by Tommie Lyn
TWENTY-TWO
“Brother, it is I, Niall.”
Ailean raised the bar, opened the door and invited his younger brother inside, out of the cold and wind. “Take a seat by the fire,” Ailean said to him. “You look cold.”
Niall sat. He stared into the fire, rubbing his hands. He raised his head and looked into Ailean’s eyes.
“I have to talk to you.” He glanced across the fire at Mùirne, who was carding wool, and added, “Alone.”
“But can’t you talk here? It’s too cold outside,” Ailean said. He saw the expression in Niall’s eyes and gave an impatient grunt. “All right. Just a minute.”
He went to a shelf, took down two old, tattered féileadh-mòr .
“Here.” He handed one to Niall and draped one over his head. He wrapped it around himself while Niall did the same, and they went outside.
Ailean led the way to the leeward side of the cottage, out of the cold wind, and he asked, “What is it?”
Niall kept his eyes lowered as he said, “I…I don’t know how to say this.” He raised his eyes to meet Ailean’s. “I have a bad feeling.”
Ailean made no comment, but his eyes betrayed a wariness. The family accepted that Niall was blessed, or cursed, with the Second Sight, a common superstition in the Highlands, and when Niall said he had a feeling, the members of his family and of the clan took notice of what he said. Ailean wavered between accepting the belief others held in his brother’s gift and rejecting any notion of it.
“I look around me, and…” Niall surveyed their surroundings, the hills, the lower woods, the cottages. “I don’t want to be disloyal, but…I have a feeling of dread that this is all going to pass away. Because of Prionnsa Teàrlach.”
Again, Ailean made no reply. His only response was a sharp intake of breath. He eased a step backward, away from Niall.
“It makes me want to run,” Niall continued. “To run far away where nothing bad can touch me. Can touch us.”
Ailean cleared his throat and blinked his eyes. “Run away? From what?”
He himself wanted to run at this moment, wanted to run from his brother and the eerie, crawling sensation in his gut that Niall’s words created. He tried to distance himself from what he suspected Niall was trying to say.
“Niall, you’re not a coward. Da didn’t raise us to be cowardly men. And where would you run to? There’s nowhere to run. Why would you want to leave your home?”
“That’s just it, I don’t want to leave my home. But I feel I have to. Before it’s too late.”
“Too late for what?”
Niall shook his head and turned his eyes toward the ground again. “I don’t know. It’s just a bad feeling I have. Faolan has the same feeling. We talked about it today.”
“Maybe you feel this way because of the battle, because of what we did.” Ailean stared at the ridges to the east, their peaks barely visible in the waning light. “I have bad feelings, too, Niall. Because of what I did. I can’t get beyond the memories of it. I can’t get the images of what happened out of my head. I think about it day and night.”
____________
Niall sensed that his older brother wanted to disregard his premonition, as if pretending he hadn’t heard it would make it cease to exist.
I wish I could ignore it. I wish I hadn’t seen…what I saw.
Ailean squatted, pulling the warm woolen cloth about his bare legs, and leaned back against the cottage wall. Niall hunkered down beside him.
“You were there. You know what it was like,” Ailean said. “Doesn’t it torment you, too?”
“What bothers me more is…this feeling of dread weighing me down. It makes me want to run, to go far away,” Niall said, trying again to reach Ailean with the warning which consumed his thoughts.
“I see those men I killed,” Ailean went on, almost as though Niall had not spoken, as if he could not bring himself to acknowledge Niall’s fears. “I see their faces. And I see the ones I wounded. It plagues me. And then, I start to wonder what kind of warrior I am. Am I a brave man, like I want to be? Or am I a coward, to think such things?”
“You didn’t run from the fighting, you ran toward it, so I know you’re brave,” Niall said. “I was afraid, not knowing what was going to happen. But when I saw you yelling and running toward the enemy, I didn’t feel so scared. And you fought. How fierce you were! I wish I could fight as well.”
“But now I feel different than I did that day,” Ailean said. “I will fight again, if need be. I want to be a brave warrior for the chief. But I don’t know if I can fight like I did that day. I don’t want to be the cause of suffering. I don’t want it on my conscience. And I’m afraid if I have to fight again, I’ll be thinking about that instead of thinking about making a good fight.
“I don’t know if we’re supposed to think about it,” Niall said. “We’re just supposed to do it.”
Ailean looked at Niall for a moment and laughed. “I’m the older brother, and I’m supposed to teach you, but you’re explaining things to me.”
Niall said nothing but lowered his eyes.
“I guess what’s important, like Da says, is doing the right thing, the honorable thing.” Ailean stared into the darkening sky, then turned to his brother. “You just do what’s right, even if it’s not what you’d choose, even if it’s not easy.”
They crouched against the wall in silence, side by side in the cold as the dark night descended upon them, each absorbed in his own emotions and thoughts. Finally, Ailean reached out and put his hand on Niall’s shoulder.
“Thanks, brother, you’ve given me something to think about, and it’s helping me feel better already. Now, let’s go back inside where it’s warm. Mùirne probably has something ready to eat. Have supper with us?”
