by Romy Sommer
“Why didn’t you tell me you were injured? You shouldn’t even have taken on my training, should you?” She didn’t wait for him to answer. “Why should I give up everything I’ve worked for this last decade for you? You haven’t even been honest with me. You’re no better than Paul was. It’s all about what you want.” She swallowed visibly, and her eyes shone with tears. “How can I even trust you?”
He didn’t have any answers for her. If he was a woman, he wouldn’t trust himself, either. He’d been a player all his life. But with Nina he felt like a better man. She made him want to be a better man.
Especially now when he could see that the selfishness was only a shield against hurt.
“I’m not Paul and I’m not your mother,” he said, laying a hand on her arm. “I won’t leave you when the going gets tough.”
She shrugged away from his touch, crossing her arms protectively across her chest. “It doesn’t matter. The only person I can rely on is me.” She faced him, lifting her chin. “We said we’d end this when it got awkward or stopped being fun. It just became both. In case that wasn’t clear enough: I am breaking up with you. You and I are over.”
The sparks were no longer in her eyes. She was calm now. Too calm. He’d lost her.
“What about the baby?”
She blinked. He had a suspicion she was trying very hard not to think about the baby.
“I’ll take care of it.”
He flinched. He hoped she didn’t mean what he thought that meant.
But he couldn’t reason with her now. Not in the state she was in, and not without making this worse between them. He could only pray that when she’d had a chance to calm down, to absorb this news, she’d see reason.
“My offer is still on the table if you change your mind.”
He let himself out the back door, whistling for Sandy. All he wanted right now was a run on the beach, to clear his thoughts and ease his frustrations. But even if he hadn’t still been dressed in his penguin suit, he wouldn’t have been able to run.
He may not have been convinced he needed surgery a month ago, but now he was. His hip locked up more than ever these days, and even medication was no longer able to keep the pain at bay. At a slow walk he headed along the familiar path toward the pub, Sandy bounding along beside him.
Whiskey wasn’t going to fix either the pain in his hip or the pain in the region of his chest. But it would help numb it.
By the time he staggered home several hours later, Nina was gone. There wasn’t even as much as an empty shampoo bottle left to show she had ever been there.
Chapter Sixteen
Nina had always thought of Wendy as a friend. Her only friend. But Wendy’s stony silence the entire drive back to Nina’s apartment block starkly reminded her they weren’t friends. Wendy was her employee. An employee who would ditch her date if called upon, but she wouldn’t do it willingly or happily.
“I’m sorry,” she said for the second time.
“Mike only has a week in town before his next deployment.”
“You can take the next week off,” Nina offered.
Wendy shrugged, non-committal.
Only when they were in the secure basement parking beneath Nina’s building did Wendy finally look at her. “What was wrong with this one?” she asked.
Why did she assume Nina was the one to break off the relationship? So it was true, but Wendy didn’t know that. And okay, technically Nina had also called it off with Paul, and the guy she’d dated before that…
“He kept a lot of stuff from me,” she said. Which was also true. Partly. And much easier than admitting the other reason they’d argued.
Wendy shrugged. “And you’ve shared everything about yourself with him?”
More than with any other person. Nina sighed. “Relationships are too complicated.”
“Of course they’re complicated. But my mother often quotes President Roosevelt: ‘Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort’. Yes, there’s always the risk it won’t last or you’ll get hurt, but complicated is still better than never growing attached to anything, never loving anyone. I’d rather have one week with Dr. Mike than nothing at all. Hell, even one night would be nice.”
“I’m sorry,” Nina said it again. Maybe if she said it often enough, Wendy would believe her. She really did feel bad about wrecking her PA’s evening. She couldn’t be completely selfish if she felt bad, could she?
Many celebrities she’d met wouldn’t have given their PA’s time or personal life a second thought. In fact, they would have been offended if their PA even had a personal life.
She opened the car door and moved around to the trunk to fetch her bags.
“I’ll get those,” Wendy said, unclipping her seatbelt.
Nina shook her head. “I’ll manage. You’ve done enough for me tonight. Go back to your dishy doctor. And text me if you decide to take the week off.”
She watched the car headlights disappear up the ramp to the street and the solid gates close behind Wendy before she headed for the elevator, burdened by way more bags than she’d started at Dom’s house with.
Her condo was dark and silent, and smelled musty and unlived in, even though the housekeeper still came in daily. She dropped her bags inside the door and looked around.
The blinds were open, revealing a view of city lights. Nowhere near the view of some Hollywood apartment blocks, and nothing like the view from the Vanity Fair party, but she liked it. Except tonight the twinkling cityscape beyond the windows only made the vast living room feel cold and empty. She shut the blinds and switched on a couple of lights.
It didn’t help.
The apartment was cold and empty. Lifeless.
Though the designer had intended a comfortable, homely look, without a single personal item it just looked like one of those show houses in a magazine spread. Even film sets had more personality.
Nina wandered through to her bedroom, her sanctuary. She’d missed her spacious walk-in closet and the organized shoe racks.
