by Jayne Hawke
The older woman two tables away from us pursed her lips and scrunched her face when Valentin said that. Her tight curls sat close to her skull and revealed the steel-grey roots she was trying to hide with a dark blonde dye. I smiled sweetly at her as we stood. Deep wrinkles creased around her hard brown eyes, and she huffed. We were depriving her of her entertainment.
I followed Valentin out of the cafe and tried to decide it was a good idea to go back to his place. A large part of me desperately wanted information, and a chance at seeing Valentin’s bedroom. The other, far more sensible part said that I only had my smaller knife on me, and he was an experienced predator. He’d have the advantage in his home, and I barely knew him.
The curious lustful side won out.
“I’d love to go back to yours and really talk. Thanks,” I said smiling.
Valentin’s fingers grazed mine before he walked ahead to his car. He opened the passenger door for me, and I ducked down into the comfortable seats.
His place looked very different in the daylight. It was a modern building with little touches that made it into something more than a plain box. A simple moulding sat around the upper windows, giving them a more natural look with a leaf pattern. The curtains and blinds were all in modern greys and steely blues, which fit Valentin well. He was confident in his designer jeans and well-fitted expensive t-shirt. Everything about him was sleeker and more finished than with Cole or Jake.
I followed him through into the kitchen, where he made more coffee. The scent was rich and fruity. It made my mouth water. I’d loved coffee from a young age, but the coffee I had that day was something else.
“Why would the rogue’s killings reduce if I was around them?” I finally asked.
“Because you’re a very special woman, Rosalyn.”
As much as I was thrilled to hear that, I still raised an eyebrow and allowed my suspicion to show. He turned to face me and leaned against the countertop with his strong arms crossed, flexing his biceps.
“Sometimes a rogue will become fascinated with one particular person. That person will become their anchor, something they use to regain some semblance of control over themselves. The more time they can spend with that person, the closer to a normal, healthy garou they become.”
Great. So, there was a chance the rogue was my creepy stalker and I was somehow helping them be less of a rogue.
Valentin walked over to me with that gentle smile on his face.
“He could have developed some feelings for you before the blood moon. The blood moon gave him the opportunity to turn you and claim you for himself. Garou form life-bonds when they find their life-partner. And a turned has a deep bond with the one who turned them.” He sat down next to me, his hand resting gently on mine. “Cole taking you as his shadow deepened that bond and gave him time to bring you around to the idea of being his life-partner.”
31
A SHIVER RAN DOWN MY spine. It all sounded too calculating when he put it like that. There wasn’t much of a bond there with Cole, though. He irritated me, and I clearly frustrated him. I wasn’t going to deny that he was easy on the eyes, but I wasn’t dying to jump into his bed or anything.
Valentin rubbed his thumb over the back of my hand.
“Promise me you’ll be careful?”
I smiled.
“Of course.”
It was so easy to relax around him. I tried not to. Jake’s mom had taught us that if you trusted someone immediately, you shouldn’t trust them at all. He was so kind and gentle, though. It was a refreshing break from the world around me.
“How would I know if he was the rogue?” I asked.
Valentin got back up to pour the coffee. The aroma filled the kitchen. It had far more depth than the coffee I usually drank. Maybe I’d be able to get a little from him to take home.
“That’s difficult.”
He was holding something back. I could feel it.
“If he is using you as an anchor, then he will be look and act like a normal, healthy garou.” He set the coffee down in front of me. “You’ll need to find evidence to provide to the council.”
“Like what?”
“Proof he killed one of the victims.”
I sighed. The rogue was removing any evidence from the kill sites that we’d found so far. This was looking like an impossible task. I rubbed my temples, trying to think this through. I needed to do some more research. I was missing something somewhere.
“Has he been helping you connect with your wolf side?”
“He gave me some zen stuff about ‘I am the wolf.’”
Valentin laughed and I found myself relaxing again.
He reached out and stroked my cheekbone. I started to lean into the touch but caught myself.
“He’s not wrong. You are the wolf. Have you tried visualising yourself in your wolf form?”
I’d always been really bad at that type of thing.
Valentin scooted around to face me entirely. His knees slipped around mine, enclosing my legs between his. He took my hands in his and looked into my eyes.
“Take a slow breath, close your eyes, and allow yourself to slip into your wolf side.”
I felt like a complete fool even trying it, but I gave it a shot anyway. I exhaled slowly and closed my eyes. My wolf side was right there, eager to be closer to Valentin and run my hands up over his strong thighs. I swatted those thoughts away, which only irritated it. This was so ridiculous. If someone would have told me I’d be visualising stepping into my wolf side a couple of weeks ago, I’d have laughed until my sides hurt.
The image of the wolf, a slender wolf with a red and cream coat, walked towards me. I continued to slow my breathing and found myself going down onto four paws in my mind. Something clicked, and the two sides of myself blurred.
Valentin squeezed my hands, and I opened my eyes to find him looking at me with great pride.
“How did that feel?”