“But I…” Niall began. He sighed, and his shoulders sagged. He realized further effort would be useless. The help he needed would not be forthcoming from his brother. “All right. I suppose so.”
The haunted look in Niall’s eyes remained.
____________
Aodh and Niall left the next morning. Ailean stood in his open doorway and watched them as they departed.
I should be going, too. I should be well by now and ready to go with them. His jaw tightened, and he slapped his palm against the rock wall. What kind of weakling am I? I can’t even do my duty.
He went inside the house. He sat on his chair, leaned over, put his elbows on his knees, and rested his chin on his fists. Mùirne saw the dark expression on his face and remained silent.
____________
Two weeks later, the day before the MacEòghainns and other men on the croft were to return to the army, Faolan disappeared.
____________
On a cold, windy day the first week of April, Ailean sat on a bench outside the barn door repairing the teeth on the harrow. It was time for spring planting, and he and Coinneach, with the help of the women, had turned and harrowed the ground on only three fields. Then the harrow broke. They were now hopelessly behind, and Ailean was worried.
Someone shouted a greeting, and Ailean looked up to see Fearghus MacLachlainn riding from the woods.
Ailean laid the harrow aside, stood and waited for Fearghus to reach him. Fearghus pulled the reins and stopped the horse when he reached Ailean, but he did not dismount.
“Won’t you get down and rest a bit?”
“No time. I’ve been sent to bring you and Coinneach back to Inverness with me right away. Right now.”
“Inverness?”
“Aye. We’ve been there for a while. Cumberland is marching north toward us and all men are needed now. The chief said all able-bodied men have to be there. You look able-bodied. How’s Coinneach?”
“Ask him yourself. He’s in the barn.” Ailean called out, “Coinneach! Come here!”
Coinneach appeared in the doorway. “Fearghus. Good to see you. What word do you have of the army?”
“The chief sent me to bring all able-bodied men to
Inverness. Your brother looks well, and you appear to have recovered, too. You both look like you could make a fight. Go get yourselves ready. I’ll wait for you, and we’ll go together.”
Ailean headed toward his cottage, trying to think of a way to tell Mùirne he’d have to go back to the army and likely do battle again. She was standing at the work table, peeling vegetables when he stepped inside. She looked up, smiled at him, and went on with her work. He stood behind her, put his arms around her body and caressed her swollen abdomen. He leaned over to rest his chin on her shoulder.
“How’s the little one today?” he asked.
“Restless, kicking. This one’s an active babe. More, even than Coinneach-òg was.”
“And how’s his mother?”
“I’m fine.” She put the knife down and turned to face him with a slight frown. “What is it? Something’s wrong, isn’t it?”
“Well, not really.” He brushed his hair away from his face. “Fearghus is outside. He came to get us, and—”
“And you have to go back to the army.”
“Yes. I’m recovered enough to fight again.”
“Isn’t there any way that you can…any way you could stay home? Not have to go?”
“No. It’s past time I went back. It isn’t fair for the others to go when I’m not—”
“But the others weren’t wounded and sick like you. And I don’t think you’re well enough. I’ll tell the chief that myself.”
“Mùirne, you know that isn’t true. I am well enough.”
She began wringing her hands. “But you—”
“I have to go.”
“But the baby. You won’t be here to…to see the baby.” Her voice rose, and she began breathing rapidly.
“Who knows. Maybe I’ll be back before it’s born.” He reached out and took her hands, holding them in his own to still them. “I love you, my sweet, and I’ll miss you. But I have to go. I have to do my duty.”
“No! No! Your duty is to stay with me! I need you! You promised you’d always stay at my side to protect me! You can’t go!”
She paused and searched his face. Their eyes met, and Ailean saw a desperation in her expression he’d never seen before. He wanted to push it away, to ignore it and the burden it placed on him.
“I have to go, and you know it.”
“You want to go, don’t you!”
“Mùirne, stop this!”
“Tell the truth! You want to leave me behind and go!”
Ailean had never heard Mùirne raise her voice in anger, had never seen her eyes flashing blue fire as they were now. For a moment, he didn’t respond, but her anger triggered a response in him as vehement as her own. Words bubbled up and spewed from his mouth in an angry torrent, uncontrolled.
“Stop behaving like a child!” he shouted. “You can’t have everything the way you want it all the time! You can’t stop me from doing what I have to do.”
He ran his fingers through his hair, directed his gaze at the floor and lowered his voice. “If I hadn’t married you, I’d be free to do my duty with no worries, I wouldn’t have become this…this half-way warrior.”
He looked up and saw Mùirne staring at him, her mouth open, saying nothing. She covered her face with her hands and her shoulders began to quiver.
“I’m sorry,” he mumbled. “I…I didn’t mean to say that. And I didn’t mean to shout at you…”
He took her into his arms, kissed her forehead and tried to hold her close, but her body was rigid and unyielding. He pushed away from her, gripped her wrists and pulled her hands from her face. He held her at arm’s length and looked into her eyes, into an unfathomable icy depth he’d never seen in them, a coldness he couldn’t penetrate. He looked away.
“Take care of yourself and the little ones while I’m gone. I have to get ready now.”
He released her, not knowing what else to say, not knowing how to bridge the yawning rift between them.
