Julio was complaining about not having a beard trimming kit with him. He didn’t have a beard the last time he stayed over. Erika assured him he looked fine.
The night before, the adults had debated keeping the girls home the next day. But they were concerned that would only make it harder for them to go back. They concluded it was better to get them right back into their routine.
Lu was unusually quiet. Whitney was quiet as usual. Their parents reminded them that the man meant to scare, and he did. But they were never in any real danger. School was safe. And the school would learn from any mistakes or inadequacy and learn how to keep them even safer.
Julio and Erika were to go with Aly to drop the girls at school. She would drop them at their vehicles at the Red Rock Hotel afterward. When the girls were in their rooms getting their things for school, Julio thanked her for the day before.
“Your job is to take care of the girls, but you took care of us, too.” He gave her a hug, dousing her hoodie in his sickly sweet cologne. She would change it when she got home later.
“You know,” he went on. “We shouldn’t wait until summer to lock you into a contract for next year.”
Aly’s stomach fell to her feet. I’m not ready to go.
Erika was standing at the bar in profile to her, looking at her phone. Aly saw her eyes widen before she looked up and their eyes met. Erika gave her a searching look, but Aly didn’t know what to say, so she said nothing, and dropped her eyes from Erika’s.
45
Erika was suddenly very busy at work. She had a young lawyer named Teena working for her who was brilliant, but, Erika and Thea suspected, was dealing with mental health issues. They were encouraging her to get help, but she insisted she had things under control. Because of her emotional problems, Teena had screwed up a case that Erika now took over personally. It came at a particularly bad time as she was already dealing with two complicated divorce and custody cases that were coming to a head at the same time. She tried to get a continuance on one of them, but the judge refused.
“This is the worst time for this. I want to be here for the girls,” she said to Aly Thursday morning. She was referring to the fallout after The Incident, as they had come to call the bomb scare.
Whitney was handling it well. In fact, her experience during lockdown seemed to give her confidence. She was considering after school mentoring at the elementary school the following year when she entered high school.
Lu, however, had a nightmare Tuesday night. Erika had been home to deal with it. “She doesn’t remember the details,” she had reported to Aly. “Just that she was being chased by something bad.” But Erika was not home until the girls were in bed on Wednesday night and she didn’t expect to be home until late that evening.
“I’ll stay in the living room again until you get home,” Aly reassured her. “That way if Lu has another nightmare I’ll be available.”
“Thank you,” Erika said, momentarily covering her hand with her own warm one. “I’m glad it’s you here with the girls. I know they’re in capable hands. And they trust you, too.”
They had not seen much of each other since the night of The Incident but, as this touch demonstrated, Erika had dropped her no touch policy just as Aly had. Aly had expected her to pull away after she allowed her feelings to show. But when she didn’t, she assumed Erika had not read her expression correctly.
She was relieved that, for the time being, she did not have to go. She still had a month and a half to prepare to announce she was leaving. However, Julio’s suggestion about her contract left her with a low level anxiety that ebbed and flowed. She had treated it as a rhetorical comment, but she was not sure it was. If he meant it, that would bring things to a head fast.
If it came to that, she wouldn’t remain. It would mean telling Erika the truth and waiting in awkwardness until they found someone to replace her. She wondered if she should already be looking for another home and job. But that idea left her weary with sadness
Later that morning, as she was crossing the house to her room, she noticed that all but one of the swatches was gone from the wall. The one left was one of the warmer tans. Erika had been watching and listening as she and the girls discussed the colors. She chose one that was on the short list for each of them. When did she do this? Aly texted her, “Just noticed swatch. Paint this weekend?”
A few minutes later she replied, “Go for it.”
So after school on Friday she took the girls to Lowe’s to buy paint and all the fixings they would need to apply it. It was good therapy for Lu, she thought, and even Whitney was excited. As with hanging the television in her room, DIY projects around the house were exotic experiences for the girls.
Erika went to work Saturday, so Aly took Lu to her early morning soccer match. Whitney was allowed to sleep in. But when they got back, both girls were eager to start painting.
The wall would be easy enough to paint with rollers, but the bookcase presented a problem. It was built in and the shelves were to remain white in contrast to the wall. Each square of wall behind the shelves was going to have to be done by brush. There was a lot of taping off to do.
Lu was quickly tired of it. “When do we get to paint?”
“Most of painting is prep and clean up. The painting is the easy part.”
Lu's expression indicated she felt she'd been conned. But finally the painting started and Aly put the girls on the solid wall as she worked at the squares behind the bookshelf. They were finished by lunch and broke to eat, leaving the cleanup for afterward.
They all stood in the kitchen and admired their handiwork.
“Gucci,” Whitney said.
“Looks really good!” Lu exclaimed.
It did look good. It warmed up the place. Aly looked forward to rehanging pictures and replacing bric-a-brac to get the full effect.
After lunch, she and Lu were in the laundry room cleaning up paint brushes in the set tub when Lu suddenly asked, “Have you ever thought of hooking up with my mom?”
