Personal Experiences

by Tracy Lee

  Wait a minute, what the fuck am I talking about, next time. This was not being repeated. Although women told me child birth hurt, this wasn't hurting. Maybe it only hurt with one baby; maybe with two, God felt so bad that you had to suffer double while being pregnant that he said that there would be no pain during the delivery. This was going to be awesome.

  "You want me to try and reach Bear?"

  I didn't have to answer that, my face said it all.

  I got to the hospital and was admitted right away and sent up to the labor and delivery ward, and got a bed. My feet were up and I could lay back and watch TV this was nothing. I rested for a bit then my dad came in with everything. He brought my bag, the babies' bags and the car seats. This was when it hit me, next time I leave this hospital, I will have my babies in my arms. I wanted to cry. I took a little bit of time to call Rachel and Lilly to let them know that I was in the hospital and that my water had broke they both wished me well and told me they loved me, then I just laid there and waited for the doctor.

  Laying there in that bed with my stomach protruding out so far I couldn't even see my feet lying down thoughts came to me, what if TJ was here would he stand beside me holding my hand? Would he kiss my head and encourage me to keep going? Tell me he loved me and that this was the happiest day of his life, other than the day of our wedding of course, as tears of happiness ran down his cheeks. Would he look at our babies and think that his heart would burst with the amount of love that he felt for us; his perfect little family? I couldn't help but feel that this was the day I was finally going to hold in the palms of my hands pure love. Our love in the form of a baby; two in fact. That's how deep our devotion to each other was, it could not, would not, be contained in one being. I threw my hands up against my face and just took a minute to revel in the meaning of what that meant to me. I was happy but yet I was overcome with deep sadness for our perfect life that was never going to happen.

  At that very moment I felt a twinge move from one side of my stomach to the other side as my whole abdominal section became as hard as a rock. The monitor I was attached to began beeping uncontrollably as out of nowhere nurses and doctors ran into my room and surrounded me and the machine.

  "I want a sonogram STAT!" I heard the voice of one doctor as Mona and daddy flew to my side.

  I was looking around so shocked at what was going on around me I couldn't even get out of my mouth what was the matter.

  "I heard another doctor demand, there's no time we need to section her immediately." I didn't know where to look anymore so I just grabbed my dad's hand and held on tight.

  Finally, one of them addressed me.

  "Mrs. Jackson, I'm doctor Duvall. I'm on staff here at the hospital, Dr. Leonard is on her way. Your babies seem to be in distress. Every time you have a contraction their heart rates go down. The way that they're dropping, I don't think we are going to have a chance for a natural birth. My recommendation is to do a caesarian section and let's get those babies out here so that you can enjoy both of them." My dad immediately told the doctor to do it. I just sat there staring, numb from what he just said to me.

  Let's get those babies out here so you can enjoy…both of them.

  "So… there's a chance… my babies will…" I couldn't even get the word out of my mouth. I had made it almost thirty-five weeks with these babies fighting each other who would get to jump on my bladder as if they were jumping on a bouncy bed and there was a chance that would be all I would get of one of them or even worse, both of them.

  "That's why I would like to get you prepped for surgery. Doctor Leonard would be here in time to deliver your babies for you but time is of the essence here, we need to move now if we're going to do this."

  There was no choice to be made.

  "Let's go"

  I laid there on that cold table, a piece of paper sheet at my breast line covering my lower half I couldn't turn anything other than my head and that was only a small amount to the sides. On one side of me was the anesthesiologist on the other side was Mona all dressed out in paper scrubs, her feet even covered in them. Mask on her face.

  "Look at me Sweetheart, you're doing good."

  I felt like I was in a dream, I couldn't feel my body from my chest down but yet I could feel tugging and pressure. "I can't feel myself breathe, am I alright? How bout the babies? How are they?"

  The doctor beside me comforted me "You're breathing fine, that sometimes can be side effect, everything is stable on you, you're doing awesome, Elle."

