by Danah Khalil
Okay, okay, okay. Maybe Ed did help me to achieve some positive things in life, but they were no compensation for all of the tears shed, all the relationships lost, and all of the optimism blown away.
October 1, 2013
I have just spent the past four hours browsing through the hundreds of eating disorder websites to see just how accurate this bullshit information could be. Shockingly – and terrifyingly – it was far more accurate than anticipated.
And
That
Scares
Me
Beyond
Belief.
Main Types:
Anorexia Nervosaà low body weight; intense fear of weight gain; distorted perception of shape; limited calories; excessive exercise, severe health problems
Bulimia Nervosaà bingeing and purging; lack of control; food restriction
Orthorexiaà obsession with foods one considers healthy; avoiding foods in the belief that they cause disastrous, harmful effects on one’s body and overall health
Common Symptoms:
Skipping meals and rarely eating; constantly making excuses
Overly restrictive diet of health food
Only eats and prepares own meals
Withdrawal from social encounters – especially those involving the consumption of food
Perpetual talk and complaints about weight, diet, exercise, and goals
Preoccupied by thoughts surrounding food and exercise
Checking the mirror throughout the day; distorted body image
Tooth enamel loss, thin hair, weak nails, chest pain, swollen stomach
Eating extremely slowly
Eating in secret; fear of eating in public, or being rushed and stared at
Feeling ashamed, guilty, or disgusting after eating
Calorie counting and obsessive thoughts
Adversely affected by the media, super models, diet blogs, and advertisements
Listing good and bad foods; excessive meal planning
Rigid linking of meals to specific times; other rituals such as only using a certain cup or plate
Behaviors focused around food preparation and planning; shopping, cooking, reading recipes and nutritional guides
Repetitive body-monitoring behaviors; pinching oneself, weighing oneself
Body concealment; wearing baggy clothes, changing style dramatically
Lying about amounts of food and exercise
Rearranging food on plate and cutting food into small pieces
Denying hunger; focusing on self-control
Prepares elaborate meals for others, but rarely consumes them
Extreme sensitivity to the cold
Loss of menstrual period in females
Fainting, dizziness, fatigue
Depression, anxiety, moodiness, irritability, low self-esteem
Do I tell the doctors at my next hospital appointment that I still possess many of these symptoms…?
I
Never
Know
What
Is
The
Right
Thing
To
Do.
October 5, 2013
I just had the biggest fucking brain fart I spaced so badly I don’t even know why I started eating my evening snack at 6:45 instead of 6:50 so I did not even get a full hour to digest my big stupid fucking dinner I am such an idiot why did I not wait those five stupid minutes oh my God it is times like these that I really fucking hate my life and realize just how stupid I really am.
October 11, 2013
Today was…
The last time I hope to step into the
Eating Disorders hallway on the 8th floor.
The last time I hope to acknowledge
the Recovery is Possible painting.
The last time I hope to take a pee test
and place it in a brown bag.
The last time I hope to meet with
the nurses, doctors, and therapists.
The last time I hope to recite the poem above the scale before weighing in.
The last time I hope to feel
my heart drop at the numbers
that appear before me.
But it will not be the last time I encounter Ed.
Although I am elated today that my counselor declared I’m officially on the right track, that I don’t have to attend hospital sessions any longer, and that they plan to take me off of their books for good, I am still reunited with my good old friend Uncertainty. I have gone from feeling confident and appointment-free to practically begging to return to the hospital in a matter of days; I am certain it will happen again. Hopefully, it will not be anytime soon, but realistically, I know that won’t be the case. The hole will never become easier to clamber out of. The demon will never quit. The disorder will never wholly disappear.
Will I be able to fight it all?
I am capable of shrugging the voices off most of the time, but will I ever enjoy complete recovery? When will I be strong enough not to hear the voices at all? My muscles are beginning to ache. I have grown too tired of chasing recovery in this never-ending race.
Maybe if your legs were not weak as fucking jelly, you could keep up!
October 12, 2013
Haiku to Ed
I bid thee farewell;
A good-bye to the 8th floor,
And hello to Ed.
October 15, 2013
Why do I care so damn much about what everyone else is eating, how everyone else is exercising, and if everyone else is mentally healthy? I am by far the worst in my friend group when it comes to being judgmental; I love to find faults in others, and oddly enough, I think that I subconsciously believe I am doing it for a better cause.
