Charles looked startled by her words. “Why’s that? I’ve only been there a few times.” How could anyone think he was something special? He did nothing for the orphans that Lily hadn’t browbeaten him into doing.
“Because you let Lady Lily teach us every day when she was here, and you helped support us financially. You made things better for us all.”
“I did what Lily wanted me to do.”
Alice nodded. “Your father never helped us, but you’ve been wonderful.” She turned back to the fire to rub her hands together to warm. “Thank you for all you did for us.”
“I wish I could have done more,” he said. “I know you had to leave as soon as you were old enough to be on your own. We all need to do more so you have a little more time to find positions.”
“You’ve done so much more than most.”
Constance watched the exchange between the two of them with surprise. Charles seemed to be very embarrassed by the praise from Alice, which she found interesting. Most of the nobleman of her acquaintance had bragged about everything they did when they helped others. To see someone do it quietly surprised her a great deal. It showed her a new aspect to Charles that she admired more than she was willing to admit, even to herself.
Chapter Four
Constance found herself watching the clock all through the following day. Charles would be there to take her to his home for dinner at six, and she was both nervous and excited. Alice had squealed when she told her she’d agreed to have dinner with him just to get him to stop sending gifts to the shop.
As soon as they finished work, Alice pushed Constance onto her bed and fussed with her hair. “Oh, you need to wear it just so for Lord Charles. He watches you like he wants to eat you for dinner.”
Constance shivered at the thought. “Well, he certainly watches me closely. He makes me nervous.”
“He just wants to take you away from your life of toil and despair!”
Constance laughed. “No, he wants me to move into his house and be his mistress.” She hadn’t meant to say the words, but they popped out of her mouth without her thinking about them. She still couldn’t believe he’d asked her to be his mistress. Did she really seem like a woman with loose morals?
Alice let out a squeal. “You said ‘yes,’ didn’t you?”
Constance shook her head. “My father would roll over in his grave if I became any man’s mistress. My grandfather was a vicar, and I was raised to be a good Christian. Having that kind of relationship with a man without the benefit of marriage is not something I could do.”
Alice sat down on the bed beside Constance and took her hand. “I really think you should. I know that seems crazy, but I’ve seen the way he looks at you. He’s not just thinking of you as an object of his lust. He cares about you.”
“We just met last night! He doesn’t care about me. He’s only interested in my favors.” She stood and peered in the tiny mirror on the wall. “I wish I could just not go. When he kisses me, I lose all my senses.” She shouldn’t have even thought about his kisses. Her lips started tingling again at the mere thought of his lips against hers.
“He kissed you?” Alice’s eyes were wide. “Did you like his kisses? Johnny at the orphanage used to kiss me all the time, before he left to work in a coal mine. I liked it when he kissed me.”
Constance looked at the younger girl with surprise. “You were kissing the other orphans?” She couldn’t believe the sweet eighteen year old orphan in front of her had more experience with the opposite sex than she did.
Alice shrugged, her eyes full of mischief. “Well what else were we supposed to do on cold winter nights?”
Constance shook her head with a laugh. “I think you’re a lot naughtier than people know when they first meet you, Alice.”
Alice smiled. “Of course, I am. It’s what makes me so much fun!”
There was a knock on the door then, and Constance took a deep breath, her hand going to her flat stomach. She was wearing her best dress, but it was old and worn. Mrs. Jackson had promised they would make her a new church dress as soon as they had a lull in business, but business seemed to pick up a little more every day. She walked to the door and opened it, staring out at the man standing on her doorstep. He held a huge bouquet of flowers in his hand that he presented to her with a bow. “Your carriage awaits, milady.”
Constance couldn’t help but laugh at his formal manners. “You’re silly. I’m supposed to be curtsying to you. You shouldn’t bow to me!” She gave the bouquet to Alice as she took his arm. “Put those in water for me please. I’ll be home early.”
Charles called back over his shoulder, “Not if I can talk her into staying out late.” He took her to the carriage and helped her up, taking the seat beside her instead of across from her. “Tomorrow’s Sunday. You have the day off, don’t you?”
Constance nodded. “I do. That doesn’t mean I’ll be out until all hours, though.” He obviously was trying to push her to stay with him, and she wasn’t going to do it. She had morals even if he didn’t.
“Oh, of course not. You could stay at my house, though. There are so many bedrooms you could choose one, and I might not find you for days,” he exaggerated. He didn’t add that he’d search until she was found with the help of all the servants if necessary.
“I don’t think that would be wise, but thank you for your offer.” She fiddled with the gloves she wore, the gloves he’d sent her as a gift. “I’m not sure what you want from me.”
Charles put his arm around her shoulders and settled comfortably beside her. “Nothing you don’t want to give. I promise.” He buried his face in her hair as he spoke, obviously thrilled to have her beside him again.
“I don’t think this is a good idea. I should have stayed at home with Alice.”
He brushed his lips against her cheek. “This is a very good idea. We’ll talk and get to know one another better. You said your parents were gentry?”
