Nancy breezed in like she owned the place. "Jeez, took you long enou—" She froze, looking at Elizabeth. The look was unmistakable. It was one of pure hatred. "I guess it shouldn't surprise me that you're here," she said. "I thought the van looked familiar."
"Why would that be Nancy?" Jack cut her off. "I was surprised that she was here. This is only the third time I've seen Liza in the past seventeen or so years, so I was pretty shocked when she pulled into the driveway."
"So you admit, that she's Liza," said Nancy in a triumphant manner.
"It was never any big secret. If she had actually ever read the book, Elizabeth would have known it from the get go." Jack was trying to keep the situation light. Perhaps he was afraid that there would be a physical confrontation between Elizabeth and Nancy.
"Nancy, I, ahh, let me explain." Elizabeth could no longer just sit there quietly.
"This ought to be rich." As Nancy sat down on the arm of the chair, John came running in. His hair was the exact color that his father's had been in high school. Elizabeth knew she had missed the resemblance, but only because she wasn't looking for it.
"John, I need to talk to Dad and Mrs. Zurlo for a moment. Can you go back outside until it's time for us to leave?"
"Sure, Mom. C'mon Harold." And with that, the reprieve was gone, and it was up to Elizabeth to speak again.
Before she could say anything, Jack cut her off. "Liza, you don't owe Nancy any kind of explanation."
"Yes, Jack, I do."
"I love this whole Liza and Jack thing." Nancy said acerbically. "It's like you have your own exclusive club. Of course, people into what you're into usually aren’t too exclusive. We know Liza isn’t."
"That's it, Nancy. Time to go." Jack started towards Nancy, leaving his relaxed position leaning in the doorway to the living room.
"No, wait!"
Both Nancy and Jack turned to look at Elizabeth. It was apparent that neither one had expected her to speak up in her own defense.
"Liza, you don't have to do this." Jack gave Elizabeth a pleading look.
"Yes, I do. Nancy is ... was, my friend. She deserves an answer. I was not the only one who felt deceived by your book."
"I didn't deceive anyone, let alone Nancy."
Before Nancy could speak, Elizabeth jumped in. "Yes, you did. You used her for information. You led her to believe that the book was going to be about her."
"I don't need you to defend me," Nancy cut in.
"Okay, Nancy, maybe you don't want me to defend you, but you will hear me out." Elizabeth's assertiveness surprised even her. "You don't need to like me, but you need to listen to me."
"Fine. I'm listening."
Jack was listening as well. He sat down on the couch, as far away from Elizabeth as he could get. But he never took his eyes off of her.
"Nancy, first of all, let me say that I don't owe you an explanation, but I want to give you one in the interest of what I thought was our new friendship. Secondly, I had no idea that Jack was your ex-husband. I obviously had no idea that he was J.P. Devaney, either. I wish I had, because it could have—well that's neither here nor there. I knew Jack in high school. I hadn't seen him since my freshman year in college until two Octobers ago. I had car trouble, and his was the nearest house that I was able to get to."
"So the story is true then, isn't it?"
"No, of course not! How could you think that?"
Nancy just shrugged, looking a little bored. She flicked her nails in irritation.
"I was having some marital problems and was pretty unhappy. Because of the storm, I had to stay here. Jack and I talked, kind of rehashing old times and such. That's all." She hoped her eyes didn't look guilty. She hoped that was all. She really needed to remember what exactly had happened between them.
Elizabeth continued. "The next time I saw Jack was at your party in June, when I literally ran into him coming out of the bathroom. I thought he was there as one of Archie's business people. We got to talking again, catching up on the past eighteen months, and then I realized that my ride had left. Jack offered to drop me off at home. It wasn't until three days later, when I saw him on TV, that I realized he had written the book. I still hadn't read past the first few pages. Once I saw the cover, and read some more, I realized how bad it looked. But by then, it was too late. Everyone in town was talking. Pretty horribly, too."
