by Lucy Snow
“Yeah, she’ll be fine. She’s gotten herself this far.” That was a loaded statement. Maggie was in the business of taking care of herself and the people she cared about.
“Let’s get you home, then. At least, out of the cold.” With that, he turned away and started off.
We kept walking through the slowly accumulating snow. As my adrenaline from the lead up and eventual confrontation with Steve faded away, I started to notice how cold I was, and I shivered despite my coat. This dress was not helping me stay warm at all. That’s what I get for dressing like a tramp.
I felt Harrison’s hand on the small of my back, guiding me toward his car. It felt reassuring and warm, and I liked how protective of me he was acting, even if I had no context or basis on which to understand it. This was totally unlike him.
Like, I understood that he was not the kind of person to stand idly by and let someone be attacked like I was, but this tenderness, however small and meager, was everything to me. It was a totally different side of my stepbrother, and I was still trying to piece it together, trying to integrate it into what I knew about him.
Everything was out of whack. I wasn’t myself, Harrison wasn’t himself. Nothing made any sense anymore.
“Where did you come from?” I still had no idea how Harrison happened to be there just when I needed him most. I wasn’t complaining, not at all, but I was curious. Was he following me?
Why?
He stayed silent, still pressing his hand against my back, still guiding me through the parking lot. I looked around as I shivered - the cold wind crept all over me, the snow landing on my hair and melting instantly. Not enough to leave too much on the ground yet, but if it picked up, we’d have to do some digging to get cars out in the morning.
After another minute we got to his car. It was the same one he drove in high school, but now it looked a whole lot better, like he’d been putting serious time into fixing it up. It looked clean and sleek and commanding. A big change from the last time I’d seen it, years ago. Just like its owner, I guessed. I remembered the car back in high school, and how often it had broken down. Harrison had always insisted he knew just the thing to fix it up.
Cars had always been the one thing that seemed to give Harrison peace. I’d figured out that he’d learned to work on them with his father when he was a kid, and to this day I remember him in high school working on that car. Nothing at the time had made him happier than to spend those days tuning things. Mostly with his shirt off, muscles ripping in the summer sun as he tinkered with the entire engine block. Nothing at the time had made me more turned on than watching him, though I tried not to let him catch me staring. I was mostly successful.
Not the right time to be thinking about that, Laurel, jeez. I couldn’t help myself, though, despite the other thoughts running through my head. When I saw that car, I thought of Harrison doing Harrison things. And I turned to jelly. I had no idea what he was talking about half the time when he talked about cars, but just seeing him so passionate and animated always had made me swoon.
The car held memories. Memories that I was scared of, but were inexplicably drawn to at the same time. Much like me and Harrison.
We stopped in front of the car. I turned to Harrison. I needed to get some information before I got inside with him, despite how much I wanted to go home and forget about what had happened with Steve.
“Were you following me?” I asked again, still not sure if I wanted the answer. Whatever the reason was, I was more thankful than ever that Harrison had been around.
He stared at me, as if through me, like I wasn’t there. No words, no sense of what he was thinking. Like the old Harrison again. I looked him up and down and to my surprise and horror, I could see him standing like he was a few minutes ago when facing off with Steve.
Outwardly calm, but I could see the tension in his hands, like he was holding himself back from unleashing all the anger inside him.
“Get in the car, Laurel,” his voice was soft, but suggested I should listen.
“I want answers, Harrison.”
“Get in the car, Laurel. I’m taking you home.” His voice was getting harder.
“Were you following me?”
“Laurel, get in the car!” Harrison was almost shouting now, the edge in his words was clear. I turned my head from side to side to see if anyone else had heard him, feeling my cheeks turn red with embarrassment. I felt like a little kid. Thankfully, no one else was around. We were alone.
I put my hands on my hips. “No, I’m not getting in till you tell me what’s going on.” If Harrison was going to make me feel like a little kid, then I was going to act the part and throw a tantrum if I had to, right then and there in the Crown’s parking lot. I knew he meant business, but I did too, and I wanted answers.
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. I waited, heart thumping. I don’t know why the moment seemed so charged, but in that second you couldn’t have pried my focus away from Harrison with a crowbar.
Harrison opened his eyes, exhaling deeply. “Yes, Laurel, I was following you.” It sounded like he was putting all his effort into controlling his voice, keeping himself from shouting back at me.
“Why?”
“I saw how you left the party and I wanted to make sure you were OK.”
“What do you mean?” That didn’t sound anything like the Harrison I knew.
“I know you just found out about it a few hours ago, it can’t have been easy. I know you didn’t want to go.”
“Easy?”
“Seeing everyone there to, uh, celebrate…me.” He faltered, as if he didn’t think he deserved the party earlier tonight. The old Harrison would have loved to be around people celebrating his accomplishments, such as they were.
“It’s nothing new. They’ve always doted on you.” The implication that they didn’t pay as much attention to me was clear. Harrison had always, consciously or not, demanded more attention from his mother and my father, and with my unassuming nature I’d just let it happen.
Harrison didn’t answer directly. “You must be cold.”
