Standing there, in the Cherry Road cafeteria, making change at the cash box, Elizabeth began to feel the despair slip back into her life. It was clouding the perimeter of her thoughts. It was pushing her down, as it did that night in the mountains when she got the flat tire. She knew that if she let it, it would rush back in, and lead her to another moment of weakness, like the one in the snow. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, and willed the despair to go away. She could do this. She had to. She could not afford to return to the way she had been that awful but enlightening weekend over eighteen months ago.
Finally, the carnival was over. There were still handfuls of people chit-chatting here and there, with kids running to and fro. It had been the longest day for Elizabeth. She could not believe that in the midst of all that hard work, she had picked a fight with Nancy Beemer, and that her depression was creeping back in. She hoped she could attribute it to her extreme fatigue. She would find a way to soothe Nancy without groveling. She would go home, take a hot bath and drink a glass of wine. She would finally relax. But first, she had hours of work to do to dismantle the carnival and clean up. She hoped the people who had volunteered for clean-up duty would show. If Peter and the kids were still here, she would press them into service as well.
Glancing around the gym, it looked as though a bomb had gone off. Green and white crepe streamers hung limply from the walls, drawing attention to the cinder blocks and mats rather than disguising them. Long pieces of tape floated in between chairs, having been torn as people disregarded the lanes the tape created. Metal folding chairs, once neatly placed, were now strewn throughout, some even tipped over. Elizabeth was relieved that there appeared to be a relatively large crew starting the clean-up. She was responsible for clean-up, while Julia was responsible for counting the money. As far as she could tell, the carnival had been a success, and Nancy would have no reason to be upset with her.
Elizabeth almost smacked her own head. Just a few hours ago, she had realized that Nancy was no better than she, and had no right to judge anyone. Now here she was, seeking that approval. Elizabeth stopped and squared her shoulders. She could do this. She didn't need the approval of others to be assured that she was a good and capable person. Elizabeth knew that she had value without anyone else telling her so.
The renewed confidence gave Elizabeth the strength and energy to tackle the fallen streamers. She began tearing them down and balling them up, having a surprising amount of fun doing it. It helped her work out some of the aggression that dealing with Nancy had built up. She carried the large and cumbersome armful out into the hall where the large, gray trash barrel was.
Satisfied that the job was complete, Elizabeth then tackled moving the music stands back into the band room down the hall. It had been a brilliant idea to use the music stands to post the names and ticket prices for the games, but now it meant that many more items that needed to be put away before school on Monday. She picked up two and carried them down the deserted hallway. Turning left into the band room, she was startled to see Nancy in there and almost dropped the stands. Nancy was staring aimlessly out the window, her arms wrapped around her body, and with a forlorn look upon her face. For the first time, Elizabeth was able to see Nancy as a middle-aged woman, tired and sad. No longer polished, she was run-down and haggard, just like the rest of them.
CHAPTER NINE: June 2, 2012
Nancy barely glanced up at Elizabeth. "Oh, it's you."
Elizabeth wanted to reply with a snarky or biting comment. She had never been quick-witted enough to pull that off. Then she really looked at Nancy, who appeared to have come apart at the seams. Elizabeth had been around enough mean girls to know that a biting comment right now would be kicking Nancy while she was down. Elizabeth had been on the receiving end too many times to take a turn on the giving end. She would rise above. Elizabeth set the black metal stands down and walked over to Nancy. She leaned against the windowsill, perching slightly. "Are you all right?"
Nancy sighed. She closed her eyes, obviously fighting tears and shook her head. Her mascara already betrayed her with tell-tale signs of crying.
"Is there anything I can do to help?" Elizabeth asked, just wanting this woman to feel better. She had never seen Nancy so open, so raw and vulnerable, and it unnerved Elizabeth. If Nancy could crack, then no one could stay put together.
Nancy shrugged, still unable to find her voice without breaking into full-on tears. "I don't think so."
