As Elizabeth stood there, Peter stormed past her. He grabbed his wallet, keys and phone and practically ran out of the house. Just standing there, Elizabeth realized that Peter had just left her.
CHAPTER NINETEEN: June 28, 2012
She so hadn't seen that one coming. She expected outrage. She expected Peter to fly off the handle, but she thought his anger would be directed at Jack, not her. She stood there for probably ten minutes, in a stunned silence. Darkness was slowly creeping into the living room, and Elizabeth realized it must be close to bedtime for the kids. Still in a daze, she wandered up the stairs and found the kids watching some cartoon in her room. She sat down on the bed, and Sydney immediately curled up next to her. She sat there, staring at the TV, but not absorbing anything that was going on until she realized that Teddy was talking to her. "Mom? Can we watch the next show? Please?"
"Oh, um, sure. Fine. But you’re going to bed right after that though."
"Thanks, Mom. You’re the best mom ever!"
If only such an easy solution could always win her such approval.
She put the kids in bed and turned out the lights. She lay there, on top of her blankets, wishing sleep would come and deliver her into oblivion. It didn't come. Finally, around midnight, Peter came home. She turned on her bedside lamp when she heard him coming in. Elizabeth sat there, motionless, just waiting for him to speak.
After what seemed like an eternity, finally he said, "I don't know if I can be married to someone I don't trust."
Elizabeth chose her words carefully. "Peter, you know I haven't been carrying on with Jack all over town. The book is fiction."
"Frankly, I don't care if you did or not. You didn't trust me. That's what this is about. You didn't call me when you got into trouble. You thought killing yourself was a better solution than telling me you were unhappy. You yourself said that the only reason you didn't totally give up was the kids. Not me, not us. You never once said what you had been through. How am I supposed to deal with that?"
"Peter, in my defense, you were pretty awful to me back then. Right before I hit the pothole and got the flat tire, all I could think about was not hitting a deer. You still give me shit about being run into by a deer. Like I planned it or something. Years later, you still bring up how much it cost you to get the car fixed."
Peter grunted.
"Yes, I was terribly unhappy. Obviously. I would guess that I was pretty depressed as well. Peter, you didn’t notice me. You never did. You still don't. I could dance around here naked, and you would only complain that I'm in the way of you watching TV. I work so hard around here, for the kids. For us. And all you do is comment about how I need to make more money. But the point is that I was so low that I wanted to die to escape my life, and you didn't notice."
"And all you do is talk about what the other mothers have to say. And who's wearing what, and what asinine snack you have to make." He shot back, defensive. She could tell he was thinking about his next retort, not listening to what she had to say.
"But don't you understand that I do all that crap for the kids? Do you realize that they've been out of school over a week, and not one friend has called for a play date? And it's not because of them, it's because of me. Well, not me really, but what people think I did."
"That's the stupidest thing I've heard. I highly doubt that a rational adult would prevent their kid from playing with Teddy or Sydney because of some book."
Elizabeth shook her head. She wanted to pull her hair out. "You don't get it. You never have. People care about this sort of thing. This sort of thing really matters. They don't want their kids playing at a house where the parents have loose morals. I don't think that it is unreasonable."
"So, what have people said when you told them it wasn't true?"
Elizabeth shook her head again. "That's the thing. I haven’t had the chance to defend myself. No one will even talk to me to listen. Plus, I'm not sure that I even can."
"What do you mean by that?" Peter asked incredulously.
"How do I do it?"
"What?" He was totally lost. His anger was still rolling off of him in waves.
"If I say nothing, then it is admitting guilt. If I deny it, people assume that I'm denying it because I'm guilty. You know what they say—"
"No, what?" He was clearly irritated.
" 'Gossip is never fatal until it is denied.' "
"That's bullshit. You tell everyone that the whole story is made up and it's bullshit."
"But it's not made up. There's enough truth to make it undeniable."
Peter walked into the closet. "Fine, have it your way."
Elizabeth assumed he was changing into his pajamas. She was again blindsided when he came out with a bag packed.
"What are you doing?"
"I can't be here right now."
"What do you mean that you can't be here right now?"
"I mean that I'm leaving for a while. I have no desire to be with you."
Elizabeth felt like she had been punched in the gut. "How can you say that?"
"You're not the person I thought you were."
"And who exactly did you think I was?"
"I thought you were someone who at least had enough spine to stand up to a bunch of bitchy biddies. I thought you trusted me enough to tell me when you've messed up."
"Whoa—what do you mean when I've messed up?"
"If you had just called me when you fucked up the car, then none of this would have happened."
"Are you kidding me?" Now, she was pissed. "You were in Michigan. What would you have done?"
"I would have called a tow truck and you would have been brought home. And none of this ex-boyfriend crap would have happened."
"Yeah, and you would have reamed me out endlessly about what a careless driver I am, and how I'm incapable of even a brainless task of changing the tire. And then you would have started in about how much money I cost you, as if I don't earn a salary."
"You barely do."
