Until It Wasn't

by J. Grandison

  “Hey, baby boy. How are things going down there?” My mom’s chipper voice comes through. She is always happy. The only time she was ever sad was when her parents died. It was the first and last time I had ever seen her cry, and I never want to experience it again.

  “Things are good. How are you and Dad?” I ask, hoping she doesn’t hear the sadness in my voice. I don’t want her worrying about me.

  “We’re good. Your dad built me a greenhouse. Can you believe that?” she asks. Oh, I can believe Dad would do just about anything to make her happy. I know he has been wanting to build it for her for years now. I’m glad he finally found the time to do it.

  “That’s wonderful. Have you decided what you’re going to plant?” I ask knowing she will be so distracted with telling me what her plans are that she will take up most of the conversation. Now, I just need to exclaim at the right moments and sound properly enthusiastic.

  I look over at the painting I’ve been working on and curse in my head. It’s another rendering of Shawn; only this one is with the look of longing he had when he tried to brush my tears away. I can’t get the man out of my head even while doing something I love.

  “Won’t that be wonderful?” my mom asks, and I want to kick myself for not hearing what she said.

  “It sure is,” I answer as though I know.

  “We’ll be there for two days, but don’t worry, dear, we are aware you’re busy, so we will mostly entertain ourselves.” Oh shit, my parents are coming to visit me. They will pick up on my change of mood. It’s as though they can sense how I’m feeling. This is bad. I do not want to tell them about my epic fail in my first adult relationship. I don’t want to see the look of pity on their faces.

  “What day did you say you were coming?” I ask, and she giggles.

  “Friday, silly. We’ll just be there for the weekend.” I sigh. I can act happy for about 48 hours, even if inside I’m dying.

  “I’ll make sure to be caught up on all my school work so I can spend it with you,” I tell her, and she exhales.

  “We don’t expect you to spend the whole time with us. I’m sure you’re plenty busy. Just see us when you can. There are so many places I want to visit while we’re there. I have never been to the south,” my mom exclaims excitedly. I have no doubt she will be dragging my dad to every museum and plantation house she can find. I shake my head, looking forward to doing some of that with them. I haven’t taken the time to explore much since I moved here. It will be interesting to find out what the state has to offer.

  “I can go with you to some places if you like,” I suggest, and she agrees. I can tell she is looking forward to this visit. She shared with me once that her dream had been to join the Peace Corp, but she found out she was pregnant with me and didn’t want to endanger me by traveling to third-world countries. I know she’s always wanted to see the world, and I wish she would now.

  We talk some more, and by the time we say our goodbyes, I’m already in better spirits. That is until I glance at the painting again. The happiness of seeing my parents leeches out of me as the sun falls behind a black shroud. I stare at the canvas, and my heart shatters again as though the incident has only just happened. It’s such a haunting portrait of Shawn, and I wonder if he feels the emotions I have portrayed. Does he miss me? Does he wish things had been different?

  I collapse on my bed and pull my blanket up to my chin, staring over the top at the easel. I may never know why he looked at me like that, but the image itself is astonishingly good. One of the best I have ever done.

  I fall asleep gazing at my artwork and dream of the man I’ve fallen in love with over a matter of days. I dream of what could have been and what never will be.

  Chapter 14. Shawn

  I slowly walk into my father’s office. His face is red with anger, and my mother’s is full of questions, concern, and something else.

  “What’s up, Dad? Is this something that can wait, I have to go meet someone?” I ask as he points to the worn black leather chair that is sitting directly in front of his huge wooden desk.

  “No, this can’t wait. Mind telling me what the hell this is all about?” he demands, spinning his computer monitor toward me. On the screen is a picture of Clyde kissing me. That fucking whore! Just then, my phone alerts me I have a text message.

  Oops can’t meet you.

  That bitch. My dad is glaring at me, and shit, I just don’t know how to answer his question.