She nodded. “Yes they were, and then I was with Lady Graves for eight years.” Eight very long years. She didn’t tell him that, though. She’d been taught to never complain. Lady Graves had provided shelter and food for her belly. It hadn’t always been champagne and roses, but very little in life was.
“Did you enjoy your position with her?” Charles had his own opinions of the lady in question, but he didn’t want to color her response.
Constance thought hard before answering. “I was grateful to her for giving me a place to go after my parents’ death. I don’t know where I would have been otherwise. I had no family and nowhere to go.”
“That’s not what I’m asking. What was it like to work for her?”
Constance shrugged, again choosing her words carefully. “She was very set in her ways, but as long as I did what she wanted, and did it well, she was happy.” She didn’t add that she was never able to do things exactly the way the other woman wanted. If Constance took her hot chocolate in the mornings, Lady Graves wanted tea. If Constance took her tea, then Lady Graves had always wanted chocolate in the mornings. Nothing was ever good enough, but Constance had done her job without complaining.
“She was an old harridan.” Charles’s voice was filled with animosity as he made his declaration.
Constance bit her lip to stifle her giggle. She wouldn’t agree with him, because she felt too much loyalty to the old…harridan, but she was thrilled deep down that others had seen her for what she was. “Don’t speak ill of the dead,” she chastised.
He laughed. “Well, you won’t, and someone has to!”
Her laughter erupted from her chest. “You’re horrible.” How could she laugh at something that was said with so much spite?
“So was she! She used to chase the children from the orphanage off her property. Everyone hated her.” Charles may have been exaggerating a bit when he said everyone hated her, but most people in the area had not been fond of her.
Constance sighed. “She gave me a home when no one else would. I will be forever g
rateful to her for that.”
He shook his head. “I’m sure you worked twenty times harder than anyone else she’d hired, so she was happy with you.” He squeezed her hand. “You’re a good woman, Constance.”
“I try to be.” She thought about what Alice had said about how she should take him up on his offer, and she knew she couldn’t. He thought she was a good woman. His opinion of her would change drastically if she became his mistress.
They pulled up in front of his house, and he waited until the coachman put the steps down before he helped her down. “I’m glad you decided to accept my dinner invitation.”
Constance laughed. “You didn’t really leave me with any choice.” She was glad now that she was there, though. She wanted him to be with her every minute and was glad to have this special time with him.
He smiled mischievously. “I needed to get to know you. I’ve learned to get my way over the years.”
“It must be nice being an earl.”
He thought about that for a moment, even though she obviously hadn’t meant it as a question. “It can be. Lately I find myself wishing that I’d been born to a different family though and had a different fate.” He looked into her eyes as he told her that, making it clear that it was her he’d change his fate for.
“Why would you ever wish that?” Constance couldn’t understand what he would have to complain about when he’d been born into money and influence.
“If I had been born the butcher’s son, you’d be planning our wedding today. I was born the son of an earl, though, so I don’t get to marry the only woman I’ve ever met who has made me even think about spending my life with her. Instead, I have to go to town and look over the ladies on the marriage mart. What was it that Lily called them?” He thought for a moment. “Oh yes, ‘the mass of marriage-minded misses.’” He took her hand and brought it to his lips. “Today, I want to be Tom the baker’s son. Would you pretend with me? We’ll talk about how wonderful our lives will be as we plan how many children we’ll have and what their names will be.”
Constance frowned. “I can’t pretend that, because when I go home, you’ll still be an earl, and I’ll still be the woman who works the front counter of the only seamstress in the village.” She shook her head. Her heart would be broken giving up the beautiful dream. No, she had to keep her feet firmly on the ground where they belonged.
Charles put her hand in the curve of his arm and led her into the house. “You can’t pretend just for one night that we have a future ahead of us? That we’re going to marry and have a huge number of little blond babies.”
She smiled up at him. “I’d rather they were dark like you.” She hadn’t meant to let those words escape her lips. She had to stop playing along with him.
He led her to the dining room and pulled out the chair beside his. After he’d taken his seat, the soup was served, and she picked up her spoon for her first bite. “Do you want children, my lord?”
“Please call me Charles. At least for tonight, our one special night together, call me by my name.” His voice practically begged her to agree.
“Of course, Charles.” It was too important to him for her to agree. She would do anything to make him happy. Anything but compromise her morals of course.
“I do want children. I didn’t before, but suddenly, all I can think about is having children.” He took her hand in his. “And making children of course. I would be honored to make children with you.” He brushed the palm of her hand with a kiss, sending a shiver down her spine.
Constance blushed. “If you were to make children with me, they would be bastards. You’d never marry me, so your children would never see the kind of wealth and privilege you expect in life.”
“Why do you say that?” He didn’t understand her argument, but he was more than ready to hear her out and rebut it. He had to rebut it, because he needed her in his life.
She sighed. “I know that noblemen don’t marry their mistresses. I may have been raised in the country, but I’m not ignorant.” She almost wished she hadn’t known better, because it would have made her happy for a time to be with him, but she couldn’t do it.
“Constance, I’d marry you tomorrow if I could.”
