by Danah Khalil
I’ve promised myself to avoid checking the scale on my own, but with all of these new changes, I’ll have no choice but to keep a constant eye on my weight.
September 12, 2012
I need someone in my life to tell me that I am beautiful and strong and sexy, and someone to scare the demon away when I no longer have the courage to.
September 15, 2012
As predicted, the arrival of the new school year did, in fact, hinder my progress over these past two weeks. Luckily, I didn’t regress completely and lose weight. I just managed to maintain my previous gain. Apparently, my body requires a bigger change than the addition of one extra granola bar…. But what else on my diet can I shift around? This is where everything becomes trickier, since it is becoming increasingly difficult to distinguish my own voice from Ed’s when I reach for another yogurt or a larger plate of pasta. And unfortunately, it has become much easier to surrender to Ed’s orders and spare myself the post-meal drama.
“No, that is too much food, you will gain unhealthy weight!”
One habit that my mother would really like me to change is my consumption of the exact same thing daily, but she cannot fathom how difficult this would be. I will begin to panic and stress about whether some meals or snacks from previous days were considerably heavier or lighter.
“How will this affect my weight?” is my perpetual question. And frankly, this process has become both physically and mentally exhausting. My portions are already too big for a person of my small size; I feel full so easily and quickly now, but I need to keep eating. Then the more I eat, the more I panic, and the more I will exercise afterwards to burn off the excess food.
I
am
trapped
in
a
vicious,
ceaseless
cycle.
September 24, 2012
I really wish I could take a blissful break from it all – some form of recess from all the food, bickering, and confusion. I try so hard at times to block out the sounds and commotion in an attempt to have some reprieve from my conflicting thoughts, but it is impossible to do so. My mind will not keep still and the pressures that I face daily refuse me any peace and serenity.
The recovery process was so much less painful and confusing at the start – nearly effortless! All I needed in order to gain weight was one Boost a day. Now, due to the adjustments that my body has made to my new diet, it is much more complicated. I am desperately struggling; I am drowning, failing to break the water’s surface. I feel myself beginning to lose hope and slip down into the hole once again.
So why not just put yourself out of your misery?
Surrender to me, and you will never fall again.
It is only up from here, baby.
What is the point of trying anymore?
When is it time to give up?
The time is now.
September 27, 2012
I take back what I said many months ago about dying.
I do not wish to die;
I wish to
F
A
L
L
into
a
deep
slumber
and
to
not
wake
for
a
very
long
time.
September 28, 2012
Haiku to Ed
You dragged me away
Where no one can hear me scream
And you locked the door.
October 1, 2012
My weight took a giant leap today.
Back to where it all began…
125 pounds.
But it is not over yet,
so I am told….
Will it ever be?
October 5, 2012
Fairytale
You stumble across a hole, inviting you under.
You inch toward a demon, booming as thunder.
Slowly, it consumes your body and your soul.
Slowly, it controls your thoughts and your goals.
Dragging you from your feet, it sweeps you from the floor.
Dragging you from yourself, it shuts and locks the door.
Scramble to your feet; chase the demon away.
Scramble to your freedom; make the monster pay.
Your efforts are useless; it stays with you forever….
Your battles are hopeless; it leaves your side never.
To blame oneself…that is honest, no?
To fight oneself…that is madness, so?
Perhaps it is too late to take another swing.
Perhaps it is too late to crown another king.
October 6, 2012
MUM AND DAD KEEP FUCKING WATCHING ME SCRIBBLE AWAY IN MY NOTEBOOK AND I CANNOT EVEN FUCKING DEAL LIKE WHEN WILL THEY LEAVE ME ALONE DO I HAVE ANY SEMBLANCE OF PRIVACY IN THIS HOUSE I BET THEY COME INTO MY ROOM WHEN I AM OUT TO READ EVERY DIRTY WORD WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THEM!!!???
October 7, 2012
Despite being back to what I weighed a year ago, my mental state couldn’t be more different from what it used to be. Just twelve months ago, I could eat three times more than a normal person my age without having one silly little doubt, fear, or threat cross my mind. Now? I go into panic mode the second I swallow one damn bite more than I should have.
The same goes for my exercise routine. Just last year I could sit on my ass practically all week – apart from playing soccer every now and then – without feeling a hint of guilt, regret, or unease. Now? I find myself plunging into panic mode the instant my routine faces a change.
Last night, for example, a massive power outage hit before I could exercise because I had procrastinated and been lazy during the day. Not only was I scolded severely by Ed for hours and hours, but I also had a severe anxiety attack as I paced in my bedroom figuring out how to burn off my food intake for the day.
