She steadied herself, she felt his upper back muscles contract. She pulled her hand back slightly. Perhaps her touch made him uncomfortable. Perhaps he was as unused to being touched as she was. He continued to speak to her in and soft, soothing tones, as one does to a child or pet. He stripped off her frozen clog and Elizabeth reflexively placed her foot on the faded wooden floor.
"I've got to do the other one, Ma'am."
He was being so polite, but she really hated being called ma'am. It made her feel even older and more insignificant than she usually felt. It made her feel like she was being dismissed. Somewhere, she found a tiny voice and croaked, "Elizabeth" through her still chattering teeth. He stopped and pulled back suddenly. He was obviously shocked to hear her speak, since she had not previously answered any of his questions. He paused for the briefest of moments, regrouped and smiled.
"Okay then Elizabeth, when did you stop going by Liza?"
She squinted at him, trying to figure out who he was. He was obviously someone who used to know her. It hurt her brain to try and think. She would figure it out eventually.
This time, he didn't flinch when she put her hand on his shoulder. He stood up, but looked uncomfortable again. "Elizabeth," he said, the name sounding foreign on his tongue, "You need to take the rest of your clothes off. You've got to do this to get warm."
She nodded, giving him the go-ahead. He slowly, as if she were a wild animal, grasped the bottom of her shirt. Maintaining eye contact, those somehow familiar blue eyes boring into her soul, he lifted the frozen gray bundle of clothes over her head. "This too," he said, moving a little more quickly with her lacy black camisole. She continued staring at him. She knew her eyes must be the size of saucers.
Finally, he broke from her gaze and, moving more quickly now, undid the button on her jeans and slid them down. He grasped her forearms and held her as she stepped out of them. She was shaking uncontrollably.
"Elizabeth, I'm gonna put you in the shower to warm up." He maintained eye contact, never looking down as she stood before him in only her bra and underwear. Going against everything her mother had ever said, she wasn't afraid. She was cold and numb and empty. Her soul was broken. She didn't care if he raped her. She didn't think he would. His voice was too kind, and he was somebody who used to know her. If only she could place who.
CHAPTER FIVE: May 14, 2012
Elizabeth shifted uncomfortably in the hard blond wooden library chair. Her rear end had long since gone numb. The PTA meeting seemed to be dragging on forever. They were discussing the final details of the Summer-Kick-Off Carnival. It was the last big PTA event for the year, and it was just under three weeks away. She tried to focus and pay attention. She needed to see how this was handled. After all, she would be running the carnival next year. She was assisting Julia Prouty this year, and would, if all things went well, take over the reins next year. Her commitment to the PTA over the past two school years had been noticed and appreciated. Nancy Beemer often had a smile for Elizabeth now, and the two had even met for coffee once. Usually, conversations occurred when they were planning something, but Elizabeth took it as a positive sign that she had finally been accepted.
Just as she thought they should be finishing, Nancy spoke up. "I'm very excited to announce that we have scheduled our author visit for next week."
A member raised her hand and called out, "Who is it?"
Nancy continued, looking irritated at having been interrupted. "As some of you may know" she gave a knowing glance to her inner circle, "John's father is a writer. He writes under the name of J. P. Devaney."
Nancy paused dramatically, as a murmur went through the crowded library. Elizabeth did not think that it was possible for Nancy's stock to rise much higher, but apparently, it just had. She was in her second two-year term as PTA president. Her current husband, Archibald Beemer, was CEO of the local grocery chain. And now, her ex was apparently a famous writer. No wonder the PTA at Cherry Road was so successful with Nancy at the helm. Even Elizabeth had heard of J. P. Devaney, although his writing was for children older than Teddy and Sydney. He had written a series of books for older elementary children that were often described as a cross between Greek mythology and Dr. Who for the tween set.
Elizabeth thought that he was perhaps an odd choice, as his books were generally for children in the upper grades only. Elizabeth speculated that the author visit would not bring in as much revenue as an author who catered to the younger elementary students, but she knew better than to speak out against Nancy. No one who did survived—socially that is. Elizabeth was finally in Nancy's good graces. She wanted to stay there.
