by Tracy Lee
"Yes. The. Fuck I. Am!"
That did it, He exploded in anger and lunged towards me and grabbed the table behind me. Roaring, he hurled with one hand Mona's elegant, marble topped dining room table over onto its side. The entirety of everything that I had been cooking since ten this morning was nothing more now than a stain on Mona's non-blemished white carpet. Out of nowhere and in the slowest of motions, I felt a flash of red heat on my cheek, cheekbone and temple and my head swirl around almost completely. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Bear's arm follow through on the smack.
He had struck me as hard as he could.
Slowly, he lowered himself down to my level and gritted "I told you when we made this fucking deal you weren't going to have contact with that fucking dick-licker again. Now what the fuck aren't you understanding about this?"
Kneeling on the floor with my hand against my cheek, tears were flowing down my face which I could feel mimicking the pulse of my heartbeat. "You hit me…" was all I could get out of my mouth. I was in total shock, here I was pregnant and he had whacked the shit outta my face.
Whispering in my ear he sounded like pure evil "And if you bring that mother fucker's name up again in my presence, it will be a lot worse next time. You understand me, Bitch? Fuck, now look what you've done, you fucked up my dinner… I'm going to the fuckin bar…don't wait up."
I just sat there, still in shock over what just happened. I began to pick up plates, I slowly stood and stayed still for a second to get my equilibrium centered then I began again to pick up the mess that was made because of me. I touched my face again and could feel it beginning to swell and damn did it sting. I continued to scrub the floor to get the peach cobbler out until I curled up into myself right there and fell asleep at eleven thirty. Bear still hadn't made it home.
I woke up the next morning wondering what I was doing on the floor. I was stiff and felt unrested, but I soon found I would be in a rush. Looking at the clock I noticed that it was eight thirteen, I had to be at Doctor Leonard's office at nine. I hurried to get dressed. I used double make up on my face but my eye still looked noticeable, I hoped to god that Dr. Leonard wouldn't say anything to be. At this point I realized that Bear was still not home but I couldn't wait for him, I had to go.
On my way to the doctor's I called his pager number and left a message with the operator that I had went to the sonogram appointment if he wanted to know if he was having a boy or a girl he could meet me at the office. I'm sure the operator was shaking her head in disbelief when I finished. I replayed everything that had happened last night and how pissed off and evil he sounded, he actually scared me when he whispered in my ear. That wasn't a threat it was a promise. He acted as though I didn't have a baby, his baby as he called it growing inside of me. I really think he would've kept hitting me if I didn't shut my mouth.
Sitting anxiously in the waiting room every time the door to the office opened I sat up at attention. Still, no Bear. I grabbed an out of date magazine and acted as though I was reading it. I was lost in my thoughts, about what had happened last night, about TJ and what would he say if he had the chance to experience this with me today, being thrown out of the conversation with myself in my head, I heard my name being called, but I wanted to wait a few more seconds just in case Bear just happened to be running up the stairs.
Finally, I couldn't wait any longer. I went back to the procedure room. The nurse weighed me and took my blood pressure and then made me lay back on the table to measure my belly. I didn't really pay attention to the nurse, I would only see her for eight minutes at the most so I went back to my thoughts.
"Hmmmmm, how many weeks did you say you were, Mrs. Barker-Jackson?" Hearing her hum and then hearing my name I quickly moved out of lala-land.
Hmmmmm, that's can't be good.
Nervously I told her, "Ummmm, I'm twenty-two weeks yesterday?" I wasn't sure if that was the question or not.
I started thinking back to when me and TJ were at the lake and I started counting, whether or not it was that weekend or not, I had never been with anyone else so I guess it really didn't matter when, maybe I was off a week or two.
"Well, you're measuring a little bigger than that, let's just see what the sonogram says, you might be further along than you think." She said with a smile.