You see, the weather was far too shitty for an outdoor bike ride or jog, and since the damn power was out, the treadmill was not an option either. To make matters worse, I had already done all of my home workouts for the week, so I really was fucked either way. My mind raced wickedly, until finally, I decided to create a workout on the spot. Sounds like a good plan, no?
NO.
Since the workout had not been preconceived or written out, I didn’t know when to stop – or rather, I was not allowed to stop. I was upstairs in my room shredding it out on the floor for over two hours.
My parents knew.
My sister knew.
Everyone knew.
They tried to call me down to join them for a movie – their foolish attempt to reel me in – but I ignored every shout and knock at the door, just as I consistently ignore everyone’s efforts to send me down the road to recovery.
Fuck recovery.
Fuck everyone.
Fuck the damn demon for causing me to feel this goddamn crazy.
October 10, 2012
Chasing Recovery
I see it through the changes in the mirror.
I taste it through the bitterness of the grub.
I feel it through the pinch of extra skin.
But am I close enough to
reach out and grasp it?
Or will it fall through my
skinny fingers as I miss it?
Climbing the hole – up or down?
Jabbing the demon – right or left?
Fighting the disorder – conquer or defeat?
October 14, 2012
About a week ago, a tiny splash of red appeared in my panties. I actually thought it might have been my imagination, or maybe just my tired, hopeful brain imagining the near impossible.
But the next day, the tiny splash of red returned! It disappeared a few days later, as though it had never been there at all. But it was – and its significance is
H U G E.
My nurses have now scheduled my appointments monthly! Although I am, of course, relieved and ecstatic, I feel as though everything has been moving so quickly since I reached the magic number – 125. First, my mother stops purchasing Boost, then this spotting appears, and now I don’t have to visit the 8th floor until November? Don’t they see that I am easily as capable of crashing as I am of rising? Why am I being so rushed?
But wait…. This is what my heart has been hankering for all along: independence and recovery. Clearly this whole problem is more complicated than I thought. Although my body may show signs of recovery, my mind still pleads desperately for Ed to set me free and for someone to throw me a lifeline and pull me out of the pit. The recovery process is long and exhausting. I fall back down into the hole time and time again. I do not believe I will ever truly escape.
What are you really trying to escape from?
I reassure you, I comfort you, and I provide you with love and care.Your parents, on the other hand, tear you down, belittle you, and impede your happiness.
October 20, 2012
Why?
Why did you choose to torture me instead of somebody more beautiful?
You were screaming signs of imperfection and vulnerability.
Why?
Why do you continue to haunt me instead of somebody with more virtue?
You will remain my prisoner; my hostage under my sole command.
October 23, 2012
The Boost in the fridge has completely disappeared and the supply will not be replenished. Today is the day to end that consumption as well as my daily abdominal and yoga exercises. Although it took a very long time to reach this point, I give credit to my mother for finally talking some actual sense into me the other day. Hammering away at the nearly indestructible shield Ed has constructed around me, my mother was eventually able to crack it slightly. Some traces of positivity and light were allowed to enter. Mother had the determination and strength to probe my mind even before I did.
She reassured me that eating more on days that involve intense or frequent exercise is normal and necessary. Although these words may sound familiar, Mother used to approach me often to discuss the issue while I was in the midst of eating or exercising, which was a rookie mistake. Tensions, emotions, and hormones run insanely high for me at those two times; if anyone is to interrupt or distract me, I break down and cry.
Mother says she doesn’t want me to obsess about either gaining or losing weight; she would simply like me to maintain my new weight and to start eating “normally” again. How could I refuse this request? My body and mind have both been in such distress recently due to my constant overeating, that actually eating less sounds extraordinary!
I agree.
Now that I am open to the idea of consuming in attempt to achieve maintenance, I must not only eat less, but exercise less too. That’s why my daily workout had to be put to a stop…. Well, sort of put to a stop. You see, I still perform a couple of exercises nightly for my volleyball fitness program, along with a bit of stretching. However, this routine is just ten minutes, so I view it as acceptable. And after all, I will not be in this stage forever; I will eventually cut it out once the volleyball season ends….
Believe what you want, honey; exercise is still exercise.
I told you that you could never get rid of me.
I feel the demon’s fingers fumbling to grasp my ear, as he places his lips close to speak into it. But for once, Ed has become too weak to take control. I am doing the right thing this time. I know it.
November 1, 2012
Although I am absolutely baffled as to how it happened, I stepped onto the scale on the 8th floor today to discover a brand-new number starring back at me: 127.2. This weight gain means that I have now passed my starting weight from before I encountered Ed.
It also means that you are FAT.
For once, I am in the position of authority. Even at roughly 127 pounds, I can truthfully say that as I look into a mirror, I admire the strong, athletic figure looking back at me.