  “Nothing to say? Well, how about this?” He loads the video of me and Braden fighting at the library and a few pictures of me leaving his dorm room. I sit there in shock. I can’t find the words to explain any of it to them.

  “Shawn, that is clearly a man kissing you.” He points to the picture on the screen. “The video is obviously a fight with someone you are, or were, in a relationship with. Shawn, are you gay?” he asks, but it seems so far away. My mind is swimming. I can’t believe Charlie is this vindictive. I look away from them and feel the tears stream down my face. I do not answer.

  “This…this is an abomination. It’s a sin against God! I will not have a queer for a son!” he screams as he walks around the desk and slaps me across the face. I don’t flinch, I just look up at him, the hurt and anger in his eyes is something I have never seen. “How long, Shawn?” he continues on. I am confused by the question; he must see it. “How long have you been a queer?” That word is like a knife to my gut.

  “All my life,” I say looking him in the eyes. He lowers his head in disbelief. I see a single tear roll down his cheek. Glancing at my mom, she doesn’t appear shocked or even surprised; she has compassion in her eyes.

  “Well, if that’s what you are, you can pack your stuff and get out of my house! I will not have a…a sinner…a faggot in my house!” As if my soul wasn’t already in turmoil, he just crushed it. It feels like all the air in my lungs has been depleted.

  “Benjamin! He’s your son!” Mom yells, now sobbing.

  “No. He’s his mother’s son!” he says walking out of the room.

  I stare at my mom and am puzzled by his statement. She just looks at me and whispers, “I’m sorry.”

  “Benjamin Dominque, you get back here. Since you want to talk about sinning, tell him the truth!” she demands, running after the man that has a secret. “Tell him, or I will!” she demands as we all enter the living room. He’s standing at the fireplace with a glass of bourbon in his hand not saying anything.

  “Tell me what? What are you talking about?” I ask frantically.

  “Fine, but just know, I have loved you from the moment I laid on you,” Mom responds. “The good Reverend here is not without sin himself. He had an affair twenty-three years ago with a beautiful young woman we hired to help in the church office. Her name was Georgia Willens. She had long, brown, wavy hair and beautiful green eyes like yours. She was tall and slender, almost modelesque. She was only eighteen at the time. I was oblivious, apparently. She ended up leaving in a hurry. No note, just gone. Well, one night, at three in the morning, we got a call saying we were Georgia’s emergency contact, and we needed to get to Austin, Texas as soon as possible. Evidently, she had no family so to speak of. We were shocked. No, wait, I was shocked, your father was nervous. Anyways, we caught the first flight out. Two hours later, we landed and headed straight to the hospital. After we got there, a doctor came to speak to us. She had died in childbirth. Her baby was born almost three months early and only weighed about four pounds. She named Benjamin as the father to her son. He denied it and refused to even look at this little, tiny miracle. I asked to see the baby, and even though he was quite underdeveloped, I knew right away that Benjamin was, in fact, the father. He tried to make me walk away like he did, but I couldn’t. That baby didn’t ask to be born. I told your dad I wasn’t leaving the hospital until that boy was healthy enough to come with me. He asked the hospital for a blood test that wasn’t needed but was done, and I stayed there until he was strong enough to be discharged. That baby was yo
u, Shawn.” She walks up to me and runs her hand over my cheek.

  “We told everyone about Georgia, her passing, and how you were left to us to care for and raise. I hated the lie. I felt dirty every time it was said. But Shawn, I love you so much, so I was willing to sacrifice my soul. I don’t care what your sexuality is, you are my son if only in spirit.” I push her hand away and stand, walking over to the man who has lied to me my whole life.

  “Say something! Is this Georgia my real mom?” The man doesn’t speak or even shake his head. “Why won’t you deny what she’s saying!” My father turns and looks me up and down with disgust.

  “No matter my indiscretions, I am not a homo,” he decrees and walks away.

  I look at the woman I thought was my mom with tears pouring down her face, and I can’t even feel sorry for her right now. I run out the door to my car, sitting for a minute screaming, “FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!”

