by Renee Porter
“Sure, what’s up?” My mother held a tray of cupcakes in one hand and a small cake sample plate in the other. I looked behind her and saw Beth chowing down on a cupcake of her own.
“Can you help me to the car and drive me to my client’s house?” I nodded as I peeled myself up from the couch and reached out to take a plate from my mom.
“Yummy in my tummy!” I heard Beth sing. I smiled at my mom who shook her head with humor.
“I wish cupcakes could make everyone that happy.”
“Oh, if everyone tried your cupcakes, dear, we would have world peace.” I winced at my Dad’s innuendo as he wiggled his eyebrows at my mother. Walking down the rest of the stairs he held open the door for us.
“Are you coming with?”
Dad nodded, closing the door behind us. Beth skipped to the car and waited for my dad to open the doors. When he did, she flew in like superman and giggled.
“I am in charge of making sure Beth doesn’t eat all the cupcakes.”
“Someone should be in charge to make sure you don’t eat them all!” Beth screamed from the back seat. We all laughed as we settled into the car, Dad in the backseat with Beth holding the cupcakes and Mom in the front with me, holding the small cake sampler.
“Where to?” I asked as I pulled out of the driveway.
“Maddie and B’s. It’s about ten minutes away, in the Knollwood estates.”
“Maddie and B’s?” It was more of a surprise than a question. I turned on the main road as I considered opening the door and ditching the car. It may not hurt that bad if I decelerate to a slow roll.
“Yep. They called mom asking her to cater Taylor’s 18th birthday,” my dad explained from the back. I nodded but couldn’t help but grip the steering wheel with my good hand tighter.
“And now…” my mom looked at me and rolled her eyes with a smile, “your dad says I’m rolling in the dough.” Dad chuckled and Beth laughed along with him, although I don’t think she really understood the joke.
“That’s a good one,” I said trying to sound chipper. “I guess I’ll just wait in the car while you have your taste test then.” Yes, this was a good plan. That way I could be the helpful daughter and still avoid Taylor.
“Oh no, you’re coming in. They invited us for dinner so we are going to be there for a while.” I tried to hide the whining groan but alas, it escaped my throat anyway.
“What if I already had plans though? Shouldn’t you tell me these things before you add me into them?”
I could feel my mother’s gaze on me but I kept my eyes on the road. It didn’t matter though, because I could hear the lecture in her voice. “They were adamant that you came actually. I think they want to thank you for giving Taylor the shot to be in your group.”
I swallowed heavily not knowing if that was the real reason. Taylor seemed to be very close to her parents and there was a good chance she confided in them what happened last Monday. And if that was the case…well I didn’t want to go down that train of thought.
I pulled up at Taylor’s house and let out a heavy breath. It was really now or never, wasn’t it? I helped my mother out of the car as Beth and my Dad went barreling up the steps. I had to smile at my family’s eagerness. It was no hidden truth that my dad was a fan of B’s. He had said he had been a fan boy for B’s Breakaway series and saw all the adapted novel movies that Maddie had acted in. You would think that after four years of having a friendship with the pair would stifle the fan boy in him, but that would be the wrong idea.
“Hey guys, come on in.” I hadn’t even realized that we had made it to the door before we were being ushered in by B. “How is everyone doing?”
My mom and dad gave their pleasantries while Beth gave B a crushing hug. I even think I heard her squeak. Me though? I was doing everything not to look at B while also trying to judge where Taylor was and where the closest exits were.
“Jen? B asked you a question.” My mother looked at me slightly worried. My hands were clammy and my breath was coming in quick spurts. I think I was having a mini panic attack.
“I’m sorry, what?” B smiled at me warmly and my shoulders relaxed a bit.
“I was just asking how school was going.” I was pretty sure that everyone could hear my heart thumping in my chest and could see the fear in my eyes.
“Oh, it’s, uh, good?” Did I just form that in a question? I must have because everyone was looking at me strangely.