"You just wanna talk about it? Just vent. It might make you feel better to get it off your chest, even though there may not be a solution."
Nancy looked at Elizabeth. "Maybe you're right. It's the book."
"Okay –" Elizabeth could not figure out why this book was getting to Nancy so much. "Why is it bothering you so much?"
"I, um, it's just, no, it's stupid," Nancy stammered.
"Obviously it's not stupid. It's obviously bothering you a whole lot."
"Archie says it's stupid."
"Well, Archie is a man, and therefore has poor judgment in this kind of situation naturally. I'll tell you if it's stupid, and you can go with my opinion," she offered with a wink and a smile. Elizabeth suddenly felt brazen. Here she was, comforting Nancy. Nancy was no longer some demigod of mothers. She was a mere mortal, flawed and insecure, just like Elizabeth. They were equals.
Nancy returned Elizabeth's smile slightly. "Okay, you tell me if I'm being stupid. I just feel so foolish," Nancy began. "I mean, I really thought, oh I don't know ..." She broke off.
"Did he tell you what it was about before it came out?"
"No, not really. He said it was a departure from his typical stuff."
"I'll say."
"I know, right? He was nervous when he approached me about it. I've never seen him so nervous before, at least not about his writing. He was always so confident. I just thought he was worried about stepping outside his comfort zone."
"That's to be expected, right?"
"Yeah, that's what I was thinking. So then, after hemming and hawing and dancing around the issue, he finally asked me if he could use me for some research."
Elizabeth was not expecting this. What kind of research exactly? Was Nancy the one who was having crazy sex all over town with this guy? Elizabeth's face must have betrayed her thoughts.
Nancy quickly jumped in, "No, no, no—not that kind of research! Oh God no!"
Elizabeth shrugged and smiled a little. "Sorry. I, um ..." She scooted back so she was sitting Indian style on the windowsill. She had a feeling they would be here for a while.
Nancy smiled slightly, as well. "I guess I phrased that wrong. No, he wanted to know what life is like for a wife and mother. How the PTA stuff worked, that sort of thing. Isn't that crazy? I mean, here he is writing this? A super-racy novel, and he's asking me about stupid fundraisers and volunteer stuff," she paused before continuing. "He asked me for access to my Facebook page. I gave him my login and password. I had nothing to hide from him. I was thinking that he wanted to get inside my head, in my world."
"What did Archie think of all of this?"
"That's the thing—I didn't tell him. It drove a huge wedge between us for a long time. I felt like I was keeping secrets, but then I didn't know how he'd take it if I did tell him. I mean, he tolerates J.P., but I don't think he loves him. He doesn't say much negative about him because of John though."
"That's got to be hard. Peter doesn't like me to even mention my exes, not that there are that many, and I wasn't married to any of them."
"I know. It's so silly. J.P. and I split up when John was barely one. It was pretty obvious that we weren't right for each other. We probably wouldn't have even stayed together for as long as we did, if it weren't for John. I knew it, and J.P. knew it. I'm so thankful that I have John, but J.P. and I never should have been together."
"That's a tough thing to admit."
"Once I met Archie, I knew what it was supposed to be like. And I knew it was never like that with J.P."
"I did. Not just more kids, but Archie's kids. But he's older and didn't want more. I'm pretty sure he would have been okay if I had never had John. Not that he doesn't love him, because Lord knows he does, but I just don't think he's a kid person."
"Some people just aren't kid people. Sometimes I wonder if Peter would've been okay without kids. But we're getting off topic here. So this J.P. guy had access to your Facebook and was asking all sorts of personal questions, but you didn't tell Archie?"
"No. And I didn’t know what J.P. was doing with the information. I guess, in my mind, I was the heroine of his novel. Of course, I had no idea how smutty it would be."
"Well, obviously not. But could you look at it as somewhat flattering that he thinks you are that attractive that he cannot keep his hands off you?" Elizabeth tried to be positive about the situation.