But even the darkened bedroom seemed bare. The only personal item, the only thing that didn’t look as if it belonged in a hotel suite, was the battered copy of the first Revelations book on the nightstand.
The last gift she’d received from her father before he died. The only thing she’d taken with her that dreadful Sunday when her world had blown apart. The only thing she still owned from the days before she’d re-invented herself that hadn’t been thrown in a skip, too water- damaged to be of any use.
She’d had plenty of opportunities since then to amass a new stock of sentimental keepsakes. But she hadn’t held onto anything.
Gifts from fans and crew and fellow cast members had been donated to charity or given to Wendy. Books she’d read and given away. Photographs she’d deleted from her phone without ever backing up.
She hadn’t held on to anything that had any meaning.
Including people.
She sat on the edge of the bed and buried her face in her hands.
She should get out of the designer dress and remove her make-up, but she didn’t have the energy to move. In the ringing silence, the inevitable could no longer be avoided. She had to acknowledge what she had been working very hard not to see.
She had a baby inside her. Right now.
A little life that in eight months’ time she would have to give birth to.
Dom’s baby.
And she had a decision to make.
Stretching out on the bed, she pulled the soft cashmere throw over her and buried her face in the soft-scented pillows. She squeezed her eyes shut, but that didn’t stop them leaking dark smudges onto the pristine, white linen.
Jessie was going to kill her. Five years and an endless number of IVFs later, and Nina got pregnant with just one condom fail.
She could get rid of the baby and take the role of Sonia. But that went against everything she’d been raised to believe. As much as she didn’t want this baby, t
erminating its life before it even began was unthinkable.
She could have the baby and give it to Jessie. She wouldn’t have to re-arrange her life for a baby and she could make her sister’s dream come true.
She stroked her stomach through the layers of crushed tulle. She’d be the glamorous out-of-town aunt, dropping by with gifts once in a blue moon, watching from the sidelines as Dom’s child called someone else mother.
The smudge turned into a salty puddle. She hadn’t expected that thought to hurt so much. But it did, tearing at her insides with sharp claws.
The one piece of Dominic that was hers to keep, the greatest gift she’d ever been given, and she would give it away as she had given away everything else in her life.
But there would still be a cost to pay. She would still have to give up the dream she’d chased for nearly a decade. The only thing that had kept her going through her darkest moments.
When she’d first come to LA as an 18-year-old with stars in her eyes, she’d lived in a crummy studio apartment with creaking pipes and a constant smell of damp. Even waitressing jobs had been hard to get in those days. She’d washed dishes and scrubbed floors to pay for her acting classes. And at night, when she’d had no money to go out and party as normal 18- year-olds were doing, she’d read and re-read the Revelations books. She’d sworn if they ever made the movie, she was going to be in it. Everything she’d done since then had been toward this one goal.
And now that the role was hers, she would have to walk away.
The puddle on the pillow grew as the sobs came. Big gulping sobs she couldn’t stem, and a flood of tears along with them. Sobs that racked her aching body and tears that burned, but neither had anything on the sharp, stabbing pain in her heart.
If she gave up on her dream, what did she have left? No friends, a family more divided than together, and an apartment that was no homelier than a hotel suite. The only thing she had left was the carefully nurtured safety net in her bank account.
Nothing of value.
At last the gulps subsided into uneven hiccups.
There were no tissues within reach and every muscle in her body had gone on strike, so she used the sheets to clean her face. Her housekeeper was not going to be happy tomorrow.
And that was how she fell asleep, with the housekeeper’s face in her thoughts. It was hardly surprising she slept badly and had disturbed dreams, dreams in which her sister chased her with a massive carving knife while an alien monster tried to claw itself out of her stomach. A dream in which Dom did not ride in to her rescue.
She had lost all control of her life. Dane signed the contract before she’d barely even figured out what she was having for breakfast, and Chrissie set a date with the studio publicists to make the big announcement. The producers immediately provided a driver to escort Nina to script meetings and wardrobe fittings, and sword practice with a stunt coordinator who very definitely wasn’t Dom. This stunt coordinator treated her with kid gloves, as if she were a porcelain doll about to break, until she wanted to scream in frustration. Why had they bothered hiring her for the role if they were going to treat her like some pampered princess afraid to break a nail?
But at least this stunt coordinator didn’t make her pulse giddy, as Dom did.
If her daylight hours were too busy to think, her nighttime hours were excruciating. She tossed and turned, unable to sleep, unable to make a decision. Those rare moments she slept, she woke reaching for Dom.
She’d been with him every hour of every day for weeks. She hadn’t realized how much a part of her life he’d become. Without him near, she felt unable to breathe.
There was no Wendy either. She’d taken Nina at her word and put in for a week’s leave. If her Instagram pictures were anything to go by, she and Dr. Mike were having a wonderful time. In her darkest moments, Nina hated her for her happiness.
On Easter Sunday she stayed curled up in bed with a book and tried very hard not to imagine Dom with his nieces and nephews, hunting out chocolate eggs in his parents’ garden. Tried and failed.
