I gasped and heard Sean’s voice in the distance right before the ice beneath me split open to swallow me.
Chapter 30
I couldn’t breathe. I tried to stay calm, to hold my breath, but it was hard not to thrash around in the icy water as my head became frozen solid. I tried to kick to the surface but my parka and the long skirt dragged me down. I was going to die in the dark, in the lake, because I was an idiot. I kicked harder, forcing my mind to focus, to hold onto my breath. I couldn’t do it. I was going to die. The panic was so close to eating away my control, the scream that battled in my throat as my chest constricted from the cold, feeling like the breath in my lungs had frozen solid.
Something grabbed me under the arms in the dark death water then carried me up while I hung onto my not breathing. We exploded out into the night in a shower of ice close to the shore. I gasped in breaths, knowing that Sean must have rescued me, but then why was there a light bobbing towards me, and why was there hissing in my ears while something touched my cheek that burned, like a strand of fire?
I whimpered as I heard, “Gen?” from far away.
The monster shoved me across the ice, the surface scraping my hands and face until I came to a rest against the bank. I couldn’t move, could barely shiver as Sean reached me. He pulled me up, off the ice and onto the snowy shore, touching my face, pushing my hair out of my eyes. I flinched when his thumb brushed the burn. I struggled to move, but my body felt so heavy, dragging me down and down back into the darkness, but at least this time there was air.
Things were fuzzy after that. I remembered Sean dragging me to my feet, making me move then carrying me to the car when I couldn’t respond. He put me in then shoved my seat back so that when he climbed on top of me we’d both fit. He reached over to turn on the car, cranking up the heat before he stripped me out of my clothes.
I protested, but with limbs of ice, I had a hard time being assertive. I sat there, shivering in my underwear while he rubbed me down then wrapped me in his coat.
“Do you own any other underwear besides neon?” he demanded, sounding furious.
I shivered. He finally slid behind the wheel and peeled out, driving while he chewed on the inside of his cheek. Wow. I had no idea my underwear could disturb him so much.
“I n-n-never asked you to take off-f-f-f my clothes,” I managed through chattering teeth.
“I’m sorry,” he said, taking his hand off the stick shift to cover my knee. “Your love of pink and orange neon is fine. Don’t listen to me. I thought I could handle it. I didn’t think…” He tightened his jaw and I wondered if he was going to crack his teeth. “This one is all on me.”
I was going to argue, but the shivering wasn’t as bad, not when the numbness in my limbs was spreading through the rest of my body. Maybe that was a bad thing, maybe it would kill me, but I didn’t seem to mind the idea of death very much, I mean, it was either die or gain feeling in my body, and that would hurt and I’d wish I were dead.
His parka was nice, soft and fluffy, the kind you wore on Arctic missions. I leaned against the door, thinking a few seconds of sleep wouldn’t hurt, but then Sean pulled my face over, like it wasn’t attached to my body, and scowled at me, so close I thought that maybe he lost his mind and was about to kiss me, but then he was driving, but with his hand against my neck so my head was against his shoulder instead of the door.
“Why would the monster save you?”
His voice came from inside of his chest where I could feel it through my forehead.
Why did the monster save me? It had burned me, but it hadn’t seemed intentional.
“Doesn’t like littering? My head hurts,” I mumbled against his shirt.
He smelled good. Like wind and ice, and maybe a little bit like salt. I put my arms around his neck, sliding my face against his warm skin. It almost hurt to feel so much warmth against my non bloody cheek.
“All of you is going to hurt soon enough,” he said as he pulled me onto his lap so that his arms could wrap around me as he drove.
It wasn’t much longer before he pulled up to his house, waiting for the garage door to open before gunning the car up the drive. I shook my head, no way I was going to run into his father in my underwear, but I was hardly in fighting condition.
