Mums Just Wanna Have Fun

by Lucie Wheeler

  Chapter 29

  ‘You’ve gone very quiet on me, I hope I haven’t overstepped the mark by telling you all this? I don’t want to scare you off.’ Jayne looked a little worried and Harriet immediately felt bad.

  ‘God no! Not at all. I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to go quiet. It’s amazing that you felt you were able to open up to me and tell me all of that – you’ve certainly been through it and I’m so sorry you have.’

  ‘It was a horrible time but in all honesty, it has made me the person I am today. I needed to go through that to be able to come out the other side and change my life.’

  ‘What has changed for you, apart from the obvious feeling better?’ Harriet poured some water from the jug for both of them.

  ‘I look after myself a lot more and I care for my body.’ Harriet pulled a face. ‘I’m not saying you have to turn to yoga and stop eating meat and take herbal supplements, but just being more aware of your body and what stresses you put on it. I exercise a lot more now because exercise is amazing both for your body and for your mental health. I make better choices about the food I eat and little changes like switching to herbal or decaf late afternoon so that I know I get a good night’s sleep.’

  ‘I can’t remember the last time I slept for a good amount of time.’ If it wasn’t Tommy up in the night it was Isla, and if it wasn’t either of them, it was work emails keeping her up.

  ‘You see, it’s not good for you and it all piles up and then you explode. I also started talking about things. I started a blog and I spoke about what I went through. I keep my friends and family in the loop when I’m feeling stressed or low – because it still happens. You don’t just switch off depression and never have it again, if you go down once you have the potential to go down again. It’s training yourself to notice the signs so that when you start slipping, you stop it in its tracks. I go running when I feel it slipping back in, and I talk to people. Sometimes I’ll talk to my husband; sometimes I’ll blog about it. But you have to talk.’

  ‘What if you don’t have anyone to talk to?’ No matter how bad she was feeling, there was no way on this earth she was about to open up to her mum and leave the door wide open for judgement and anxiety. And Nancy had her own stuff to deal with; she didn’t need all this unloaded on her like Harriet had earlier. It should never have spilled out like that – that wasn’t going to happen again.

  ‘There are many places you can go to talk to someone when you’re struggling. It can be the doctor’s or a clinic or a group, or if you wanted to stay more anonymous, it could be an online group. You don’t have to disclose your identity and you only reveal what you want people to know. But don’t bottle it up – it’s like poison. It seeps through your body so rapidly and before you know it you can see no way out.’ Harriet nodded. ‘So what’s your situation?’ Jayne took her chance and asked the question that had been hanging in the air.

  Harriet knew it was coming and there had been times when Jayne was talking that she’d wanted to talk about her own situation, but she couldn’t find the words. ‘You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. But just know that I am here and I am impartial.’ Jayne smiled. ‘And I will never ever judge anyone.’

  Harriet took a huge gulp of her drink and finished the glass. ‘I’m struggling to bond with Tommy.’

  Jayne nodded. ‘Well done for saying it out loud, I know that’s a hard thing to do.’

  ‘I feel like such an awful mother saying that – especially when I have Isla too. But I coped fine with her.’ Her heart was racing, pulsing rapidly as she let the words that were haunting her slowly trickle out.

  ‘What’s different now?’

  She kept her gaze out to sea, not wanting to look at Jayne as she spoke. She said she was impartial, but Harriet was afraid of seeing that judgement behind her eyes. She had seen it so many times before and it hurt. Even if she did try to cover it up. ‘Home life, my relationship fell apart, work has increased … loads.’

  ‘OK, so that’s good, you know what some of the triggers are. Identifying them is one of the toughest parts. Is there anything you can change?’

  ‘Well my dickhead husband has fucked off so that’s a positive – although it doesn’t sound like it. He wasn’t very supportive with my work or the children so him being gone is a good thing.’

  ‘Do you have support in other ways now that he’s gone?’ Jayne was so good at this. Harriet didn’t feel harassed for answers but at the same time, it was forcing her to evaluate her situation which was what she needed to do to be able to move forward. And that’s what she wanted, to move forward and go home feeling like things could get better, not stay as stressed and confusing as they currently were.