She was so deeply lost in her imagination that she jumped when her cell phone rang. She reached for the phone, knocking it to the floor in her haste, and hit the answer button without even checking caller ID.
“You there?” Jess sounded breathless and giggly. Happy. Nina hadn’t heard that sound in her sister’s voice in a very long time.
She hated to bring her sister down, so she injected as much joy into her voice and gave the performance of her life. “Hi Jess.”
“How’s your hottie?”
It had become Jess’s standard opening question, almost a joke between them. Nina swallowed the lump in her throat. She’d avoided her sister for several days. She hadn’t been able to face telling Jess that news. Amongst other things. “We broke up.”
“What?! When did that happen? And why the hell did you dump him? He was perfect for you!”
Nina pinched the bridge of her nose. “We broke up a few days ago. And why do you assume I broke up with him? He’s the one with the reputation for loving-and-leaving.”
“You know, Sugar, you’ve achieved some incredible things and I’m really proud of you, but sometimes I think you’re not very bright.”
“Gee thanks. I love you too, Sis.”
“I mean, everyone knows that when a man with a reputation like his finally falls, he falls hard. Dominic wasn’t planning to let you go anytime soon. So it must have been you who left him. Though why you’d want to leave the best thing that’s ever happened to you, I have no idea!”
“Why do you think he was so good for me?” Apart from the amazing sex, of course. Nina bit her lip to stem a fresh flood of emotion.
“You’ve been playing someone else for so long that whenever I call, I’m not sure who I’m going to get. But when you’re with Dom you’re just yourself.”
Whoever that was. “What makes you think he wasn’t going to leave me?” Nina asked. Her voice sounded thready and she cleared her throat.
“He introduced you to his friends and his family.”
“He does that to everyone. He runs an open house and his friends and family drop in all the time.”
“Sure, but you think most women he’s bedded get taken to the family barbecue?”
His mother had said she was the first woman he’d ever brought home. Something stirred in Nina’s stomach. Too soon to be the baby moving, and the nausea had abated these last few days. It felt just a little like hope.
Stupid, stupid stomach.
“Then why did he lie to me? He has a bad injury and he needs surgery. Hip replacement surgery that he should have had more than a month ago. Wendy researched it for me. If he doesn’t have the surgery he could end up unable to walk, and the longer he delays the worse it will be. It’s pretty much the end of his career. And he didn’t tell me any of this. I had to figure it out for myself.”
She blinked back the perpetual tears. Just thinking about how bleak he must be feeling made her want to weep. But he hadn’t shared any of those emotions with her.
“He’s a guy. They don’t talk about stuff like that.”
“He had plenty of chances to tell me, but he didn’t. He excluded me. You don’t exclude people you love.”
“Oh really? That is definitely a case of pots and kettles.”
Nina pressed her lips together. What did Jess know anyway? She sniffed haughtily. “I don’t know what you mean.”
“You’re so much like Mom. You don’t let anyone close, and you bury your pain and grief in work. I’ll just bet you’ve been keeping yourself really busy and pretending everything’s just great and that you’re happy to be alone again. But you shouldn’t be alone, no one should be. You should be loved.”
“I am loved. Just ask my fans.”
“This isn’t a joke. Don’t you want to be loved for yourself? In those moments when you’re at home and no one else can see?”
Nina reached for a tissue beside the bed. It was the second box
she’d gone through in the last few days. “Of course I want to be loved. But there are no guarantees I won’t be left alone again anyway.”
Jess’s voice was gentle, but it wasn’t her ‘therapist’ voice. “No, there are no guarantees. Love can be rough around the edges, but it’s still absolutely worth it.” She paused a beat. “And not everyone runs away like Mom did.”
Nina hiccupped and fought to get control. “I’m sorry for being such a downer. You sounded so happy when you called.”
“I am.” She could hear the grin back in Jess’s voice. “I have big news. The last IVF took.”
It was a moment before the words had any meaning. Nina gasped. “You’re pregnant?”
“It’s still very early days and we’re not telling anyone, not even Lucas’s family. Not until we’re well into the second trimester and sure the baby’s safe and going to make it.”
“But you’re telling me.”
“Of course I’m telling you. You’re my sister. Who else would I tell?”
A tear splashed down Nina’s cheek. Thank heavens her sister didn’t do Facetime.
Their relationship wasn’t a two-way street. She still wasn’t able to tell Jess her own news. She still wasn’t even sure what she was going to do.
She felt as if she were on a runaway train headed straight for a cliff and she couldn’t get off.
“I’m so happy for you, Jess. Really, really happy.” And she meant it.
When she ended the call, Nina set aside her book and phone and climbed off the bed.
She’d missed having a full-length mirror all the weeks she’d spent at Dom’s. It wasn’t that she was vain and wanted to see her reflection – not with the love/hate relationship she had with her body – but this body was her brand. She couldn’t afford to let herself go.
She faced the mirror. She still wore sleep shorts that revealed her long, tanned legs, more muscled and athletic than they’d ever been before in her life. She lifted her tank top and placed her hands over her toned, smooth belly.