The meeting was finally adjourned and Elizabeth stood up stiffly. She was packing up her files when Nancy approached her and Julia. "Ladies, I wanted to speak to you privately."
Elizabeth was nervous. She could not imagine what Nancy would want. She was pretty sure she was up to date on everything she should have done for the carnival at this point. In fact, Elizabeth thought that she and Julia worked seamlessly together and were really on the ball. Elizabeth glanced at Julia, who looked just as nervous. Nancy smoothed her perfectly sculpted hair, although not a highlighted strand dared stray out of place and continued. "I want to keep this private, but there is another reason for the author visit. John's father has another book coming out. An adult one. Archibald and I are having a book release for him at 'The Faded Page'. It will be the same night as the author visit. It is a private party, but we would like to include you."
'The Faded Page' was a very upscale independent book store. Elizabeth only very rarely went in there. The prices tended to be higher, and the staff was rather snooty. Still, there was something inviting about the worn wooden floors, the overstuffed leather couches and the fireplace. It was not necessarily the type of place she would take Teddy and Sydney, but she could picture herself curled up, reading by the fire on a rainy day. Perhaps in another life.
"Oh, great, um, thank you" Elizabeth managed to stammer out. This was it. She was being accepted. "What time? And how does one dress for a book party?"
Nancy waved her French manicured nails. "I'll be e-mailing you the details. Do you think I can count on your support?"
Elizabeth could not fathom why Nancy should need support from Elizabeth and Julia. Just as if they were back in high school, Nancy was the reigning queen of the scene. Even in the community, with her husband's ties, she was well-known. Her picture graced the Social Scene pages on the newspaper website frequently. Still, Nancy seemed uncharacteristically nervous about this.
"I have to check schedules, of course, but I'll do everything I can to make it" Elizabeth assured her. Julia spoke similarly. Nancy's composure reset, and she granted them a polite smile and said good night to them.
Julia leaned in and whispered "Do you think you can go?"
Elizabeth shrugged. "I'm not sure. I'll have to see if Peter can take the kids that night. Thursdays are usually my nights with the kids, but he may be flexible."
"How are things going with you two?"
"They seem to be better. Since we've divided the schedule, we're much less tense and resentful towards each other. I really can't believe how well this works for us. We're even going out on a date night this weekend."
Julia smiled sympathetically. "It's been such a long journey for the two of you."
Elizabeth shook her head slowly. "Tell me about it. Thinking back, to all those long nights in the hospital room. If Sydney hadn't gotten sick, I just, well, I'm not sure where we'd be right now. Actually I do know. I'm pretty sure we'd be divorced."
Julia chuckled a bit. "So you have a ruptured appendix to thank for your marriage."
"Well, that, and the Good Housekeeping that was laying there in the surgical waiting room. If I hadn't read that article about "temporarily divorced," I don't know that this arrangement would've ever occurred to me. And the most shocking thing is that Peter agreed. If you had asked me, I didn't think he saw any problem with the way things were. Thin
gs are by no means perfect, but we’re at least working together, rather than being at cross purposes."
Elizabeth said goodbye to Julia in the parking lot and drove home. She was nervous about asking Peter to switch nights with her. She knew she had to speak up, and unless he had something else planned, she knew it really shouldn't be a big issue. She wouldn't let Peter make a big issue out of it. This was the new Elizabeth. The Elizabeth who stood up for herself. The Elizabeth who was sure of who she was. Okay, so she wasn't totally sure, but she was working on it.
