by Karli Perrin
“I’m pretty sure that game was invented for you,” Hannah says when the game is over.
“Oh, didn’t you know?” I reply. “My job is to write the answers.”
Mason chuckles. “Wait. I’m your boss so that means I invented the whole game. I’m not sure how I feel about that.”
“The quiet ones are always the worst.”
“Wow,” Hannah says, wide eyed. “That’s so cool.”
Lori rolls her eyes. “He’s lying to you.”
Hannah snorts. “Oh! Duh! I’m so freaking gullible sometimes.”
“Nah, it’s just that Buzz is such a good liar. He’s very convincing when he feeds people his lines. Don’t blame yourself.” She downs the rest of her water then gestures to the empty glass. “I think it’s time for a real drink.”
“What do you want?” John asks.
She throws a quick glance in my direction. “I haven’t decided.”
Blame it on the alcohol or simply too much testosterone but I turn to Hannah. “And what about you, Hannah? What do you want? Can I get you something?” I raise an eyebrow. “Anything?”
She giggles. “I’m sure I can think of something.”
“Come on, Lor,” Sophia says as she stands up, offering a hand. “I’ll help you decide.” She gives me a pointed look as they leave the room.
The rest of us sit in awkward silence until John and Mason start talking about business. Yawn.
“How are you getting home later?” Hannah asks me, uncrossing her legs. I stare down at her bare thighs and my eyes instinctively travel upwards. I swear that I see a glimpse of her black panties. She giggles and my eyes snap back to hers. “Do you want to share a cab or something?”
Or something? “Maybe.”
She opens her legs a little wider. Yes, definitely black. And lace. Fuck, I can even see the little swirly pattern on them. “Like what you see?” she whispers.
Yes, I do. I really fucking do. I just wish that she was somebody else. I look away when I sense somebody staring at me. I turn to see John smirking. I shake my head, trying to erase the image of Hannah’s panties. Even though my dick is getting hard, that’s the most action I’m going to get tonight.
“Are you two okay over there?” he asks, sounding smug; triumphant, even.
“Fine.” I get to my feet. “Where’s your bathroom?”
“Left at the top of the stairs.”
I don’t listen to him. Instead, I turn right. I open the bedroom door and walk in, surprised when I see some actual color on the walls instead of beige. The wall behind his bed is painted a dark red. Interesting. Maybe I’ve underestimated him. Maybe he isn’t as boring in the bedroom as he is in general. Maybe that’s the reason Lori’s with him because let’s face it, I can’t think of any other fucking reasons. I walk around the room, taking in everything I see. It’s minimalist, just like him. There are a few lamps, some decorative pillows and a couple of plants. I walk over to one and tug on a leaf, expecting it to be plastic but of course it’s real. I take back what I said about him not being terrible in bed. She’s obviously with him for his thriving house plants. Meanwhile, I can’t even keep a cactus alive.
I walk over to the closet and open it up. I ignore the row of boring shirts and instead look up at the box on the top shelf. Maybe whatever is kept inside of it will help me understand their relationship more. Maybe he’s an undercover agent, posing as a boring dentist. Maybe the box contains his badge and gun.
Or maybe it’s full of crap.
A teddy bear, some photo albums, a couple of old chess trophies and a leather-bound book. Surely it contains something important. I open it up and burst out laughing. Well, well, well…it looks like somebody has been doing some late night studying.
I flick through and stop on page twenty six – ‘the peg’. Not one of my personal favorites. I turn the page and tilt my head to the side. The good old ‘butter churner’. I forgot how fun that one can be. My dick is rock solid by the time I reach ‘the waterfall’. I think back to the last time I tried it. The blood rush to my head gave me one of the best orgasms of my life. Of course I repaid Lori the favor afterwards. I quickly flick through the rest of the book, keeping a mental tally of all the positions we’ve tried. I put it back inside the box when it dawns on me that he might have done the same ones with her too. I shut the closet door and jump when I see Lori standing in the doorway.