“Your dad…”
“He’s gone away for the rest of the weekend to work. He’s usually at work. No one’s here except us.” He already had me in his arms, so it wasn’t much for him to carry me inside, hurrying, and then through a hall, up the stairs and into his bedroom, where I’d first discovered his gills. He flipped a switch and his bed folded up into the wall, revealing a tank full of dark water beneath it. He jumped in, carrying me down into the dark, warm, wet.
I was seriously sick of black water. I flailed then stopped because my arms weren’t working right, and I was just going to die, but the water was really warm, so it would be drowning instead of freezing. Sean unzipped the parka underwater, giving me space to freak out, but with his hands on my skin, pushing me up so that my head broke the surface, I didn’t need to panic. At least, not much.
His head came up a moment later, his eyes darker than usual while he held me up, pinned against the wall of the tank. I wasn’t sure what to do, to think, what to freak out about first.
“You’re going to be fine,” he said, leaning his forehead against mine.
I made a seriously pathetic sound like a mewling kitten.
“I’m trying to warm you up slowly, keep you from going into shock.” So, that was why his whole body pressed against mine. At least he had clothes on. I didn’t, unless you counted neon underwear.
“Sean…” What to say? Where to begin? “You have a waterbed.”
He laughed, the sound vibrating through his forehead into mine. “If you had gills you could see my real room. I read by phosphorescence.”
“Doesn’t it ruin your books?”
“There are different kinds of books.” His eyes were really close to mine, okay, all of him was really close to me.
“Oh. So, your books have gills too?” That had to be the stupidest thing ever. “Nevermind. I’m sorry about the lake. Thanks for coming. I would be a solid block of ice if you hadn’t been such a jerk.”
“You’re welcome. Being a jerk—it’s what I do.”
My thanks hadn’t come out right, but I was still shivering.
“I didn’t mean it that way.”
I couldn’t think straight, either from the shivering or the nearly naked with Sean pressing his whole body against mine while his forehead still rested on mine, like he was keeping me from facing it into his ‘bed’. His mouth was too close, so close that I couldn’t see it; I could just feel his breath on my lips.
“I meant, thanks for…”
“What happened?”
I stared into his eyes, watching them narrow as he waited for me to answer. “I fell through the ice.”
“The ice split,” he corrected, like there was a difference. “Like it wanted to eat you.”
“Do we really have to give personality to a body of water? The whole thing’s creepy enough as it is.”
“As it is, I was sure the ice was thick enough to hold you. Maybe the monster broke through, but…” He shook his head, no, which felt really weird against my skull. He should probably have backed off a little, but then, I had no idea how deep his ‘bed’ was, or if my limbs were capable of enough movement to keep me afloat on my own. Still, it was weird.
“But if it broke the ice, why did it bother to save me. It did save me, right? That’s why my face hurts? The monster burned me while it was dragging me out of the lake?”
He nodded. He had to stop doing stuff like that when the movement brushed his nose against mine. Not that it meant anything, but it was so weird.
As feeling came into my body the weirdness escalated. I could feel the muscles under his t-shirt pressing against me. I felt soft, squishy all over compared to him. I really should have worked out more so that
I could be a sleek athlete that matched him instead of whatever I was. What was I? Besides mostly naked. Maybe if I was less squishy the lake wouldn’t want to eat me.
“Why does the lake want to eat me?”
“Why did the monster save you?”
“Why is your forehead still against mine?”
Silence, then he smiled a slow smile I’d never seen before. It was almost warm and made his eyes crinkle around the corners.
“I hadn’t noticed.”
“Really?”
That was depressing, but the depression didn’t really hit as I stared at those crinkles. It was hardly fair that Sean could be even more… anyway. No point in going there. Maybe it wouldn’t have mattered how toned my abs were, maybe he only noticed gills. Why did I care? It wasn’t like he wasn’t a complete jerk, albeit one who saved my life.
“No more than I notice anything else about you.” What was that supposed to mean? “We could probably get you out now. You’re not shaking so hard anymore.”
“I’m not?”
“Are you ready?”