The doctors have promised to keep our appointments to a monthly schedule now, and that I will be free soon enough if I gain just a few more pounds.
Wait, what happened to maintenance?
You are already so heavy!
Just imagine what you will look like at 130.
Will I really be free after “just a few more pounds?” All the whispering in my ears increases my doubt…. Just last week they said I was allowed to maintain, and the story has already changed. Will the doctors or the disorder ever release me?
November 8, 2012
Lately, it seems as though my mind has been playing dirty tricks on me again. It’s as if Ed’s method of rebelling against my body’s recovery is to fuck greatly with my emotions. I have never had such anger or stress issues before. Since the beginning of grade 9, I have had temper tantrums and anxiety attacks almost daily. Thankfully, these explosions occur in the privacy of my home. I’m afraid that one day, I will lose all control in public when something doesn’t go my way.
I just crack.
I scream. I cry. I whine. I groan. I throw. As though the whole world has shut down beneath my feet and the only way back in is to have an extreme outburst. It would be easy to blame it on the substantial leap from grade 8 to grade 9, but realistically my temper tantrums are only school related about a third of the time, give or take. The other incidences, well…
I blame the disorder.
If I don’t have enough time to eat my morning snack, I freak out. If my family insists on joining me at the gym, I howl and sob uncontrollably. The ridiculous list goes on and on. Admittedly, these mental breakdowns started to occur during the first stages of the demon’s attack last year, but the fact that they are returning more often now convinces me that Ed has returned with a vengeance and is warming up in the corner, ready to fight. The demon is back to haunt me and drag me down into the hole again….
And all I can do is cry.
November 24, 2012
Heavenly Father,
I apologize for distancing myself from you lately, even though I suppose that in these tough times, I really should be reaching out for your wisdom, forgiveness, and courage. I pray that you forgive me for all the sins I have committed in the past few months, but really, my back is against the wall. I honestly can’t help screaming, crying, being angry, and causing stress in my family. Please understand that this horrible person is not who I am. I am being controlled by a relentless, dark disorder and suffocated by the demon in this collapsing pit.
Please, Protector, save me from this end; don’t allow me to fall and to meet this tragic fate. I miss your sunlight, your warmth, and your shelter. I beg you to instill in me the ability to rip the sorrow away.
Christ, my Lord, what do you seek in return? All that I have to offer is a kind sincere soul that will spread only positivity from here on…. At least, I will try to with every ounce of strength that remains within me.
December 4, 2012
Current Weight: 129 pounds.
“Relax – maintain this new weight.”
“Keep gaining until your period returns.”
Listen to me; the other voices don’t know shit.
“Stop being so obsessive about your eating choices.”
“Just a few more pounds; you are almost there.”
You have gained more than enough already – lose five pounds.
Then lose another five.
Then lose another ten.
Then lose it all.
December 10, 2012
Big news today! My period has returned. Clearly, these weight-maintenance adjustments have been working well fo
r me. I am so glad to be back on track and to being much closer to finding myself again.
On a more unfortunate note, I have been wondering lately if my sickness is spreading through the family like some infectious, poisonous virus. My older sister has always been slightly curvier than I. In fact, her body initially contributed to the development of my disorder because she was a perfect example of how poor eating habits catch up with one’s body. Even so, the insensitive twit now has the nerve to constantly ask for my health advice. In her ridiculous quest to slim down, she wants to know how I lost all of the weight that I did! She wants to know how? Get a fucking eating disorder – that’s how.
I will attack her with pleasure.
I see my early habits beginning in her: skimping on carbs, hitting the gym every day, planning her meals, counting calories, measuring portions, doing research, and finding inspiration. It is as though she is literally trying to acquire an eating disorder. How has she not seen the traumatic impact it had on me? She must be blind, or even worse, she’s already been invaded by a demon. If so, it is a long road to recovery, rest assured. And no one deserves to battle similar struggles as I had.
I think I am taking this all so seriously because seeing my (old?) self within her awakens memories of my previous habits: all her talk about weight loss, all the time she spends at the gym, and all of her measuring…. Why am I not doing those things anymore? Shouldn’t I be exercising vigorously and being picky about my food choices too?
Yes, follow your sister.
She knows what is right.
She has me by her side.
I feel as though I should blame myself. After all, it was my vulnerability that allowed Ed to attack. I allowed the disorder to spread.
December 22, 2012
Today, I officially said good-bye to my food blog as I signed off of my Tumblr once and for all. I was absolutely astonished – and elated – at the comments of a handful of my followers when I announced that my exit was due to Ed slowly finding his way back into my mind through all of the pictures of health foods.