Now I was growing anxious, was there something wrong with my baby? What if it was deformed, I knew I had drank alcohol while I was pregnant not knowing I was pregnant, what if I hurt our baby. Oh god, I wanted to break down right here in this office.
Dr. Leonard came in and her bubbly attitude hit me like a lightning bolt. I wasn't in the mood for cheery. I just wanted to see what was wrong with my baby.
"Shall we go ahead or are we gonna wait for daddy…" She asked, her smile taking up most of her face now.
"No, let's just start" I said in monotone.
"Very well. Now this might be cold." She squeezed the gel on my belly and began rubbing the instrument across my skin which spread the gel all over the bottom half of my abdominal region.
"Well, here's the-" She stopped talking fast and just as fast the smile left her face. She pushed several buttons on the machine and then went to the phone to call for the nurse to come in the room, STAT.
Now I'm really fucking freaking. I'm in here by myself, the nurse told me I was measuring big and now the doctor is running around here like I need major surgery.
"Dr. Leonard, what the hell is going on, I'm freaking here."
Nurse…I-don't-know-her-name comes running in
"…I want an HCG count done and I want results by the end of business today!" She demanded to the nurse. The nurse turned to leave and closed the door behind her. Dr. Leonard sat back down and stated "Elleny, I want to show you something."
Oh my god! My kid has a second head or a sixth finger was all that kept going through my mind.
"Do you see this right here? This is your baby. I'm going to do some measurements on it here in a minute, so far everything looks good and progressing well. Do you want to know the sex?"
I look at the monitor and see what looks like a curled up small body. I see the head, torso, hands and feet. I smile, everything looked normal.
"Yes, yes I do."
"It's a girl, Elleny" she says with a smile that looks as fake as Nurse I-don't-know her-name's boobs.
She continues "now do you see this over here?"
I looked over the screen where she was pointing and it looked like a large blob nothing else, I was trying not to hyperventilate. Oh my god, what was next to my baby?
"Oh shit doctor, what is that?"
"It's a butt Elleny, do you see this right here…again she points, that is the penis attached to it. It's another baby Elleny, and it's a boy."
I almost laughed, she was kidding right? I didn't want to hear that it was another baby I wanted to hear that it was a giant blob, possibly waiting to be freed when the little girl came out and it was going to eat the whole town.
"What the fuck did you just say?" Yep, that came out of my mouth.
"You're having twins." There was that smile again…taking control over her entire face.
She did her measurements and played their heartbeats out loud so I could hear them, no wonder I was having a dance party in my belly they were excited to throw me into another emotional breakdown.
I couldn't handle this. This was all too much for one person to handle. I didn't think I could handle finding out I was pregnant, but now I had two babies growing inside of me? I couldn't breathe.
"I can't breathe."
Raising off the stool Dr. Leonard grabbed my hand and helped me sit up on the table. She told me to breathe in and out of my nose, this would pass in a minute, but that was a lie…it wasn't going to pass in a minute was it? I still had another four months with two babies growing in me and then I had to push two babies out of my hoo-ha. Oh god! Not only was I going to be responsible for one of TJ's babies I was responsible for two of them and I had enough problems
remembering to feed myself.
Dr. Leonard informed me that the nurse would be coming in to take some blood and then sat there for a minute until she saw my breathing regulate. She decided to excuse herself to give me a minute to come to grips with the news that I just received.
I didn't know what to do first, so I cried. I cried hard. Then I thought about what to do next, should I call my daddy who was out in the Caribbean enjoying himself, call Bear who apparently didn't give a shit about me and one baby so why would he care about another. So, I called who I always called when I needed to talk.
"Hey babe! Whatcha doin?"
Rachel's voice was so assuring to me. It calmed me. I never needed to question her loyalty or her trustworthiness.
"Rach…there's two."
"What Elle… I can't hear you…speak up."
I was quiet for a second because I needed to pull myself back together. I was getting ready to start sobbing again. I heard a whisper then I heard a door shut on the other end of the phone. "Elleny…is something the matter? Talk to me babe."
