He felt cold to his bones.
“Merry Christmas,” he whispered and laughed, the sound sharp and brittle.
Chapter 12
Christian had seen some unlikely couples before, but nothing had ever come close to the affair between his best friend and Professor Rutledge. Except it wasn’t even an affair anymore: Shawn had actually moved in with Rutledge, which was mind-boggling on so many levels Christian still had trouble believing it.
“Ashford,” Rutledge greeted him, opening the door.
“Professor,” Christian said awkwardly and entered the house. The man might be his best friend’s lover, but there was no way in hell he could call Rutledge by his first name.
“Shawn is there,” Rutledge gestured to the door to his left before giving Christian a hard look. “I’m working, so do not disturb me. Keep your voice down.”
“Yes, sir,” Christian said. What was it about this man that made him feel like he was three inches tall?
The door opened and Shawn’s head emerged. “Are you bullying Christian again?” he said with an eye-roll.
Rutledge raised an eyebrow. “Me? Bullying?”
Giving him a long-suffering look, Shawn walked to Rutledge and kissed him. “Go work on your book while you still can. Don’t forget that you promised Bee and Emily you’d take them shopping. They’re super excited—they’ve wanted a puppy for ages.”
“Yes, black and fluffy,” Rutledge said with a pinched expression on his face.
Shawn grinned. “And with a white star on its forehead! That’s very important for Emily.”
Rutledge gave him a glare. “What if there’s no such puppy?”
“I’m sure you can bully people into finding you one,” Shawn said. “Go work before they wake up.”
Shaking his head and looking moderately irritated, Rutledge kissed Shawn on the lips and headed upstairs, presumably to his office.
“This is seriously creeping me out, man,” Christian said, blinking.
Shawn snorted and led him into the room. “Sometimes it still weirds me out, too.” He flopped down onto the couch and smiled widely. “But I’ve never been so happy.”
Christian looked around the elegant room. “I bet it doesn’t hurt that he’s loaded, huh?”
Shawn just laughed. “So,” he said, turning the TV off. “What’s up with you lately?” He looked at Christian intently, his blue eyes serious. Those were some beautiful eyes, but they were light blue, not at all like—
Christian cringed. This was getting ridiculous.
“I mean, I’ve been a shitty friend lately,” Shawn said with a sheepish look. “Things have been crazy, and Derek practically took over my life. I know it’s a bad excuse, but—”
“Don’t sweat it,” Christian said, sinking into a comfy-looking armchair.
“So, what’s up?” Shawn asked. “You’ve been kind of weird for a while.”
Christian rubbed the corner of his left eye. “Remember the threesome I had with Mila and her boyfriend?”
Shawn nodded, but he was frowning. “Wasn’t it a month ago?”
“Yeah,” Christian said. “The thing is, it wasn’t the only time it happened. Basically, it’s been going on for a month—well, until Christmas.”
Shawn’s eyes widened slightly. “For so long? But you usually don’t…”
“No, I usually don’t,” Christian said quietly.
There was a long silence, during which Christian found three screws on the ceiling and one small stain on the wall that might have been a bug at one time, though he couldn’t imagine Rutledge smashing a bug.
“Are you in a relationship with them?” Shawn said, his voice slow and confused.
The laugh that left Christian’s throat was a bit strained. “No. They’re a couple, and I’m their fuck-toy. That’s it.”
“You aren’t telling me something. I know you, Chris.”
Christian looked at his hands.
“I don’t want a threesome,” he whispered.
“You mean…” Shawn sounded shocked.
“Yeah. I’m fucking jealous. And I hate it. It’s driving me nuts.”
“Jealous of whom? Him…or her?”
“Her,” Christian said, his voice flat. “I hate watching her touch him, and kiss him—and fuck him.” Christian chuckled. “I know; it’s ridiculous. She has every right to touch him—she’s been his girlfriend for two years. I’m nothing to him. But…”
“Are you in love with him?”