She shrugged. “You can’t, though. I can see that as well as you can.” She knew he could if he chose to, but what nobleman would choose to risk his reputation to marry a shop girl? Why would anyone do that?
“So move in with me. I won’t marry anyone. It will be like we’re married. I’ll send my brother to represent me in parliament, and we’ll stay here in the country rusticating. We can have babies. They’ll never know the difference.” His voice was pleading as he made his case. He had to have her beside him, whether he understood why himself or not.
She shook her head. “I’ll know the difference. I can’t do that to my children. I can’t do that to myself.” She stared down at her soup, suddenly angry with the whole situation. “I wasn’t born into wealth. My family was poor. We always had food in our bellies, but we didn’t have the kind of wealth you have. I’ve never expected to be the wife of a nobleman. It’s not something I’ve ever aspired to. I look at you, though, and I see so many possibilities. I see a man I could be genuinely happy with, but who won’t see me because we’re not of the same class. I’m just a toy to you.” She wanted to be more though. She’d never wanted anything in her life as much as she wanted to be of noble birth at that moment.
He threw down his napkin. “A toy? You are a woman to me. A beautiful loving woman. I want to spend my life with you, but I don’t have a choice.”
She shrugged. “What’s the good of being an earl if you won’t marry the person you want to marry? You can’t make any real choices. It sounds to me like you’re more limited in life than Johnny the baker’s son, and that’s really ridiculous.” And deep down she knew he could make the choice if he wanted to. That’s what upset her so much. He acted as if he had no choices in the world, but he did. He could marry her. He chose not to.
“Sometimes it is.” He shook his head. “I want to spend my life with you, Constance. I saw you and knew you were the woman meant for me. Please come live with me in my huge house.” He’d never expected the world to be handed to him on a silver platter. He’d wanted so few things in life, and the one he wanted more than anything was out of reach? Why?
“I can’t. Don’t you understand? You say you care for me, for the person I am. Well, the person I am would be giving up everything she believes in if she moved in here as your mistress. I just can’t do it.”
Charles nodded, obviously willing to admit defeat. “Will you still have dinner with me? We can be…friends? We can eat together once a week or so…keep up with each other.” He knew he was asking for something that could never be, but he didn’t want to lose her. If he never saw her, then he could never convince her to be his.
Constance shook her head. “I can’t do that. Don’t you see that when I look at you, all I can think about is what could be if you were just willing to go against what you believe. Or I was willing to go against what I believe.” She met his eyes for the first time since they’d begun their conversation. “My heart would break a little more every time I saw you.”
He sighed, pushing his soup away. “At least we have tonight. I’ll take what I can get.”
She smiled a wistful smile. “Tonight is for us.”
They didn’t talk about the future again as they ate their meal. Afterward, he took her into his parlor, and they chatted like old friends. She’d never felt an immediate affinity to someone she’d just met before, and it was odd how very close she felt to him right away. On the drive back to the village, she was silent, not wanting the night to end, and knowing he didn’t either.
“What’s your biggest fear?” he asked as they drove up to the shop. “What frightens you so much you just don’t think you could have a relationship with me? I don’t want you to get out of this coach and leave my life forever.” He had to make one last attempt to
keep her. Something had to work.
“I couldn’t have a child without being married. He’d be a child raised in two worlds. You say we’d have a home with you, but he’d never be able to inherit. He’d be used to living the life of the nobility, but never really fit in with others. How would that be all right?”
“I don’t know how to answer that. I can assure you that my family would treat him right, but I can make no promises for others. I guess we could just never leave the country.” He knew she’d never agree, but he had to try. He couldn’t let her get out of the coach without agreeing to see him again.
She shook her head sadly. “I couldn’t do that, Charles. It wouldn’t work out.” Constance desperately hoped he’d ignore the problems, and just ask her to marry him. They were two people, standing among all the people of the world, with a true connection. How could he not see they belonged together?
Charles put his arm around her shoulders and hugged her to him, his cheek resting atop her head. “I don’t want to let you go.”
She felt a tear trickle from the corner of her eye. “You have to. You don’t belong in my world, and I can’t live in yours. Not in a way that would let me keep my pride.”
He cupped his face in her hands and lowered his lips to hers. The most wonderful woman he’d ever met, the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with was about to step down out of his coach and leave his life forever. How could he let her do that?
Constance felt the same desperation rushing through her that Charles did. She grasped the back of his head, winding her fingers through his hair, as she kissed him back, her tongue meeting his. She knew this was goodbye forever, and she couldn’t bear to let him go. It was the only thing in the world that made sense, but she still couldn’t bear it.
He kissed her as if his life depended on it, and it felt like it did. He had seconds to convince her to take a chance. “Please, come home with me. I can’t let this be goodbye.”
She wrapped her arms tightly around him and hugged him close. “You know where to find me if you ever decide you don’t mind doing something to mess up your life forever like…oh…marry a woman with nothing.” She kissed his cheek quickly and pulled away, climbing down the steps that had already been lowered and disappeared into her room.
Courting Constance (Fountain of Love) Page 4