by Danda K.
I have to go, for good this time. It’s going to kill me, maybe literally. But I’ll sleep better knowing I gave him his best chance at a normal life.
A happy life.
I rub my eyes and get up. If I’m gonna go, it needs to be now before Jaxon gets home and tries to change my mind. One look into those blue eyes of his, and I know he’d probably succeed, too. I can’t be selfish anymore. I need to do this for both of us.
I enter the bathroom and run some cool water over my face, trying to make the swelling of my eyes go down. I dry off my face and grab my Jansport, and carry it into the bedroom, along with a large garbage bag.
Opening the drawers, I dump whatever clothes I can into the large plastic bag. I stick with the heavier clothing because that’s what matters now. I grab some undergarments and throw them in the bag, too.
Walking over to the bed, I spot my new tablet, and for a second, I contemplate taking it. I won’t, though- I don’t deserve it, and I never did.
I turn and head past the dresser where he keeps the sand globe I got him. Rubbing my fingers over it, I take a deep, shaky breath. I’ll never forget the night Jaxon made me feel like I was the single most important person in his world. And he’s the only blessing I’ve ever received.
Tears pool in my eyes again, so I rush out of the room, not looking back. Grabbing a pencil and piece of paper, I sit down at the kitchen table and start writing.
My words take longer to get onto the paper than I thought they would. There’s already a hole in my heart by the time I finish writing the final word on his good-bye.
You need to do this…for him.
I clean off my glasses that are soaked from tears. I adjust them back on my face and stand up.
Spotting my keys on the table, I leave them there, throw the garbage bag over my shoulder, and grab my Jansport with my free hand. Little paws tickle the side of my leg, and I look down to find Magnet scratching at my pants. If I didn’t know better, I’d think he was trying to stop me from leaving.
I drop my bags to the floor and kneel down to pet his head. “I don’t have a choice, buddy. I’m no good for him.” He rubs his head against my knee. “It’s the best thing for them both. I need to go.” He jumps on my lap, and I fall back on my behind. Hugging him to my chest, I admit, “You aren’t really a serpent, you know. I think you’re actually my best friend.” I bury my face in his fur, my tears wetting the hairs. Magnet just sits on me, purring as I pet him.
“I have to go now, buddy. Take care of him for me.”
I remove Magnet as I stand up and head towards the door, but he gets to it first and scratches at it relentlessly. I choke out, “Magnet, you can’t come with me!” Picking him up, I plead, “Please, don’t make this harder than it has to be.”
I can’t breathe, and I think death would be easier than this. I grab Magnet’s food and water from the kitchen and place them in the bathroom before kissing him one final time and close him in there.
There’s scratching on the other side of the door as I walk away.
I whisper, “I’m sorry,” to this animal I’ve actually grown to love. Magnet has become someone I tell all my secrets to.
I hear his meows behind me as I grab the bags again. I open the door and lock it from the inside. The frigid air hitting my face isn’t nearly as cold as the ice forming once again inside my soul right now.
Here I am, another house I’m running from. But this time, it isn’t the people inside destroying me.
It’s me destroying them.
I take one final look at the only home I’ve ever known, wishing for one more moment with Jaxon. One more kiss, one more hug, one more laugh. But I can’t.
They aren’t mine to have anymore.
A firetruck zooms down the street, the sound of the sirens piercing my ears, but it barely registers compared to the sound of the door as I slam it shut for the final time.
Forty-six
Jaxon
I leave another damn voicemail for Gelissa. She hasn’t picked up my calls since I’ve gotten to the hospital with Emersyn. She’s been screaming and crying for her mom, fighting every single nurse who’s come to check her vitals. Finally, my phone rings, and I quickly answer the call, hoping I can hear over Emersyn’s cries.
“Hello?”
“Jaxon, what is it? I just woke up, and I’m tired.”
“It’s your daughter. She got burned, and I’m at the damn hospital with her, Gelissa. She’s screaming for you. You need to come here, now.”
“Is it really bad? Because I didn’t get much sleep. And I’m going out tonight with McKenzie.”