Christian licked his lips. “I—I don’t know.” He smiled humorlessly. “If this is love, it fucking sucks. I always thought love was supposed to make people happy. I’ve never felt so shitty before. It’s not even just sex. I hate it when I see them together, when I watch them be all couple-y and cute. She can touch him whenever she wants. She holds his hand. She spends nights with him—she lives with him.”
He met Shawn’s eyes. “I’m starting to hate her, you know. She doesn’t deserve it. She’s a fun, nice girl. I used to like her. And now I kinda want to claw her eyes out, stomp my foot like a kid and shout ‘Mine!’ every time she touches him. And I’m sure she already knows I want more of him. She wants me gone. I know that.” Chris snorted. “And I can’t say I blame her.” He sighed heavily, running a hand over his face. “It’s driving me nuts. And it’s…it’s fucking stupid. I barely know him. I don’t understand him. But it’s like… I can’t separate sex from emotion, you know? I always could before, but with him, I just can’t. I want to please him. Want him to like me. It’s fucking ridiculous.”
Shawn was silent for a while before asking quietly, “What about him? Do you think it’s one-sided?”
Slumping back in the armchair, Christian sighed again. “I don’t know. He’s very hard to read. Sometimes I think there’s something there, but… but I don’t think he treats his girlfriend any different than he used to. He’s always so…attentive to her. Still the perfect boyfriend.”
Shawn’s mouth set in a grim line. “Don’t shoot the messenger, but… if he felt the same way you do, wouldn’t he be jealous of her, too? Their relationship would have deteriorated. If they’re still fine, it… it doesn’t really look good for you.”
Christian’s stomach churned. He knew Shawn was right. The same thought had occurred to him, too. “I know.”
They both fell silent.
“What are you going to do?” Shawn said at last.
Christian bit the inside of his cheek.
“The smart thing,” he said, meeting Shawn’s eyes. “Quit while I still can.”
Chapter 13
Alexander felt restless. Edgy.
He couldn’t remember the last time he had felt so restless. Mila was snuggled up into his side, watching TV, but he was half-tempted to push her away and—and do something else.
Outside, the wind was howling fitfully down the street, drowning the distant roar of traffic.
Alexander stretched his arm over the back of the couch and drummed his fingers on the upholstery.
“What’s wrong with you?” Mila said, turning her head to him.
“I’m bored,” he said. It was as good an explanation as any. Perhaps he was bored. He’d never been a fan of the holiday season.
“Maybe I can entertain you?” she murmured with a smile, her fingers sliding to his crotch.
Alexander considered it. Sex was a good idea. Maybe it was exactly what he needed to get rid of this strange restlessness.
“All right,” he said. “Suck me off.”
He leaned back as Mila slid onto the floor in front of him.
Alexander closed his eyes.
She was good at giving head, but today it took him a while to get hard. He had trouble shutting his brain off, and even when he finally came, it was barely satisfying.
His restlessness was still there.
“Thanks,” he told Mila, zipping his jeans up.
She gave him an odd look but said nothing, snuggling into his side again.
Alexa
nder fixed his gaze on the screen and drummed his fingers on the back of the couch.
Mila sighed.
After what felt like a century, the doorbell rang.
Relieved to have an excuse to leave the couch, Alexander went to open the door.
Chocolate brown eyes and full lips were the first things he saw.
“Hey,” Christian said.
“Hello,” Alexander heard himself say. He grabbed Christian’s jacket and dragged him inside.
Christian’s lips were very cold, but his mouth was hot and wet—and sweet. Christian made a small noise, wrapping his arms around him, and Alexander groaned and pushed him against the wall, his hands working on Christian’s jacket—too many clothes—
“Christian?”
Mila.
Sighing, Alexander forced himself to stop kissing Christian and step back.
“Hey,” Christian said, looking between them. Alexander didn’t see Mila’s expression, because he was looking at Christian, but Christian looked uncomfortable all of a sudden.
“You’re back already?” Mila said mildly.