For instance, I may take a look at some random girl – or even a celebrity – that my friends all rave about for having the perfect body, and I will automatically shut them down by saying “She is far too skinny.” Or my friends will tell me what they had for breakfast, and I won’t hesitate to tell them “That is not nearly substantial enough in quantity or quality.” Honestly, I feel for my friends sometimes; certainly, my behavior must be irritating, but I can’t stop, no matter how hard I try. I guess I’m trying to prove to my friends that I no longer have an issue with food, exercise, and body image….
But does all this constant criticism and talk only fuel their suspicions?
October 31, 2013
Haiku to Ed
We spook the children
But the demon wants to play.
Happy Halloween.
November 6, 2013
I walked into the shawarma shop with Daddy – actually with the intention of ordering a sandwich for once – and immediately, my eyes lit upon the bloody raw meat in the back of the shop being sliced and diced and placed onto the large rotisserie spit.
My eyes darted away and I even had to take a seat, face the window, and tell myself to breathe.
“Danah,” Dad called, snapping me out of my fog. “Come tell the man what toppings you’d like on your shawarma.”
“Daddy, I don’t want one anymore,” I mumbled, not even bothering to turn around. I didn’t want to see his peeved expression.
“What?” he asked. “I can’t hear you. Come here.”
I turned around in my seat, careful not look at the meat being prepared in the kitchen. “I don’t want one anymore,” I said, much louder this time.
“Why?” Daddy snapped. “You wanted one before we got here.”
“Uh, yeah, I guess, but I am not very hungry anymore.”
“No. You know what? Come here and order. I didn’t drive here for nothing. You asked for it, and you’re having it. Come here.”
The man behind the counter stared rudely. When I didn’t budge from my seat, Dad rolled his eyes and waved his hand in my direction, shooing me away.
“Fine, whatever. Just get her chicken on a whole wheat pita with cucumbers, lettuce, peppers, and spicy mayonnaise.”
“Ew! Dad, what the fuck?” I shrieked, not caring about my bad language in a public place (or the fact that he would probably punish me when I got home). Dad whipped around. His eyes were threatening and his hands shook with anger, but I continued anyway.
“If you are going to order for me, at least get it right!” I didn’t give a shit if my attitude was lousy. I was pissed. “You know I can’t stand sauces!”
Fuck. Tears welled up in my eyes. What is wrong with me?
You?
What is wrong with HIM?
Do NOT let him walk all over you like that!
“But I…I…already put the mayonnaise on,” the man stammered. “Would you like me to start over?”
“Yes, please,” I breathed, suddenly remembering a little thing called manners. I sat back down, ashamed of myself, and avoided Daddy’s angry glare.
I ate the shawarma when I got home to please Dad, who is still not talking to me, and felt sick to my fucking stomach afterwards. I am disgusted with myself.
And so am I.
You little bitch!
How could you devour tha when you saw the bloody meat?
I hope you enjoyed it while it lasted, because that is the last shawarma you will ever eat.
November 16, 2013
I don’t understand why my family is so fucking stupid. Let me explain. You see, on Wednesday we always have hamburgers for dinner, but I hate hamburgers because they don’t fill me up enough and I dislike big hunks of meat. I saved the damn seafood and veggie pasta for a reason. I labeled the Tupperware for a goddamn reason. My name was on it. I took a sticky note and wrote my damn name on it. But my fucking mother took it to work anyway. Selfish bitch. And just last week, the exact same thing happened with the leftover stir-fry I had set aside. But for some damn reason, my idiot sister took this as an invitation to stuff her fat-ass face with it, leaving me only a couple of spoonfuls.
“That is more than enough for you, Danah. Just chill.”
I gawked, horrified. “More than enough!? That’s barely enough for a damn squirrel, let alone me. And no, I will not ‘chill’ because I am perfectly in line. YOU are the one who fucked up.”
“Why are we even fighting over this right now? It’s just food. You’re psycho!”
“I AM NOT PSYCHO. YOU ARE JUST A SELFISH BITCH!” I screamed at the top of my lungs, wishing the entire world could hear me. My sister began to laugh. I began to cry. I stormed up to my room and cried and cried and cried.
November 18, 2013
My friends are more athletic than I am.
My friends are more cheerful than I am.
My friends are more loveable than I am.
My friends are more beautiful than I am.
My friends are more intelligent than I am.
My friends are
better than I am
in every way possible.
I disagree, darling.
You work out far more than they do.
You eat far cleaner than they do.
And that is all that matters.
Never forget that.
Never.
November 24, 2013
I am still so uncertain when it comes to food vs. exercise. Am I still eating to gain weight? Or is the part of my life that always had me fighting off the demon behind me now?
Oh, so naïve…
You can never surpass me.
I am continuing to eat a substantial amount—
Yes, too much.