  I start the car and speed to the one place I have ever felt any joy. Hope he’ll open the door.

  Chapter 15. Braden

  I’m nearly asleep when a knock sounds on my door. I almost dismiss it as noise from next door. They are always throwing parties and getting rowdy. It doesn’t usually bother me too much; I can sleep through anything, but this sound is too close, and for some reason, I can’t ignore it. It’s probably someone drunkenly mistaking my room for the one beside me. It has happened a couple of times, though, it seems awfully quiet over there tonight.

  I sit up and throw my legs over the edge of the bed. I pull on the pair of jeans I had been wearing only an hour ago and don’t bother with a shirt since I will just be telling whoever it is that they have the wrong room.

  Opening the door a crack, I stare into the most beautiful green eyes; eyes I have been painting for so long now that I know them better than my own. His eyes are ringed red, and he looks devastated. I come so close to slamming the door in his face, but one look at him and I know I can’t do it. Something has happened to Shawn, and he needs a friend right now. I’m not sure I’m qualified to be that person since a part of me still wants to knock him silly for the way he has treated me.

  I open the door wider and step back. He looks so hopeful as he gazes at me.

  “What are you doing here, Shawn,” I ask when he finally comes in, and I shut the door behind him. He runs a hand down his face and looks around wearily. He notices the painting of him I have up that I captured from our moment in the library. He looks at it for a moment, and I groan internally. I should have put it away, but in my defense, I never would have guessed he’d come over.

  “You did paint that picture of me that was at the charity ball.” He looks at me over his shoulder.

  “I have no idea how it got there. I had set it outside my door after I spilled water on it,” I reply with a shrug. I’m still curious how it ended up there myself. I know it isn’t something I would have donated.

  “I think I can guess how,” he says as his teeth grind together, and I see a tic form in his chiseled jaw from clenching so tightly.

  “Care to share the details.” I arch a brow at him. He obviously knows something I do not.

  “Charlie has decided to ruin my life because I don’t want to be with her,” he informs me, running his fingers through his hair.

  “Do you think she’s the one who sent me the pictures?” I ask, not that it matters. He was still kissing another man.

  “Yes.” Shawn turns and fully faces me now. He takes a step toward me with his hands out, but before he reaches me, I step away from him.

  “It doesn’t matter who sent them. I still saw you kissing that older man,” I respond and square my shoulders. I will hold my head up. I will not cry. The man has caused me to shed more tears in the brief time I have known him than I ever have in my life.

  “I met Clyde to tell him that I wouldn’t be seeing him anymore.” He shakes his head sadly.

  “Is that how you say goodbye to all your exes?” I ask incredulously.

  “No! He followed me out to my car and kissed me. I pushed him away. Charlie must have taken the picture just before I did that.” He frowns and stares at the floor for a moment before meeting my eyes again.

  “I swear I would never want anyone else,” he says as he takes another step toward me.

  “Have you been with anyone else since we started seeing each other?” I ask even though I’m not sure I want the answer.

  “Not since I told you I want to be exclusive,” he replies, and for some reason, I believe him. Maybe it’s just wishful thinking on my part.

  “My entire world is fucked up right now. My dad knows I’m gay. My mother informed me that he had an affair with a barely legal girl, and I’m the result.” Shawn curses as he turns and paces away from me. “He kicked me out. What the fuck am I supposed to do?” Turning back around to me, I realize how completely wrecked he is. I go over and wrap my arms around him.

  “For starters, you can stay here. They never did give me a roommate, so I still have an extra bed. As for your father, he sounds like a complete hypocrite, though, so far, I have noticed hypocrisy runs deep in the south. Any male can give life to a child. It takes a real man to be a father and an even better man to love unconditionally,” I tell him as I press my head to his chest and hear the loud thump of his heart against my ear. I’m not ready to jump back in with both feet yet, but I will be his friend and see where things go with us. He runs his fingers through my hair and gives it a tug until I am looking up into his eyes. Leaning down to kiss me, I step away from him.

