by Barbara Pym
And so I began to hope – and what a lot of misery was this evening responsible for. But it was wonderful while it lasted.
14. May. Rupert came to see me in the morning but I couldn’t possibly kiss him – because the last mouth to touch mine had been Lorenzo’s.
17 May. Lorenzo came into the Bod. in the morning – wearing a dark green shirt and tie – he walked in very artificially, preoccupied and reading a book. He actually came and spoke to me and showed me two books he’d bought, one the saga of Hrolf Kraki and the other a humorous book in Latin with some funny pictures that he said were like me.
24 May. Got ready for the Keble concert to which we (Sharp and I) were going. I wore my black frock – too charmingly decolleté back and front plus the Pym pearls and my fur coat. Keble quad was covered with striped awnings etc., and there was a red carpet all the way up the steps into the hall. Harlovin and Frank seemed rather bored by the actual concert! Frank said that rooms in Keble are like a very small grave – the kind you get when you’re buried at the public expense! After the concert we had refreshments sitting at a table on the grass in the quad – not in the marquee, where most of the unselect went. Then we passed on to Davies’ rooms which are in Museum Rd. The party consisted of Davies – very chirpy and getting gradually more and more intoxicated – a girl called Angela Camus who sat at the table – silent and sullen (apparently she’d had 5 glasses of sherry). Unfortunately we only had time to swallow a hasty glass of sherry – and as it was we were in St Hilda’s a few minutes after 12, but luckily it was the nice porter.
27 May. This day I went to Cheltenham with Harlovin and Harding. It was very wet – so we all squashed in the front. Harding continues to be very funny and Harlovin was as sweet and charming as ever. They teased me a lot about my appalling reputation! Poor Sandra!
June. About this time we had a terrific heatwave. We sunbathed in the meadows in our gingham sunbathing frocks. Lorenzo lay low – one imagined him walking about naked in the garden of 252 (if it has one).
6 June. Went on the river in the afternoon. Got to know Leslie Fearnehough (Queen’s) and Michael Rabone (Univ.) because we wanted to borrow a match. I hope they didn’t think we were deliberately trying to make a pick up – really I do some unfortunate things but how can you smoke a cigarette without a match? Almost before we’d been in conversation 10 minutes Leslie asked us if we’d go and have tea with them at the Air Squadron. We were amazed – there was something so naif about it! Leslie came for us in his Austin 7 – and we drove to the Air Squadron at breakneck speed. We had tea in rickety canvas chairs under a huge umbrella that needed a lot of adjusting. Leslie seemed to take a fancy to me and suggested that we should go for a ride in his car – ostensibly to fetch a waistcoast that he’d left at a pub in Berkshire. So we went. Finally we arrived at East Leach, a very pretty little place. We wandered about, having found that the people he knew there were out – and looked at some racing stables – lovely horses. We then drank some beer – and I had some port which I didn’t much like. The people at the inn could only give us a very frugal supper – and kept on suggesting that we should go to Lechlade, where we could apparently get anything!
7 June. Wrote a good-luck letter to Lorenzo. Quite prosaic and hearty – but oh – what wouldn’t I have liked to say – still I knew it would be a mistake. Nor did I want Jockie and Barnicot to know any more about the state of my heart!
8 June. Lorenzo’s schools began – and I suppose other people’s too. I felt sick with apprehension for him. I carefully avoided passing the Schools at 9.30 or at 12.30 and spent the morning in the Bod.
9 June. Today I couldn’t resist the lure of the Schools and came out of the Bod. at about 12.15. I met Rupert in the High – so I had an excuse for lingering by Schools. We stood by the Drawda Hall Bookshop and talked. Out poured the masses of people, and at last Lorenzo in his striped suit plus white shirt and tie. I said ‘Have you enjoyed yourself?’ He grinned rather fatuously and waved his square at me and went up the High and turned up Carte St. Rupert thought he was quite beautiful and merely weak looking – not vicious! Then I saw Leslie and lunched with him at the Air Squadron. Coming back to St Hilda’s at a little before 2 – I saw YR by Magdalen College School – coming from the direction of the Iffley Rd. Lorenzo was driving it, and Jockie sitting by him looking prim and proper but v. sweet. I waved and Lorenzo grinned, we all turned round, including Jockie. Then back to St Hilda’s where I was deliriously happy. We put on the gramophone and I danced all over my room – but when we put on ‘Lazy Pete’, I was struck with the fact that Lorenzo was going down, and that I probably wouldn’t see him any more. That tune will always have sad memories – in spite of its general flower-show atmosphere.