I am also maintaining my extensive workout regime—
Not nearly extensive enough.
So essentially, this is balance, no?
No, this is all a big, treacherous
G
A
M
B
L
E.
The only thing that would make everything crystal clear is the return of my period…. But what if I am permanently fucked, and it never comes back? What if Ed has scared it off forever? Even my period has taken its turn at running away to hide!
Do not even think about chasing it.
Tracking it down will do no good.
It is long, long gone.
Despite all of my current confusion and anxiety, I believe the mental side of things is improving. Ed is still here – right beside me, watching over exactly what goes onto my plate and how much is sweated off – but I’m the one who most often gets the last word.
December 3, 2013
I pranced down the stairs, fully intending to whip up my usual healthy breakfast, when an amazing aroma met me.
Eggs.
And spinach.
Sizzling in the pan.
Wrapped up in a lovely omelet.
Dad gestured me toward the dish without a word.
Wait.
Why was I considering this?
Oh, yes. Because it is perfectly normal to eat an egg omelet.
I kept reassuring myself, as the warmth soothed my throat.
I devoured it in minutes.
And went back for seconds.
But who cares?
This is healthy too.
Right?
December 3, 2013
Never again will I eat an egg omelet for breakfast; I felt terribly sick afterwards, both in my stomach and my head.
(Ed was not pleased to say the least.)
And clearly neither were you.
You see, your body does not even want that crap.
All of that grease and oil….
Yuck.
Just imagine it sitting in your stomach.
You should feel ashamed.
December 9, 2013
“All right, Danah, I am heading out to the grocery store now. Are you coming?” Father calls from downstairs. A smile appears on my lips, and my step is lively as I sprint down the staircase, excited for another weekend trip to the store. Honestly, I adore shopping for food; it really is one of my favorite pastimes. There are so many delicious and nutritious options to choose from, so many beautiful colors to take in, and so many new health foods to try.
I also love this Saturday morning routine because I genuinely enjoy spending time with my dad. I’m fairly certain that he would prefer me not to tag along with him because I always cause him to spend far more money than anticipated. Hey, it’s not my fault that health foods are so ridiculously priced. We spend far more time than he anticipates as well. For example, I spend at least fifteen minutes in the granola and cereal aisle alone, comparing the nutrition facts of my favorites to some new ones I have in mind. And once I finally make my decision and place the item or two – or three, or five – in the cart, I automatically start thinking how I will enjoy it for breakfast tomorrow. I might use a quarter cup of it as one of many toppings on my smoothie bowl. The possibilities are endless!
Today, I am wildly grateful to shop for practically anything my heart—
and your demon—
desire.
December 19, 2013
Daily Workout:
* In Addition to Home/Cardio Workouts or Practice
Volleyball
10 single leg bench squats
10 single leg bench lunges
1-minute bear crawl
1-minute spider crawl
10 neck raises
100 Abs
10 push-ups
10 raises
10 scissors
10 flutters
10 V crunches
10 rolling sit-ups
&
nbsp; 10 Russian twists
10 toe taps
10 elbow to knee crunches
10 twist crunches
Yoga
10 sun salutations
10-minute stretch
December 25, 2013
Ed scolds me sternly for indulging in a slice of cake this holiday evening at my cousins’ usual get-together.
“But it’s Christmas!” I protest, not even bothering to hide my fear. He whispers ugly threats in my ears and growls through his teeth; he plots the punishments that he will inflict upon me once I return home.
Planks?
Push-ups?
Squats?
All of the above.
The list is infinite.
Oh, and let’s not forget about the calf raises and crunches, shall we?
His creativity knows no bounds.
You are in trouble, my dear friend; prepare yourself.
The worst is yet to come.
I wish the voice in my head would subside for one merciful evening. Is it wrong to have made an exception for the special holiday that is Christmas? After all, it only comes once a year….
That is once too often.
Now I begin to scold myself too. Just imagine. All of this unnecessary turmoil and fury could have been avoided if my mouth hadn’t fucking salivated at the smell of the rich chocolate-banana combination. If my greedy hands hadn’t reached out for that slice. If I hadn’t laid eyes on my mother’s disheartened expression when I initially replied “No, thank you” to my aunt.
But I did all of that.
And now,
I must live
with the
consequences.
Ed, give me
your best shot.
Ha! Don’t tempt me, little girl.
I will do so with pleasure.
*****
January 3, 2014
New Year’s Resolutions 2014:
Obsess less about diet!
Get period back for good!
Achieve proper balance between food and exercise!
Love yourself, have a positive body image, and be more confident!
Avoid weighing yourself!
Care less about what others may think!