____________
Fearghus led the way, following a roundabout route through the hills to avoid being seen by Cambeuls. They reached Inverness on the thirteenth of April. Ailean and Coinneach were both tired after the long walk to Inverness, but glad to see their father and Niall.
“You’re looking fine and fit,” Aodh said to Ailean, resting a hand on his son’s shoulder.
“You look well, too,” Ailean said.
“Coinneach, have you recovered? Are you still having headaches?” Aodh asked.
“I’m doing well enough. It’s good to see you, Da. We’ve missed you. But you,” Coinneach turned his attention to Niall, who appeared thinner than Ailean had ever seen him. “You look too fat and lazy. Don’t they make you do anything but sit around and eat?”
They all laughed.
“And how’s your mother?” Aodh asked.
“Very well. Of course, she’s having to work hard, like all the women, since there’ve been no men to take care of things except Ailean and me,” Coinneach answered. “We’ve been working the fields, trying to get them ready for planting, but with just the two of us…” He shrugged. “How long do you think it will be before we can all go home?”
“That I can’t say, son,” Aodh said. “But I hope it will be soon. Maybe we’ll hear—”
“I’m ready to go now,” Niall interrupted. “We haven’t been doing anything, haven’t had any battles since Falkirk. A few regiments have been involved in some skirmishes here and there. But mostly, we’ve just been sitting here. I wish, if we aren’t going to fight, we could go home…now…I don’t want to be in this place.”
“Patience, son,” Aodh began.
“I’m tired of being patient. I want to leave. Now. I don’t like this place.”
“We’ll leave when our chief tells us to leave!” Aodh’s voice rang out, stern and harsh. He frowned at Niall. “What have I told you about speaking out like that?”
Niall turned his eyes away from his father and stared at nothing, his lips compressed into a straight line.
“Come,” Aodh said to his two older sons. “We’ll show you where we bed down.”
____________
The next morning, soon after sunup, the sounds of drums and pipes came echoing through the streets of Inverness, a summons to arms. Ailean’s pulse quickened. He dressed, strapped on his sword and followed the others into the gathering crowd of men.
The MacLachlainn colors fluttered above the heads of the crowd on one side, and Ailean made his way through the throng to join his clansmen. When the men had assembled, Prionnsa Teàrlach Stiùbhart led them out of Inverness, toward the east, toward Culloden House and Drummossie Moor.
TWENTY-THREE
The march out of Inverness ended in the area by Culloden House. Ruairidh found a likely place to situate his men near some woods. He instructed them to find a place to rest, and he left them.
“He didn’t give us any rations. When are we going to get something to eat?” Coinneach asked his father.
“I’ll go ask him. Sit down and rest,” Aodh told him.
Aodh was gone for a long time. He returned late in the evening, an angry scowl on his face. He sat beside Ailean without saying a word.
“So, where’s the food? When do we get something to eat?” Ailean asked him.
After a long silence, Aodh said, “There’s no ration today.”
“Nothing?”
“I’m so hungry.”
“Surely there has to be something to eat.”
His three sons all spoke at one time.
“There’s no ration today,” he repeated. “Nothing.”
His tone caused them all to fall silent, and they sat for some time without speaking. The sun moved below the horizon and the chilly day became a frosty night.
“Try to get some rest,” Aodh said at last. “We don’t know what tomorrow will bring.”
Ailean took off his sword and unfastened his belt and brooch. He shook out his féileadh-mòr , wrapped himself in it and tried to settle in for the nigh
t. But he didn’t fall asleep right away because of the rumbling of his empty stomach.
Early the next morning, Prionnsa Teàrlach led the army onto nearby Drummossie Moor and their leaders lined up the men in their battle positions. For the most part, even though they were hungry, the men were in high spirits and ready to face the enemy, but there was no sign of the opposing force.
The men began to disperse. Some returned to the area where they had slept, while others left for Inverness in search of food.
Coinneach turned to his father, an uncharacteristic firmness in the expression on his face.
“Da, I’ve got to have some food. If the Sasunnach had marched on us today, I don’t know if I would have had the strength to fight. I’m going back to Inverness to get some food.”
“You can’t do that, son. It could be marked against you as desertion, and—”
“I’m not deserting. I’ll be back. And I’ll bring some food for you and Ailean and Niall.”
Niall spoke up. “I’ll go with you.”
Aodh didn’t answer. He watched as they walked away, his shoulders drooping. He turned to Ailean.
“You’re not going with them?” Aodh asked.
“No. I’ll stay with you. If you can stand the hunger, so can I.”
The sun slid near the edge of the horizon, allowing night to lay claim to the day. Ruairidh brought food to his men, a single oaten bannock for each of them.
“Just one?” Ailean asked, but Ruairidh didn’t answer.
“Be thankful for what you have,” Aodh said.
“Where are Coinneach and Niall?” Ruairidh asked Aodh.
“They went to Inverness to find food,” Aodh said.
“I hope they don’t get shot for deserting,” Ruairidh said with a frown.
“They didn’t desert. They went to get food. They’ll be back.”
Ruairidh shook his head and walked away, muttering to himself.