  Harriet shook her head. ‘Not really, I’m doing everything myself.’

  ‘Do you have to do everything?’

  ‘Who else am I going to ask?’

  ‘What is it you need help with?’

  Harriet exhaled. ‘I don’t know.’

  ‘Can you delegate out some things to others? What are the most important things in your life that you want to be doing and not someone else?’

  ‘My job and obviously being with my children. But all I seem to be doing is cooking – and when I say cooking I mean bunging a tray of beige food in the oven and hoping they’ll eat it – or giving them a bath or pretending to listen to them whilst I type emails with one hand.’ She took a gulp of drink. ‘Bloody hell, contender for mum of the year right here.’

  Jayne laughed. ‘You’d be surprised just how many people will understand your situation. It’s all about prioritising and time management. It might be because you are so focused on work and you don’t get that play time with the children that you feel the bond isn’t there. Do you think?’ she questioned.

  ‘Maybe.’

  ‘So you need to find a way to gain that time with them to get to know them, who they are and what they like – and take out all the unnecessary jobs that you can delegate out to others. You’re a businesswoman Harriet so project manage your life. What jobs do you want to keep for yourself and which ones can you delegate out and either get some paid help or ask friends to help.’

  Harriet nodded and picked up the empty water jug. ‘You’re right.’ And she was. Harriet spent all her time priding herself on her ability to manage projects at work and hit deadlines and achieve, yet when it came to her home life, all her organisational skills went out the window. Why was that? She wasn’t sure she had the answer, but maybe she didn’t need all the answers. Maybe just acknowledging that she wasn’t doing it was enough. She needed to apply her work self to her home life and make progress there too. It’s like Jayne had said – she needed to project manage her life. ‘I can totally do that. I have all the skills to make things flow and get the jobs done; I just need to apply these skills at home and with the children. It makes sense – on paper.’

  Jayne shook her head. ‘Not just on paper, Harriet, you can 100 per cent achieve this. How would you attack a project at work?’

  She instantly felt at ease on work ground. ‘I would identify all the required needs, allocate the necessary jobs to appropriate delegates, cross plan it with finance to make sure it was achievable and then oversee the project as a whole to ensure the continued smooth transition from concept to delivery.’

  ‘Said like a true pro,’ Jayne laughed.

  Usually, someone laughing at Harriet would spark annoyance and send her into defence mode. But actually, Jayne was complimenting her and this conversation had shown Harriet that her work talents were transferable to her family. ‘Why haven’t I thought of this before!’ She shook her head in disbelief. ‘It sounds obvious now you say it.’

  ‘Sometimes it takes an outsider to help guide you to what’s obvious. That’s why it is so important to talk. About anything. Talking helps you mentally and emotionally but it also helps to find solutions and focus. You just need to find the people you can talk to, that’s all.’

  Harriet nodded. She felt
about eight feet tall and bursting with confidence. She knew what she had to do – now she just had to put her plan into action. This holiday was giving her more than she bargained for.

  Chapter 30

  The next morning at breakfast, Nancy noticed that Harriet was surprisingly chirpier than usual. She watched her as she sauntered in to the buffet room, coffee in one hand and pad and pen in the other, and plonked herself down on the table.

  ‘What’s got you all happy?’

  ‘I have a plan.’ She sat herself down, tucking her black, floor-length, floral maxi dress underneath her bottom. Whilst this was fairly reserved for Harriet, who liked to wear outfits that caught people’s eye, the plunging neckline which revealed her bikini top underneath was more in tone with her usual style. She liked to dress to kill and was the only person Nancy knew who had attempted to keep her stilettos on whilst walking in the sand. She didn’t last very long. Kudos for trying though.

  ‘Isn’t it supposed to be “I have a dream”?’ Nancy smiled, mimicking Martin Luther King Jr.

  ‘I have one of those too, but I need a plan to get there.’ She sipped her coffee. ‘Thanks for bringing the children down to breakfast with you this morning whilst I finished what I was doing.’

  ‘It’s no problem at all.’ She looked over to Tommy in the highchair. ‘Although I hold no responsibility for the fact that Tommy has had five pancakes this morning because Isla keeps going up and getting him more.’

