Finally, Elizabeth trudged back up to her room. She put on her pajamas. Real pajamas this time, not just Peter's t-shirt. She pondered that decision last night. Perhaps she just wished that Peter could be wrapped around her, instead of being alone in bed. This train of thought, despite all her best efforts not to, led Elizabeth to start thinking about her interactions with Jack the previous evening.
Obviously, seeing him unnerved her. He knew her deepest darkest secrets. She had confessed so much to him that weekend. She had bared everything to him. He had reacted with kindness and comfort. He was just as entertaining and charismatic as he had been twenty years ago. The years had been kind to his appearance, as well. Always charming looking, he was now downright handsome. Elizabeth sighed. She knew this line of thinking was going to get her in more trouble. She would love to stay in touch with him and keep him in her life. He made her feel good. He made her smile and laugh even. But she knew it was more than that. She knew she was attracted to him.
Oh, no, that was not good. She tried pushing thoughts of him out of her mind, and tried to fill her head with thoughts of Peter. But the memory of Jack's gaze kept creeping in. And not just his gaze, but how he gazed at Elizabeth. He drank her in. He was appreciative of her appearance. He had told her she was beautiful. He liked her hair long. Elizabeth wasn't sure that Peter noticed that her hair was now long. He certainly never commented on it. Not like Jack.
No, no, no. Stop. She had to stop. Elizabeth rolled over and buried her face into Peter's pillow, searching for his scent. Hopefully, he would be home by Tuesday. When he got home, she would make the overture. She would make him make love to her. To reclaim her body, if not her mind.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN: June 18, 2012
Monday morning arrived, and Elizabeth was no more excited to greet the day than she had been the previous morning. It was going to be a busy week. If she could just get through this week, then she would be able to relax slightly. She sighed. She felt like she was wishing her life away, yet again. Just trying to "get through" until things were manageable again. For as far as she had come since running into Jack the first time, she was now seeming to backslide. She was right back, feeling as run-down and desperate. No, not quite as desperate. She would never be that desperate again. She would never let the depression and despair hold her down like that again. She could not let herself.
She looked at the clock. It was 5:59 a.m., and Elizabeth was wide-awake. The bright June sun was blaring through the awning windows above her bed and hit the dresser mirror across the room at just the right angle to reflect the sun onto her face so that she felt like she was under the glare of a burning spotlight. The sun made it impossible for her to sleep anymore, messing terribly with her internal clock. She really needed to remember that the sun would wake her up this early, and go to bed earlier at night. She hadn't needed to stay up watching that movie that she's seen countless times before. But it was an escape for her, providing a refuge where she didn't have to think, and at least she wasn't thinking about Jack.
Elizabeth mentally reviewed the day ahead of her. She obviously had to get up and get ready for work. She was driving the kids into school today so she could drop off the popsicles that she had spent the entire day yesterday on. Subconsciously, she rubbed the blister on her middle finger, thinking of how much work they had been. Tomorrow was her preschool class' graduation, so she had to finish making her children's gifts and diplomas. Luckily, they had made their graduation caps last week, and had been practicing their songs. Still, graduation day was always a busy one. She had to coordinate refreshments for the parents and students. It was a good thing that Peter was coming home tonight, as she would need to be at work early tomorrow morning to set up. She should probably stay after today and decorate, just to take the stress off of her for the morning.
The benefit of having so much to do was that the school day flew by for Elizabeth. She briefly wondered how the popsicles had gone over but didn’t have much time to think about it. The kids had one last rehearsal, one last practice walking into the classroom and singing their songs. After the last child was picked up, Elizabeth and her co-teacher, Michele, set about moving tables, cleaning the room, and decorating for graduation. This time of year was always bittersweet for Elizabeth. Five out of her eight students were graduating, moving onto kindergarten. She had developed a rapport with those families, and she would miss both the students and the parents. She always worried about these kids going on to kindergarten, especially those who were still struggling.