"Have you read the book?"
Elizabeth suddenly felt guilt. She looked down, and hoped she wasn't blushing. "I started to, before we all got sick. But honestly, I was falling asleep while reading it and none of it really sank in. And then I've been so busy with the carnival and all that I haven't gotten back to it," she half mumbled.
"That explains it. What do you know about it?"
Elizabeth was uncomfortable again. Suddenly she felt as though the axis had again shifted and Nancy held all the power. "Julia indicated that it's pretty graphic, and this guy and his high school girlfriend have sex all over the place."
Nancy smiled her Cheshire cat grin. "Of course, that's what most people would take out of it. But I think it's more than that. Read it, and let me know what you think."
"Okay, I will. So the portrayal of the main female character, I would guess, is not entirely flattering then?"
"No, not flattering for the most part. She's weak and snively and not capable of thinking for herself. She's like an anti-heroine."
"So then, why are you upset that it's not about you? You don't want to be thought of that way, do you?"
Nancy cocked her head. "I never thought of it that way. Good point." She paused, covering her face for a minute, pressing her fingers into her temples. The silence hung thick. "Even though we're through, and have been for a long time, it just would have been nice."
"Nice?"
"Nice that he still wanted me. I know he doesn't, and I don't want him, but I'm not getting any younger here, and it would have been nice if he still found me attractive or identified me as desirable."
"Who says he doesn't on some level?"
"He does. I am in the book. I'm the mean girl who picks on the main girl. My name in the book is Kysa. She's described as cold and calculating and domineering."
Elizabeth was speechless. She swallowed, if only to buy herself some time in formulating her next statement. How do you respond to that? It was exactly how Nancy could be. Nancy continued, sparing Elizabeth, if just for the moment. "I know that's how I can appear. It's a carefully crafted image. It's how I want people to see me. But I thought J.P. knew me better than that. I thought I had opened up to him, at least when we were together."
"How long were you together?"
"Just over two years. I got pregnant when we had only been dating about six months. We rushed into marriage." Nancy paused and sighed. "No, I rushed into marriage. I think J.P. would have been just as content not getting married. Like I said, we kind of already knew that we weren't right for each other."
"But something must have drawn you together?" Elizabeth recalled having the same thoughts about herself and Peter.
"Looking back, I was attracted to his fame. I should be ashamed to admit it, but there is something so very appealing about being with someone who has some kind of power. He already had two books out and was making the rounds on talk shows and such. I met him while doing P.R. for his agent. I was already thirty-one but was still living the party-girl kind of lifestyle."
"You, a party girl?" Elizabeth was incredulous. "I never pictured you as anything but Martha Stewart."
"If you had told me fifteen years ago that I would be a Martha wanna-be, I would have laughed in your face. No, I had the high-powered P.R. career in the city. J.P. had to travel so much, and was firmly based out of the city, with no room for negotiation. It wasn't long before I resented him not coming home every night. I only came back here after I had John. I knew the city was no place to raise a baby, or so I said. I threw myself into mothering, probably to take the place of my long-gone career." She let that sink in, reflecting on what she was saying. "I hated that he got to keep living the life I loved, while I was making all the sacrifices."
"I think that's called being a mother."
"I know that now, and I'm glad now that I made the sacrifices, but at the time I could not see the forest through the trees. At the time, I just hated J.P. For so many things. For sucking me into his world. For getting me pregnant. For not really wanting to be married. For marrying me anyway. For continuing on with his life while mine, as I knew it was over. I couldn’t stand to look at him, so I hit him where it hurt. I took his son away from him."
"Wow." Elizabeth could not think of anything else. Nancy was just as fucked up as she was. Of course, Nancy probably never tried to kill herself.
"I guess I'm pretty lucky that J.P. did not write a book with me as the main character. It would be much more unflattering than that Kysa character is."
"I guess that's a positive way to look at it, right?"