Busted.
“What the hell are you doing in here?” she asks, folding her arms.
“I wanted to see where you sleep.”
“Because that isn’t creepy...”
“I wanted to see where you fuck him,” I clarify.
She stands up straighter. “Please don’t start.” Too late. I sit down on the edge of his bed. “Stand up.”
“Why?” I bounce up and down a couple of times. “It’s comfortable. A little springy but hey, you know me, I’m not fussy.”
“Stop it.”
I pat the spot next to me. “Come and sit down.”
“Jesus, Buzz. Will you just stop and take a look at yourself? First you snooped through his things and now you’re sitting on his damn bed. This isn’t fair.”
“Oh, are we talking about fairness? Okay, I’ve got one. It’s not fair that he gets to fuck you in this bed just because I made a little mistake. I’m only human, Lor. Don’t you think you’ve punished me enough?”
She closes the door behind her. “A little mistake? A little mistake? You broke my heart.”
Her words cut like a knife. “Then let me put the pieces back together. Let me heal you.”
“John was there to pick up the pieces. He’s still picking up the pieces.”
“And now what? You’re staying with him because you feel like you owe him something? You feel indebted? John can’t heal you, Lori. It has to be me.”
She begins to pace up and down. “And then what, Buzz? What happens after you heal me? How long until you go and fucking break me again?”
I stand up. “I won’t. That’s where you’ve got it all wrong. I’ve changed.”
She stops pacing. “Well so have I.”
“But we haven’t. Whatever happens, there will always be us.”
“Just leave, Buzz. I wasn’t joking when I told you to take Hannah with you. It’s so obvious she wants to sleep with you.”
“I don’t want her. I only want you. Do you want to know something really fucked up?”
“No.”
I tell her anyway. “The thought of fucking you in his bed turns me on so goddamn much.”
She throws her arms up in the air. “Oh my god, there you go again! I’m trying to have a serious conversation but all you can think about is sex. It’s all one big game to you, isn’t it? You just want to prove that you can have me again.”
“You’re wrong.” I pause. “I already know that I can have you.”
I should have stopped talking.
“You’re such an arrogant asshole.”
“I didn’t mean it like that.”
“Yes, you did. This all boils down to your ego. You’ve dragged John into some pathetic pissing contest where I’m the prize. Well do you know what, Buzz? You can’t win me. I’m not some kind of trophy.”
“I know you’re not.” The box containing the chess trophy flashes through my mind. “Did you know that he has a Kama Sutra stashed away up there?”
She scowls. “Just leave. Leave right now.”
I chuckle. “Aww, come on, I’m just trying to lighten the mood.”
“No, you’re being a dick.”
“If I was being a dick, I’d ask why he needs an instruction manual.”
“Not everybody has fucked a thousand women a thousand different ways.”
Ouch. “Does he stop mid-fuck to consult the book?”
“Do I have to drag you out of here?” she seethes.
“Have you learned any new moves to show me?”
She grabs hold of my arm in an attempt to physically remove me
, but I pull her to me in one swift movement. My dick twitches when I feel her nipples harden against my chest. “Is sex with John as beige as his carpets?”
“I’m not talking to you about my sex life.”
“I’ll take that as a yes. Don’t you miss it?”
“Miss what?”
“Our mind-blowing sex. I know that I do.”
“Buzz…”
“Do you remember the time I covered your pussy in ice cream? Do you remember how cold it felt? How good it felt? Do you remember how warm my tongue was when I licked it all off?” She closes her eyes and I’m absolutely positive she’s remembering how good it felt. “I’ll never be able to look at ice cream in the same way again. Whenever I see it at the store or on TV, I think of you. I think of you coming in my mouth. I think about how you tasted like cookie dough.”
Her eyes snap open, drunk with pure lust. “Why are you doing this?”
“Doing what? Turning you on?”