“Just good, huh? I would think you’d be happy to be a senior and enjoying the last year of high school.” B held the same smile as before and I realized that she was just being polite. I let out my deep breath and nodded my head.
“It’s been a little stressful, but since soccer is off the table for a while I could focus on other things.” I held up my arm and B nodded.
“That’s right. Taylor told me you broke your wrist. Does it hurt?” We followed B from the foyer to the large, but still modest, living room. I answered her question with a shrug and slightly confused look. Why would Taylor even care enough to tell her parents I broke my wrist?
I didn’t have enough time to ponder that thought, though. As we stepped into the kitchen we were met by Maddie, cooking what smelled to be a heavenly lasagna and Taylor who was effortlessly placing cucumbers in a salad.
“Hi guys!” Maddie turned toward us with a beaming smile as Beth pushed forward and engulfed Maddie with a hug. Taylor turned as well, smiling at the display. When Beth finally released Maddie, she set her eyes on Taylor.
“Oh, Beth, gentle…” I winced as Beth grabbed Taylor hard while picking her up and swinging her around. To my astonishment, Taylor just laughed and when Beth let her go she looked none the less for wear.
“It’s okay, I’m tougher than I look.” The words were directed at me and I swallowed heavily with her daring blue eyes.
“Well, now that we have all the pleasantries out of the way, why don’t we go out to the living room and try some of these delicious cupcakes!” Maddie beamed at B’s suggestion and clapped her hands together.
“I love having a kid.” The grownups laughed as they filtered out of the room with a very excited Beth wanting to help. I waited for Taylor to follow so I could be sure I wouldn’t get a knife in my back but instead she stood there, her arms held in a defensive stance, waiting.
“Um, don’t you want to go and…” I gestured with my hands toward the living room and Taylor sighed. Her previous expression had softened and instead of the frustration I had previously seen, a new, vulnerable look was in its stead.
“Yeah, I guess.” Taylor moved from the kitchen and walked passed me. A waft of something akin to cotton candy hit my nose and for some reason it made me reach out.
“Taylor, wait,” I looked at my hand now holding onto her upper arm. I was almost shocked that I was actually touching the girl. But I had to be, because my fingers felt warmth and smooth skin and my own body felt cold as ice.
She turned to me but wasn’t really looking. I felt her muscle twitch under my palm and I quickly pulled my hand away. “I just wanted to apologize about earlier.” My throat and mouth had gone dry and again Taylor sighed.
“It’s fine, Jen.” Her acceptance of my apology wasn’t sincere. I knew that. And so much of me wanted to nod and just move passed the awkwardness but something inside of me needed her to know.
“No it’s not. I don’t…” I tried to find the words to make her understand. “I don’t talk about people like that usually. And I was really just joking...” I trailed off not really understanding the need for Taylor to truly accept my apology.
“I get it, okay?” Taylor turned toward me and lowered her voice. She was close and her hushed words made my body chill even more. “You didn’t mean for me to hear it. I get it. I just thought…” Taylor shook her head and chuckled sarcastically. “Never mind. What’s done is done.” She turned to walk out of the kitchen but again I grabbed her arm.
“Wait. You thought what?” I was looking at her,
trying to piece together her sentence in my head but failing miserably.
“I just thought you were…different.” And then Taylor walked out of the kitchen to join both of our families. And me? Well I stayed. Just for a minute. Because even though I didn’t really know what Taylor meant by her words, I knew that she was saddened by what she realized. And for the life of me, I didn’t want to be different to Taylor. I didn’t want to be different to her at all.
Chapter 9
“Different. Different? What do you think she meant by that? She didn’t like me from the start as it is.” I huffed as I sat down next to Dana. I had been thinking about Taylor’s explanation for the rest of the weekend and I was no closer to understanding what she meant. And now, here I was in first period, Dana glaring at me as if I had just told her I killed her puppy.