I realized that I was still shivering. It wasn’t so much from the cold, but that wasn’t helping. It was, you know, actually having a conversation with Harrison. I couldn’t remember the last time we’d actually done so.
We stood in silence in front of Harrison’s car, and I couldn’t help but replay the events of the last few minutes in my head. Steve had seemed like such a nice guy, and we’d been getting along pretty well, it seemed. I liked him and I wanted him to kiss me, but everything had just jumped off the rails so quickly, he wanted too much way too fast, and I just wasn’t ready for it.
I mean, yeah, if he’d taken me out a few times I would have been more willing, but fooling around like that in a dingy bar parking lot a few minutes after speaking for the first time? Even my newly-liberated self wasn’t that kind of girl, and though I wanted to be more outgoing and worldly, I was A-OK with being a conservative fuddy-duddy if that’s what outgoing meant.
Waves of fear and guilt washed over me as I started to feel echoes of Steve’s hands on me, holding me in place, and the words he’d said, all those things about how much I wanted it and how much I would like it. I shuddered as the memories came flashing back, over and over. I had to resist the urge to scream again, or burst into tears.
“Laurel, are you OK?” I dimly heard Harrison call out, but it felt like his voice was so far away from me, even though I could see him standing there not four feet away. He stepped closer, his arms out. “Laurel? What’s going on?”
I turned my head away, as if trying to get some more air, holding up a hand to push him away, but I couldn’t stay up; all the thoughts and fresh memories and guilt and fear and shame cut through me all at once and I lost my balance, tumbling forward while I tried to blink back the tears as they threatened to flow freely. I threw my hands up as a reflex to save myself from hitting the ground…
But I never made it. Harrison stepped in
and enveloped me in his strong arms. I could feel the soft fabric of his suit, and the musky manly scent emanating from underneath it. His muscles contracted and I felt covered in soft strength, the strength that had just saved me from an attacker I’d thought was a nice guy, but who turned out to be a predator on the prowl for the likes of me.
I felt so vulnerable and weak, that I’d let someone get so close to me, let them hurt me like that. If Harrison hadn’t been there to rescue me, what would I have done?
“Oh, Harrison!” I sobbed into his chest, unable to hold back anymore. I knew I was ruining his suit but I couldn’t help it. The weight of all that had just happened crushed me and I just needed to let it all out.
Harrison stood like a warm statue, a lighthouse in the cold and snowy night, keeping me safe and protected. “I’m sorry I didn’t get there early enough. I was inside and didn’t see you leave.”
“Thank you for saving me,” I moaned into his chest, unsure if he could hear me. “I was so scared.”
“I know,” he whispered, his lips hovering near my ear, just my hair in between us like a shield. He held me there, quiet. There was nothing more to say. Maybe later I would be angry about him following me, but for now I was just glad that he was there and that he’d rescued me from Steve.
After a couple minutes, Harrison spoke. “It’s getting colder, and the snow is getting heavier. Let me take you home, Laurel.” I nodded, still buried deep against his muscular chest, barely contained by his shirt and jacket.
“OK, let’s go,” I sniffed, but I didn’t move. My limbs felt like stone; I was a statue with no power to move myself. Standing there propped up against Harrison’s strong body was perfect in that moment, and everything in me resisted moving.
“Get in the car,” he whispered.
As much as I wanted to stay there, I willed myself away from his inviting chest and pushed my head back far enough to look into Harrison’s eyes, meeting his steely and strong gaze. I lifted a hand up and wiped away my tears. “My mascara’s running, I must look like a monster.” I’d seen pictures of girls with their makeup running from crying - the term raccoon eyes definitely applied.
“Yeah, you’re a little scary,” Harrison deadpanned. I looked up at him and saw the smirk on his face. I hated that smirk. I mean, ordinarily. Right now it looked pretty good.
Anything Harrison could have done right now was pretty good with me. I didn’t know how long it would last, but I’d give him a break for a little while at least. A free pass.
“Shut up!” I couldn’t help but giggle. Even in my darkest moments he didn’t let up. In another time I would have been actually mad at him, but now that just didn’t seem appropriate.
“I gotta say I don’t recommend the look in the future.” More charm that I couldn’t resist.
“I’ll try not to get assaulted in parking lots, then, as a rule.”
“That’s a good rule.”
Harrison turned me around and I felt his hand resume its place at the small of my back while he gently guided me toward the passenger side of the car. When we got there, he got out the keys, unlocked it, opened the door and helped me get in, closing it after me. I’d only been inside his car a handful of times, so this felt special. The interior was as clean as I remembered it, but this time it also didn’t look like it was being worked on as much.
By the time he walked around to his side I’d already unlocked it for him. I don’t know what made me do it, but I had a feeling it had something to do with an old movie. Harrison reached for his keys before realizing the door was already unlocked, and I could see his grin through the window. He stood there for a second with that smile on his face, putting his hands in his pockets and looking around, before he got in the car.
