Personal Experiences

by Tracy Lee

  "C-U-I-M-H-N-I-G-H"

  "What's it say, Elle". He mumbled as he rubbed his lips against mine. Oh my god, there it was; that sweet breath in my face; it was warm against my skin and made my blood boil. My heart was beating two hundred miles an hour. I know he's got to taste the same. I've yearned for this, to have his lips against me again, just once. I closed my eyes and took in the sensory overload that was coming at me so rapidly. This felt like a dream to me.

  I sighed the translation; "Remember".

  I felt his tongue poke out just for a second onto my bottom lip and then it was gone.

  Fucking tease!

  "Remember huh", He said as he stood up and went back over to the buffet. I opened my eyes and felt the anger rush from the bottom of my feet up to the top of my head in less than a few seconds.

  I had enough of him today. If I stayed out here any longer I was gonna punch him in the fucking face. I grabbed my soup and spoon and excused myself from the table and thanked him for a nice evening and begin walking to my room.

  "Where are you going?" He said as he wrapped his hand around the top of my arm. I looked at him, then I looked at my arm thinking he would remove his hand, he didn't, that just pissed me off more.

  "I'm going to bed. I think I've had enough bullshit for one night." I uttered. I decided that I was going in my room to video conference my kids and then go to bed.

  "No you're not."

  He started to drag me back to the living area when I ripped my arm out of his hold and began walking to my room, expressing to anything that was listening.

  "I don't know who the fuck he thinks he is, but I didn't ask his permission to go to bed, I told him I was going to bed. How dare he think he can order me around."

  I heard him laughing as I walked into my room and set my soup on the nightstand next to the bed. I went into the bathroom and washed my face and brushed my teeth. Heading to my luggage, I grabbed my laptop, t-shirt and sweats. I went to get on my bed and open up my computer, when I heard a light knock at the door. I wasn't going to answer it but he continued to knock. I reluctantly walked over and opened the door.

  TJ was standing there with a cup of Jell-O.

  "I would like to apologize for my behavior. I wanted to make sure that you got this before you went to bed, I will be up tomorrow at eight if you'd like to join me for breakfast, they have a wonderful buffet during the week and then we can head over to the office and I can show you around."

  Relaxing a little, I let my guard down and accepted his peace offering.

  "Thank you TJ, that sounds great. I will see you at eight."

  As I went to shut the door, he held out his hand as to shake on it. I indulged him by sticking my hand in his. As I went to shake, I felt him tug my arm hard. I went to pull back but his lips were already on mine and he was kissing me hard but slow. His tongue tempting my lips to open with little swipes across them, finally, my mouth opened and allowed him access on its own accord and that was it, I was lost. His taste, his smell, the way he moaned when he succeeded at accomplishing his main priority, breaking down my defenses. I needed more, this was not going to be enough. I felt this was leading us somewhere I couldn't go, I had already had one breakdown over ending this; I couldn't take another one. In a rush I pushed him away. His breaths were rapid and short in duration. His eyes looked like the fire in them had been extinguished. I couldn't look at him much longer because I wouldn't be able to fight him off.

  "Good night, Mr. McHale." I said as I began to shut the door before he had a chance to respond.

  "Good night Ellie-bean, sweet dreams" I could hear the smile in his voice. I knew there was no going back to where we were before. This professionalism bullshit just took a nose dive right out the fucking window.

  Chapter Thirteen

  December 1992

  Richland was beautiful this time of year. Other than a disturbance here and there from a momma deer and her baby, the snow laid crisp and clean across the front yard. It was Christmas Eve and I was excited, my two favorite girls were coming home from school and I so wanted to hear all about the college life since I lived vicariously through them.

  Things were going well for us. I was healthy, huge but healthy. The babies were growing and everything looked good according to my last sonogram two weeks ago. Daddy and Mona returned from their trip after Thanksgiving and I surprised them both with two bibs a piece that said "I love my grandpa and grandma", one in pink, one in blue. It took them a minute to wrap their minds around what I was trying to say so I just came out and told them about the twins. They jumped up and we hugged and cried…again but they were as excited as I was.