I opened my mouth to say, for what, but then he pushed me up, his hands on my bare thighs until I sat perched on the edge of the tank with only my ankles and feet in the water. I fell over backwards onto the floor as soon as he let go of me. I stared up at his ceiling feeling particularly graceful while Sean made that sound, the coughing snorting thing that he’d call laughter. It wasn’t attractive, except in its unattractiveness, which wasn’t fair. Nothing was fair, not when I had my feet in the air while I flailed about, trying to get off the floor, but still not quite capable of making my body respond the way it should. Ugh.
I watched him roll over the edge to land beside me dripping, while his grin was still that crinkle causing thing. My heart pounded while he pulled me up, arm wrapped around me while the bed descended, cutting off the darkness of the tank.
He ran a towel over me then pushed me back into the bed, beneath the blue duvet.
“Why does your blanket match your eyes?” Why did I have to ask such stupid questions?
He blinked at me then shook his head. “I don’t know. Does it? I’m going to get you something hot to drink. Chocolate?”
“Don’t like chocolate,” I said, snuggling deeper into the blanket. My wet underwear was getting cold and uncomfortable. “If I take off my underwear will you make sure the blanket stays on me?”
He frowned. “Right.”
He took off his dripping shirt then moved onto his pants, putting them into a hamper built into the wall while I stared at the near nudity of him.
“Give me them,” he said, holding out his hand.
Like I was going to give him my wet underwear.
“You do want your clothes dry when you put them back on, right?”
I blinked at him.
“You’re not really up to doing your own laundry.”
Still, didn’t move. He shrugged while I stared at his body. When he offered me a clean shirt, a big shirt of course because it fit him, I took it, at least I tried to, but he didn’t let go.
“This is a trade. Nice, dry shirt for cold, wet underwear. Your choice.”
I scowled at him but like I could rip the shirt out of his hand. I muttered fine as I got naked, but then the clasp on my bra got stuck, and I had the humiliation of him shoving me forward to unsnap the clasp for me leaving my back completely naked for five seconds before he pulled the blanket back over me. He had my underwear, I had his shirt, and I felt like he’d used me although it was kind of funny to see my neon orange panties and hot pink bra dangling from his hand.
“Put on my shirt. I’ll be back with your herbal tea.”
“Are you always such a bully?”
“The word is jerk. And, yes. I have my playlist to live up to.”
With that, he was gone, still wearing wet dark blue underwear that I hadn’t noticed at all, or the muscles in his thighs and… seriously. Had to stop.
Chapter 31
His room was too neat. I was glad that I got to see it messy because I’d hate him if I didn't know the other side, or the multiple other sides, like the dorky laugh and the messed up mother, the inability to hug and the way he ate my cookies. Crap. I was not going to think about the cookies, although why that would make me want to cry, I had no idea.
I was freezing, even under the duvet. I rolled up into a ball, and when you roll up into a ball it’s nearly impossible not to cry. It’s what you do, right? He found me like that, shivering, sniveling, but he didn’t say anything, only pulled me upright and handed me the tea. I couldn’t drink because I was too busy choking on tears, trying to be fine and stuff. With a long suffering sigh he sat on the edge of the bed.
“What’s wrong?”
I glared at him. “I’m cold. My feet are freezing. You stole my underwear. Why do I have to go to the lake and almost die? I don’t like almost dying. I don’t like obsessing about jerks. What I hate the most is how I can’t do anything about it. None of it. You want to be free, in control, well you’re not the only one. You’re just the only one who actually has a shot at it. Thanks for the tea,” I mumbled, sticking my face inside the cup so I wouldn’t have to look at perfect him and he wouldn’t have to see snotty me with my red nose, red eyes, and hair that probably could take award for worst ever. And the cookies. I sniffed, but drank tea instead of letting out the sob.
“So, you’re okay then.”
I glared at him, but he only smiled.
“Yeah. I’m just… What are you doing?” I asked as he pulled back the blanket and climbed in. He was wearing clothes, baggy stuff that looked cozy so that was good, but still, when he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me against him, I had no idea what to do. His hand came around mine, steadying my tea.