“I warned you. When you first showed up here tonight, I warned you.”
“Since when do I ever listen to warnings?”
“You can’t keep doing this. This is his house. This is his bedroom.”
“And you’re my girl.”
She doesn’t deny it.
She can’t deny it.
We stare at each other for what feels like minutes.
And then we’re kissing.
And my hands are in her hair.
And her hands are unbuttoning my jeans.
And then she’s pushing me away. “No. We can’t. Not like this.” She closes her eyes, her breathing heavy. When she opens them again, her eyes are the darkest I’ve ever seen them. Haunted by memories. Burning with desire. If I looked close enough, I’d probably be able to see actual flames. The same flames I’ll burn in when I get to hell. But I’d rather go to hell for having her than live in my own version of hell on earth for not having her. I lean in and that’s all it takes because we’re kissing again.
And her legs wrap around my waist.
And I’m walking backwards.
And we’re on the bed.
His bed.
And she’s rubbing up against my dick.
And I’m biting through cotton to get to her nipples.
And I’m about to fuck her.
I swear to god I’m about to fuck her right here, right now.
And the door creaks.
And…
The door.
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!” Sophia says, closing the door behind her. “Are you out of your fucking minds?” she whispers angrily. “John is downstairs!” She points to the floorboards. “Right there! Literally sitting right underneath you!” Lori scrambles to get off me and I instantly miss her body on mine. “If you want each other this bad then why the fuck are you not together? Why are we even here in this damn house?”
“It’s not that simple,” Lori replies, defensively.
“Well you’re going to have to help me out here because it seems pretty simple from the outside looking in. You obviously still want each other.”
“Of course I still want him,” Lori snaps. “Just look at him! He’s never going to magically stop being my type, is he?”
“So then it’s just a physical attraction? That’s all this is? Just sex?”
We both look at Lori and I hold my breath as I wait for her to answer. “Yes…no…I mean, I don’t know. Maybe.”
“You’ve just given me four answers,” she replies.
“My mind is all over the place.”
“Well you need to sort your shit out. How am I supposed to go downstairs and look John in the eye when I’ve just seen the way you were looking at another man in his bedroom?”
“Why are you making this about you?” Lori huffs. “This isn’t your problem. You think that you feel bad? Well how do you think it makes me feel looking him in the eye?”
“If it made you feel that bad then you wouldn’t be cheating on him in the first place.”
“I’m not cheating on him.”
“Oh, so you’re just dry humping? Does Buzz suck on all of his friends’ nipples?” She holds a hand up to me. “Don’t you dare answer that, smartass.”
“Why are you acting like this?” Lori asks Sophia, her eyes filling with tears. “You’re supposed to be my best friend. You’re supposed to support me.”
“I’m trying, Lori. I’m really trying. But it’s hard when you’re turning into a person I don’t recognize. We spent years trapping those cheating bastards. Years. And now you’re turning into one of them.”
“How can you even say that?”
“Because it’s true. To John, you’re no different to any of the cheaters we trapped.”
“And to you? Am I different to you?”
“Of course you’re different but your behavior is the same. That’s why I’m so upset. This isn’t you. You need to decide what you want. Who you want.”
“What I want and who I want are two completely different things.”
“What do you even mean by that?” Sophia asks, narrowing her eyes.
I stand up. “I know what she means. I’m the who but she doesn’t want me. She wants what she has with him. She wants the security. The calm. That’s the life she wants. The life she needs.”
“Is that right?” Sophia asks her.
Lori nods, a tear falling down her cheek. “I wish that John was the only person in my head and my heart. I wish it was that straight forward. Do you really think that I want to have these feelings for Buzz? I would switch them off if I had the chance.”
My heart breaks as I take a step closer to her. “Do you…do you really mean that?” She looks at me for a long moment and then nods. So this is what heartbreak feels like. I begin to back out of the room.
“Buzz…” she says. “Wait.”