I frowned and tried to understand how I felt. I was me, but I wasn’t. There was a sensation that while all my thoughts and emotions were my own, they weren’t the old mes. The lust was just below the surface, but it was more natural, it was my own rather than the separate wolf’s. My caution over the entire situation washed over and coloured everything else. When I poked at my own mind, I could feel the separate wolf side, but it wasn’t vivid and distinct any more.
Being down on four paws in my own mind felt natural. It was as though I’d put on a weird furry hoodie, the other skin didn’t feel like a separate being. I tried to remember what people had said about the very first garou. There were myths that they were witches who had bound their souls with wolves. In that moment, I wondered if they were right. I wasn’t entirely myself any more. There had been clear and distinct changes. I was in control, but there was something else. Something far more than the fur and four legs. A change in my overall outlook and approach to the world. It was a very weird sensation.
“Really weird.”
He laughed and handed me my coffee.
“I’ll be here to help you every step of the way, Rosalyn. Don’t worry about Cole, we’ll find a way to get you free of him.”
32
VALENTIN DROPPED ME back home not long after we finished our coffee. I jumped into my Mustang and tore over to Cole’s, where I banged on his door until he opened it. He greeted me with a raised eyebrow as he casually leaned against the doorway with his arms crossed.
“Why didn’t you tell me I belong to you!?”
“Excuse me?”
“When I became your shadow, you took ownership of me!” I shouted.
He rolled his eyes.
“It’s not my fault you didn’t ask any questions or read the fine print on the bond.”
“You’re a complete dick, you know that!?”
He shrugged.
“You’re an overeager little girl who wouldn’t last two minutes in this world without me.”
I snarled and quickly covered my teeth again as I realised ho
w stupid I looked.
“How dare you?” I growled.
“An intelligent person would be looking at exactly how much control I have and why, rather than shouting and throwing a hissy fit,” Cole said coolly.
I hated him in that moment. Worse, I hated how right he was.
He looked at me with that infuriating smirk and waited as I calmed myself.
“Fine. What are the boundaries and how much control do you have?”
He pushed off from the doorframe and stepped out closer to me.
“I control if and when you leave my territory. You’re not allowed to even think about joining another pack without my say-so. And even if you did join another pack, you’re mine until the fifty years are up. If I say jump, you say how high.”
Smugness practically rolled off him. I wanted to wipe that smirk off his face. He stepped into my space. He was so close, he was practically stepping on my toes.
Still, he leaned in so his mouth was barely an inch from mine.
“You belong to me, and you desperately need me. Without me, you’ll be eaten alive in this world.”
“Did you send those garou after me yesterday?”
He frowned. Confusion flitted over his face.
“What? Why would I do that? Having you as my shadow is very beneficial.”
I didn’t hear a hint of falsehood in his voice. There was just confusion.
He shook his head.
“I warned you that plenty of garou don’t like turned and don’t think you should exist.”
He turned his back to me and started to head back into his house.
“Now, if you’ll kindly go away, I have more important business to attend to.”
With that, he shut the door in my face.
I felt like a complete fool. There was a very real chance that I’d given control over to the rogue. Valentin’s words echoed around my mind. I needed to find proof one way or the other if Cole was the rogue. If he was, I’d be free of him. I could claim the territory as mine, or perhaps co-own it with Valentin. He was the stronger, more experienced garou; he would be able to defend against other territory claims much more easily than I could.
Now to find the proof.
33
I WAS DIGGING AROUND the Grim looking for how to get evidence someone was a rogue, and if there had been any more sightings or information on the rogue, when Jake returned. It was coming up on midnight. I’d assumed that he was crashing somewhere else for the night.
He smelled different. I wrinkled my nose and felt horrified when I realised I thought that to myself. There was a metallic tang to him now. Not blood, something more like silver, maybe. I didn’t look up from the laptop. I was still upset at, well, everything.
Jake sat down next to me, his thigh almost pressed against mine. A couple of weeks ago, that would have sent a thrill through me. That night, it just irritated me.
“It worked,” he said softly.
I looked at him and saw the gold specks in his eyes and the slight point to his ears. He looked at me with a small smile that made me want to hug him and hide him from the world.
“I, er... apparently my magic is a little chaotic and will be for a while. I have mom’s magic, the cait sidhe stuff. I can feel when death’s nearby, people’s life essence, and I think I can manipulate life essence, too. My father’s side is more complicated. Apparently, sidhe magic depends on your personality, so I don’t really know how that will manifest yet.”
He looked scared. The little creases around his eyes were deepening, and he kept shifting his weight in the couch. I broke down. I wasn’t a monster. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I pulled him tight to me and buried my head in his neck. He returned the gesture, and we remained entwined until his breathing eased and the feeling of fear faded from him.
“I’m sorry I’ve been a dick, Rosalyn. I’m just caught up in something complicated, and I don’t want you hurt.”
I bristled at that.
“I’m not a weak little girl.”
Cole might disagree with that statement, but I could still handle myself in a fight.
“I know.” Jake caressed my cheek with a gentle smile.