This girl never ceases to fucking amaze me.
“Does it matter how bad it is?! She’s screaming and crying for her mother. Can you play your part and get your ass over here? I’ve never done this before. I’m freaking out!”
Emersyn’s cries get louder as a nurse comes in and attempts to clean her arm.
“Ugh, Jaxon, this is your day with her. You asked for as much as possible. You’re just gonna have to deal with it. I’m busy today. I’m sure she’s fine. How’d she even get burned?”
I bite my tongue because I know threatening violence is frowned upon.
“She touched the inside of the oven.”
“Why weren’t you watching her?” her judgmental tone clear as day.
“I was outside. Cameron was in the kitchen when it happened. It was a fucking accident. Instead of passing blame, how about you come here and comfort our daughter?”
A pungent smell comes from Emersyn, and I sniff the back of her diaper. I hope that’s gas.
“Of course, it was your useless, awkward girlfriend who hurt our child.”
Emersyn screams for Gelissa again, and I know she hears it.
“Gelissa, enough! Can you not be a selfish bitch for once in your life? Do you not hear your daughter calling for you?!”
She stays silent for a few seconds. I’m hoping the urgency of the situation is finally breaking through her shallow brain.
“Ugh, whatever. McKenzie’s out with her car, and I’m not taking the bus. It’ll take too long to get there. Deal with her at the hospital and then drop her off with me. I’ll just have to cancel my plans because your girlfriend doesn’t have an ounce of common sense.”
“Fine.” I hang up the phone, frustrated with her bullshit.
A middle-aged doctor with greying hair walks in wearing green scrubs and a stethoscope around his neck. He walks over to the small sink in our room and washes his hands.
When he approaches us, I can spot his medical I.D. encased in a plastic holder around his neck.
“Well, well, well. I never like hearing such a sweet little one crying this way,” he smiles at Emersyn as she hides her face in my neck, tears still pooling around her eyes. “I think I know what she needs.”
The doctor reaches behind his back and pulls out a juice box and small, brown stuffed teddy bear. It’s holding a heart in his hand that says Get Well Soon, so I’m assuming he grabbed it from the gift shop.
“Dad, is it okay if little--” He looks down at his papers to confirm her name, “Emersyn here has some juice?” I nod my consent and continue to gently rock her. She peeks out from my neck, and her eyes immediately widen at the sweet drink and toy. She reaches over to him, just dampness remaining on her face. He opens the juice for her, sticks the straw inside, and then hands it to her as a peace offering.
Emersyn seems much calmer now, so the doctor pulls up a spinning stool and sits next to us.
He reaches out a hand for me to shake, “My name is Dr. Gentile. I’m the Pediatric Attending Physician at Coney Island Hospital. Sorry it took me a little bit to see you guys.”
“It’s no problem. I’m Jaxon, Emersyn’s dad. I was just a bit overwhelmed with the situation. This is the first time something like this has happened.”
“She’s your first?” I nod in response, and he smiles knowingly, patting her on the back.
“You did th
e right thing, Dad. Now, why not tell me what happened to our little Emersyn here.” He nods towards my daughter, who is slurping her drink down, wide-eyed and kicking her feet enthusiastically.
I explain exactly what Cameron told me and that it was a complete accident. He doesn’t seem too concerned with foul play, which was something that crossed my mind for sure, so I’m relieved when he just nods and listens to how we ended up here.
“Okay, sounds pretty common. These things happen. I have three boys of my own, although they’re older now. But I’ve been right where you are at this age. If anything, more often because they were a wild bunch. Always getting into some trouble and getting hurt somehow.”
I smile at him, appreciating his understanding. He takes hold of Emersyn’s arm while she’s distracted with her juice and toy and looks it over cautiously, eyeing her reaction.
Once he feels safe to proceed without starting another meltdown, he grabs some medical wipes and a clear liquid and gently pats the area to clean it. He gets a long piece of gauze and a large Band-Aid, covering the affected area with the Band-Aid first and then wrapping it gently with the gauze to make sure it’s secure.
Once he cares for her wound, he brings his attention back to me.