She was thrown. “Where did that come from?” she blurted, and busied herself with washing out a brush. She wasn’t sure if she was blushing or not.
“Dad asked us if we ever thought you guys might hook up.”
Did he pick up on something? “Um, well, I don’t think she’d consider me.”
“Why not?”
She didn’t know how to respond. In fact, she wondered herself why Erika wouldn’t consider her. “I guess I’m not her type."
They had to wait for the paint to completely dry to hang the pictures, but they put the bric-a-brac back on the shelves and the effect was delightful. The room finally came together. The girls took pictures, but Aly suggested they not send them to Erika so she would experience the full impact of the change when she got home.
Tired out after working all morning, the girls settled on the couch with their phones and tablets and Aly took to a lounger. Lu’s question left her sad. It should have made her feel better that she no longer felt Erika was out of her league, but it made her feel worse. Erika simply wasn’t interested. It was different when she felt they were unequal and Erika’s lack of interest felt justified. But now there was no barrier left in herself. She felt equal to a good woman like Erika. But would she ever meet another woman who was equal to Erika?
Erika arrived home in the early afternoon. She was dressed casually in blue jeans and a yellow turtle neck to work on the weekend. She looked tired, and Aly suspected her briefcase was full of more work for her to do at home. But she was game when the girls clamored around her, excited to show her their project.
“Wow,” she said as they pulled her into the living room. “What a difference.” She went around and sat in the middle of the couch, her usual spot in the evening. The girls sat on either side of her and Aly stood behind them. “It really brings the wall in, doesn’t it?”
“Is that a good thing?” Aly asked.
“Yes! It’s very cozy,” Erika turned to look at her. "Thank
you. You were right. I think it finishes the room.”
My parting gift?
◆◆◆
Aly was right about Erika having more work to do. She worked at home on Sunday at the coffee table, her laptop and folders before her, and Bach playing softly over the speakers.
In the early afternoon, Aly dropped Whitney at the theater at the Red Rock Hotel where she was to see a movie with her squad. Lu stayed home with Erika. Afterward, she took herself up to the Red Rock Canyon overlook for a couple of hours to think about her future, but all she could think about was how much she loved Erika.
She was home by the middle of the afternoon. As soon as she entered she felt there had been a palpable shift in the house, though she would not have been able to say what it was. The only change she could detect was that Erika, who had been focused and worked diligently all morning, seemed distracted. Aly would find her staring into space until she spoke to her. Then Erika would look at her with eyes that both studied her and seemed distant. Aly assumed something had come up in her work. Or maybe she was just tired.
Whitney was dropped home before dinner. As the girls cleared the dishes afterward, Aly looked up from the bar to find Erika looking right at her. “This is the worst week to be so busy,” she said quietly.
Earlier in the week she said this about being there for the girls after The Incident. “Lu’s been fine since Tuesday.”
For a moment Erika looked confused. Then her face cleared. “No, that’s not…I have something I…” she began, searching Aly's face, then waved it off.
On Monday morning, she detailed her incredibly busy work week. It would culminate on Friday with an early morning meeting downtown at seven.
“Friday’s the Social. You’re going to be there, right?” Whitney asked.
“I will be there,” Erika reassured her, kissing her on the head. As she did so she looked at Aly. It was another intense look that Aly did not understand. And she said, again, quietly, “This is the worst time to be so busy.”
She worked late again on Wednesday, but Aly knew it was because she was busy, not because she was avoiding being home alone with her. She didn’t get home until the girls were back from dinner with Julio.
When Aly came out of her room after the girls were in bed she was surprised to find Erika sitting on the couch, still in a suit, no television, no tablet, her arms spread across the back of the couch as she stared at the wall of bric-a-brac. She thought how lately Erika had no time to unwind.
When Erika caught sight of her, she sat up and said quietly, “Can you come here?” She patted the couch next to her. “I have something I want to say to you.”
Her face had that soft look again. Aly’s mind wanted to go to some expectation that Erika had figured out her feelings and would ask her to leave. But her heart said something else. It was beating a mile a minute, but not in fear. She sensed she was entering into something new, but would not have been able to explain why. When she took a seat next to her, Erika took her left hand in both of her hands and looked directly into her eyes. “Just let me have my say.”
Aly nodded mutely, her heart pounding, her breathing shallow as she met her eyes.
“You must know that I trust you,” Erika began. “You take care of the most precious people in my life. You are a loving and thoughtful woman. And I hope I have always conveyed to you that I admire you. I enjoy your companionship. I value your opinions and advice. I respect you…”
Here, Aly felt that perhaps she was going to be dismissed, albeit in a loving way. But Erika went on. “You know I loved Bianca dearly, but we had very different values. It undermined our relationship. I don’t find the same obstacle with you.”
She looked away for a moment to gather her thoughts and Aly sat frozen in a swirl of inchoate emotions. “What I’m trying to say,” she continued, returning her eyes to Aly’s. “Is any smart woman looking out for her own happiness would consider you for a life partner.”
She gave Aly a soft, searching look, then leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. And with a last squeeze of her hand, she stood up and went to her room.