He leaned in slowly. It was just how I’d dreamed of it happening for the past six or more years. We were close. His hand slipped up around the back of my head, where his fingers dug into my hair. His eyes were soft, and his lips were slightly parted. My chest tightened, and my heart stuttered in my chest. His scent wrapped around me, and I froze.
Jake’s lips brushed over mine, but I pulled away feeling betrayed and confused. Dad was right. Jake had been leading me on for years while I’d put my life on hold for him. Now that he needed some emotional support, he was taking advantage of the knowledge that I loved him. He had always said that he didn’t want to hurt me, but in that moment he broke my heart.
“Rosalyn? I thought this was what you wanted?”
I wiped away the tears that tumbled down my hot cheeks and tried to choke down the hurt and focus on the calm logical side of myself.
“For years you’ve screwed other women, and I waited for my time with you. I was an idiot, Jake O’Connor. I clung onto some pathetic dream that one day you would see me for the strong capable woman that I am. I trained, and I kept trying to show you that I’m good enough, that I can handle whatever fae stuff gets thrown at you. I’ve kicked ass by your side, I’ve saved you, and yet you still kept me at arm’s length. That wasn’t fair. I know it’s not your fault that I put my life on hold. But this? Now? It’s not fair, and I’m not doing it. I’m not living my life on your terms anymore.”
He looked stunned. His eyes were wide, and his mouth hung open. I got up and washed my face in cold water, trying to scrub away the shame and the heat that burned my cheeks. This wasn’t how things were supposed to work.
“I’m sorry,” Jake said softly from the doorway.
I dried my face and swallowed down the sobs that threatened to rise.
“I’ve been a selfish jerk. I really did just want to keep you safe. I’d be lost without you, but I know it wasn’t fair treating you like I did.” He dragged his fingers through his hair. “I really do care for you and think you’re hot as sin.”
“But?” I demanded.
He searched for the right words, and the familiar anger surged forward. I embraced it like a security blanket, wrapping it around me and protecting me from the pain of heartache.
“But I’m scared that if we do this, if we become more than friends, I might lose you. I can’t lose you.”
“So, what was that?” I pointed at the living room. “You don’t kiss friends.”
He squeezed his eyes closed and pinched the bridge of his nose.
“I’m sorry. I got caught up in the moment.”
And that was it. That was when I knew there would never be anything more with him.
He stepped into the bathroom and held his arms open for a hug.
“Now that you’re a garou it’s been on my mind a lot, that maybe we can make it work. Can I get a little more time and a hug?”
In that moment, I wondered what I’d ever seen in him. He stood before me as a selfish jerk who didn’t give a damn about my feelings or the sacrifices I’d made thanks to the hope he gave me.
Sighing, I gave him a hug. He wasn’t perfect, but I still loved him. He was still my best friend and anchor. And I was an idiot with no one else to turn to.
34
I’D BEEN IGNORING COLE’S calls after the whole shadow thing. I didn’t want to seem desperate, so I hadn’t texted Valentin. That left me with Jake.
He’d been making an extra effort. Every morning, I got up to a full cooked breakfast, and he helped me look through the Grim for jobs I could do to pick up some extra money. My bank account was almost empty, and it was hurting me to have to lean on Jake to pay for everything.
The bags that Cole had given me from the shopping trip sat in the corner of my room reminding me that the shadow ball was in my not-too-distan
t future. The mark on my left forearm didn’t let me forget that I was bound to him. I sat on the edge of my bed and just looked at the bags. I hadn’t opened them. There wasn’t anything in there I could use outside of the ball anyway.
“Are you coming for a sparring match?” Jake asked hopefully from the doorway.
He’d been joining me out on runs every morning before he disappeared to try and get a handle on his magic. He’d said that he didn’t want to hurt me, what with his magic being tied into life and all. A sparring match sounded great. Even with the daily runs, I was feeling as though I was stuck inside an increasingly small cage. It felt as though the walls were closing in around me, and there was only so much baking and TV watching I could do.
I’d applied for a couple of merc jobs on the Grim, but no one wanted to hire the freshly turned garou. They thought I was too much of a liability. Even the measly delivery jobs turned me down.
“A sparring match sounds great,” I said flatly.
I needed to do something to burn off the frustration, and beating Jake up felt like a good way to do that. In the past, sparring had been a good stress reliever and bonding exercise. That day, I was just looking forward to venting. Maybe it wasn’t fair to use Jake as a literal punching bag, but it was where I was at.
Jake relaxed and closed the door, giving me some privacy to change into a pair of shorts and a sports bra. The weather was heating up. I didn’t want to wear more than I absolutely had to.
WE PULLED UP IN FRONT of the old barn building where we’d been sparring since we were teenagers. The roof was still in good condition, but the walls had seen better days. It was enough to keep the bare dirt floor inside dry, and that was all we really needed.
The trees were beginning to encroach on the barn, slender branches stretching out over the roof. Climbing plants made their way up the wooden walls and formed striped shadows over the windows. We headed inside as we had done so many times before. I smiled and breathed in the smell of old wood and dry dirt. It had been too long since we’d been there. A sparring session was exactly what I needed.