“You just don’t know when to stop, huh?”
I threw up my hands in mock surrender. “Who ate your Wheaties this morning?” Dana shook her head at me, obviously annoyed with my pandering.
“You’re still talking about her behind your back. Isn’t this what you were apologizing to her for?” Dana raised an eyebrow at me, waiting for an answer.
“Well, I’m sorry if I can’t even ask my best friend what someone else thinks about me.” Dana wasn’t the only one who was annoyed. She was the only one that knew the situation. Didn’t best friends want to try and help to figure your stuff out?
“Jen, of course you can talk to me, but you shouldn’t be upset with Taylor. She has a right to not accept your apology.”
I gritted my teeth as the words kept spinning in my head. I took a deep breath and turned to Dana, my frustration leaving my body and a cool, calm, collected Jen in its place.
“Please, help me understand what she meant.” I stuck out my bottom lip in hopes it would get Dana to smile. It worked. Well not a full on smile, but at least a smirk.
“I thought it didn’t matter to you.” She shrugged as she turned away from me but I stuck out my lip more, like a petulant child, and I could tell Dana’s peripheral vision was working perfectly.
“Fine, you want to know what it means?” I nodded and Dana sighed.
“It probably means that she liked you, Jen.” I rolled my eyes and Dana continued. “I mean, maybe not like that, but as a person. And you ruined your own image for her.”
I scoffed but Dana looked at me and then turned. I knew she was telling me to really think about what she said. So I did. I thought long and hard. And when the bell rang, Dana stood up and I started on her.
“You know what’s wrong with your theory?” I asked as I followed her out. My whispers were nothing more than loud breaths. “There isn’t a way that Taylor even liked me as a person because she never spoke to me.” Ah, I got her. I got her good.
“What happened when Taylor auditioned for the ConnChord’s?” I furrowed my brows not quite following her line of thought. But I took the bait anyway.
“She did a phenomenal job?”
Dana shook her head. “No, what happened before she auditioned?” Dana stopped and turned suddenly, holding out her arms to stop my shoulders from barreling into her.
“I don’t understand what you’re getting at.” Dana sighed frustratingly and poked my forehead with her finger.
“She choked.”
My eyes widened with realization.
“She choked.” Dana nodded at my mimic and started to walk again, this time a little slower so I could keep up.
“If you’ve ever paid attention to Taylor, you’d notice that she clams up when she is nervous. And let’s face it, Jen. You’re sort of really popular at this school.” I opened my mouth to defend that statement but Dana continued. “And not the whole, stereotypical, mean girl popular. Although, in Taylor’s eyes that description may not be that far off.” I was pretty sure I grumbled at that statement. “But the type of popularity where everyone knows you and wants to be your friend but they are just out of reach to do so.”
“You’re being ridiculous. We hang out with the same people. And people don’t think that. Do they?”
Dana nodded her head. “You’re captain of the soccer team, you care about school, you have an amazing voice and let’s face it, Jen, you’re kind of beautiful too.” Dana pushed my shoulder to ease the seriousness of the conversation. “You’ve got the whole package and people flock to that. But you don’t let people in easily.”
“Ouch.” I was honestly a little wounded. When had all of this happened? Wasn’t I always nice and friendly to everyone I met?
“I’m not saying this to be mean.” Dana responded. We stopped walking as we waited outside our next class. “I’m just trying to tell you that you don’t trust easily and that’s why you’re the way you are. And also to come to a conclusion.”
“A conclusion for what?” I also wanted to ask what she meant that I didn’t trust easily, because I didn’t think that was me at all.
“Why you can count your number of good friends on one hand.” Dana turned to walk in the class but stopped, “actually, make that only one finger.” She gave me a knowing smile and left me to ponder that statement alone.