46
Later, Aly would not remember how long she sat on the couch, but she did float off to her room at some point. And there she sat on the edge of her bed and stared at the wall for a very long time simply feeling. At first, her feelings were a confused tangle, but then wonder and hope welled up through the mass. Is it possible she has feelings for me?
But she dared not hope. Not without thinking it through. What did Erika mean to convey? Was she saying she would consider Aly or was she just being a good friend by saying someone would consider her? And why now?
But why would she talk about her own thoughts about Aly if she simply meant to say someone sometime would consider her? And why compare her to Bianca if she wasn’t comparing equivalent feelings? “I don’t find the same obstacle with you.”
Aly fell back on the bed, her arms above her head. What if she looked at recent events through a different lens, where Erika had feelings for her? She thought back to The Incident and Erika’s leaning on her and later, on the patio, holding on for a while after she was done crying. Was she taking more than friendly support, drawing on her own feelings for Aly? Or was she considering Aly now because she saw the love on her face a moment later?
She thought further back, to before The Incident. They had been far apart since That Night... She sat up abruptly. What about That Night? Certainly if Erika had feelings for her it couldn’t go that far back. There was no denying Erika was there that night. Despite the alcohol she was present, she was passionate. She had seen that as just part of Erika’s natural loving thoughtfulness. But what if…no, no, no, no, no…she couldn’t stand to think…it had been so painful since…and if Erika…then she had caused Erika a lot of pain, too.
She remembered the week after, how both of them were emotionally blasted. What did Erika say when she returned from San Francisco? “Clarifying.” What was clarified? And the soft looks and sadness since…
But, no, Aly didn’t think so. She didn’t trust her own hopeful judgment. Erika valued her as a friend, she knew. It was likely she was just sad she lost a friend. And Erika had expressed her own disappointment in herself over her actions That Night. The more she thought about it, the more she thought Erika’s feelings - if she understood her correctly and there were feelings - were a recent occurrence. Not to mention, Erika had not said anything about love. She had said “consider you”.
It was over the past weekend that Erika seemed to change. Her distraction, her searching looks. What happened? Aly didn’t know. But it was most likely Erika’s feelings were only something new and there was some hope that in the future they could grow.
Aly rose to get ready for bed. As she brushed her teeth and changed into the red flannel bottoms and oversized red T-shirt she slept in, her thoughts swung hard into doubt. She was misreading the whole thing. Erika was only being a friend and telling her - for some reason - that at some point there would be someone for her. But why was she saying this now? That’s what Aly could not answer either way.
She got into bed and shut off the light, but sleep wouldn’t come. So she got up on her knees and reached for the wand behind the headboard to open the blinds slightly. The light from the street lamp gave her shadows on the ceiling to watch as her thoughts and emotions swung between doubt and hope.
She was finally dozing off when her conversation with Lu swam up from her subconscious. “She wouldn’t consider me…”
“Why not?”
Aly’s eyes flew open. Consider! That word! Did Lu say something to Erika? Is this why the sudden speech from her? Her hope was all but dashed. Erika was just reassuring her that some smart woman at some time would be happy to consider her for a life partner.
It was an hour more before, exhausted from her emotional vacillations, she fell into a fitful sleep.
◆◆◆
Her body clock had her awake at five the next morning. Erika h
ad not left her mind all night, haunting her in tormenting, surreal dreams. Though still very tired, she was too emotionally wired to sleep again and got up. Instead of running, she’d walk. She needed to burn off some of her nervous energy before seeing Erika again.
Spring had officially arrived two days before, but sunrise was still not until after six thirty. It was dark and cold. But she was aware of none of it as she stepped outside and turned on her flashers. While walking she went back over the past weeks, since That Night in late January. But nothing was clear. Everything Erika said, every look, every gesture could be interpreted a thousand ways. Today - if not this morning, tonight - she would have clarity. She would demand it if it wasn’t offered.
Her adrenaline surged and her heart rate rose as she approached the house and let herself in. It was not yet six, when Erika would get the girls up. She would already have showered and would be dressing. It was Aly’s turn to shower. The Miltons should be breakfasting when she was done.
And they were, as usual. Only that morning didn’t feel usual to Aly. She was torn between trepidation and hope. When she opened her bedroom door she could hear Lu and Erika talking. And when she came around the corner, Erika was already turned her way at the bar because she was talking to Lu on her left.
Her eyes went up to Aly instantly. Her expression was raw and vulnerable. Was this because she had exposed her feelings? Or was it because she realized in the night that Aly could misunderstand her words? Everyone said good morning and Erika’s eyes searched Aly’s face as she approached. She returned the searching look until Erika was drawn away by Whitney on her other side.
Her heart was beating so fast she was sure it must show. And it did, in her shaking hands. She turned away to pour her cereal and cover it in almond milk, then took her usual seat at the end of the bar. She wanted to act normal, but where did she usually look? When the girls were done and had removed to the kitchen to put their dishes in the dishwasher, she looked at Erika, who was already looking at her, her eyes soft. “Talk tonight?” she asked quietly.
A Good Woman Page 23