Jack interjected, "I never thought about how writing the book would affect Liza." Elizabeth wasn't sure she wanted Jack defending her, but she wanted—no needed—to hear his take on it. He continued. "Sally, my agent, and I had been talking about writing this kind of novel for my next project. I was holed up here trying to write something. Then, Liza showed up, pretty much frozen to death. Obviously writing took a backseat that weekend, but after she left, I couldn't get away from the idea of the long-lost love showing up out of the blue."
"So, you admit then that you loved her?" Of course, that was what Nancy picked up on.
"I wouldn't say that. What Liza and I had was complicated, but can probably best be described as poor timing. Anyway, the thought was there, and I just ran with it. I had already done all this research on the BDSM lifestyle, but I hadn't figured out how to tell the story in a new way. Then, thinking about Liza, I knew I wanted to set the story on the backdrop of an established suburban mother who uses it as an escape. I knew all about the one lifestyle, but I didn't know about the other, which is where you came into play. When I first asked for your Facebook access, I was just trying to see what kinds of things the average suburban mom talked about. But as I was writing the Nellie character, I couldn't get Liza out of my head. When I pictured Nellie, I saw Liza. I realized that you were friends on Facebook, and I felt like I had hit the jackpot when I realized I could see her pictures. It was like a gold mine for me. I had been having trouble describing Nellie and finding the right setting. The pictures were my inspiration."
"They weren't inspiration. You described them exactly." Elizabeth was still creeped out and pissed off by it.
"I didn’t think that anyone would pay that much attention."
"Jesus, Jack, even if anyone believed in me, those descriptions put the nails in my coffin. People remembered me being at those events, and wearing those clothes. They just assume that I snuck off with you. No one has even bothered to think about who I am and whether or not I would do something like that." She took a deep breath and then continued. "And I'm in a damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don't situation now. I can't defend myself. If I do, people will think that I'm acting to try and save face."
" 'The lady doth protest too much, methinks.' "
"Exactly. But if I say nothing, then it's a confirmation. I can't do anything. I'm completely and totally screwed no matter what I do."
"I guess I didn’t think about that."
Nancy interjected, rising to Elizabeth's defense. "Obviously not. You never think about these things, Jack. You're so impulsive sometimes."
"You didn't used to think it was a bad thing."
Elizabeth stood up. "Okay, I think that's my cue to leave." She put her beer bottle, still mostly full, on the end table and started toward the door.
"Elizabeth, wait! We still have some, um, things to discuss."
"No, Jack, I don't think I have anything left to say to you."
"You may not have anything to say to me, but I have a lot to say to you. And you need to hear me out. After that, you can never speak to me again."
Nancy called out to John. "Good-bye J.P. I'll be in touch with you about the arrangements for next weekend. Elizabeth." She nodded curtly, and headed out through the kitchen.
Elizabeth sat back down and took another drink. She didn't want to hear Jack out. She didn't want to hear what had actually happened that weekend. She knew that they had kissed. She remembered his lips on hers, holding her tightly, standing in front of the fire. Had she kissed him, or had he kissed her? Did it actually matter? Was kissing cheating? She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Yes,
it was. To her it was. She would consider it cheating if Peter had kissed someone else. That thought amused her. Peter was not a big kisser, much to Elizabeth's chagrin. She could not picture him kissing anyone else. She wondered if he could picture her kissing someone else. Elizabeth couldn't believe she had cheated on Peter. She couldn't believe she didn't remember it. Dammit. She was not any better than the woman in the book. All of her righteous indignation at the talk in town was certainly misplaced. Good thing Peter had already left her. She deserved it.
Jack came back in the room. He sat down in the armchair opposite Elizabeth on the couch. She couldn't bear the suspense any longer. "Did we sleep together?"
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE: August 26, 2012
"Yes."
Elizabeth's face fell. She couldn't believe she would do something like that. It was so out of character for her. How could she have done it? Why couldn't she remember it?
"But not in the way you think."