“It’s just a minor, second-degree burn. Although it’ll hurt her for a little bit, it shouldn’t even leave a scar.” Dr. Gentile fills out a small form and hands it to me. “This is a prescription for some Silvadene. It’ll help with the healing and prevent infection. You can give her some ibuprofen for her discomfort no sooner than every eight hours. If she’s still uncomfortable over three hours after the ibuprofen, you can alternate with Tylenol. But I think the Motrin will do the trick just fine.” He rubs her head. “Other than that, she’ll be as good as new.”
I feel a wave of relief knowing she won’t be scarred from this.
“You’re a great dad, Jaxon, and tell your girlfriend it happens to all us parents at least once. Kind of like a rite of passage. It usually affects us, as parents, more than it does our kids.” He shakes my hand again, handing me the discharge papers to sign.
“I hope your family has a Happy New Year.”
“Yeah, thanks. Same to you, Doc.”
Even though Emersyn is much calmer now, I’m still going to drop her off with Gelissa. I need to check on Cam and make sure she doesn’t feel too bad. It doesn’t help that I was practically in shock when all this was happening.
I didn’t want to react irrationally and somehow blame Cameron when obviously this was a complete accident. I know for sure the same thing could’ve happened if it was me in that kitchen. I was so focused on calming Emersyn down and staying calm myself, that to make sure I didn’t say the wrong thing to Cam, I decided staying quiet was the safest option.
I feel much better knowing the burn isn’t bad and will heal in a couple weeks.
So when I get home, I’ll butter Cameron up in all the ways she likes and I love, while Gelissa actually sacrifices something as a parent and takes care of her child.
I knock on Gelissa’s door several times before she finally opens it. She’s wrapped in a long, fluffy white robe, her hair bunched up in a rat’s nest on her head. My eyes widen at her appearance. Her cheeks look sunken in, and her skin looks clammy and pale. There are prominent dark circles under her eyes, and I swear I’d question if she was pregnant if she didn’t actually look like she’d lost weight. I’m about to ask if she has the flu or something, but before I can, she interrupts my thoughts.
“See something you like, Jaxon?” She eyes me up and down seductively.
Nope, definitely do not.
“The doctor gave me a prescription that needs to be filled. It’s an ointment for the burn. We have to use it twice a day for seven days. He also said we could give her Motrin for-”
“Yeah, I got it, Jaxon. I’ve been her mother for almost two years now, or did you forget that?”
My concern about her appearance evaporates. “Whatever, I’ll pick Emersyn up on Monday.”
Gelissa reaches out to take Emersyn, but she clings to my neck, shaking her head. “Not my Mommy.”
I look at her, confused. “Baby, of course, it is. You’ve been crying for her this whole time. She’ll take good care of you.” I kiss her head and hand her over to Gelissa, and just like the first time I ever picked Emersyn up, she slams the door in my face.
I step out of the building and into the freezing cold air. There’s no one in sight. When my car comes into view, I jog to get there faster. Thank fuck for auto-start.
Quickly opening the door, I jump in, feeling the heat blasting on my skin. I’m bummed I won’t have the baby on New Year’s Eve, but honestly, she’ll be sleeping at midnight anyway.
My phone rings, so I answer through my Bluetooth.
“Hello?”
“Hi, I’m looking for Cameron or Jaxon. My name is Dan, and I work over at Fix-It Guys.”
“This is Jaxon. It’s been a while. I almost forgot you guys were working on her computer,” I say playfully, understanding why it took so long.
“We do apologize for the delay, but given the extensive damage, it took us much longer than usual to get access to the photos. On a brighter note, we have a flash drive all ready to be picked up. As a token of good faith, we had all the photos printed so you guys can have copies, too, just in case. We’re only open for another hour because we close early for the holiday. Feel free to pick them up now. If not, we open again on Monday.”
“Thanks a lot. I appreciate it.”
I know I need to get home to Cameron, so I should probably head straight there and pick her pictures up later, but I also know how much they’ll cheer her up if she’s feeling guilty about what happened with Emersyn.