I gathered myself together and on a large inhale of breath I repeated "There are two."
"Oh Honey, you scared the shit outta me, I thought something was wrong with the baby… Sugar, there are two what?"
"Babies, Rachel… Babies" I blubbered.
"Oh Jesus, Elleny"
Yeah, that was an understatement. I was lost and alone. I wasn't even in my right mind at this moment in time.
"I'm sorry Rach, I shouldn't have called you. Go back to whatever you were doin, I heard I interrupted you."
"I'm coming over…where are you?" This is what I loved about my friends, I didn't have any family, they were my family and I could depend on them as such.
"I'm at Dr. Leonard's office."
"Can you drive?"
"Rach, I'm fine. You just spend time with your-"
"Shut the fuck up! I'm coming over…now, do I need to come and get you or are you going to meet me at your house?"
Yep, that's Rachel.
"I'll drive home. I will see you there."
"Lilly's coming with."
On my home all that I kept picturing in my head were two babies swimming around in my belly, a version of me and a version of TJ. Our babies that we made out of love and I get to look at them every day for the rest of my life. I get to feel a part of him inside me for the next four months, growing stronger day by day. I began to think to myself that maybe I wasn't so unlucky after all. Maybe I had been doubly blessed.
I made it home and saw Rachel's car sitting in the drive. I walked inside and both Lilly and Rachel were sitting in the living room, as soon as they saw me they both ran to me and we all cried together. Rachel dropped to her knees and began rubbing my belly. I grabbed her hand and lifted her up until she was standing then we went into the living room and all three of us sat hip to hip.
"Did you find out the sexes?" Lilly asked hesitantly, watching to see the expression on my face to see what her mood should be. I smiled and the smile grew bigger and bigger so theirs did as well.
"Ya'll be happy to know that you are the proud aunties to a little girl and a little boy".
All three of us hugged and cried together for what seemed like hours. I needed this comfort, I felt so deserted. This was better than anything I could've dreamed about. Finally we all stopped crying and separated just a bit. Rachel and Lilly's heads turned from side to side when Lilly spoke.
"Ummmm, where's Bear and what the fuck is wrong with your face?"
First I grabbed my face and scoffed, when it came to Bear, I wasn't sure so I just shrugged. I hadn't heard from him all morning, for all I knew he could've been laying in a ditch somewhere, but the way he treated me last night I couldn't have cared less.
Lilly stood up quickly and started for the back of the house, "You mean to tell me he didn't go with you to find out the sex of his baby and he wasn't with you when you found out you were having twins?"
I shook my head because really what could I have said.
I decided to tell them what happened. "Last night he got upset with me because I told him I was going to go see TJ and talk to him about what happened that night."
They both got quiet for a moment. So I continued;
"Ya'll, we have been friends since we were able to form sentences, I can't leave things the way they ended that night."
Still nothing so I continued…again.
"Ya'll think I shouldn't talk to him, dontcha…"
I looked at both of them and saw they were agreeing with him, not for the same reasons but for me, they knew deep down I wouldn't be able to handle it emotionally.
"So how do I give him his stuff back to him, he deserves his shit back right?"
Not one word.
"Ya'll, I am not a fucking mind reader! Ya have to talk here!"
It was Lilly who finally responded to me "Don't do it Elle, don't put yourself in that place. I mean, it almost killed me being so far away from you when "what happened" happened and I had to hear about it on the phone and not be able to do a thing to make you better. I can't go through that again…and neither can your babies. You have to think of them now."
She was right and I knew it, TJ though was like my drug, I just needed just a look, a small peek to get my fix of him. I had yearbooks, pictures anything with him on it stashed away in my room where Bear would never even think to look so that I could just see him and make the unbearable ache go away. He was my obsession. If I saw him and he would talk to me that would make the ache even worse.