"Yeah, and not to spoil the book, but the Kysa character is not too awful. She's hard and can appear cold, but compared to Nellie, she at least has a backbone and the ability to think for herself. I think, looking at it, I'd rather be thought of as intelligent and capable, even if a little cold than to be thought of as a puppet to be used."
"Okay, so now that you've thought about it, do you feel better about this book situation?" Elizabeth shifted. The grates of the heating vent on the windowsill were biting into her bare thighs. She didn't want to seem antsy, but she had to stand up. Nancy looked at her, and almost seemed disappointed that Elizabeth was leaving.
"I just had to stand up for a minute. I guess you're not feeling better?" Elizabeth continued, walking over to sit in the chair at the teacher's desk. The cushion of the seat and back provided some relief, and Elizabeth realized just how tired she was, and what a long day this had been. While she was encouraged by this tête-à- tête with Nancy, she was truly just exhausted and wanted to wrap this up.
"I do feel better about that part. I'm still embarrassed though."
"Embarrassed? What do you have to be embarrassed about?"
"Because I told a few people, in confidence, about the book, and how I thought it was about me. How I thought maybe J.P. was still in love with me a little." Nancy shook her head and again covered her face in her hands. "I only told one or two people, because I was really excited. But you know how the rumor mill goes around here."
"Unfortunately, I do."
"Did you hear that I thought it was about me?"
Elizabeth shrugged apologetically. "Yeah, I did."
"From whom?"
Elizabeth felt uncomfortable, but told anyway, like a child reporting back to her mother. "Kristy Spurns."
Nancy again shook her head. "You see, that's the thing. I don't know who to trust anymore. I never talked to her about it. I know exactly who I told, and I know that they told other people. It seems everyone wants me to be their friend, but very few people want to be my friend. You know, when I really need something. And this is the kind of thing that is hard to talk about with Archie."
"I can imagine. And I know what you mean about finding it hard to trust people. It seems like everything is just a big competition here."
"It is," Nancy said matter-of-factly.
"I know, and I'm not very good at competing. I always lose, so after so many years, it gets hard to keep trying. Sometimes I feel like I've been held down for so long. I wasn't any good at this in high school, and I'm no better tw
enty years later. But I do hate the feeling of walking into a room and knowing that everyone has been talking about you. Makes me run in the other direction."
"Oh, no, you can't do that. That just gives the gossipmongers the power. You have to walk into the room with your head held high."
"You can do that. I can't," Elizabeth admitted. "Sometimes, it takes everything I have just to walk into the room, even when no one is talking about me. I'm just not very strong, I guess."
"Well, if I can walk into a room after all of this, you can too." Nancy stood up and headed for the door. Elizabeth followed her.
"Sure, Nancy. If you say so."
CHAPTER TEN: June 12, 2012
"What do you mean you're going away again? That's twice this month. Already." Elizabeth couldn't prevent the shrillness from creeping into her voice.
"Well, if you wanna go get a job that pays a decent salary so I can stay home all the time, be my guest," Peter shot back. He barely glanced up from reading the paper as he slung this insult at her.
Elizabeth wanted to hit Peter in the face with a cast-iron skillet. Unfortunately for Peter, Elizabeth was unloading the dishwasher, and the pots and pans were within easy reach. Were they really going to have this fight again? She had thought they were long past this. All the compromise, all the negotiation over the past eighteen months was going down the toilet. She glared at him, and then finally turned away, afraid she really was going to hit him. Nothing had truly changed. She was still trapped with a husband who didn't respect her. And if she needed more proof than his words, she had his actions. They had both worked all day. Elizabeth had been refereeing since the kids got home from school and had cooked dinner. Now she was cleaning up afterwards, while Peter sat and read the paper. She would love to sit and read. But no one was going to swoop in and magically take care of things.
"What's the big deal anyway? There's nothing on the calendar that I'm missing. Things are winding down for the year."
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