It was hard to believe that the events of eighteen months ago had totally changed Elizabeth's world. Elizabeth had been so shaken up by her trip up into the mountains. It was disastrous and made Elizabeth question everything in her life. But she returned from the trip knowing that her life had to change. She just wasn't sure how to implement it. Then came Halloween. Elizabeth had thought Sydney's stomachache was the result of too much Halloween candy. Elizabeth had been frazzled herself and just wanted to get the kids in bed after a long day and night of festivities. She screamed at the kids to just go to sleep. Peter was actually home and had fallen asleep on top of the covers. He was obviously exhausted from doing nothing on Halloween, while Elizabeth had taken the kids trick-or-treating. The fact that he was on top of the blankets irritated an already raw Elizabeth, as it made it hard for her to then cocoon herself and keep warm. Elizabeth felt like she had just slipped into sleep when Sidney's crying woke her up. The little girl was screaming in pain and burning up, her fine brown curls plastered to her forehead. Elizabeth quickly snapped out of her daze, and ran to her room to start throwing clothes on. She yelled at Peter to wake up. Finally, he did, annoyed that his beauty sleep was interrupted. She hated him at that moment.
Through her ire, she barked at him that she was taking Sydney to the hospital. She was going to call her parents on the way to see if they would come over and stay with Teddy. When they got there, Peter was to come to the hospital. Then, there were the hours of agony, waiting for Sydney to be evaluated and finally taken into surgery. Elizabeth beat herself up that she screamed at Syd to go to bed, instead of lovingly tucking her in. She felt sick to her stomach and torn up with grief. What if that was their last good night? Several long days followed, as Sydney had to be taken into surgery again and again to repair damage and clean out infected tissue. This, combined with the strange events in the mountains a few weeks earlier, made Elizabeth realize that this was the turning point in her life. Something had to change. She would not continue on as before.
During the long nights waiting for Sydney to heal, Elizabeth and Peter finally talked about their tremendously broken marriage. They talked about their differing parenting styles, Peter's obsessive control of the household money, and how they needed to find some common ground. Elizabeth thought that this would be the prelude to their divorce. But then Elizabeth read a magazine article about a couple who split custody and responsibility for the kids, while remaining married. She wondered if that would be an actual solution. It was very black and white and appealed to Peter as a viable solution to the injustices Elizabeth perceived in their marriage. By the time they were ready to leave the hospital, Peter took Elizabeth's hand as they walked behind the orderly pushing Sydney.
It was not just Sydney who healed following that. It had not been only her appendix that ruptured, but the whole Zurlo household. Elizabeth had sworn, bent over the hospital bed, her cheek pressing into the rough knit blanket, that she would do better. And she realized that to do better, she herself had to be better. She had to take care of not only her family, but herself. It meant standing up to Agnes' bullying. It meant speaking out when Peter was ignoring her. It meant taking an interest in herself, including her appearance.
In a small act of reinvention, Elizabeth set about growing out her hair. She changed hairdressers and was pleased with the results. The color was closer to the auburn of her youth, rather than the boring and bland dark brown. She took an extra few minutes nightly to organize the clothes for the morning, which afforded her the time to apply more than a swipe of make-up to her face. With Peter's begrudging approval, Elizabeth set about replacing her wardrobe (from clearance items, and discounts, of course). Elizabeth started receiving compliments about her clothing, weight loss, and appearance in general. It made her feel good, receiving the accolades she so desperately needed. She was able to accept that they would not come from Peter, so she reveled in them, whatever the source. A part of her still wanted Peter to notice, but she would take what she could get. She had to laugh when Julia's husband, Mitch, asked her if her make-over was because she was having an affair. Julia was mortified, but Elizabeth was delighted that she would even be considered affair material. After that, Elizabeth and Julia began talking often and were now good friends.
Julia knew how things had been and was there to offer advice to Elizabeth. Julia was a school psychologist, so their careers overlapped, which facilitated the friendship. Elizabeth had not realized how closed off she had become since Susan moved away. She needed the outlet of friendship. She needed relaxation and laughter, and her friendship with Julia provided those things. Julia was the only one, however, who knew how troubled Elizabeth's marriage had been. Obviously, it was not something she wanted battered about the Cherry Road rumor mill. She never told Julia about her moment of truth in the snow a few weeks before Sydney's surgery. She never told Peter, either. Although their communication was opened up, she knew he would not understand how she could have considered giving up on life. She was so ashamed that she had even considered it. The whole experience was all water under the bridge anyway.