I would daydream of him coming up to my door and telling me he still loved me and he wanted me to go with him and I would. I know that in reality if he did that I would more than likely go, but it wouldn't happen now, if he would see me he would think that Bear knocked me up and that I had officially moved on so that would give him a reason to do the same.
"Is he here, Rach?" I whispered to Rachel because I wasn't sure I really wanted to know. She didn't answer so I didn't want to push it. Rachel knew the truth about the deal and the babies but Lilly didn't and I wanted to keep it that way. I had to walk away and catch my breath.
I walked into the kitchen and grabbed an apple juice, Rachel followed me in there. "Don't do it babe, you did the right thing, letting him go…so let him go."
It took everything within me not to tear up, throw something and destroy the whole kitchen all at once. I knew I had to let go but I just couldn't.
"I can't. It eats at me every day. I lay next to a man that doesn't mean shit to me and I dream about a man who I love so much I can't see anything else. I picture him everywhere, every time I see a man going down the street it's him, I can't do this Rach, I'm not going to survive."
"Honey you've done it this long, it will just take time, no one said it was going to be easy, but it will work out."
Just as we were finishing up our chat Bear and Lilly walked in the kitchen. I just stood there and glared at Bear. I really didn't want to get into anything while they were here so I just ignored him.
Taking Lilly and Rachel by the hands I led them out to the back porch. I had Clara make some of her chicken salad before she left yesterday to go spend Thanksgiving with her family. We sat out on the back porch enjoying the beautiful scenery and eating chicken salad and drinking sweet tea laughing and catching up.
They told me about their times at school and even Rachel told me about her new man, Kevin. Lilly had been spending time with Curtis and he was loving it, he missed her so much, you could tell when you look at him he was having a difficult time with the separation.
After several hours of catching up with the girls, they left and I was left alone with Bear. He was in the living room watching television I was in the kitchen cleaning up what was left of the dishes when I felt Bear's hands moving my hair to the side. My hands in the water stilled. His nose came up against the back of my neck. I could hear his loud inhales and exhales as though he was sniffing me, his warm breath hitting my cool neck, all
the sudden I felt his hot wet tongue up against where his nose had just been, he was tasting me.
"I'm sorry, Ellie" he said quietly. I clutched my eyes closed.
"You missed an important appointment today, Bear. I needed you there today and you weren't there, where the hell were you?"
"I stayed in the back room at work again and then just worked some overtime today, I had to get away Ellie, you promised me that you wouldn't have any contact with him after we got married and now here it is, we're married and you're insisting on seeing him. I told you that was my baby, not his."
"Babies, Bear."
He looked back at me quickly…"The fuck you say?"
"I said babies; there's two."
"There's two babies? Twins?"
Now that he's repeating everything I'm saying I'm starting to get nervous. Is he going to change his mind and back out of this agreement? With the way he acted last night, I don't think I'd be too upset.
"Yeah Bear…twins, why are you repeating what I'm saying?"
His eyes were huge and he wasn't moving.
"Ellie baby, I'm so sorry… I fucked up big time." He pleaded as he hugged my back. I missed out on seeing my babies I cannot get that back." He sounded like he was sniffling. "Did you find out what they were?"
I smiled and he knew the answer to that question.
"Do you want to know?"
He shrugged "I don't know…do I?"
Every time he called these babies his I cringed, they weren't his and I died a little inside each time knowing that their real daddy would never experience any of this with me.
"One's a boy and one's a girl" I said as I smiled, thinking about a part of TJ inside me, flowing through my veins and me… was the only one keeping that part alive.
"Oh Ellie, I'm so fucking excited! I've got a boy and a girl…we've got our lil family" he said as he hugged me again. I closed my eyes and just listened to him chatter about spoiling his daughter to death and how he was going to teach all of his football secrets to his son.
I started to think about what he was saying and what Rachel had said to me and maybe she was right. Maybe I needed to give it a chance, he sounded really enthused about having the babies and he didn't have to do what he had done. I started to reconsider what I was feeling.