+++
To say that I wasn’t upset the rest of the day would have been a lie. Dana had struck a nerve within me and I couldn’t decide if I was more annoyed with her or with myself. On one hand, Dana had blindsided me when all I wanted and needed was her advice. On the other hand, I couldn’t say that she didn’t give me advice. Maybe it wasn’t the one I wanted, but maybe it was the one I needed.
So that night I sat down and wrote a list. That’s right, I wrote a list of all of my good friends and it totaled way more than one finger. Hell, I had to use two pages just to scribble every name I could think of down. And as I sat there, smiling at my creation, and proving Dana wrong I stared at one name. Josh McGowen. I furrowed my brows and bit my lip. What did I know about Josh that really made him a good friend? We had similar likes, that was for sure. I knew that he loved soccer as much as me. But I didn’t know what type of music he listened to. Was it country? Rap? Radio Disney? I decided that maybe Josh wasn’t the best name on the list, especially since I hadn’t even really known his name since this year. So one name crossed off out of dozens more wasn’t really putting me in a predicament.
What was putting me in a predicament was the amount of names I was crossing off after Josh’s. I didn’t really know Emily. Sure she had been in my classes all four years, and we’ve been lab partners on and off throughout high school, but I didn’t know if she even really liked science. In fact, didn’t she make me do all the work? And then there was Harry. He was sweet and kind and I was also pretty sure that Harry wasn’t even his real name. Didn’t people call him James at times?
By the end of the night I was left with four names on the list. My dad, my mom, Elizabeth and Dana. They were the only four people I could trust with my life. Trust with even my deepest, darkest, secrets. And even with that knowledge, I tore off the sheet of paper from the pad and crumpled it in a ball. Because in honest, there was only one person that I have really ever told my secrets to. I sat there staring at a new, crisp, white paper and scribbled a name down. I had to fight the tears away as I realized that Dana had been right. Because I could only count the number of good friends I had on one finger. Because the only name I could write down was my own.
Chapter 10
I never really thought about my sexuality.
In my immediate present, there was only one thing that I honestly ever had running through my mind; the stars. I started watching documentaries on the universe when I was seven. I was fascinated by the ideas that were being taught and I was pulled into a black hole which would shape my mind to loving science and mathematics.
From a young age, I knew what I wanted for my future. I wanted to study the stars and build instruments that would help us better understand the fabric of the universe. It was my biggest goal and although I knew that eventually I would find someone who I would fall in love
with and share my dreams, my thoughts never landed on a specific person, or gender.
I never even believed that this was a strange thing. As we grew older, Dana would constantly talk about the boys she was crushing on and I would constantly tell her about a new book my father had bought me or a new technology that was being built by the leading space agencies. Dana would tell me that she thought I was weird for not following along the natural ‘girl’ path, and would tell her boys are gross and asked if we could talk about other things.
I hadn’t thought it was strange because I didn’t care. I had believed that I would eventually catch up when I felt the time was right. But I never thought that when the time would come it would feel like this.
“Which one is the oldies station?” Dana turned the radio knob on my car, pausing every so often between the static.
“Oldies? Put it on 104.3. The new Bruce Wellington song has been playing nonstop.
“I love Bruce Wellington.”
I looked in the rearview mirror at Taylor. Her eyes were glued to the window, tracing the droplets of water as they sped through each other in an effortless race.
These last few weeks had changed so much with me and Taylor. It had taken some time, but Taylor’s reverence toward me started to wane after a few of our practices together. We actually had a lot in common and we were starting to get along. She was fun to hang out with and talk to, a fact that Dana loved since she had told me she was right about Taylor all along. And the best of it was that she would actually speak to me. She no longer would give me blank stares or ignore me at lunch. In fact, the first time she smiled at me while passing each other through the hallway at school, I thought I would faint. It almost felt like a dream.
I know that I didn’t yet deserve her full acceptance of my apology but I wouldn’t reject it either. Taylor and I were getting along, and I was beginning to understand why she had such a flawless reputation.