She sat up straight. "What do you mean? Will you just tell me what happened?" She was losing patience.
"We had been sitting on the couch talking for quite a while. You had told me about your marriage and how unhappy you were. What had brought you to the desperation of wanting to lie down in the cold and never get up."
"Yeah, I remember that part."
"It was pretty late. You stood up to go get another drink. I think I realized that you probably didn't need any more to drink, because you couldn't really stand up. I stood up behind you to tell you to get some water instead. You were wrapped in my big fuzzy blanket, and you tripped on it."
"I thought it was funny." She was slowly remembering.
"Yeah, you couldn't stop laughing. I had grabbed you to steady you. And I couldn't resist it anymore. You looked so beautiful, laughing so hard tears were starting to fall down your cheeks. And so I kissed you. I knew I shouldn't have, but I just couldn't not. We sat down on the couch and kissed for a little while. Hands may have wandered. But then you stopped me. You told me that you couldn't do that to your husband, no matter how much you wanted to."
"I stopped you?"
"Unfortunately, you did. I went into the kitchen to get you some water and Advil, and to cool off for a little while. When I came back, you were pretty drowsy. You asked me to sit with you, so I did. You were all cocooned in the big blanket, so it was pretty innocent at that point. You feel asleep almost immediately, and then I did for a while."
"When I woke up, I was alone. Well, not alone. I was being smothered by Harold."
"Yeah, I got up around five to let him out. I went back to my room after that, and I guess he took my spot. "
"So we 'slept' together."
"That's what you asked."
"Jesus Jack, you knew what I meant. You scared me half to death, thinking we had had sex."
"Trust me Elizabeth, sex with me is anything but scary, and you certainly would never forget it."
She stood up, not wanting to hear anything else from Jack. She knew that as mad as she was at him, there was part of her that was still tempted. She was disgusted at that, but she didn't know what else to do, how else to handle it, other than to always avoid Jack.
"I'm done. I need to leave now." She turned and was in the foyer before he called to her.
"Liza, wait!"
She paused, and then slowly turned. He had followed her out but gave her a respectable distance. "What is it, Jack?"
"Do you hate me?"
"I don't know. Hate is a pretty strong emotion." She paused, thinking, "Yes, I think I do hate you."
"Good."
"Good?"
"Yes, because the opposite of love is not hate. The opposite of love is indifference. Love and hate are very close to each other. If you hate me, then it won't be hard to get you to love me."
"Are you fucking kidding me?"
"No, I'm completely serious."
Elizabeth looked at his face. He was serious. The joking and teasing were gone. How could he possibly think that she would, or could, be interested after finding out about the book? It was bad enough that she had entertained those thoughts in the past, but it was even worse now that she knew how he had betrayed her. "Jack, how could you possibly think that I, that we, that you –" She couldn't even find the right words. "Even if I had ever even considered it or wanted it, I couldn't now. Not knowing what you did to me."
"What I did to you?"
"Writing that book about me."
Jack blew out a deep breath and ran his fingers through his hair, mussing it. Elizabeth had to resist the urge to go and do the same. "Liza, don't you see I didn't write the book about you. I wrote it for you."
"For me?"
"Come sit down. We need to talk this out."
"I, um," she glanced into the living room at the couch, "I don't think I should."
He pointed towards the kitchen. "Sit at the table, so there won’t be even the appearance of impropriety. You need to hear me out."
"I don't need to, Jack, but I will. This one last time. Then I'm done with you. You've seduced and deceived me for the last time. You were the first guy to do that to me, and damned if you won't be the last. I should have known that you couldn't be trusted."
"I guess I deserve that. I guess I can't be trusted. I can't even trust myself. Look what happens when I do." He shrugged, sinking into the chair perpendicular to Elizabeth.
