Punish me for not being strong enough to earn him.
Punish me for being so weak that I chose to hate him instead of love him.
When the alarm went off, I tried to gently wake him up, and when he didn’t open his eyes, full on panic set in. “Marlo! MARLO!”
His eyes flashed open. “Holy shit, SP, are you trying to kill me?”
I smacked him in the arm. “You weren’t waking up!”
“So you yelled an inch from my face?” He winced and rubbed his eyes.
Yeah, maybe I’d been hopped up on caffeine a bit much. “Uh, yes… I did.”
“Oh I know you did, my ears are still ringing, careful or you’re going to turn me into an asshole again where I yell right back.” He smirked.
I rolled my eyes. “Once an asshole, always an—”
He grabbed me by the waist, tossed me onto the bed and straddled me. “Are you sure you’re up for it today?”
I was too busy staring at his growing erection and licking my lips wondering if I could have another taste.
“Hey, eyes up here, we’re not animals.” He snapped his fingers in front of my face.
“The hell we aren’t.” I jerked down his briefs, and as he sprang free, I let out a happy sigh. “For good luck?”
With a groan, he was already rolling onto his back pulling me with him. “Wasn’t I supposed to take things easy today?”
“Absolutely.” I clawed down his perfect naked chest, avoiding the band-aids the paramedic had applied to the small cuts from flying glass. “So, let me take care of you.”
His eyes hooded as I peeled my shirt over my head.
“For a spoiled princess you sure have fantastic ideas.”
“For an asshole you sure have a nice cock.”
He licked his lips and looked away. “You trying to make it hard for me to think about anything but pounding inside that perfect body?”
“Uh, yeah?” I winked and then we were together, perfectly in sync, perfectly us.
“YO!” Jackson waved a clipboard in front of my face. “Just check in on all the classes make sure everyone’s happy, and don’t forget you have to teach in an hour. Brax and I split Marlo’s responsibilities. Brax is bringing him lunch, I’m bringing dinner, and you, baby girl, get to bring dessert, rawr.”
“Oh… he already had that this morning.” I winked.
“I’ve never hated him more.” Jackson sighed and crossed his arms just as Jen walked up and gave me a forced smile.
“Everything okay?” I asked.
“Yup!” She sounded way too happy with my question and way too happy with her one word answer. “I was just going to see if you needed anything. I’ve got a lot of free time on my hands now that the guy I like decided to reject me.”
Jackson groaned.
“After sex,” she added.
Another groan from Jackson.
“Twice.”
Now a curse.
I glared at him while he just stared down at the ground.
“Actually…” I cleared my throat. “If you could just check on Marlo in the next hour that would be great, I’m sure he’s fine, but…”
“She worries,” Jackson added.
Jen didn’t even look at him, just flashed me a warm smile. “Absolutely. See you later, Ray.”
“I’m standing right here!” Jackson yelled.
“Ohhhhhh,” Jen turned around, “And Ray, you may want to get rid of the tiny dick standing next to you.” She flipped him off and kept walking.
I whistled. “Really? Really Jackson?” And then I was shoving him while he shoved me back. Apparently Marlo was the only real adult among us.
I pinched his arm.
“Ouch!” Jackson swore. “I have sensitive skin!”
“Bullshit! You need to stop poking your sensitive dick into other people who prefer your heart over your—” I sputtered. “Go apologize!”
“I did.” He hung his head. “You know… after.”
“What every girl dreams of, apologies after sex. Good job.”
Campers mulled around us, grabbing food and coffee, and there was Jackson staring after Jen, who wasn’t even in the room anymore.
He let out a rough sigh. “I think I love her.”
“Someone needs to muzzle you,” I grumbled. “You don’t tell a girl you THINK you love her. You either do or you don’t. Furthermore, why would you push her away if you love her?”
He shot me a glare. “Oh, gee I don’t know, why would I do that? Any clues Miss Perfect, oh wait, you and Marlo…”
I pinched him again. “We’re fine now.”
“Bullshit.” He snorted. “Sex ruins it, doesn’t fix it, so you had what? A conversation and now everything is perfect? No skeletons in the closet? No crazy banging down your door? Yeah, I say a hell no to that. Relationships take work and time, I would know, because I despise both of those things, but the truth of the matter is this. Marlo’s never been in one, and I’m guessing you haven’t either, so if you think everything is peachy, you’re crazy.”
The blood drained from my head, leaving me lightheaded.
“Chin up, buttercup.” He patted my head. “At least you guys are on speaking terms. And at least you didn’t wake up with honey on your dick.”
I covered my mouth with my hands “You didn’t.”
“I may be unable to perform sexually until all the honey’s gone, I haven’t Googled it yet, but it doesn’t exactly…” He frowned. “It doesn’t slide the same, it’s like someone threw sticky paint on the slip and slide, and I’m afraid I’m going to get stuck and just — snap in half.” He winced. “She’s a joy, my Jen.”
I burst out laughing. “Well, while you’re dealing with that, I’m going to go eat before choreography.”
“You do that.” He saluted me, and I was off. Only I wasn’t off.