Peter was working on his computer when Elizabeth arrived home from the PTA meeting. It was set up on the dining room table, along with all of his other work paraphernalia. His brown hair was disheveled and was starting to show its curly nature. Peter often ran his hands through his hair when he was concentrating, so it had a tendency to stand up on end. For this reason, he liked to keep it short, but his schedule had been hectic lately, and he was in desperate need of a haircut. His hair made Elizabeth smile because it made him look like a young boy. Despite all the hard feelings and all of the difficult times, Elizabeth still had a very soft spot in her heart for Peter when he looked like this. Probably because when she looked at him all she saw was Teddy.
She sat down across from him at the dining room table and waited until he broke concentration and acknowledged her presence. She hesitantly began, "Nancy Beemer invited me to a book signing next Thursday night. I know it's my night with the kids, but I would really like to go. Is there any possibility that you could switch one night with me next week?"
"Getting invited out by Nancy Beemer," Peter said in an amused voice. "Sounds like you finally hit the big time." He was smiling and that seemed like a good sign to Elizabeth.
"I have to admit I was a little surprised myself. Apparently it's a private affair. I guess her ex boyfriend or husband or something, John's father anyway, is an author. Normally, he writes books for the tween set, but I think this is an adult book. Nancy seemed a little, I don't know, nervous, maybe about the whole thing. Which, actually, is very unlike her."
"Yeah, nothing seems to faze that woman. Frankly, she kind of scares me."
Elizabeth laughed, "She scares me too. But I want to be just like her."
"Nah, you don't want to be just like her. She's too hard. You want to be just like you."
Elizabeth smiled at her husband, and he smiled back. It was a truly tender moment, the kind that was still rare in the Zurlo household. "So does this mean I can go?"
"I guess. But what's the deal with her? She can't be as perfect as she seems. Nobody is."
"Actually, I do think Nancy really is just that perfect. Thanks for swapping with me. What night would like me to take for you?"
"Don't worry about it. I got this covered."
"Really?" Elizabeth seemed skeptical.
Peter blushed, refusing to meet her eyes. "Well, I, um, actual
ly, have to go away the week after next anyway. I have to present this to the Grand Rapids crew," he said, gesturing to the clutter on the table. "The schedule is going to get all messed up then anyway. This is the least I can do."
"Does your boss not realize that you can only go away every other day?" Elizabeth teased. "No, that's fine. I understand that the travel is still part of your job. I just think this arrangement has helped us get a little bit more balance in our lives. That's what I needed. The balance has really helped me try and find the best me so that I can be the best wife and mother. I really do think that I resent you less. In fact I know I do. Of course, having someone come in once a month to help me clean has made all the difference in the world. I feel like for the first time in a long time, I know who I am now. And while I hate that Sydney got so sick and had to have three operations, part of me will always be glad that that happened, because I think we're so much better now. Like my grandmother always said, 'When you don't listen to God whispering in your ear, He will hit you over the head with a two-by-four.'"
But Elizabeth had been talking too long and had lost Peter's attention. He was back focusing on his work project. Like she had said, the arrangement had helped, but it had by no means made things perfect. Although Peter seemed to notice Elizabeth slightly more, and seemed to appreciate what she did with the kids, it was still not the kind of attention Elizabeth wanted from him. Elizabeth got up and went upstairs, and Peter never looked up from his computer. She started looking through her closet, trying to figure out what one would wear to a book release party. Perhaps, if there was a little bit of time before next Thursday, she would go shopping. She picked up her iPhone and texted Julia, "I'm in for next week. What do you think you'll wear?" While she waited for Julia to respond, she went in the bathroom and washed her face. While her daily routine was longer, including more make-up and moisturizer twice a day, Elizabeth had to admit she was happy with the results. She looked younger than she had in years, and when she looked better, she felt better. She put her pajamas on, brushed her teeth, and once again fell asleep reading about the romantic exploits of others.
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