17 July. London [staying with Selways at Hatch End]. Visited several shops – Selfridges where we had lunch at an exciting new snack bar with high red leather and chromium plated stools. We ate huge toast sandwiches and drank iced coffee. We had tea at D. H. Evans. I bought some scarlet rouge and lipstick and some scent – also a brown spotted silk scarf.
22 July. Today we went to Stratford-on-Avon to see Romeo and Juliet. Of course I’d seen the theatre before – last September – but I still think it’s marvellous. Romeo (John Wyse) was awfully like Lorenzo sometimes. It was all terribly tragic – both Romeo and Juliet were intensely passionate, especially Romeo. ‘Thinkest thou we shall ever meet again?’ I couldn’t help applying these lines to another case. But my answer was not so sure as Romeo’s!
23 July. On the river in the morning – Sandra punting. I enjoyed it very much – and had a bottle of ginger beer and an ice cream cornet to refresh me in my labours. The river is very pretty in parts and sometimes very much like the ‘upper reaches of the Cherwell’. After lunch Uncle J. dragged us off sightseeing. It was very hot, but I’d put on a cool frock so didn’t mind that unduly. But high heels weren’t comfortable for walking and I got one or two blisters before we’d finished. However we kept our tempers wonderfully. We caught the 6.25 train home and had dinner on it. I was very happy and hilarious, cracking many jokes.
25 July. London. Another very hot day. Went to the flicks: Constance Bennett in Our Betters was very good. At about 3.30 we came out and went to the SF snack bar, where we had iced coffee and sandwiches, very good, cucumber and cheese – banana and jam.
27 July. Oswestry. I was very ‘glad to be back’. I unpacked and made my room tidy. Hilary swapped her yellow bathing costume for my navy blue one – a very satisfactory transaction – it looks lovely with my sunburn.
28 July. Went in the town and bought a Times. My very dearest Lorenzo got a Second – not too bad – I hope he was satisfied with it. In the evening I finished Point Counter Point. It’s quite cheering to remember that at 16 I thought it disjointed, muddled and boring, this time I loved it – although most of the talk was above my head. He still remains far and away the most interesting modern novelist in my opinion. But I don’t really enjoy any of his novels as much as Those Barren Leaves.
29 July. I worked at Old English for about 1½ hours after breakfast – Wulfstan’s address to the English. Really it gave me the pip. After lunch I started to make a summer frock (deep orangey-pink and white check gingham – 5¾d. a yard!) I think it should be rather nice.
31 July. After lunch I took some Yeastvite tablets and continued to take them after tea and supper. A slightly unromantic way of curing lovesickness I admit, but certainly I feel a lot better now. (Hilary is playing ‘Stormy Weather’ incessantly – my theme song I think!) After lunch I read Richard Aldington’s new book, All Men are Enemies – it was rather interesting but intensely depressing. After tea I turned to Burton’s Anatomy of Melancholy and began to read about Love Melancholy – but I haven’t yet got to the part where he deals with the cure. Perhaps I’m suffering from the spleen too – in that case I may be completely cured by taking a course of our English poets – which all points to drowning my sorrows in work. I think I shall try to develop a ‘Whateve
r is, is right’ attitude of mind – and quite honestly I suppose all this is rather good for me – and an affair with Lorenzo probably wouldn’t be!
1 August. In the afternoon Hilary went to tennis at the Blakes – I wasn’t asked thank heaven! I dislike tennis parties – here anyway. Too much small talk with people who are generally bores – sometimes one even dislikes them!
At 8, Mrs Wakelam and Maud came to play bridge. I sat in an armchair like a docile donkey and knitted my dark green jumper. I also ate a lot of sandwiches.