“Try not to spill.”
“Yeah, thanks. What are you doing?”
He sighed, and I could feel his breath on my neck. It was warm, but it made me shiver anyway. “It’s called a hug. They make people feel better.”
“Not in beds. In beds it’s called snuggling.”
“That’s why it feels so much more natural for me. Closer to my puppy persona.”
“Seriously, Sean, you can’t cuddle me in your bed.”
“Do you want to go back in the tank?” I hesitated. “Relax. It’s just a cuddle, or was that snuggle? Don’t you know how to…”
“No. I don’t. I can’t. Just…”
“Shhh,” he whispered against my hair. “I’m not going to hurt you. I just want to warm you up. I feel responsible because I didn’t stop you from going out onto the ice. I could have. I have at least a hundred pounds on you. I could have tackled you, dragged you to the car and tied you up, or worse, I could have told your father. I didn’t. The least I can do is warm up your feet and make sure you don’t catch pneumonia. Take a drink of tea. There, a little better? You’re fine.”
The idea of him telling my dad stopped the freaking out. That’s what the sensible, responsible thing was to do. To tell my dad that I was obsessed with the lake after my mother’s death and that I needed therapy. No. There was no way I was going to make him worry more than he already did. He worried about me. All the time. I couldn’t just not tell him though; I had to be the person who didn’t do stupid things, however much I wanted to.
I had to figure out ways to cope. Addicted people did it, stuff to make sure they didn’t get swept up in their addictions, I could do that too. I leaned against him, sipping tea. I needed something to do, something like swimming only without the awkwardness of being in the swim team’s space. Karate. I could do that instead, go to my dad’s dojo and beat a board until I felt less like singing. It would also get me in shape.
The longer I sat in Sean’s arms, the warmer and more contented I felt. He couldn’t help but make the worries less, the issues I had sort of disappear. When I’d finished my tea, I turned so that I could curl around him, lying on his shoulder with my forehead against his throat.
“Sean, you
smell like fresh laundry.”
“Mmm,” he said, sounding drowsy. “You smell like…” he mumbled something I didn’t hear, but I was too comfortable to care.
When I woke up, it was weird because the light was on, and heavy even breathing was right above me. It was also weird because my leg was over his hip, and his hand was on my ankle, while his other arm cradled me against his chest. It was also weird because I was freaking sleeping with Captain Sean. Literally. Sleeping. I opened my mouth to freak out loud but coughed instead.
Sean tightened his hold on me, mumbling while he tucked my head under his chin. He was a mama hen. And I was his chick. Ugh. I had to pee. I had to freak out, but I kind of wanted to stay there and relax against him, to take advantage of him not being the perfect in-control person. I really wanted to. I snuggled my face against his chest, wrapping my leg tighter around him.
I inhaled him, felt his heart beat against mine and wanted to die. This was not good. This was the part where I stopped using the fact that he was an egotistical jerk to keep him out of that place in my chest that felt warm and squishy. Warm. Squishy. Pathetic. Giggling. Cookie baking. Just another idiot who wanted to wake up on a regular basis wrapped in his arms. It didn’t matter. It was too late. I couldn’t go back and wake up alone, I couldn’t erase the way it felt to have someone unconsciously tighten their arms around me, that feeling of being exactly where I was supposed to be with the exact right person—the right person who wasn’t my same species, who didn’t want me in any actual way, who would always be on a completely separate plane than me. Awesome.
I should have pushed him away, I should have told him that I was awake and that he had to take me home, but instead I closed my eyes and listened to his heartbeat until I fell back asleep.
The next morning I woke up alone in his bed, but Sean wasn’t far. He sat on the floor hunched over a pile of books. None of them were written in English.
“Good-morning,” he said absently as he thumbed through a fat tome. “Good, you’re awake.” The back of his head looked ridiculously adorable as did the way his ears stuck out a little bit. Somebody shoot me.
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