"Do you have any idea what you've done to my life?" She didn't wait for him to respond. "Peter left me, saying that I can't be trusted. Not because he thinks that I cheated. Or maybe he does. I don't know, he doesn't share it with me. He is pissed because I turned to you for help, rather than him, and then I kept it from him. He doesn't want to deal with all the people in town talking about me, so he left. Of course, that just fueled the fire even more. You should have seen the looks I got when I went out and had accidentally forgotten to put my rings on. The smugness was so thick in the air that you could cut it. Nothing says 'guilty adulteress' more than an absent husband and a bare left hand."
"Are you getting divorced?"
"I don't know. We're not even legally separated. Finally, after the whole summer is over, he says he's ready to talk when he gets back with the kids. I don’t know that I have anything to say to him."
"Do you want him back?"
"I don't know. I feel like I should, because we promised each other, and because I don't want to destroy the kids' lives. Divorce is hard on kids, especially at the ages that they are."
"I know. I remember."
"Oh, that's right. I don’t want to put my kids through that if I don't have to. Would you rather have had your parents stay together?"
"No, my dad was not a pleasant man to deal with."
"I kind of remember thinking that he was an asshole ... no offense."
"No offense taken. He was an asshole, and he did an excellent job teaching me how to be one."
Elizabeth looked at him, a small smile threatening her lips.
"Don't rush to defend me there."
Elizabeth opened her mouth, but nothing came out. She smiled, and said, "If the shoe fits—"
"I've spent years analyzing my relationship with my dad. He was emotionally and physically abusive to both me and my mom. And all I ever heard from my mother was how I was just like him. I spent years thinking that I had no choice but to turn out the same way. And then freshman year in high school," he broke off, swallowing hard.
Elizabeth wasn't sure she liked where this was going.
"Well, let's just say one of the priests at school lived up to the reputation that priests so often have."
"Oh, Jack."
He slapped a hand down on the table. "Stop. I don't want your pity. When I finally told my parents, my mother drank herself into a stupor for about a year. My father told me I was asking for it, listening to all that 'queer' music that I did." The pain was palpable on his face. The years had done little to heal those wounds.
A tear ran down Elizabeth's face. "I know you don't wan
t my pity, but I'm sorry you went through it."
"Everyone is. But it fucked me up for a while. I hung out with people I shouldn't have. I dated girls I shouldn't have. I did things that I knew were wrong. But I drew the line with you."
"No, you didn't."
"Oh, believe me, I did."
"You remember, that night at Jaimie's house. You knew I was interested in you. You, I um, well, I never would have let you kiss me if I had known that you were not, well, whatever. I thought it meant something. I thought I meant something. And then, WHAM, you and Jaimie are together."
"Liza, what you were interested in, it was just kids' stuff."
"I know it was kids' stuff, but it was the principle. I was just sixteen, and I thought it was the whole world. I didn't know any better. Obviously, I'd been interested in guys before who wouldn't give me the time of day, but you were different. You seemed interested. You let me think you were, at least. And then, as soon as I leave, you're with Jaimie. What happened that night? How did you go from me to her? Why did you go from me to her?"
"I couldn't have you, so I let you go before I really did something bad to you."
"What do you mean, you couldn't have me? Couldn't you tell I liked you?"
Jack hung his head, staring at his hands that were clasped on the table. "I wasn't good enough for you. I would have just ruined your life."
"As opposed to now."
"See? Still fucked it up."
"How would you have ruined my life back then?"
"I would have broken your heart."
"You did that anyway." She gave him a half-smile.
"No, I didn’t really. You got over me pretty quickly, I seem to remember. It would have been a million times worse. I would have made you love me. I would have taken your love, your virginity, your innocence and sweetness. And I would not have given you anything back. I would have taken it all for myself, just as my innocence was taken from me." He splayed his hands on the table. "I was so angry. So cynical. I felt infallible. Until I met you. But I didn’t deserve someone so good. So pure. So unaware of the cruelties in the world. I wasn't good enough for you. You were so sweet, so fresh. Shy but friendly. You were so cute, trying to flirt. You were immediately infatuated with me."
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