  Harriet looked at Isla who giggled. ‘He likes them, Mummy.’

  ‘I don’t doubt that, Isla, but it doesn’t mean he gets to eat them until he looks like one.’ Her voice was stern, but she had a twinkle in her eye, Nancy noticed. Something was different with her today. Isla giggled and kept repeating Tommy is a pancake, Tommy is a pancake.

  ‘So what’s this big plan you have then – is it realistic or are you going to go and live on the moon?’ Nancy pressed, desperate to know why her best friend was acting strangely chirpy, especially after all the mini cocktails last night. Yes, they were smaller, but goodness they were still strong.

  ‘Very funny – although I would live on the moon if I could actually get away with it. Imagine that, no emails, no constant phone calls…’

  ‘No Netflix or ITV dramas…’

  Harriet pointed at Nancy. ‘You have a point there; maybe I wouldn’t like to live on the moon then. Scrap that.’ Harriet drank her coffee and Nancy gave her a look as if to say; well, come on then. ‘OK, so I was talking to Jayne yesterday for ages and yes, you were right, she is really lovely and she has been through so much and come out the other side. She is amazing.’ Nancy smiled at how her friend was talking about the other woman. It was completely out of character for her. Harriet stopped talking and frowned. ‘What?’

  ‘Who are you and what have you done with my friend?’ Nancy said and laughed.

  Isla piped up at that point and said, ‘That’s my Mummy.’

  ‘I know darling, I was telling a joke – admittedly it wasn’t a very funny joke.’ She pulled a face at Harriet who giggled.

  ‘You were the one who told me to talk to her!’ Harriet laughed.

  ‘And I’m glad, really, I am! This is great. Sorry, I shouldn’t be mocking you. Carry on.’ Nancy held out her hand to encourage Harriet to continue. Today Nancy had chosen a long skirt – grey pleated – teamed with a plain white vest top which she tucked into the waistband of her skirt. It was simple and comfortable. With all the buffet food and cocktails she had consumed over the last five days, she was glad that her style didn’t involve tight-fitting clothes and revealing midriffs. However, she had raided Harriet’s wardrobe for a belt and a necklace to add to the outfit – things she didn’t really possess in her own wardrobe – and she had plaited her hair so that it came over her shoulder. She wanted it to look effortless and casual. And it had nothing to do with Cameron. Nothing at all.

  Harriet pulled a face and opened up her notepad. ‘Anyway, as I was saying, I was talking to Jayne and she really spoke some sense. She was saying how I needed to prioritise the things in my life that I want to do and delegate the things that I don’t want to do. So I spent this morning – and a huge chunk of last night – going through all my current projects and making a list of tasks I can delegate out to others.’ She looked at Nancy with a smile. ‘Good huh?’

  ‘Yes, that is good. But what about at home? And there is still the small thing of – you’re on holiday yet you are still working.’

  ‘Yes, yes, I know. But if I delegate out work to people then it gives me more time as a result and then I can be with the children more – like properly with them not just in body but not in mind. And listen, I’m sorry about my breakdown yesterday and I’m sorry that you feel like I’m working all the time and you aren’t having the girls’ holiday I promised you.’

  ‘And I’m sorry too, I shouldn’t have shouted at you. I didn’t realise you were struggling so much.’

  ‘That’s because I didn’t tell you – I didn’t tell anyone. So you can’t be blamed for not knowing. But I promise that for our last two days I will be better and work less.’

  ‘OK, looking forward to it.’ Nancy felt a spark of excitement bolt through her at the thought of ending the girls’ holiday on a high and actually seeing Hari enjoy herself. Seeing her so happy and bouncy this morning made her feel all warm inside.

  ‘Mummy?’ Jack was tugging on Nancy’s arm. She turned to face him as she spooned some yoghurt into her mouth. ‘Where’s that boy?’

  ‘What boy darling?’

  ‘The boy from the book.’

  Nancy froze to her chair. Surely not. ‘You mean Aiden? The boy who wrote the booklet for you?’ Jack nodded. ‘I don’t know sweetie, he’s probably having breakfast. Why?’

  ‘I want to tell him my favourite colour.’