She’s been waiting for them, and I’m sure having them now will put her in a much better mood. I think no further and head right for the store. What’s ten extra minutes?
◆◆◆
I pull up to the house and quickly park in the garage. I grab everything I need to bring inside, holding Cameron’s pictures in my hand.
I only peeked at the top one, a picture of Broadway at night. I step out into the cold, the dragging sound of the garage door closing behind me as I walk. Feeling a strong gust of wind numb my face, I open the gate as a couple of snowflakes land on my cheek.
I look up and notice there’s a sheet of grey covering the sky. I enter the backyard, pick up some of Sam’s smaller outdoor toys, and put them on top of the table just in case it snows a lot and they disappear.
I stick my key in the lock, turn, and open the door, anxious for the heat from the house to warm me up.
When I close the door, I notice it’s eerily quiet. “Cameron! I’m home, baby. Emersyn is fine.”
Nothing.
I swallow hard. Maybe she’s in the shower? I step further into the house, and a chill takes over me. There’s a coldness in here and not the type the fireplace can fix.
A cold that can only come from emptiness.
Our house is void of life.
I feel the dash of panic, and I don’t even need to look further to know she’s gone.
I stare ahead at the empty apartment, dread spreading to the tips of my fingers, making me drop Cameron’s pictures all over the floor by the entryway.
Still holding out hope, I head towards the bedrooms, feeling the walls waving back and forth and closing in on me. I check Emersyn’s room for Cam, and when it comes up empty, I check our bedroom.
She’s not here.
I hear scratching on the bathroom door, and when I open it, Magnet runs out and heads straight to the front door, scratching at it. Please, Cameron. Don’t do this to me.
Heading towards the kitchen, I spot it immediately, and any thread of hope I had left has now deteriorated.
Her keys lay there on top of a folded piece of paper.
There’s a pit in my stomach as I enter the kitchen, still eyeing the paper. I reach for it, squeezing it so tight it crinkles between my fing
ers. Opening it up, I feel my hands tremble as the words appear on the front, obliterating life as I know it.
Not able to get past my name, I drift off to a happier place. Somewhere Cameron is. I stay there with her, if only for a moment, not acknowledging the reality that I know is waiting for me in this letter.
My throat feels like sandpaper, and my eyes tighten to hold back tears as I accept the fact she really left me this time. Walking in a daze into the living room, I sit down on the couch and attempt to read the letter again.
Jaxon,
The first time I saw you, I remember envying how content you looked with life, just standing behind that register. I wanted to know what it felt like to exist amongst the masses and live a normal life, even if it was a mediocre one. Thanks to you, I’ve known not only fulfillment, but love, trust, honesty, and most of all, happiness. Our time together may have been short, but it was impactful. You breathe life into whoever you encounter, Jaxon. You have the ability to make everyone’s day better without even trying.
You saved me from a fate that was probably worse than death because I wasn’t truly living until I met you. You were relentless in your efforts to help me see the world half-full, and I’ll forever be grateful for that. You’re the most selfless person I know, and you deserve to be with someone who won’t test those limits. I tried Jaxon. I tried to be normal, and I tried to be someone you could build a life with. But I failed. I failed you, and I failed your little girl today. There’s just too much of my soul that needs mending, things that love isn’t enough to fix. You can’t love away the pain I live with. And because I know you’re willing to spend your entire life trying, it’s best for me to go.
Emersyn deserves all of your attention without having to worry about my needs. I didn’t want you to have to make this decision, Jaxon. I love you with every fiber of my existence, and I know that I’ll be walking this world with a vital piece of me missing. But I need to be selfless now, so I’m letting you go. I need to give you the chance to find someone who can help you raise Emersyn into a beautiful woman one day. You’re an amazing dad Jaxon, just like I knew you’d be. Emersyn is the luckiest girl in the world to have you. Every beautiful thing about her stems directly from you. From her beautiful face to her vibrant spirit, the best parts of you have transferred to that beautiful little girl. And because of that, I know she’ll be nothing less than extraordinary. I hope you find someone to love one day, and I’m so sorry it couldn’t be me.