  I heard doctor Leonard's voice "Now Elle, you're going to feel lots of pressure, that's just me going in to grab ahold of baby number one ok?"

  I answer back a soft but anxious "K."

  I could feel exactly what she was talking about. I don't think I could describe it other than it felt like someone was pulling out my insides. All the sudden I heard the best sound I could ever hear in the world, a baby screaming then I heard the second best thing in the world.

  "It's a boy!!"

  Ah…I felt so much emotion I couldn't help but bawl and blubber. Then again with the pressure that brought me back to reality. Then again screaming, not as loud but still a shrieking cry.

  "It's a little girl!!"

  I began blubbering again. My babies were here. They were both crying and breathing. I was overjoyed. They took both of them over to warmers and began doing what they needed to be done. Weights were taken; hands and feet were stamped with black ink. Mona had met the nurses over at the warmers and was taking shitloads of pictures so that I could see what all they did.

  A minute later she came up beside me and kissed my forehead, tears running down her face she got down next to me and said quietly so it was just me and her "They're beautiful Sugar, they look just like their daddy." That's when I closed my eyes and lost it completely. My prayers came true. I could look in my children's faces and see the twinkle of their daddy in them. Finally, when everything was done they wrapped them up and brought them to me. I was still strapped down to the table and I could feel the doctor was still doing things over behind the paper wall, but I couldn't see but it didn't matter all three of us were alive and well.

  * * *

  I remember being rolled back to the recovery room but that was it. I must've fell asleep because when I woke up I was back in my room and I was in tremendous pain.

  "Ohhhhhhhh."

  "Hey baby, you're awake…you hurtin that bad?" I saw my dad come up beside me and lay his hand against my forehead.

  "Oh shit daddy, this hurts."

  "Well yeah honey, you had major surgery, it's not like you went for a weekend to the spa."

  I tried to laugh but that made it hurt even worse so I stopped. He reached around me for the button to call the nurse and I heard her voice as she walked in the room.

  "Hey Lydia, can we get some pain meds for the new momma."

  "Sure Doctor, I will get her something. Can she sit up and maybe drink some fluids?"

  I heard my dad chuckle and I knew that chuckle, I was going to be sitting up and drinking fluids here within the next ten minutes or so.

  "She'll be cooperating here momentarily."

  Yep, I knew it.

  "My babies, can I see my babies?"

  My daddy looked at me and said "let's talk when Lydia leaves."

  I saw her walk out the door and I began to panic.

  "What's the matter dad, what's wrong with the babies?"

  "Oh nothing's wrong, they're good."

  I let out my breath that I was holding.

  "They just have to watch them for a couple of hours to make sure they're breathing regulates, they seemed to be having a little difficulty with that, the pediatrician says that's completely normal with premature babies."

  I took another breath and let it out again. I didn't think I could take much more of this. They weren't even a day old and I was already worrying like they were starting their first day of school.

  "I wanna see my babies, daddy."

  He look
ed at me and said "you sit up and drink some fluids and I'll see what I can do."

  Yep, I was going to be cooperating momentarily.

  It took me a minute to get my feet on the floor but I was set on seeing my babies.

  I grabbed a hold of my dad's arm and put on my weight on him and smiled big when I realized I was standing. Mission accomplished! Now to take a step, to me this wasn't just a step; it was a leap I had to tell my foot pick up, move out, set down, BAM!!! Took a step. Then I did it again with the other foot. I was on a roll. We slowly made it down to the NICU and rang the bell that was on the beside the door. The nurse saw my dad and smiled. I saw the door open and a nice older woman greeted us with a warm smile.

  "Are you here to take your pick?" She joked.

  "Yep, we only take the cutest of them all" My dad replied as he winked at her.

  We followed her through rows and rows of isolets and baby warmers, some open with stuffed animals and blankets in them and some were closed. Some incubators had holes in the sides of them where you could stick your hands through and have minimal contact with the baby others were completely closed and the only opening was a tiny hole to allow tubing and lines for monitors through.