She glanced down at her watch. If she left now, she could get over to school and pick Teddy and Sydney up. They liked that, and she tried to pick them up at least once a week. Apparently, the school bus was just as traumatic for them as it had been for her. Some things never changed. She gave herself a quick mental pat on the back that she had purchased the items necessary for dinner tonight, so that was one less thing she had to think of. Taco night was always a winner in the Zurlo house. She wasn't as last minute as she used to be, and that had certainly improved the quality of her life, albeit ever so slightly.
She arrived at school and had to drive around looking for a parking spot. This was the one thing she hated about pick-up. You either had to get there twenty minutes early, or you had to park out behind the school. She created her own spot on the side of the lawn and headed towards school. She checked her phone. Peter had e-mailed his itinerary and was due in around six. He was actually getting home a day early. While she pondered that, it occurred to her that she had never heard back from Julia. That was odd. She hoped Julia was not beating herself up. The other mothers would be cruel enough. Elizabeth would reach out again, letting Julia know that she was not upset, and was just concerned for Julia's well-being. Maybe she'd see her here at pick-up.
Elizabeth walked into school and headed toward the auditorium where all the parents waited for the kids to be dismissed. She was scrolling through Facebook on her iPhone while walking in, not really paying attention. As she entered the auditorium, a hush fell over the usually chatty crowd. The silence was abrupt enough that Elizabeth noticed it. She felt all eyes in the place on her. Automatically, she dropped her head, unable to handle being the focus of attention. She walked, with shoulders hunched and head low, over to the table and signed the kids out. She slinked to a seat, only able to look up once she was seated. And even then, she tried to glance out of the corner of her eye, rather than make direct eye contact. She could swear that people were staring at her. She glanced down and tried to look at her clothes. Had she spilled something on herself? Had something ripped, leaving her exposed? She couldn't see anything wrong with her clothes.
The kids were finally dismissed, and Elizabeth stood up. She greeted her kids with a smile, genuinely glad to see them. They really were the light in her life. She placed a hand on each child's shoulder and steered them toward the door. She saw Theresa Johnson looking at her. Elizabeth smiled at her. Theresa gave her a death look and turned sharply away. Okay. Elizabeth did not imagine that. She wondered what Theresa's problem could be? Could she really be that nasty over the Julia thing? Julia was the one who got drunk and threw up. Elizabeth was just her friend. She supposed that her growing friendship with Nancy put a marker on her back from catty, jealous women who wanted the benefits of Nancy's friendship. Whether it was collateral damage, or just jealousy, Elizabeth tried to shake it off. But even later on that night, it still bothered her.
Peter arrived home later than expected. Although Elizabeth had been planning on a romantic reunion, she was exhausted by the time he finally came up to bed. She really didn't feel like initiating anything, and she was pretty sure he wasn't going to. Sitting on the bed, propped up against the headboard, Elizabeth sat with her e-reader on her lap. She didn't even have the energy to start reading. Thoughts from the day kept tumbling through her head. Jack. Julia. Theresa. Peter. She couldn't do anything about Jack, other than ignore the elephant in the room. She was growing concerned about Julia and vowed to get
into contact with her tomorrow. Peter – well, she wasn't sure what to do about him.
But she was still bothered by Theresa's death stare. She just couldn't let it go. Peter was lying next to her, flipping though the channels. Elizabeth tried to open a dialogue with Peter by telling him about what happened at pick-up, the feeling that everyone was staring at her, as well as the dirty look she was positive she had been the recipient of.
"Jesus Christ, Elizabeth! Why do you care about all of this shit?"
Elizabeth was shocked at his nasty reply. She hadn't thought she was being especially whiney. She was trying to stay matter-of-fact. "Simmer down, Peter. Obviously, Theresa is mad at me, but I have no idea why. Shouldn't you care if someone is mad at you?"