  Nancy looked over to Harriet to relay her excitement but in a cool and causal way so as not to scare Jack off this newfound interest. She glared at Harriet who clearly had no idea what was going on because Nancy hadn’t told her about the booklet yet.

  ‘Well, that’s lovely sweetheart. We can go and look for him after breakfast if you want? Then you can tell him?’ Jack nodded. ‘OK, we will do that.’

  He carried on eating his breakfast and Harriet hissed to Nancy, ‘What’s that about?’

  ‘I literally cannot speak right now,’ Nancy squeaked. ‘It’s really exciting!’

  ‘You can’t leave me in the dark like that. Let me scooch round to your side, hang on.’ Harriet picked up her chair and shimmied round next to Nancy. ‘Spill!’

  Nancy made sure Jack was back to what he was doing before casually leaning her body so he couldn’t see what she was saying. ‘I don’t want Jack to hear me – he’ll think I’m making a big deal out of it and it might curb his enthusiasm.’

  ‘OK, just face me and I’ll tell you if he looks over.’

  Nancy’s smile radiated brightly across her face. ‘Last night, Cameron gave me a booklet about him and Aiden.’

  ‘A booklet? Romantic.’ Harriet scoffed.

  ‘It kind of is, actually.’

  ‘Wow, Nance, you’re easily pleased.’

  ‘No, you don’t understand. A few days ago I mentioned how Jack doesn’t like talking to new people, to people he doesn’t know. I didn’t think much of the comment, but then he turns up with this booklet Aiden drew and designed and said they did it because they wanted Jack to feel like he knew them a little bit so it wouldn’t be so hard for him to maybe talk to them.’

  Realisation dawned on Harriet’s face. ‘Oh, I see. That’s cute!’

  ‘I know! But Jack didn’t respond in the way I had hoped and he seemed uninterested in the booklet. Last night I saw it discarded on the sideboard next to our bed so I just wrote it off. But he must’ve picked it up again to read and, I don’t know, something has made him want to talk to them.’ She exhaled, trying to calm her erratic voice. ‘Hari, I didn’t push this with him, he has made this decision by him
self. That must mean he wants to see Aiden. He has never wanted to see another child before. It’s incredible.’

  ‘It is incredible, I’m so happy for you. Let’s eat up so you two can go on your little adventure to find them.’

  Nancy nodded and continued with her yoghurt, unable to pull the corners of her mouth down into a neutral position. This smile was staying here for a while and she loved it.

  ***

  After breakfast Nancy and Jack set off to find Cameron and Aiden. It was frustrating because every day since they had been there, they had bumped into them no end of times and Aiden had always tried to talk to Jack and he’d always ignored him. But today, when Jack actually asked for him, they were nowhere to be seen.

  ‘Where is he Mummy?’

  ‘I don’t know, maybe he’s still in bed.’ They weaved around the complex, looking in the pool areas, the restaurant windows, around the kids’ club area … the complex was particularly busy today. There was lots of noise and running around going on around them and Nancy could feel Jack’s grip tighten on her hand. He had been doing so well since they arrived, and this hadn’t been the easiest of holidays for him to get used to. Being a family-orientated complex, the place was always very loud with either music or screams of playing children. Nancy was very proud of how well Jack had been coping – regardless of the odd meltdown he’d had. It was all progress. And this was how she knew that she herself was making progress too. Because she was focusing on what positive changes he had made and achieved, as opposed to all the negatives.

  ‘In bed! I never sleep in till this late.’

  ‘No, you’re an early riser you, you like to wake Mummy up even when it’s still dark outside, don’t you, monkey!’

  She ruffled his hair and then paused, realising what she had done. But he didn’t react. She almost wanted to ask him why he didn’t react but, of course, that was ludicrous. She knew she shouldn’t bring attention to things when he made progress, she didn’t want to give him the wrong impression or make him rethink what he was doing. But this was incredible. Sometimes it was easy to overlook these small nuggets of personal growth because they seemed so trivial. A ruffle of the hair – what relevance does that have generally? But for Jack, this was considerable development and Nancy felt warm from head to toe. He giggled and it was so lovely to hear. ‘I don’t like sleep.’