I can’t. I can’t bear to stand in front of her any longer. I can’t listen to how she so desperately wants to love another man, even when she knows he isn’t right for her. How she would rather settle than be with me. How even though she still has feelings for me, I’m so unworthy and so unlovable that she would choose to erase them all if she could. And the most heartbreaking thing about all of this is that however terrible I’m feeling right now, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I would never choose to erase these feelings because erasing them would mean erasing her.
I head for the toilet and lock the door behind me. I walk over to the sink before splashing my face with cold water. I consider what to do next and decide that the most sensible thing is to go home. I’ll take a quick piss then slip out unnoticed. John would be ecstatic to hear that I was leaving and I’d be ecstatic to punch him in his smug face. I refuse to give Lori any more excuses as to why John is better for her than I am.
I open the door as quietly as I can and pause for a moment at the top of the stairs. I can’t hear Lori or Sophia but the bedroom door is closed so they must still be inside. I thought Soph was on my team but now I’m not so sure. I would never want to lose her as a friend, but I’ll always put Lori first.
I begin to descend the stairs when John appears at the bottom of them, looking pissed. I pause when I notice that he’s looking at my…dick? I’m confused and a little weirded out until I look down and see that my zipper is undone. I’m a little drunk and a lot hurt, and I know that what I’m about to do is wrong but it’s also wrong that he gets to call Lori his girlfriend. I smirk, trying to copy the smug look on his face from earlier as I pull my zipper up, exaggerating the movement.
He looks like he hates me even more than I hate him but of course that’s not possible. I purposely walk down the stairs as slowly as I can, letting him stew. By the time I’ve reached the bottom, I can practically see steam coming off him. “Where’s Lori?” he grunts.
“I don’t know,” I answer honestly. “Maybe try your bedroom.”
“What did you do?”
“I did what I needed to do, John.”
He clenches
his fists. “Stay away from her or I swear I’ll…”
“You’ll do what?” I ask, squaring up to him. “Throw mouthwash over me? Drill some holes into my teeth? You won’t do anything and we both know it. Whoever Lori wants to be with is her decision, not ours.”
“Leave my house. Now.”
“Don’t worry, I was already leaving. There’s way too much beige for my liking…except for the lovely splash of red in your bedroom, of course. What shade is that? Scarlet?” I laugh when he pushes me. “Don’t start something that you can’t finish, John.”
His eyes are narrowed and full of hate. “I won’t give her up without a fight.”
“Neither will I.”
“She’s way too good for you. She’s the most intelligent woman I’ve ever met except for when it comes to you. I guess we all have our downfalls.”
“I already know that she’s too good for me. Why do you think I’m fighting so hard for her?”
“If you really loved her, you would let her go.”
“That’s bullshit. Love isn’t about giving up. Love is the only thing worth fighting for.”
“I could give her a good life.”
I look up when there’s a noise at the top of the stairs. Lori and Sophia stop walking when they see us. Lori quickly wipes at her eyes and plasters on a fake smile even though there’s really no need. “I know that you could,” I reply to John. “But I could give her an extraordinary one.” I nod at Lori before walking past John and straight out of the door.
The water is hot.
No. Boiling.
My skin is red, my hands are crinkly, and my heart is hurting.
I don’t know how long I’ve been standing in the shower, but I should probably get out because the constant stream of water has made my whole upper body numb.
I climb out and wrap a towel around my waist before going in search of my phone. I have no idea what time it is. All I know is that I left John’s house around nine thirty and came straight home so that I could feel sorry for myself in peace. In other words, I ate a shit ton of peanut butter while listening to a playlist called ‘Life sucks’. I decided to turn it off and take a shower when the lyrics to a song from The Greatest Showman hit a little too close to home. ‘Run away, they say. No one will love you as you are.’ Yep, that pretty much sums up how I’m feeling right about now. Unwanted. Unworthy. Unlovable.