"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?" Elizabeth was livid. "I tell you that I was so miserable I wanted to die. I tell you that I almost died of exposure. I tell you that I was saved by an old acquaintance, who then turned the experience into a seedy whips and chains story. I tell you that the whole town knows that I'm the female in the story and thinks that I'm some sex-crazed, deviant whore. I tell you that the whole town, crap, the whole world, actually knows what I look like naked. And you fucking bring up how much money I make?"
"You'll see what really matters when you have to support yourself."
"I fucking knew it."
"Knew what?"
"That you would do this. When the whole 'incident' happened—"
"Oh, is that what we’re calling it now? An incident?"
"I don't know what to call it. The night my car went off the road, I was feeling so low. I really felt like our marriage was over. That we had nothing left. And being alone wasn't even the thing that scared me the most. You're gone so much that I'm used to it. Frankly, when you're here, you're so inattentive that I feel alone anyway. I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to support the kids. You've never understood why it was important for me to be here for them before and after school. You've never understood that I didn’t have kids just to leave them with strangers to raise them. You've never understood what it means to me to be able to be here for our kids. You've never understood me. All you've ever understood was dollars."
"So all I am to you is a paycheck."
"Jesus, Peter, I didn't say that. I've been fighting to save this marriage. I've been trying to change who I am just to please you. To make you want me again. But it hasn't been enough, has it? Because at the first sign of trouble, you pack your bags."
"I just need a break. I need to think about all of this. You've thrown a lot at me tonight."
"Of course you need a break. You've been home for all of a week. God forbid you actually stay and help me out," she said bitterly.
"You got yourself
into this mess, you get yourself out."
"Really? That's what you have to say? You're all pissed that I didn't trust you to help me out in a crisis, and now that I'm asking for your help, you're walking out?"
"Too little, too late."
"How can it be too little, too late? I only told you five hours ago?"
"But I don't know that I can get over that you've been keeping this from me for so long."
Elizabeth just shook her head. "What am I going to tell Teddy and Syd?"
It was like Peter just remembered their existence. A look of concern briefly flashed over his face. "Tell them that I'm away at work. I'll call soon to talk to them."
"Are you going to see them? Are you really going?"
"Elizabeth, I need some space to think about this. You are obviously not the person I thought you could be. I always thought that this insecurity, this need for constant validation would go away. I thought you would finally realize that the only person you need to please is yourself. But I guess you’re not there."
"I guess that's where you and I differ, Peter. I may be insecure. I may need validation. But I want to please you and the kids. I want to make you happy. Even if it comes at my own expense. You don't give a shit about anyone but yourself."
And with that, he turned and was gone. Again.
Elizabeth had thought that the moment in the snow and ice was rock bottom. She was wrong.
CHAPTER TWENTY: August 26, 2012
Elizabeth thought she should be excited about heading back school, but the emotion of excitement was well beyond her capabilities at this point. She had checked out. On fighting for her marriage. On her occupation. On her herself. The only thing that still mattered to her was her kids. Teddy and Sydney were the only reason she got out of bed in the morning. They were the only reason that she had not curled up into a ball and died.
However, she knew that that kind of intense focus was not healthy either. It made for the smothering and domineering type of relationship that Elizabeth had with Agnes. The controlling, the micromanaging. Elizabeth had always vowed never to do to her children what had been done to her. Of course, she had vowed to stay with Peter for better or for worse, too. Elizabeth now understood more of Agnes than she had ever imagined possible. She understood that her mother's need to be in complete and total control was in response to her own despair. Agnes was trying to manipulate her environment to provide the happiness that was lacking from within. But that's not how it worked. At least not for Elizabeth. While in the moment, the complete and utter control made Elizabeth feel better; when she reflected upon the event, she felt horrible.
Understanding why Agnes had been controlling to the point of demoralizing her only daughter unfortunately did not help Elizabeth make peace with the past. It actually infuriated her more. Elizabeth had been on this downward trajectory for ten long weeks, and she knew it had to stop. She just didn't know what to do. How to stop.
Her husband had left her. He hadn't filed formal papers yet, but he still said he didn't really want to speak to her or come home. She was still isolated from the people she had thought of as her friends in town. No one called her. When she was out running errands, no one smiled or even acknowledged her presence. She was still the recipient of harsh looks and scornful glares. Her mother tried to be supportive, but wasn't able, making snide comments about Elizabeth's inability to keep her husband happy.
Elizabeth worried incessantly about money. Peter had already moved some money out of the bank accounts. Some of "his" money. Based upon the history of bill payments and when bills were due, he put a limited amount of money in the account on a weekly basis. And since she was not working during the summer, she was totally dependent upon what crumbs he spared her. She was thankful that the few camps the kids had been signed up for had been paid in advance. There would have been no way she could have managed that.
And while it would not make a difference in the short term, Elizabeth immediately began making changes in order to save and stash money. In some ways, it made her feel devious. In other ways, she felt a righteous indignation that she was forced into such measures. She hoped the thought and effort put into the process would provide enough financial cushion to actually help her when Peter finally stopped paying the bills.