  We continued walking until we came to a larger open warmer where two babies were lying beside each other. One was wearing a tiny blue knit beany cap; the other was wearing a pink one. They both were naked other than their diapers and those looked so small but yet they were swallowing them up. They were lying so still, sleeping. I could see the sticky pads that were affixed to their tiny protruding bellies. Attached were the lines of wires that connected them to their individual monitors. once every couple seconds I'd see an arm or a leg jump involuntarily. They were so beautiful, they were angels sent to me straight from the God's cradled arms. I couldn't see them anymore from my eyes clouding over with tears.

  I couldn't even fathom the emotions I was feeling. I had just laid eyes upon both of these babies yet I was so deep in love with them I felt possessed. My life had died the moment they were pulled out of me and now my life was theirs. There wasn't anything in this world I wouldn't do for them. It was almost terrifying that I could feel this deep for someone or some ones other than TJ, but I did and that was not going to change.

  I continued to just stand there, staring at them in disbelief that these little clones of TJ were real when the nurse's request made my head flash up at her.

  "Would you like to hold them?"

  "Oh god, I can hold them? They look like they'll break" I nervously asked.

  "Why of course you can hold them, you're their momma, you've been their home for nearly a year wouldn't you feel comfortable being close to that?"

  Well, she kinda had a point.

  She led me to a large rocking chair where I sank very slowly unto the thin padding that covered the wood seat. I saw her lift the little girl out of the warmer while saying "it's always ladies first" I smiled at her and cradled my arm where she place my daughter. I wanted to cry but I didn't think I could anymore. I just stared at her. I unconsciously brought her head up to my lips and smelled her skin while I place a soft tender kiss upon her brow. She squirmed for a moment and then settled back in my arm. I began to talk to her.

  "Hello my sweet angel, I'm your momma. I've been waiting for you for such a long time. You are cherished already by so many, you have no idea what you have walked into."

  My dad silently laughed as the nurse went to go bring me my son. She reached in and he bowed his back as if it was his first stretch.

  "That's it young man, stretch those legs" she commented to him.

  She laid my little man in the other crook of my arm and I gently held him close to my breast. I pulled him up to my mouth as well and laid a kiss upon his brow as I smelled his baby smell exude from his newly made pores.

  "My sweet lil man, how I have prayed that you will thrive to become the man that is your father, beside your daddy, you are the only other man who holds my heart."

  I totally understood where my daddy was coming from when he told me my mom had half his heart and I owned the other half. I didn't think it was possible to have two babies and love them both with the same amount of never-ending always overflowing love. I didn't want to let them go; ever.

  I sat there for hours, just holding them. The nurse asked me if I wanted to feed them, I answered yes. I wanted to attempt breast feeding but I wasn't sure how I would do. Now that they were born it all seemed so visceral. I just knew how to do it and when. The nurse took my son back to the warmer while I pulled the side of my gown down to lay in my lap. I gathered my daughter in my arm and pulled her to my breast. She attached herself instinctively. I warmed her body with my heat and just sat in awe at the intimate moment I was sharing with my daughter. I sat and spoke to her and soothed her, even though she couldn't understand, I knew I was communicating with her.

  I did the same with my son and relished every second I had him in my arms. He was his father's son. He laid still against my breast as I stroked his skin and lulled him while he drew in the nutrients that only my body was capable of giving him.

  I noticed that the change of nurses was happening and that I was exhausted so I asked my dad to help me back to my room. I thanked the nurses and hugged the nurse who had given me the opportunity to have this once in a lifetime experience with my children.

  I walked back to my room just as I walked down to the NICU sat back down on the corner of my bed, pulled my legs up on the bed and closed my eyes.

  I woke to the sound of crying babies I opened my eyes and barely saw a woman standing in front of me since the muted light above my bed was on. "I've got two hungry babies here, Mrs. Jackson. Are you wanting to feed your babies?" My eyes open wide and I make myself wake up. "Yes please." I yawned. I slowly raised my body up to a sitting position while I wait for the bed to catch up with my movements.