  Bear on the other hand, had begun to grow even more distant. He wouldn't come home two or three nights a week and he barely even talked to me anymore. I was hoping with Christmas here we would spend more time together, at least to get prepared on what to expect when the twins arrived.

  I was now on the downhill slide of this pregnancy. I was due in March but from what I've been told, multiple births don't usually make it to forty weeks. I wanted the babies to be developed but dammit, I was ready for them to come out of me. I was exhausted, my tummy felt sore from all the kicking and I don't think I would ever forget the feeling of a head or foot stuck up under my ribs, let's just say even though I was fat when I felt pain, I moved as though I was a marathon runner who just heard the starting gun being fired.

  I hadn't heard anything from TJ nor had I seen him. I wondered about him daily. Images of him would appear in my head and I would ponder on how football was going, if his classes were going well, if he had someone in his life.

  I was heading into the back of the house to the study where I was secretly hiding my present stash, to begin the daunting task of wrapping when I heard the doorbell ring. I went to the door and opened it, not even thinking to look through the peephole, this is Richland; AKA Mayberry I can't even believe there are peepholes in door here in Richland. There stood before me a lady, as I stood there longer I began to question myself on whether it was a lady or not. She looked like she was a vagabond.

  Her hair was greasy and the color was dull. She had about 3 inches of root regrowth that was jet black and yet the rest of her head was bleach blonde. Her face had concealer caked onto what looked like a week's worth of already caked on concealer. Her fake eyelashes were barely hanging onto what thin lashes she had attached to her eyelids. Her eyes-shadow was powder blue and coated the entire skin above her eye, her rubbed on crème blusher was rusty red and her lipstick was as red as blood. It didn't even follow the lines of her lips it just went all over the area under her nose and above her chin.

  Grabbing the cigarette out of her mouth she spoke "the fucks Bear?" Ok, I seriously began questioning if this was a woman; she must smoke 3 packs a day. She proceeded to stick her head in around me looking into my childhood home, screaming Bear's name underneath my arm. This was when I picked up her smell. She smelled like she had been raised in a brothel. The smell of nasty sex reeked on her mixed with body odor, cigarettes and booze. I had a feeling it had been awhile since she had felt water touch her skin. I held my breath as she continued to try and move around me. I was thankful at this moment for my girth otherwise she would've been able to get by me.

  "Bitch, get out of my way!" She growled at me. I know my face looked distorted because I could feel it when I heard her talk to me like she was talking out the side of her neck.

  I had to keep my wits about me, I was a southern lady with class, unlike this scum that was leaving her trail of filth at my doorstep.

  "Ummmm ma'am, I don't know who you are or why you're looking for my husband but Bear is not home at the moment."

  She looked at me eye level then dropped her sight to my feet and covered the length of my body with her disgusting inspection of my beautiful pregnant, washed body.

  "So you're the cunt who tries to hold him down, huh?"

  I jumped back shocked at this question, which I'm guessing, was rhetorical beca
use there's no way in hell I was answering it.

  I put the fake, get the fuck outta here before I grab the bat that is sitting pretty behind this door, smile back on my face and explained again this time much slower so she will understand.

  "I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name but since trash seems too graceful of a title to be associated with you I won't call you anything, but I will let you know who I did call and that is the cops. So, I suggest you leave this property…ummm, let's see what's a small word that you would understand…" I held my index finger up to my lip and I stared into the sky as I acted like I was contemplating a word. "Quickly, yes, that's a small word." She took one more drag off her cigarette, threw it down on the cement of the entryway and bowed, yes actually bowed. "I'll be seeing you again" and turned to walk away but I heard under her breath "Cunt".

  "Lovely" I retorted as I shut the door and locked it. I stood there for a moment to make sure she definitely had left the property. I then reminded myself to start using the fucking peephole. I ended up in the study with Christmas music streaming through the speakers when I saw Mona come in. I playfully yelled at her to get out. She laughed and stuck her tongue out at me, and plopped down on the couch next to daddy's desk.

