by E. K. Blair
“Maybe you should talk to her about seeing a therapist or something.”
“Yeah, I’ll try, but I know she’ll just shut me down,” I say and then hear the shower turn off.
“God, I feel so bad for her,” he says in a soft breath, and I am right there with him, feeling the pain.
“I know. She’s getting out of the shower, so I need to let you go.”
“Okay. I love you.”
“I love you too. I’ll call you later.”
I go ahead and grab Candace some clothes from her dresser and take them to her in the bathroom. She gets dressed and throws her hair up on top of her head. I take her hand and pull her into bed with me and hold onto her. She clings to me and buries her head in my chest.
Whispering, I ask, “Another nightmare?”
“Yeah,” she breathes out.
“Wanna talk about it?”
“No.”
Pulling her hairband out, I start combing my fingers through the wet strands.
“I really think you should talk to someone about this.”
“Jase. Please don’t.”
“I know you don’t want to, but it’s been a couple of months and I feel like you’re just sinking further away. I’m worried.”
“It’s fine. I just need a little more time to pass,” she says, and I kiss the top of her head.
Time. She believes time is all she needs and everything will just fade away. She’s living in denial, and I don’t know how to get through to her. I have tried so many times in my own way, but she avoids the conversations every time. I just need her to be okay, and she is so far from it. She’s just deteriorating into a shadow of what she used to be. My heart has never ached as much as it does for her.
“You don’t have to stay here,” she mumbles against my chest, and she’s crazy if she thinks I’m leaving her here alone after what I just saw.
“I’m not leaving you.”
It takes a while, but eventually she falls into a fit of restless sleep. I check the time on my phone and see that it’s nearing seven o’clock. I hate to wake her, but I do anyway.
“Candace,” I whisper, not wanting to startle her out of her sleep. “Candace, wake up.”
“Mmm,” she moans in response.
“It’s almost seven. Why don’t you go ahead and take your pill for the night since you’re so tired.”
She nudges her head against me before lifting it up to look at me.
“Where are they?” I ask.
“In the bathroom in the second drawer.”
I slide out from underneath her and grab a pill from the bottle. When I walk back to her, I hand her the half bottle of water already on her nightstand along with the pill.
She sits up on the edge of the bed and when she sets the water down, she looks up at me and says, “I’m sorry.”
I sit next to her and hold her hand. “Never be sorry for needing me.” I lean in and give her a kiss. “I will always be here for you.”
I stayed with Candace all night last night. We barely got any sleep ‘cause she kept having night terrors. Although I’m tired, I’m going to go hang out at Blur while Mark’s band plays tonight. He already left to go meet the guys to run through some new songs they’ll be playing tonight, so I text Ryan to let him know I’m on my way there.
Ryan and I have been hanging out a bit more lately. He’s a cool guy to chill with, so he stops by every now and then to have a beer and watch TV. And whatever funk he was in when I first met him seems to have dissipated a bit and he has become a little less intense and moody.
I pull around to the back lot of Blur and park my car. When I go in, I head up to Ryan’s office to hang out for a bit.
When I walk in, he is sitting behind his desk drinking a beer and flipping through a pile of papers.
“Hey, man,” I say before walking over to the small steel fridge that sits on the floor behind his desk.
As I grab a beer, he says, “Can you toss me another one of those?”
I pop the caps and hand him a bottle before I sit down. “So, you been up here all day?”
“Pretty much. You know how Saturdays are—crazy as hell all day.” He takes a long swig of his beer and then says, “Missed you last night. Mark said you got hung-up with a friend.”
“Yeah, sorry about that. She’s been going through a rough time, so I decided to stay with her last night.” I was supposed to go out to a private concert to hear one of the bands that Gavin had just signed. I told Mark to go ahead and go when I decided to stay the night with Candace.
“You missed a pretty good show.”
“That’s what Mark said.”
Ryan laughs and says, “Your guy’s a little crazy when he drinks.”