  “I will agree that Charlie wreaked havoc on our lives, but I need to learn to trust you again. I know that we moved much too fast, initially, and I don’t want to make the same mistake twice,” I share with Shawn, and his head drops into his hands. I reach out and pull them away from his face.

  “I am willing to try again, just at a slower pace.” His eyes light up as he pulls me against him and hugs me tightly. I wind my arms around his neck and hold him.

  “You won’t regret it. I swear. I will never do anything to hurt you again,” Shawn whispers near my ear. I nod as I absorb his heat. He has been through so much tonight, and still, he is more worried about what I’m feeling than his own grief. If I ever doubted he was a good man, it’s gone now.

  “Come on, let’s get some sleep,” I tell him as I move over to the bed that has never been used. I pull out my spare set of sheets and start to make it up.

  “Can I just share your bed tonight? I don’t want to be alone with my thoughts,” Shawn asks from right behind me. I turn to him and see the weariness in his eyes. I sigh because I know I’m fighting a lost cause. It’s not like I don’t want to feel his strong arms around me after the hell we have both been through. I have never been a violent person, but this Charlie and his father make me want to tear their hair out.

  “Okay.” I take his hand and lead him over to my bed, pulling my jeans off. He watches me with a hungry expression.

  “Cuddling only,” I warn as I climb in and scoot over by the wall to make room for him. He starts stripping his clothes off, and my eyes track his every move. Maybe taking sex off the table was a bad idea. I lick my lips as I follow the line of hair that starts at the bottom of his belly button and disappears into his boxer briefs. The man is perfection. Why he’s interested in me, I’ll never know. I hold the covers up so he can slide in, but as soon as I drop them, his mouth is covering mine. I moan as he devours my lips. I had forgotten how well he kisses. My toes curl, and my hand automatically slides into his hair, gripping him as though he will disappear. He chuckles as he pulls away.

  “You asked me to move slowly, love. I’m just honoring that.” Shawn pulls me against him, so my back is now to his front. I can feel how much he wants me against my ass cheeks. I’m tempted to grind on him, but I know it will just make things more difficult, and he is a man of his word. I curse myself for wanting to take things slow but knowing that come morning, I will be happy with my decision even though it doesn’t feel that
way now.

  “Goodnight, Braden,” he says and kisses my neck. I love the feel of his mouth against me, it doesn’t matter where.

  “Goodnight, Shawn,” I respond as I snuggle against his arm that’s under my head. I breathe in his masculine scent and let it soothe me to sleep.

  Chapter 16. Shawn

  Lying next to this man, this beautiful soul that should have told me to fuck off makes all of the stress that bitch has caused fade. I dreamed of her, my birth mother. She was beautiful. Standing there in an open daisy-filled field, wearing a yellow sun dress, barefoot, arms open wide for me to run into. She wrapped them around me, and it felt like…like…love, acceptance, and all that a child feels in the warmth of their mother’s embrace. I cried nestled in the crook of her neck. Her long, thick, dark hair smelled of strawberries, her skin soft and sun-kissed. She pulled my head away so her emerald green eyes could look into mine.

  When she spoke, it was almost a whisper, her voice low and sweet. “Look at you, so handsome. You look like your father,” she said with my head between her hands.

  “I don’t want to talk about him,” I requested.

  “Shawn, be mad if you want or need to, but you will forgive him. I wasn’t innocent in all of this. I knew he was married but still carried on the affair. Your mom is a wonderful woman. She stayed at that hospital night and day, rocking you, singing to you, reading books to you. She didn’t hesitate, not one bit, about caring for you. Her love for you was the purest form of love, the love of a mother,” she encouraged, stroking the side of my face.

  “He wanted to leave me there dying, refusing me as his child. I always wondered why he treated me like a second-class citizen,” I explained, tilting my head in to her touch.