"I guess," he shrugged. "What did you do to her?"
"Nothing that I know of."
"Then let it go."
"How can I?"
"I'm telling you to drop it. If you don't want to drop it, I don't want to hear you bitching about it."
"Holy crap, Peter. Simmer down. I'm not just bitching about this. I was trying to tell you what happened at school today. I don’t know why people were talking about me, but I swear they were."
"Well, you must have pissed someone off then. What did you do?" Why did he automatically assume she was at fault? God, he sounded like Agnes. Why wasn't he defending her?
"Nothing, that's the thing. Julia got trashed at Nancy's party. She threw up in a centerpiece, I guess."
"You guess? Weren't you with her?"
"I had run into someone from high school at the party. They ended up giving me a lift, since Mitch had to take Julia home."
"I guess you lucked out."
"Yeah. I did." Elizabeth wanted to tell him that Jack was the one who had helped her with her flat when driving to Susan's. But then, she couldn't remember if she had ever even told Peter that she had been going to Susan's in the first place, or that she had had car trouble. They were not really speaking at all then, at least not about Elizabeth's life. "It was the guy I went to prom with."
There was no response. She looked over. Peter was engrossed in the baseball game. He was lying on his side, facing away from Elizabeth. She just sat there, staring at him. He was completely oblivious to her. God, how she needed him right now. She needed him to sit up and take notice. She needed him to take her into his arms and claim both her body and her mind until she could no longer picture any man's face but his. She needed him to need her, and to want her. Even just to touch her. Why didn't he see the need in her eyes? Why didn't he see that he could very much lose her? Why didn't he see her?
Elizabeth looked away and slid down so that she was supine, now staring at the ceiling. She lay there, trying with all of her might to will him to roll over. Her eyes were growing heavy, and the next thing she knew, Peter was elbowing her out of a sound sleep to tell her to turn off her bedside lamp. Elizabeth got up and went to the bathroom. By the time she came back, Peter was again on his side, facing away from Elizabeth and sleeping, snoring softly. She flicked the lamp off and crawled back into bed. She cozied up behind Peter, wrapping her arm across his bare stomach. Her body pressed into his, face to back, pelvis to pelvis, legs to legs. Her fatigue once again overcame her, and she fell asleep clinging to Peter as desperately as she was clinging to their marriage. She was again awoken to Peter shrugging her off. She was too tired at this point to care. She rolled over and went to sleep yet again. There was at least a foot of space between the two of them.
Elizabeth made it through the frenzy of graduation the next morning. She smiled at her young pupils, about to make their way into the larger schools. She teared up with the mothers, who were sad to see their babies growing up. She smiled for picture after picture and gave hug after hug. She knew she would not hear from some of these families again, and it made her slightly sad. Finally, most of the guests had cleared out, and Elizabeth and Michele set about the immense chore of cleaning up from the ceremony and reception. Elizabeth caught movement out of the corner of her eye. She saw the mother of one of her non-graduating students hovering nervously. The woman, Carrie Lundquist, had two older children who attended Cherry Road. Her youngest, Caroline, Elizabeth's pupil, had Down Syndrome.
"Hey Carrie, what's up? Did you guys forget something?"
Carrie shifted nervously. She looked down at her feet, refusing to meet Elizabeth's eyes. "Um, no."
"Oh, is something else going on? Is everybody okay?"
"Um, yeah. We're fine. I, um, it's just that we've decided that Caroline shouldn't come back here in the fall."
"What?"
"My husband and I do not want her to continue on with you, I mean here."
"Did something happen? Is there anything I can do to help?"
"No, you've done quite enough."
"What do you mean by that?" Elizabeth was growing slightly defensive.
"We just think Caroline would do better somewhere else, in a more positive environment."
Despite the sting, Elizabeth tried to remember all of her customer service lessons throughout the years. "Well, I'm sure wherever you have in mind for Caroline to go will be great. You know my door is always open here for you and your family. If you need me to speak with her new teacher, or send records over, or anything, please don't hesitate to let me know."