“I’m not even gonna ask, but he was in a piss-ass mood when I saw him earlier,” I say through my laughter as I shake my head.
“Ha! I bet. He drank a shitload, probably hungover as fuck.”
We both laugh when the door opens and Mark walks through. “What’s so funny?” he asks as he stands there.
“You, man,” Ryan says.
“If this is about last night, I don’t even wanna know what the hell I did. My head has been pounding all damn day, and now I have to play for the next two hours.”
“Go find Max. He always has earplugs,” Ryan tells him.
“Not a bad idea.” Looking at me, he asks, “Can I stay with you tonight? My new roommate just decided to tell me that he’s throwing a party tonight.”
“Yeah, no problem.”
“Well, I gotta run. I just wanted to catch you,” he says and then turns to leave.
Mark has been keeping more distance between us when we are out, knowing that it still makes me uncomfortable. I hate that he feels like he has to do that for me. I know I need to get over it and try to force myself to show more affection with him when we are around others. I just need to push myself to take that step. But now I need to be honest and tell him about Preston. I never even felt like it was something I ever had to disclose to him, but now, knowing that they know each other, makes what happened relevant.
When Ryan and I walk down, I head over to the bar to say hi to Mel. We talk off and on, like we usually do, while I sip my beer.
“What’s up with Mark?” she asks as she nods her head towards the stage.
Turning to look at him, I laugh at the crap mood you can tell he’s in and the neon orange earplugs he’s wearing. I look back at Mel, and say, “He’s hungover.”
“That sucks.”
I look over to see Ryan being mauled by some redhead. He normally pushes off every girl that comes his way, so I’m a bit shocked, and just laugh as I turn back to Mel.
“Looks like he’s back to his old self,” she says with a smirk before walking away to help some customers.
After some time has passed, I watch Ryan take that chick out the back by her hand.
“Hey, Mel,” I holler down the bar. When she looks up at me, I say, “You think I could get a bottle of water when you get a chance?”
“Sure, hun.”
I overhear the two girls next to me talking about Mark and how the one girl plans to slip him her number. This isn’t the first time I’ve heard this. Girls are all over his junk, and lately it’s been making me feel more possessive of him. Everyone assumes he’s single and straight because I’m so self-conscious of what people will think of me if they saw us simply holding hands.
I continue to eavesdrop as they start downing shots and getting drunk. The band takes a break between sets and Mark approaches me as he lifts up the hem of his shirt to wipe the sweat off his forehead, exposing his abs, which the drunken girls thoroughly enjoy. Sitting next to me, his elbows propped up on the bar, I take a big push and lay my arm up on the bar and hold his hand, lacing my fingers with his. He looks over at me and into my eyes as he smiles. I know this gesture means a lot to him, and all that really matters is that this makes him happy.
Chasten comes over to grab a beer, standing n
ext to us.
“Oh my God!” one of the girls yells out, drunk off her ass, and the three of us look over at her. She’s laughing and shaking her head as she looks at Mark before slurring, “You’re a fag?”
I jerk my hand away from his, and my neck heats from fear and embarrassment.
“You’re fucking wasted and need to watch the shit you say,” Chasten barks at her.
I stand up and start walking away, needing to get out of this situation when I hear her continue, “I would have never guessed he was queer.”
When I look back, I see Mark following me and Chasten grabbing the girl’s elbow, dragging her out. I walk through the back door and out into the parking lot, welcoming the cool mist that’s falling.
“Jase, wait!” Mark shouts from behind me, pleading me to stop, but I don’t want to.
Walking to my car, I say over my shoulder, “I just need space, man.” But I need so much more than space.
“That girl was drunk and a total bitch. Don’t let her upset you.”
When I reach my car, I turn around to him and say, “I’m not upset.” Embarrassed. Ashamed. Humiliated.
Walking up to me, he backs me up against the side of the car. “Well you’re something and you shouldn’t be. I don’t want you to be.”