  She handed me my little girl and I opened my gown and put her up to me. This time she began sucking harder, she was starving. "When do you think they will be able to come stay with me in my room?" I asked in a hopeful tone. "The pediatrician will be in in the morning to check them out and then come in to talk to you." As she's talking. I'm noticing my belly is cramping. I winced. "Are you still in a lot of pain?" I shake my head "No, it's more like a harsh cramp." She reassured me that that was normal and I was welcome to something to help with the pain, since I was nursing I decided to just say no.

  I finished with my little girl and handed her back to the nurse. She instantly fell asleep. She handed me my son and he proceeded to follow in line with his sister.

  "Do you have names for your babies? The woman who is in charge of sending off for their birth certificates will be in tomorrow and it would be good if you had names picked out."

  Holy shit, I hadn't even thought about that. I had an idea of what I was looking for but I didn't have anything definite.

  "I have… ideas, but I guess I'll need to come up with something then. For the little girl, I was thinking Tatum and for the little boy I was thinking Dylan."

  "Those are beautiful names Mrs. Jackson. I think they both fit."

  "Please, call me Elle. Mrs. Jackson is a name that doesn't fit me."

  She shook her head in acknowledgement and took the baby out of my arms and placed him back in the walking crib.

  I laid my bed back down and turned gently to my side and just thought. My eyes soon became heavy and I was on my way back to sleep.

  "Wakey, Wakey, Babe." I opened my eyes and TJ was sitting in the chair next to my bed holding my hand. "They look exactly like their momma, they take my breath away." I smiled at him. "What are their names?" I looked at him and told him the names I had picked for our children. "I wanted to name our son the name you picked out our senior year of high school, Dylan Lucas. For our daughter I was thinking Tatum Jordan". He looked at me with a grim look on his face. "Honey, she doesn't look like a Tatum, but she does resemble a Jordan" I looked at him and raised my eyebrows. "I've got it!"
I announced her name to him and he smiled at me, that beautiful smile and kissed me goodnight.

  I awoke with a knock on the door. A very petite older woman stuck her head in "Good Morning, Mrs. Jackson?" I sat up straight, the babies were brought to me early this morning and I was still holding my little girl in my arms while my son laid in his walking crib sleeping with a full tummy.

  "Elle, please; call me Elle."

  "Very well, Elle. My name is Betty, I'm from the vital statistics department here in the hospital; I'm here to fill out the forms for your babies' birth certificates."

  I smiled at her; "Great, I'm ready."

  We started with my son, she asked me several questions, my name, my physical address, my mom's maiden name, my maiden name, the baby's father's name. I hesitated for a moment and told her I didn't want it listed. She nodded once and continued on. She finally got down to the baby's name and I replied his name. "Dylan Lucas Jackson." She smiled and complimented me on such a handsome name I had picked. I didn't tell her that his daddy came to me last night in a dream and helped me decide permanently on their names. They'd never let me leave this hospital.

  We finished with Lucas' information and went on to my daughter's info. She repeated the same questions, I answered the same answers. She got down to the baby's father's name and I repeated the same answer I gave her on Lucas. She got down to her name and I announced her name for the first time out loud. "Jordan Taylor Jackson." I wanted something that pertained to TJ but she just didn't seem like a Tatum so I reversed the initials and we; me and dream-state TJ; yeah, I know I've lost my mind, I blame the hormones… still were ecstatic with it.

  We finished up the interview and then the pediatrician came in. We discussed the health of the babies. He was pleased as pie they were eating so well and that they had taken to nursing so quickly. He wanted to keep the babies in the NICU one more night just to make sure and since I was leaving in two days that would give me a little more time to rest since, when I went home, I'd basically be on my own. He asked me if I had any questions for him, I shook my head and thanked him for coming in to speak with me. He was gone for about ten minutes when doctor Leonard came in to check on my rehabilitation. She pushed on my belly, looked at my chart we talked about the babies, again. She asked me if I had any questions for her, I shook my head, thanked her and she left.