Christian’s body stiffened even more. “Sorry—I didn’t mean to intrude. Just wanted to tell you guys that… I think… It’s been a while, and it’s been fun, but…” He smiled crookedly. “It was getting boring. You know I’m not really the type to stick around.”
Alexander went still.
Beaming, Mila walked closer. “Oh, I get it, no worries! I was wondering when you’d get bored of us.” She wrapped her arm around Alexander’s waist and kissed him on the shoulder. “We must be proud, love. We managed to keep Chris around for a whole month.”
Christian smiled faintly and pushed his hands into his pockets. “I guess I’ll see you around.”
And then he was gone.
Alexander stood very still, the room eerily quiet. Darker.
The wind howled outside, rattling the window panes, and he flinched. He found Mila watching him.
“What?” he said.
“Nothing,” she replied before smiling. “What do you want for dinner?”
“I’m not hungry,” he said, turning away.
Chapter 14
“Stop staring at them, man. You’re being too obvious.”
Christian turned away quickly and looked at Shawn. “I wasn’t staring.”
He wasn’t sure what was worse: the obvious, badly hidden pity in Shawn’s eyes or the way his pulse sped up the moment he had seen Alexander.
It had been two weeks.
Pasting a smile on his face, Christian leaned back against the bench they were sitting on, looking anywhere but at Mila and Alexander. “They seem pretty happy, yeah?”
Shawn shrugged, casting a look in their direction. “I don’t know. She’s smiling, but his face is mostly blank.”
Christian chuckled. “Means nothing. He’s got the best poker face I’ve ever seen. If he doesn’t want you to know what he feels or thinks, it’s incredibly hard to guess. Though sometimes he slips up.”
Shawn’s pitying look worsened, and it set Christian’s teeth on edge. He was fine, damn it. So he had gotten a bit attached, so what? He wasn’t heartbroken or anything.
“Are they gone already?” he asked a moment later.
Shawn glanced at them again. “Nope.” An amused smile lit his face. “Derek just walked over to them. Mila failed his class, you know. She has to retake it, and Derek hates when he has to waste his time on students who’ve already failed once. The poor girl looks terrified.”
Christian turned his head.
Sure enough, Professor Rutledge was looming over Mila, a scowl on his face as he berated her for something. Mila was nodding so quickly one might think that her head would fall off if she didn’t stop. Christian would have smiled if his gaze wasn’t helplessly drawn to Alexander again.
Alexander was watching the exchange between Mila and Rutledge with an indifferent expression on his face, his hands in the pockets of his gray coat. His coat was unbuttoned, and the blue shirt tucked in at his flat stomach was an almost perfect match for his eyes.
“You’re staring again,” Shawn said, elbowing him, and Christian averted his gaze. Shawn chuckled. “Not that I blame you. He’s ridiculously handsome. Though, personally, Derek is much hotter.”
Christian gave him an incredulous look.
“He is,” Shawn said, smiling. “He’s got that ‘tall, dark, and scary’ thing going on.”
Christian snorted. “Scary? Definitely. Serious question: does he criticize you during sex too?” Christian did his best to imitate Rutledge’s voice, “Your performance is subpar, Wyatt. Make an effort to squeeze you muscles around my—”
Laughing, Shawn pulled him into a playful headlock.
Someone cleared their throat pointedly.
His neck still wrapped in Shawn’s arm, Christian looked up. His grin disappeared as Alexander’s eyes met his.
They were cold as ice.
Shawn released him, and they both straightened up.
“Hey,” Christian said, trying to sound casual and indifferent. He wasn’t sure how successful he was.
“Hello,” Alexander said, his face blank. His eyes flickered to Shawn. “You won’t introduce me to…your friend?”
“Sure. This is Shawn Wyatt. Shawn, this is Alexander Sheldon.”
“Nice to meet you,” Shawn said, reaching out to shake Alexander’s hand.
Christian looked around. “Where’s Mila?”
“She went with Professor Rutledge to get her assignment.”