I hang my head down before looking back up at him. “I’m irritated.” I then admit, “The thing is . . . you get a lot of attention from girls, and I feel invisible when what I really want is for people to know that you’re mine. But I don’t know how to do that.”
“You don’t have to do anything. You know I’m yours. I don’t see anyone else but you.” He reaches down and holds my hand. “People will always say shit, but you need to let it go.”
“I’m trying.”
“I know you are,” he says as he slides his free hand around my waist and kisses me. “Come on. Let’s go,” he says and then walks around to the passenger door.
“What are you doing? You still have another set to play.”
“I’m done. My head is pounding, and I feel like shit.” He opens the door and hops in.
When I slide into the driver’s seat, Mark pulls out his cell. “I’ll text Chasten and have him tell the guys.”
“Are they gonna be pissed?”
Reaching over and grabbing my hand, he says, “I don’t care. I just want to go home and lie down.”
I begin to stir and slowly wake up. When I roll over, Mark isn’t there. I lie there for a bit when I hear soft voices coming from the living room. Walking out, I’m surprised to see Candace in Mark’s arms, crying quietly on the couch. Her head is buried in his chest, so she doesn’t see me, and I don’t say anything. Mark looks at me with a slight shake of his head, so I just sit in the chair and stay quiet.
I hurt for her. Seeing her broken and hopeless tears me up inside. I hate the thought that she was so scared or upset that she had to drive here in the middle of the night. I want to hold her, but I let Mark take care of her.
“Wanna talk about it?” he quietly asks her, and when she lifts her splotchy, tear-stained face, she looks over at me.
I give her a reassuring nod, and she looks back at Mark and whispers, “I’m sorry. I . . . I just didn’t want to be alone, but . . . I guess I just didn’t think you’d be here. I’m not used to Jase having a boyfriend.” She stumbles over her words and closes her eyes when she continues. “I’m just so tired.”
“I know,” Mark says as he brushes her hair behind her ear. He tucks her head under his chin, and she clings to him. Mark and I stare at each other across the dark room as he holds her, and I know I’m in deep with him. I love him so much.
Mark has completely been there for me in the past couple months, giving me strength and a shoulder to lean on. I’ve never had that before. I never knew I needed that until him.
Standing up, I walk over and pull Candace up off the couch, and hug her. When Mark starts heading back to the bedroom, I take her hand and follow. She slides into bed with Mark and I on either side. Facing her, I wipe her cheeks with my thumbs and give her a kiss.
“I’m sorry I barged in.”
“You didn’t. I’d rather you be here with us than alone and scared.”
“I just don’t know how much longer I can do this,” she says. “He’s always there at night, and it’s so hard lying in the dark, waiting to fall asleep. But I never know if he’s gonna be there too—in my dreams.”
Mark curls in around her from behind and tells her, “You need to talk to someone.”
I watch as her face scrunches up and she begins to cry again. Leaning my head against hers, she weeps, “I can’t.”
“You can. I know you’re scared, but you can,” Mark tries to convince her.
I look into Mark’s eyes and see the concern. I know Candace wants to ignore and forget. I don’t push it because she doesn’t need to hear it again. “You’ll get past this. There will be a time when it’ll begin to fade,” I tell her.
“But how long will that take?” she whimpers.
Mark wraps his arm over and around her waist, and wedges it in between Candace and me. “However long it takes, you have us, but Jase is right, it will eventually become easier.”
She closes her eyes and lets the tears seep out onto the pillow as I tighten my hold on her.
Even though I know she’s hurting, even though I know her pain is nearly unbearable, this is one of my most favorite places. Next to being in Mark’s arms, being with the two of them, like this, is a close second.
When I walk into the gym, I spot Ryan over by the free weights. I make my way back there and when he finishes his set of squats, he looks over and says, “Hey, man. I didn’t expect to see you here.”
“One of my classes was cancelled, so I wanted to come since I figured the afternoon would be dead.”