  I looked at her "Everything wrapped?"

  She smiled at me.

  "I take that as a yes."

  I threw another wrapped gift over in the pile that I had created from wrapping for almost an hour now. I had gone a little overboard this Christmas because of the babies. They weren't even here yet but I wasn't sure if I was going to have a baby shower so I took it upon myself to purchase what I thought we'd need and what I wanted. It was so much fun, seeing little outfits and picturing my babies in them. I also bought a two seated stroller where both the seats lay down. I was eager to put that thing to good use. I had no idea what Bear had bought or if he had bothered to buy anything at all. This was going on twenty-four hours since the last time I had seen him.

  "Any word?" It was as though she was reading my mind. I just shook my head. I was not wanting to leave my good mood just because of him being stupid, I know what he was doing, he was out at the bar; drinking. Here it was, Christmas Eve where he should be home with his family and pregnant wife and he was shooting his paycheck down his throat.

  I finished up the gifts I had left to wrap and I noticed I had some little stocking stuffers for the girls I needed to still get, so I asked Mona if she wanted to go out and get them with me. She agreed and we headed to the living room to grab our purses. As I went to put mine on my shoulder I was flipped around quickly, I grabbed onto Bear's shirt to gain my footing.

  "What the hell, Bear" I said attempting to get my eyes to catch up with my brain. Lowly he whispered for me to get in our room. He was pulling me by my shirt as he stomped to the bedroom.

  He stopped right inside the doorway slammed the door and locked it.

  "I heard you had a meeting with a friend of mine this morning."

  Oh god, did he really consider that skank a friend of his? That's nasty, how could he stand to be near her, the smell itself was revolting. I wasn't about to let him yell at me for telling her to leave.

  "Oh yeah, trash? I didn't catch her name before she called me a cunt, so I just named her trash since that what she smelled like". I said trying to hide my laughter.

  "Slappppp!" His mammoth hand came across my face so hard that it slammed me into the dresser. Losing my stability, I fell to the ground, having everything that rested on top of the dresser now in my lap.

  "Don't you ever call her trash Elleny, you got me? EVER!!! She is important to me."

  I thought what I heard him say was that that repugnant woman who smelled like she had every man in Atlanta blow his load on her meant something to him? And what was I… chopped liver?

  Standing up holding onto the dresser with one hand and the other on the side of my face, I turned my attention to the door that sounded like Mona was about to break down. I heard her asking me if everything was all right and if I didn't answer the door by the count of three she was calling the police.

  I yelled with a voice that was as shaky as my legs; "I'm fine Mona, just give me a sec, hun and then we'll go."

  I turned back to Bear and looked at him "She that important to you you'd give this up?" I grabbed my belly with both hands. "I've had enough of you and your flexible-matrimonial schedule and you promised never to raise a hand to me again, Bear. I am four months from giving birth and you're smacking me around like I'm a man in the boxing ring. Pack your shit and get out, I don't need none of it. I'm going out with Mona, you had better be gone by the time I get back."

  He strode two large steps and was right in front of me, the veins on the side of his head were throbbing. I could see he was beyond mad, he was fucking livid. He grabbed the back of my neck and pushed me down until I was on all fours. He stepped closer to me and put his boots right in front of my face and proceeded to push my head down until my face was crushed up against the top of his boot.

  "Lick my boots bitch, because that's where you deserve to be. You think you're all that better than her when you aint shit, other than my personal boot licker. Don't you fucking think you can order me in and out of this house. All you should be concentrating on is cooking my fucking meals and spreading those fat-ass legs when I can't seem to get pussy from a real woman. You ever threaten me again, you won't be able to walk for a month. You got me? Oh and next time my lady comes by to see me and you don't treat her like the queen she is? Well, let's just say, it won't be a good time for you. Now, let's put this in simple words for you, do-you-under-stand-ME… Cunt?"