She unplugged several appliances in the house to conserve energy and turned the air conditioning temperature up by several degrees. She closed a few rooms off and kept shades drawn on the south side of the house when the sun was out. The kids seemed all right with it; Peter was the one who liked the house chilly. She opened windows when she could to supplement. She cleaned out and turned off the second freezer in the garage. She only left two televisions plugged in, one for her and one for the kids. She stopped blow drying her hair, and relied on natural light as much as possible. Peter thought the electric bill would be a certain amount, so she would still ask him for that same amount. If she could lower her bill, then she would pocket the difference.
Peter had kept a close watch over grocery budget for years, often cursing in disbelief about the amount Elizabeth spent on food. However, he still gave her the same amount every week for groceries. It didn't occur to him that she was buying less food since he wasn't there to eat it. For someone supposedly so smart, he could be kind of oblivious. So next, she renewed her efforts with cutting and using coupons. She was mindful about what she bought and started shopping at the bulk store that accepted coupons. She also shopped at the discount store in town. It no longer mattered if she didn't shop at Super Shop n' More. She used up what was in the freezer as well. She and the kids would play a game and try to figure out what to make with the random items in the freezer. This creative use of what she already had also reduced her grocery total on a weekly basis. When she got to the check out, she requested cash back in the amount of the coupons, plus the amount that she had saved by not having to feed Peter. The total on the credit card bill would look about the same, possibly slightly less (in case he caught on to the fact that she was only feeding three, not four). And most trips, she walked away with as much as fifty dollars.
She knew saving money in this way was a piddly drop in the bucket in the grand scheme, but she didn't know how else to start. She bought boxes of hair color (with coupons, of course). There was still a monthly budget line for her hair, and she hoped Peter would not see it. He most likely would, but even if she could get away with it for a month or two, she could save that amount for the time being. She must have been crazy to pay $150 for a cut and color. Eight dollar hair scissors kept her bangs under control, and with the discount, her hair color was under seven dollars. Still, ten dollars here, fifty dollars there. If she could keep it up, it might add up. She kicked herself for not doing this a while ago. On the other hand, she knew it would be nowhere enough to support herself, and she hated the time and attention to detail that she donated to this.
The only thing that had kept her going this summer was her friendship with Susan and Jayne. They opened up their house to Elizabeth and the kids, letting them hide out in the mountains. Susan and Jayne took them hiking and kayaking and other outdoorsy stuff that Elizabeth would never have dreamed of doing on her own. They had provided a reprieve for Elizabeth. They bought the food and provided shelter, and asked nothing of Elizabeth in return. They left her alone when she asked, and kept her company when it was blatantly apparent she needed it. Susan even became Elizabeth's personal hair colorist. The hard part of driving to and from Susan's house (other than the gas she was using) was that she had to pass Jack's house each time. She researched another route, but it would add about ten miles to the trip, and she wasn't willing to use up the extra gas. When she approached the house, she willed herself to look straight ahead, not even stealing a glance at the cozy house.
Although she had never come right out and said it, the kids understood that Elizabeth and Peter were no longer together. She overheard Teddy talking to Jayne about it one night. Her parents had divorced when she was about Teddy's age, so she ha
d some great words of wisdom for him. He seemed comforted by their talk. Elizabeth, however, felt even more like a failure since she didn't address it first with Teddy. There it was— the need to control. To dictate how her son found out and how he responded, including whom he sought out for support. She literally had to stop and make herself let it go.
It was the last week of summer vacation. Peter had texted her last week and informed her that he would be taking the kids to visit his parents for the week. He'd have them back on Labor Day. It would give Elizabeth time to get her classroom in order. She had neglected it all summer, and she could set up visits for new students to tour. It would work out very nicely for Elizabeth. She knew she would miss the kids, but Peter had not been around much this summer, and she knew how much they missed their father. Elizabeth was often relieved that Peter texted her, rather than calling her. He was less likely to make a harsh remark in a text than he was in an actual conversation.
He would be driving the kids out to his parents' house. As much as Elizabeth wanted to totally step back and let him try to plan and pack and maybe realize just how much work she did, she knew the only ones who would suffer if she let Peter take the reins would be Teddy and Sydney. She packed their clothes, shoes, and accessories for the week. She put together bags for the car and bought them a few new movies to watch. She took the portable DVD players out of her van and put them in Peter's car. She had each one of them pack a small bag to keep them entertained on the eight-hour drive and made sure their iPods were charged and had some new music on them. On Pinterest, she had found the idea to purchase small divided plastic cases and fill them with bite-sized snacks of all different sorts. She knew that was the sort of thing that would keep them occupied.
She did all of this because she loved her children. She did not want them to suffer, to be uncomfortable just because their father was a dick. She was still in a state of disbelief that he had left her over this. She could have seen him leaving if he believed that she was carrying on with Jack. But that was not it. Peter didn't seem to think that was the issue at all. He was perturbed that she turned to someone else, rather than him. That she never disclosed her unhappiness to him. She was equally irritated that he had never noticed her misery, nor her subsequent emotional turn-around. Much like he never noticed her style transformation.
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