I walk over and start sliding the weights onto the barbell, securing them with clamps. Pumping out my sets of bench presses, Ryan stands above and spots me. “Got any plans this weekend?” he asks as he grabs the bar from my hands and sets it in the rack.
“No. Isn’t it Mark’s off weekend?” The band gets one Saturday off a month.
“Yeah.”
“We don’t normally do anything. Just hang out at home,” I tell him as I lie back down to start another set.
Ryan lifts the bar and places it in my hands. Pushing out my reps, he says, “I’ve got some extra tickets for a small concert at Spines if you guys are interested.”
Taking my time to finish my set, I don’t respond until he grabs the bar back out of my hands. “Who’s playing?”
“The xx.”
“No shit? How did you score something like that?” I ask as we switch places, and he lies down on the bench.
He grabs the bar, and I help lift it out of the cradle for him. Before he lowers it down to his chest, he says, “Gavin.”
The xx is Candace’s favorite band. She is constantly playing their music when she studies. The last few weeks, we have been trying to get her out of the house to go out with us, but she refuses. If I tell her about this, I am almost positive she wouldn’t turn it down.
Knowing she’s really freaked out with crowds, I ask, “How many people do you think are going?”
As I take the bar from him, he sits up and says, “Small, man. Hundred or so. You coming?”
“Yeah. You have three? A good friend of mine is a huge fan, but she doesn’t do well with a lot of people, you know?”
When he lies back down for another set, he asks, “Why’s that?”
“Paranoid, I guess,” I say, and then catch myself. I shouldn’t have said anything, knowing that she will most likely be meeting him.
He gives me a strange look and then says, “Yeah, I’ve got three,” before finishing his last set.
We continue lifting, working on arms, chest, and back for the next hour. When we finish up, I grab my bag and take out my cell to text Mark about Saturday. He’s spending the day with Candace, so I make sure to tell him to ke
ep his mouth shut until I can talk to her.
“You ready? I’ve got the tickets in my car,” Ryan says as he grabs his bag.
“Yeah, let me get out this last text to Mark.”
When I shove the phone into my bag, we start walking out and Ryan states, “So, you guys seem to be doing better.”
“Yeah. I mean, we weren’t ever not good. I was just . . .” I trail off, not really wanting to tell him too much, but when he prompts, “Just what?” I decide to tell him.
“I used to screw around a lot, so I wasn’t too quick on letting Mark in.”
Ryan nods and says, “I get that. I never get involved.”
I know why I never got involved, so I wonder what his reason could be. I go ahead and reveal, “I don’t like people judging me, so I used to put a lot distance between us when we’d go out together.”
When we get to his black Rubicon, he tosses his bag in the back seat and shuts the door, saying, “People who would judge are fuckin’ assholes. And I can assure you that no one that works for me would.”
“Thanks, but it’s my hang-up, and I know it.”
Opening up the driver’s side door, he reaches over to the center console and pulls out the tickets. He hands them to me and says, “Well, at least you’re working it out. So, I’ll see you guys Saturday?”
“Yeah. Thanks for these, man.”
“No problem. I gotta run, but I’ll catch up with you later,” he says as he hops up into his Jeep.
“Later,” I say and then turn towards my SUV.
I take the rest of the afternoon to study and finish writing a paper for one of my classes. Candace picked Mark up earlier today, so I’m about to head over to her house to get him. I grab the tickets that Ryan gave me, hoping that it will be enough to pull her out of her funk and go out with us.
I make the short drive through Fremont and into her neighborhood. The night is cold and misty, and when I get to her place, I let myself in. The house is dark and quiet. Walking into the kitchen, I see the two of them sitting around the fire pit in the backyard.
When I open the door and walk out, they both turn to look at me. “Hey, guys,” I say while I walk over to Mark to give him a kiss and then turn to kiss Candace. “What are you guys doing out here? It’s cold.”