  I felt like I had entered the Twilight Zone. I couldn't believe what I just heard. He called me the C-word. I was his wife and he called me the C-word. And he thought I was fat? I didn't know whether to cry or get up and hit him. I went to stand up when he continued on.

  "I asked you, Whore if you understood me? Now, just so we're clear, I guess I need to show you instead of talking to you."

  I saw his boot go back but it all happened so fast. I was under the impression he was going to walk away instead he brought his foot back up as hard as he could where it landed right at the top of my stomach. He kicked me so hard I left the ground for a few seconds. I couldn't breathe, I thought this was it. I thought I was dead. All I felt was pain all throughout my torso.

  As he went to walk out the door I heard him say with pure hatred on his tongue. "I can see now we're on the same page. Don't worry, I won't be home for a while."

  He opened the door and walked out as I laid there on the floor. I saw Mona run down to my side, screaming for someone to call 911. I closed my eyes and passed out.

  I woke up with my dad in front of me, stethoscope attached to his ears the other part attached to my stomach.

  "Everything sounds good but I want a scan done."

  I'd had enough of hospitals, I wasn't going to go back until I had these babies.

  "I'm not going to the hospital, daddy." I said softly.

  "Ellie, we need to make sure the babies are fine." He pleaded. I could feel them rolling around one on each side. They were flipping around everywhere. I know he could feel it too, his hand was still stuck to my abdomen.

  "And no cops, promise me, no cops. I refuse to become the talk of the town, daddy".

  "Absolutely not Elleny! He beat the hell out of you; I'm calling the cops." His voice grew stern and I knew he was as serious as a heart attack.

  I sat up straight, I think he broke some ribs or something because the pain was almost unbearable but I pushed through it.

  "I said no cops!" I yelled as loud as I could then I collapsed just as fast as I sat up.

  I heard my dad mumble under his breath "goddammit" and walked out of the room.

  I sat up from the couch and lowered my feet to the floor and gently worked myself up to standing. I walked a few feet then stopped looked back at all the eyes that were on me and just shrugged, turned around and went into the kitchen.
/>   After an early dinner, Mona and I decided we would go tend to the errands we needed to do earlier in the day, but we took it extra slow walking through the mall. I got what I needed and picked up a few things I didn't need but still got anyways.

  As I was walking. I continually felt like I was being watched, I turned my head from side to side to see if I recognized anyone, I was especially looking for that skank since she said that she'd see me again, I wondered if our encounter would come this soon.

  We made it home by seven and I decided that I wanted to take a long bath. I began walking out of the kitchen when I heard the phone ring. It rang again and again; then it stopped. I started again for the hallway when the phone rang again, this time I went to it. As it was going into its third ring I caught it.

  "Hello" I said with anger in my voice.

  Silence…

  I repeated myself "Hello"?

  Still nothing, so I hung up.

  I continued my way out of the kitchen when the phone started ringing again. Now I was angry. Most of our friends who would be calling know I'm pregnant with twins and how difficult it is for me to move quickly. So I stormed back to the phone.

  "Hello!" I yelled into the receiver.

  More silence. I started to have a feeling it was skank girl so just to make sure she didn't call back I informed her.

  "Look, if this is you, Skank; Bear's not here. I don't know where he went and he said he'd be gone for a while which in his terms means a week or two, so don't call back."

  I slammed the phone down and left the kitchen on the way to the bathroom. I ran my water hotter than normal, added bubbles and sunk down to where the only thing that you could see was my head.

  The phone didn't ring again.

  * * *

  "Wakey, Wakey!" I heard a quiet toned voice say next to my ear. I opened my eyes and there nose to nose with me was TJ. "It's Christmas mornin', darlin and have I got some presents for you". He said as he kissed my forehead. I reached up and wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled my face into his neck and just cried. I sobbed for so many reasons, but mostly because of how I left things the last time I saw him and how I had been lost without him. For the past months, I had searched high and low, looking for what I needed to help me get on with my life without him; but now, I couldn't even find the energy to look anymore. I was spent.