27 August. I was reading the diaries I kept when I was 15 and 18, and profoundly depressed by them – I’m glad time goes on. But I mustn’t forget ‘Soir de Paris’ perfume reminds me of John Mott – that ‘Pêche Marie Rose’ was the nicest sweet we ever had – and I shall never be able to smell the fascinatingly sweet smell of Cyclax Special Lotion without being carried back to last term and the Lorenzo atmosphere. As I write this I have a Boncilla beauty mask on my face – tightening my skin – nice if uncomfortable feeling.
4 September. Reading Gertrude Trevelyan’s novel Hothouse. I desperately want to write an Oxford novel – but I must see first that my emotions are simmered down fairly well.
9 September. Reading Acorned Hog. Shamus Frazer is immensely entertaining – he and I might have a little in common I feel. No need for modesty in a diary. Now I want to write something more fantastic about a girl called Gabriella.
Tokalon Biocel Skinfood is just lumps of lard, scented and coloured pink.
10 September. After Oxford I think I must try and get a job abroad, even if the prospect is rather frightening. After all the excitement of life needn’t end when I go down – it’s ridiculous to think of all the thrill being finished when I’m only just twenty-one.
15 September. More work. At lunchtime while I was eating my ham, chicken roll and HP sauce, a band on the wireless was playing the waltz ‘But for You’ from the Lilian Harvey film. The passion came over me in a wave ‘accompanied with an inward sense of melting and langour’. Read More Women than Men by I. Compton-Burnett and saw no point in it – unreal people and not much of a story. Spent the evening variously. I had to decide between giving my face a steam beauty bath and doing ‘Beowulf’. I chose the former, and I think the result justified my choice. After a baked-beans supper I embroidered my red satin blouse and did some knitting.
19 September. Tried to think out an essay on the Puritanism of Spenser and Milton in the morning. Had my hair cut very short and puck-like in the afternoon, and washed it – it looks suspiciously golden.
21 September. Hilary went back to school. We went to Hamilton Square in the car and by train to Central. An exquisite lunch at Bon Marché, after which we went to Huyton with her. Then we did some shopping. I bought a black macintosh – some brown suede shoes and a chaste green linen bedspread. I withstood the temptation to waste money on odds and ends. The place is quiet without Hilary.
26 September. What funny things one does – I finish an essay on ‘The Puritanism of Spenser and Milton’ and then dash off to the Regal with Dor to see 42nd Street which was good – all legs and music.
1 October. Oxford. The 1st day in Oxford and pretty dull – nothing but meals, wandering and lying about wishing for something exciting to happen. A cup of tea at the Town and Gown – Horlicks and sandwiches at Stewart’s – then a quiet evening – except that I spilt a lot of ink on the carpet. I must fall for someone – so as I can forget Lorenzo – and at present I’m pretty bad.
3 October, this morning lunched off steak and kidney pie at Kemp Hall cafeteria. Jockie Liddell came in, wearing a grey suit and navy blue overcoat. He gave me a poisonous look, but I didn’t mind. Then at about 2 o’clock I was walking to St Hilda’s and on Magdalen Bridge I saw Barnicot with an amazing woman – twice as big as him, with a red eton crop – hearty and not ravishing.
After a solitary tea in the Super, where the band played ‘Young and Healthy’, I went to see The Kid from Spain with funny Eddie Cantor and its marvellous tunes. I wish there’d been more of those.
4 October. In the afternoon I walked a little and changed some gloves at Webber’s – a 3/11½ pair for an 8/ 11! In the afternoon Harry Harker came and I had tea with him in Elliston’s. We then went to the Bijou wine lounge and I had sherry while he had a Green Goddess – and lots of salted nuts. Feeling thus elated we wandered to St Hilda’s – just between the public lavatory and the Cape of Good Hope we saw Barnicot. I smiled brilliantly but he took no notice – is he afraid, ashamed, or merely short sighted?
5 October. Worked in the morning and had coffee with Harry at Elliston’s. I ordered a copy of Ernest Dowson’s poems in Bodleiana and spent some time in finding appropriate lines and poems. I’m beginning to enjoy my pose of romantically unrequited love. Jockie was in Kemp Hall. I had no tea, and supper in Kemp Hall with Rosemary. Afterwards we went along with Laurence to his digs – 7 Long Wall – and had a lovely time, drinking beer and eating nuts. L. is charming and wore a delightful black hat when he took us home.