Brusquely, Carrie said, "I don't think we'll be needing any of your help anytime soon, but thank you." She must have realized how sharply her words came out and, not being a mean person by nature added, "Caroline always loved coming here and loved you." And with that, she turned and left.
Michele, the other teacher, had witnessed the whole exchange. She never stepped up and tried to intervene or persuade Carrie to keep Caroline in the program. She just stood there and watched. She made it a point to busy herself as Elizabeth turned around and never made eye contact with her. Elizabeth was befuddled and bewildered. Something was definitely going on. This was not about Julia at all. This was about Elizabeth. And she needed to find out what it was.
Michele was very busy being busy, in an obvious attempt to avoid any interaction with Elizabeth. It stung and made Elizabeth yearn for her days in the classroom with Susan, where every day was filled with laughter and camaraderie. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity of uncomfortable silence, Elizabeth said to her, "Michele, is something going on that I should know about?"
Michele looked like a deer trapped in headlights. "Um, no, but I need to get going. I'll be back later in the week to finish packing my stuff up." And before Elizabeth could even process it, Michele was out of the classroom. Elizabeth felt the wind go out of her sails, and she plopped down in a small plastic chair meant for one of the kids. She buried her face in her hands and cried. She didn't know what was going on, but something big was brewing. Obviously, she had made some people quite mad, and now it was even impacting her livelihood. What would Peter say if she were to be fired because parents were complaining about – what? That was the thing. She had no idea of what was going on. She just knew it was bad. And she doubted that she was strong enough to handle whatever this was.
Elizabeth got through the day, somehow. She worked in her classroom for as long as she could until it was time to be home for the school bus. She cried a few times, especially when she found a picture of Caroline. As soon as Peter got home, they ate the dinner that she had cooked, and then she cleaned up, without even waiting to see if Peter would pitch in. They had lost track of their "days" with all of Peter's traveling, so things had reverted back to the old way, where Elizabeth handled everything. However, tonight that needed to change, and she informed Peter he was responsible for baths and bedtime, at a reasonable hour, and that she would be going out.
Elizabeth got in her car and drove. Initially, she planned on driving over to the bike path and going for a nice, therapeutic walk or even jog. But when the turnoff came, Elizabeth kept driving. She was on autopilot, not even sure of a destination. About thirty minutes into her drive, she realized what she
was doing, and she pulled over. She was headed into the mountains, to Jack. She could not do this. She could not turn to him now. Again. Yes, he had helped her before, and had made her feel better. But that was a one-time occurrence, with extenuating circumstances. Last time, it had been pure coincidence, and she had not really been in her right mind, literally. This time was different. She knew why she wanted to see him now. She knew what turning to him this time would mean, and she would not permit herself to do it. However fractured and fragmented their relationship was, she was still Peter's wife.
She arrived back home and the house was dark. She hated that Peter refused to leave a light on for her when she was out in the evening. He would go to bed, not ever concerned that she made it home safely. She wondered if that would be different if he knew about the night she almost didn't arrive. After tripping and stumbling over some crap, cursing as she bumped her thigh on a chair, she finally traversed the kitchen, Elizabeth finally made it through the dark to the stairs, sliding her feet along like a blind person. Anger and confusion and hurt started to churn and brew in her head. She was horrified at her thoughts earlier in the evening. Part of her wanted to march into the bedroom, wake Peter's ass up, and take out her aggression in a physical manner.
But she didn't. She quietly and meekly turned a small light on in the bathroom so as not to disturb Peter. She searched around in the dark bedroom for her pajamas and then changed in the bathroom. She extinguished the bathroom light, and crept into bed, never disturbing the man with whom she shared it. She fell asleep, crying. Her dreams led her to an exotic setting, and let her unleash her passion with a man who was most definitely not her husband.
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