I was stopped a million times with questions from anxious campers and staff members, so my breakfast turned into a muffin and a small cup of coffee with a banana to go before my first class.
And I was still five minutes late.
Luckily, I was just teaching the background, later that afternoon I’d be practicing with the leads.
“All right!” I clapped my hands. “Let’s start at the beginning.”
I hated that my focus was on Marlo and not the students.
But I’d spent a lifetime without what he had to offer, without this feeling in my chest, this sickening yet incredible feeling.
And I was so worried that one day, it would be gone.
How do you keep a feeling anyway?
How do you hold it in your hands?
I wish I knew how.
For now, I’d just hold him.
MY HEAD THROBBED as the last of my class dismissed themselves. I sat down on the chair and pressed my fingertips into my temples then decided the only thing that was going to make me feel better was drinking my body weight in either coffee or red bull. Who knew being director was so difficult? It wasn’t just that, it was balancing everyone’s needs while still trying to make sure you did a good job at teaching.
Legs heavy, I made my way from the studio all the way over to the mess hall to grab something to drink. When I opened the door and stepped in, I narrowed my eyes at a guilty looking Marlo who was standing in front of the coffee bar.
“Aren’t you supposed to be in bed?” I yawned as I made my way over to him.
He smirked into his coffee, but I could see his hooded eyes over the rim, filled with lust and delicious promises that made me want to peel my shirt over my head and lay down on the nearest table. “Aren’t you supposed to be with me?”
“Hah.” I wagged my finger at him. “He’s got jokes and a concussion, nice.”
“I’m fine…” He didn’t look fine. He looked exhausted, though still gorgeous, his tanned skin was still rippling with too many muscles, and his smile still made me want to do dirty things to him.
Why did he have to be the sort of guy you wanted to piss off a
nd make smile? It was almost the gut instinct to lash out just so I could feel his penetrative gaze on my skin.
Yeah, I needed a nap, a long nap.
“Loser!” A girl shouted and then started laughing as she poured milk over another teen’s head. He was pretty scrawny and had his head ducked into a book. Milk dripped down his lips as he started to shake.
“And no, the answer is no, I’m not interested.” She sneered while her friends rolled their eyes at each other. A few nearby teens started laughing.
I blew my whistle, outrage seeping out of me. “Hey, you two, here, now!”
The girl flashed me a pretty smile, but not before tossing a napkin at the teen and muttering. “Clean yourself up, milk man.”
“Out of line.” I pointed my finger at her. “That’s one strike, two more and I’m calling your parents to come pick you up!”
“Like they would care, do you know who my parents are?”
“Do you know who I am?” Marlo moved to stand next to me. “Listen carefully, I have the power to destroy whatever pathetic career you may or may not have depending on the end of the summer. You want an agent? I’ll make sure you’re so far in the background that nobody even sees the hair on your head, are we clear?”
She lifted her chin. “Yes.”
“Good.” He grinned, looking exhausted and pissed again. “Now apologize, using his real name. Not milk man, lawn boy—” I jerked my head to attention when he stopped himself, clenched his fingers into angry fists, and exhaled. “Have some human decency. That’s all I’m asking.”
Marlo turned to me, his face unreadable, and then he shook his head. “I’m sorry, you’re right, I should have stayed in bed, I’m going to go lie down.”
I frowned and reached for his hand. He took it and stared down at our interlocked fingers like he wasn’t sure what to make of it.
Panic seized my lungs.
He leaned in and kissed my cheek then walked away.
I stared after him as the world faded around me.
Fear crept into my chest at the thought of seeing his back and for some horrible reason, it just reminded me of my childhood that much more, of my parents turning their backs on me.
Always their backs.
Never their faces.
What if he did that to me too?
What did I possibly have to capture his attention once the summer was over? Was I just the challenge he could never win?
And what type of person thinks that after confessing love? After saying this was forever?
Me. The type of broken person who can’t even function on their own without hating themselves.
The type of person who bullies a broken high school boy in order to fit in with her friends, so they accept her.
The type of person so desperate for any sort of love, that she’d cling to just about anything and mark it as hers.
I hung my head.
Physically everything was perfect wasn’t it?
But what about emotionally? What about the words? The painful ones I kept to myself? The hard confessions I’d rather forget?
What about the truth?
That he was coming to me completely whole.
And I was only giving him the best part of myself because I was so ashamed of the other half.
I moved toward the door, bumping into Brax before righting myself.
He steadied me. “You all right?”
“I’m—” I frowned. “Fine?”
“Are you asking me if you’re fine?” His eyes narrowed.
“Here.” I handed him the whistle. “I’m going to take a walk then go down to the beach can you cover?”
“Sure.” He drew out the word.
“Good.” I turned and walked.
I walked and walked.
And when my legs felt shaky, I finally went to the beach and prayed that for once in my life the dancing would set me free.
Because I’d just realized.
Nobody could do that, but me.
I WAS BORED out of my mind.
My head throbbed at my temples, but I figured it had more to do with Jackson’s voice than anything.
“So then I was all, I think I love you.” Jackson sighed. “Was that wrong?”
I squeezed my eyes shut. “Man you lost me when you said you slept with her and then said you were sorry.”