6 October. I’m terribly enamoured of my new room, and have it most artistic and aesthetic. Chaste green cover for my bed – check cushions – beautiful pictures – books and bookends – bronze golden chrysanthemums on the table in the window alcove. I hear Magdalen and Merton clocks all the time.
7 October. Went to get some visiting cards printed at Emberlin’s. In burst Rosemary with the news that they’d seen Lorenzo – I was terribly excited and couldn’t eat any tea, although it was nice hearty buns which I usually enjoy. After tea I prepared to go over to Blackwell’s to buy some Shakespeare books – and to find him. I was wearing my grey flannel costume, black polo jersey and no hat. I had an orange marigold stuck in the collar of my jersey. I was coming away from Blackwell’s for the 2nd time when I met Lorenzo and Jockie. There was no escape – we walked towards each other and met about by Trinity. He took off his hat and gave me a marvelous smile – a slightly mocking bow I thought – but it’s difficult to tell with him. I was horribly nervous and grinned I imagine. He was wearing grey bags and the familiar tweed coat. Then I wandered some more until I came upon them by Elliston’s but they didn’t see me. I tracked them down St Michael’s Street but I couldn’t follow because it was so deserted.
8 October. Worked for about 2 hours in the morning, and did a few odd jobs such as writing home and trimming my eyebrows. After lunch we put on the gramophone and I gave my nails a careful manicure and varnished them a becoming shade of rose pink. At 4 o’clock I went to have tea with Harry at Stewart’s – it was hot and full of people. I kept having visions of Lorenzo and they played ‘Isn’t it Heavenly’.
10 October. An amusing lecture in the morning – Professor Tolkien on Beowulf. I bought at Boots some Amami Henna application – but doubt whether I shall have the nerve to use it strongly!
11 October. Having renounced Lorenzo I’m trying to find someone else, but so far no one has specially taken my fancy. In the afternoon I put some henna on my hair – only a little, but it made it quite a nice colour. Next time I must be bolder! JCR meeting – I wore my scarlet satin Russian blouse over a black frock – and had my hair straight, with the short piece hanging down almost into my eyes.
12 October. At the Bodleian – all morning. Barnicot came in – his hair a nice golden corn colour. We stared at each other for a long time. Jockie also came looking rather dissipated – I am intrigued by the way in which he lifts one comer of his mouth in a disdainful sneer. I spent quite a lot of time looking thro’ the stained-glass windows by the Dictionary to see if I could see Lorenzo – but it was not to be. The trouble is that although I’ve renounced him I still love him – or I suppose it’s love. Miss Rooke’s class at 5.30. I showed neither intelligence nor knowledge.
14 October. What happened in Elliston’s this afternoon ought to amuse anybody. I was there with Harry, and it was very full. At about 4.45 Lorenzo came in plus another man and sat down quite close to us. He and I were almost opposite each other. He
began the conversation by asking me why I imitated his black macintosh. I replied, ‘Why, because I think it’s so charming’. All the time I answered him in his own vein, although I was feeling somewhat trembly. I don’t know what Harry must’ve thought. Lorenzo was singularly amusing if a little rude – it appears he is staying up to read a B. Litt. He looked very attractive. His skin deliriously smooth and creamy brown – his hair and eyes so nice too.
16 October. Lorenzo was in the English Reading Room in the afternoon – wearing a pale blue shirt, and looking very sweet. He says he’s doing Palaeography – I didn’t know what it was!
17 October. At the Bodleian in the morning I saw Jockie and liked him immensely – funny how I alternate in my feelings for him. He was wearing a dark brown suit which fitted him beautifully – he has a very nicely proportioned little figure – but what I liked was that when he was sharpening his pencil and I was reading in the Encyclopaedia – I happened to look up and see that he was nearly laughing and he looked so sweet. I wish he and I could be friends. I didn’t see Lorenzo – except in the High at about 12, and he gave no sign of recognition.