“Ah,” Christian said, lacing his fingers together in an attempt to keep his hands still.
Alexander had a very odd expression on his face: tight, almost pained.
The silence stretched, becoming awkward.
But Alexander didn’t move, his hands in his pockets, his shoulders straight and his eyes on Christian.
Shawn coughed. “So where do you work, Alexander?”
Alexander looked at Shawn. “I own a small company that provides translation and linguistic validation services.”
“Sounds interesting,” Shawn muttered.
Alexander’s gaze returned to Christian.
Several minutes passed in silence, Alexander’s eyes filled with something Christian couldn’t put his finger on.
It was the most awkward silence of awkward silences, and Christian scrambled to think of something to say. He tried, but couldn’t.
His lips parted slightly and he took a greedy gulp of air.
Alexander’s lips pressed together. “See you,” he said stiffly and strode away.
“Well, that was weird,” Christian said, slumping back in his seat.
Shawn had a strange look on his face. “Okay, my experience with men is very limited, so I might be totally wrong, but he looked at you like he…”
“Like what?”
Shawn appeared a bit uncomfortable. “Like he wanted to lick you from head to toe.”
Christian groaned. “Don’t say stuff like that to me. I’m just getting over him.”
The look Shawn gave him was skeptical—annoyingly so.
“I am!” Christian said. He pursed his lips. “Besides, even if you’re right, it doesn’t change a thing.”
He looked towards the parking lot where Mila was climbing into Alexander’s car. “He has a girlfriend,” he said flatly, watching the car pull away. “He won’t leave her.”
Shawn slung an arm around him and squeezed his shoulder. “Fuck him, then. He’s just a guy—okay, a very hot guy, but just a guy. Look around. Half of the school wants you. You can have any of them.”
Christian forced out a smile. “Yeah. You’re right.” Rutledge was walking towards them. “I know I’m irresistible and all, but you’d better stop feeling me up before your hubby kills me.”
Shawn laughed. “Derek’s not my husband.”
“Come on. He pretty much is.”
Rutledge came to a halt in front of them and regarded them with a raised eyebrow.<
br />
Grinning, Shawn leaned even closer to Christian and winked at Rutledge.
“He’s like a brother to me,” Christian said, just in case.
Rutledge looked at Shawn flatly. “If you’re done trying to make me jealous, let’s go. The new babysitter is supposed to arrive in an hour. We don’t have much time to get home.”
“Not your husband, huh?” Christian murmured as Shawn stood up.
Shawn gave him a sheepish look and followed Rutledge to his car.
Christian watched them go. They didn’t touch—they were in public, after all, and relationships between professors and students were frowned upon—but their body language betrayed them. The way they leaned towards each other, the way Shawn smiled at Rutledge, the expression in Rutledge’s eyes... Only a blind person wouldn’t see that they were totally crazy about each other.
Looking away, Christian wrapped his jacket tighter around himself and stroked his arms, trying in vain to shake off the cold feeling.
It was freezing today.
* * *
“You look tense,” Mila said as they pulled away from the parking lot.
Alexander said nothing, focused on driving.
Mila chewed on her lip, studying him from the corner of her eye. She was worried. She had thought that once Christian stopped coming, everything would go back to normal. And it seemed like it had, but something was off; she could feel it.
Alexander had been behaving more or less normal. The problem was, she wasn’t sure how much of it, if any, was acting. Alexander could hide what he was thinking almost effortlessly.
Yet he couldn’t hide the tension in his muscles and the way his fingers were clenching the steering wheel.
Mila hesitated before asking casually, “I saw Christian out there. Did you say hello?”
“Yes.”
She didn’t like the answer, but she supposed it would have been stranger if Alexander had ignored Christian.
“Did he introduce you to Shawn?”
“Yes.”
“Shawn’s very handsome, isn’t he? There’s a rumor they’re fucking.” Mila bit her tongue. She wasn’t in the habit of lying, but she wanted emotion, wanted a reaction from him. She wanted to know.
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