“Shit!” He kicked a pillow toward me. I dodged it and let out a sigh.
“Wow, I finally know what it’s like to have a slumber party. Fucking hate it.”
Jackson flipped me off and then lay back on the other bed, the one I’d had Ray sleep in, the one I never wanted her in again.
Mine.
All mine.
My body buzzed with awareness at the thought of her, of pressing my mouth to hers, gripping those hips, thrusting into that perfect heat. She was my sunset, my dawn.
Shit you know it’s bad when you write lousy poetry in your head.
A knock sounded on the screen door. Finally. Rescue!
Brax made his way inside without me saying anything. “Sure, come on in…” I muttered. Not exactly the rescue I had in mind.
“Huh?” He looked genuinely confused. “So, anyway, as I was saying…” What the hell? “Ray’s doing great, she looks a bit stressed but she’s checked up on all the classes, the only problem is that we don’t have any understudies for the main roles, and the campers who want to be understudies look ready to shit themselves when you put them on stage.”
“Nice.” Jackson chuckled.
“We’ll do what we always do.” I shrugged. “The staff members are understudies, and extras. That way the staff still gets seen by scouts.”
“Uh-huh.” Brax grinned at me. “That’s what I thought you’d say.”
“You’re confusing the hell out of me,” I muttered.
“Campers voted, you lose. Both you and Ray get to be understudies for Johnny and Baby, congrats bro!”
I nearly fell off my bed. “I’m the director. I’m the only one who doesn’t get on stage.”
“Not this year.” Brax offered a half-assed shrug. “Campers said that if the worst happens they want you guys up there, something about making babies with your dancing?”
Jackson snorted out a laugh while I squeezed my eyes shut. “Fine.”
“Hey, no worries, you’ll probably just end up being in the background like the rest of the staff, but I’d polish up on your lines just in case.” Brax held up his hand.
“What am I supposed to do with that?” I pointed at his palm.
“Bro, high five, as in you hit this with your hand? Do I not get a high five for delivering good news?”
Jackson kicked him in the ass.
“Son of a bitch!” Brax rubbed his ass and jogged toward the door at the same time. “Fine, I’ll let you girls gossip, but before I leave, I thought you should know…” He grinned. “Ray’s at the lake.”
“Okay?”
“She’s dancing.”
I narrowed my eyes. “By herself?”
He nodded and then whispered. “It’s fucking beautiful.”
I was out the door before he could say more, running as fast as I could, concussion or not, toward the beach. Thankful that I was a runner, that I hadn’t inhaled too much smoke, that my lungs weren’t seizing with each long stride.
A cloud of dirt went up around my feet when I stopped, my jaw nearly came unhinged from my face as I watched her body move.
She was dancing on the beach.
To no music.
My eyes burned, but I barely blinked, just watching the sunset over her body as she lifted her hands into the air and twisted her body around.
Our gazes locked.
And I could have sworn my heart stopped in order to hear the cadence of hers and join in — I’d never wanted to touch another human so desperately in my entire life.
I took a step toward her.
Lips parting, she dropped her hands and then crooked her finger.
My blood
heated as I finally reached her.
But I didn’t touch her.
I knew if I did, I’d combust on the spot.
So I stood inches from her face and read every expression in her eyes, loss, sadness, anger, joy.
With each blink, she showed me her truth.
With each exhale, she showed me her soul.
Our foreheads touched as I whispered. “Dance with me.”
MY CHEST ROSE and fell with each touch of his fingertips on my body, like I was fragile, like he knew I was falling apart.
I had every reason in the world to be happy.
I had him.
And yet, I was a mess.
Every time I thought of us, a choking sensation from my past rose up and wrapped its hands around my throat.
So I danced.
I danced it away.
Because I danced better than I talked.
He twirled me in his arms.
I sucked in a breath as he whispered against my neck. “What’s your truth…”
“More of this?” I said a bit breathless.
“Until I have all of you,” he promised.
Another twirl.
And then like a waterfall of words, I confessed. “My friends came over, we laughed while you mowed the lawn. I threw—” My stomach rolled as my foot caught in the sand, he kept me upright. I couldn’t even look at his face. “I threw skittles at you and called you stupid.” Oh God, was that me? Had I been that person? “And then I told them you tasted like grass.”
“I probably did,” came his quick answer.
A tear slid down my cheek. “I used to walk by your locker and scowl, but it was because I knew I wasn’t good enough for you, and after that night, all I wanted to do was find a way to crawl into it and stay there forever.”
“I wouldn’t have minded,” he whispered against my neck as we found our steps around one another, like a choreographed dance we both had memorized. What was happening?
My chest lightened as he smiled against my neck and pressed a kiss there, still holding me in his arms as we moved. “You were naked, and I laughed.” I squeezed my eyes shut as a tear fell. “I laughed and I pointed, and you looked so angry, and I knew I deserved your anger, but I also knew if I didn’t point, if I didn’t laugh when I walked by the pool house, I’d ask you to kiss me again, so I laughed to keep myself from you. I knew my friends wouldn’t let me and they — they were all I had.”
Summer Nights Page 2