We sat there, Harrison’s hands on the steering wheel, but he didn’t start the car. All I could hear was both of us breathing heavily. It was warmer inside, but still cold. At least the snow wasn’t falling directly on us anymore, only covering up the windshield with a fine white powder.
I watched him, his hands tightening their grip around the steering wheel as if he was tense and trying to figure out what to say next. Harrison wasn’t usually the kind of person to think his words through, he usually went with the first thing that came to mind. Often that led to arguments.
“Is everything alright?” I asked. I almost didn’t want to disturb him, but this wasn’t really getting us anywhere.
Harrison whipped his head around to look at me, his eyes blazing with anger. “How could you get yourself into a situation like that, Laurel?!” In the small cabin of the car, even talking with a slightly raised voice sounded like shouting.
I recoiled against the back window in fear before I found my own words. “You think this is my fault?” I was incredulous. I wasn’t asking to be attacked.
He softened as he understood the implication of my words. “No of course not. You’re not responsible for whoever that guy was, but what were you thinking? Going out alone, away from everyone else, with a guy like that. What if I hadn’t been there?”
“But you were, and obviously I didn’t think he was going to be like that, or I would never have gone anywhere with him.” I was feeling obstinate.
“I know, but you have to be more careful, dressing up like that, going out to bars. I can’t always be around to protect you.”
“Wait just a damn minute now, Harrison: always? This is the first time, isn’t it? It’s not like you’ve protected me ever before.”
“What are you talking about? I’ve been protecting you for years!” The fire in his eyes told me that whatever I thought, he thought he was telling the truth.
“Huh? What do you mean?” This was the first I’d heard of him protecting me.
“I’ve been keeping guys like that away from you for a long time now, ever since high school.” He looked very pleased with himself in that moment, like I should be thanking him for his public service.
I was dumbfounded. “I’m not sure I understand what you’re saying…”
“I mean, there have been guys chasing after you for a long time and I’ve managed to keep them away, but I can’t always be around. Like when you’re at school, or when you decide to run off with some local asshole.” He sounded hurt and angry.
“Wait, let me get this straight: there are guys wanting to date me or take me out and you haven’t let them?” My anger flared.
“Yeah. I had to make sure you were safe, not out doing stuff like that. You’re better than that, better than those guys.”
I crossed my arms over my chest. “I think I can take care of myself, Harrison. I don’t need your protection all the time.”
“Clearly you needed it tonight.”
I had nothing to say in response to that. He was right. Even if I didn’t think I needed him before, tonight I actually did. I wanted to ask him why he’d been ‘protecting’ me all this time, but now didn’t seem like the right time. I was still figuring out how to deal with being attacked.
I wanted to know so much more about him. We were both different people now.
When I didn’t say anything for a few seconds, Harrison started the car, his hands still gripping the wheel tightly. We drove home in silence. I didn’t want to speak first and apparently Harrison has the same idea. This was more what I was used to. And it was better than fighting with each other.
As we drove I looked out the window at the town I’d grown up in. The streets were familiar and foreign to me at the same time. I knew where every street led but now I wondered how much I really knew about them at all. Summitville had always felt like the place I belonged even if I didn’t want to. Now I wasn’t so sure about the belonging part.
And now, after the parking lot I was sure that my feelings toward Summitville would be tarnished by the echoes of Steve’s touches. It came on so fast, and was over in just a couple minutes, but already I knew it would take some time to think over and process. I’d try to get over it and not let it warp my feelings about
my hometown, but that was going to be difficult at best.
When we got back to the house, Harrison parked on the street so as not to disturb our parents. All the lights were off so they were probably asleep. I looked at the clock on the dashboard - it wasn’t very late, but our parents had always been early sleepers and early risers. We sat in silence in the car for a couple more minutes. Neither of us wanted to make the first move and upset this delicate balance we’d established.
Finally, though, I’d had enough. “Why were you keeping guys away from me all this time?”
Harrison looked straight ahead and sighed long and low, like he was setting down a huge weight from his broad shoulders. “I just wanted to make sure you were safe, Laurel.”
“You had a very strange way of showing it. Is that all?”
He hesitated, exhaling. “Yes. I was looking out for you.”
“But you’ve never been nice to me before. You’ve barely acknowledged my existence since our parents got together. And now you’re telling me it was all out of some sort of brotherly compassion? Why do you care of a sudden? What’s changed?”
“Something like that,” Harrison replied, not really answering the question, like he wasn’t paying attention. He was focused forward, and even though we were parked, he acted like he was still driving.
“You can’t even look at me, can you?”
He sighed again, looking down and shaking his head. I could barely hear the murmurs coming out - Harrison was talking to himself. It sounded like he was almost fighting an internal battle that finally spilled out.
The car was cooling down and I could see the beginning of steam coming out of Harrison’s mouth as he exhaled. “I know I’ve been distant, Laurel.”
“Distant isn’t really the right way to put it, Harrison. Distant is being way more generous than you should be. You weren’t distant, you were downright evil toward me. And that’s before I found about you keep guys away from me. And you’ve never explained any of it to me. What do you want me to think? All this time, what was I supposed to think?”