, I think.’
Mums Just Wanna Have Fun Page 4