"Oh dear Lord you didn't."
Alice nodded. "I did. I wasn't trying to be smart with him. I just didn't know what else to do. I'd asked some of the kids around here if they wanted to earn a few dollars and cut it for me, and they said no they didn't do lawns. They said they play boxes—or whatever they are. And, I can't afford those lawn services."
Bea dropped her gaze to the table. She looked like she wanted to say something but stopped herself.
"The sound kind of scared me at first. I didn't know what was going on when I first heard the mower. I looked out front and saw him—Jason, in his uniform pants, work boots, and a tank top, push mowing my lawn."
"Yeah and that grass about killed my mower the first time. Not only did I sweat my balls off, but I also had to stop every two feet to not stall it out because the grass was so damn tall."
"Oh cry me a fucking river," Luke deadpanned.
"Hey, I did a good thing helping her out," I said in defense. Heat warmed my cheeks, my face burning red as my jaw clenched.
"What do you want, a medal? Now she's right back where she started, except now she has the pain of what you did to carry with her too."
The tic in his jaw was pronounced by the sharp angles of his chin. I'm pretty sure he wanted to punch me in the face.
"I did more than her neighbor there, who's probably feeling guilty right now."
"You might want to get off of that high horse of yours." Luke's judgment rubbed me the wrong way.
I stabbed myself in the chest. "I was good to her. I did nice things for her!"
"For self-serving reasons."
My arm shot out toward Alice. "She didn't know that!" The words fell out of my mouth before I could grab them back.
"So he just came over when he got off work to mow your lawn?" Bea asked.
Alice cried out again, new tears streaking her face. "Yes. He said no one else would do it, so he might as well. He tried so hard to act like he didn't care and there wasn't good in him, but I saw right through his tough-guy act. It was so hot out, so I brought him a sweet tea and watched him work. When I offered him what little money I did have, he told me not to insult him."
Bea barked out a laugh.
"I don't know what she did to that sweet tea, but it was better than crack."
"Did you ever try crack? Do I need to add that to your list of misdeeds?"
I couldn't tell if Luke was making a joke or if he was serious. He didn't laugh. He didn't smile. He just looked through me with his dead, evil-like glare. I shuddered. That look made my skin crawl. I still wasn't sure where he was from. heaven or hell. My money was on the latter. "No, I never tried crack…asshole."
That, made his mouth twitch into an almost smirk. Almost.
"Maybe that's why I thought he was your son. You always told me stories about him and seemed so proud of everything he did."
"I was. He came back every Tuesday like clockwork after he got off his shift. We'd sit and talk for a while afterward about life and death and the in-between. I…I never thought he'd…" Alice's chin trembled, and her shoulders quaked as silent tears poured down her face.
"Never thought he'd what?"
Alice's frail shoulders lifted and slumped in defeat. "He gave up. The paper says it was suicide, but he gave up. He never told me goodbye. He took my chance away for closure. I have outlived every person in my life. My daughter, my parents, my husband. All of my friends. I didn't have anyone left until Jason came along, and I stupidly thought maybe I wouldn't have to die alone. But I will. I will go out of this world the way I came into it. Alone."
I took a pained breath and closed my eyes, guilt ripping and gnawing at my gut. It was my fault Alice was alone. I'd never stopped to think about how it would affect her, because I honestly didn't think it would. I didn't think my death would matter. That I mattered. To her or anyone else.
Luke's penetrating glare heated my core. I felt like I was melting from the inside out.
"What?" I snapped.
"How do you feel about your choices now?"
I watched the awkward exchange between Bea and Alice. "Like an asshole, okay? I should have told her I was moving. Or leaving. I shouldn't have just left without a word. She deserved better than that…better than me."
"When are you going to get over yourself?" The look he gave me could have rivaled Medusa's.
I threw my arms up and then let them fall to my sides with a huff. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"When you figure it out let me know," he deadpanned.
No point in trying to get anything else out of him. He went back into St. Luke mode. Standing there like the asshole angel statue he was with the all-knowing glare. From our other encounters, I knew our time with Alice was almost up.
"No, you have to give me more than that this time. No more of this cryptic bullshit."
His face distorted into a menacing smile. "Isn't prospective kind of funny in a way? To you, she meant nothing. It was a means to an end to get her to stop calling. You didn't give a second thought to what your choices would do to her. The chores and tasks you did were merely to shut her up and quiet the noise you perceived her to be. And yet, to her you were everything. She mourns you."
It was the most he'd ever said to me. And I wish he never had. I would have gladly taken a punch to the face instead.
Things between Bea and Alice were still awkward as they'd been neighbors for a few years but were never close. I never knew why Bea hadn't offered to help when she was so close or what her situation was, but it had always bothered me. Even though I might not have a right to feel that way now, as Luke so kindly pointed out.
"I don't know how you would feel about this, but my church has a small group. They come over once a week, and we have supper. Would you like to join us on those nights?" Bea's smile was hopeful.
Alice shook her head. "I don't want to be a bother."
"Oh, come on, ya stubborn old bird. She's giving you a lifeline here! Take it," I shouted at her.
"It's not a bother. We would enjoy your company. And I'm sure I can get Andrew, my grandson, to cut your grass. All I'd have to do is make him some extra banana pudding or buy him a gift card for his iTunes games."
"Well, I can whip that up or give you money for that stuff, if that's all it costs to buy him off."
Both women looked at each other and laughed. I could see some of the tension and weight release from Alice's shoulders, but not all of it. She reached out, her fingers caressing the image of my face across the pages of the newspaper. I'd still cost her something. Something she wouldn't get back.
11
I had no idea where we were or who the hell these people were. All I knew was we were in some random kitchen, and we were invading the hell out of their privacy.
"Luke, isn't this wrong on a million levels?"
"No. You reap what you sow."
"What!"
His one hand hooked my chin as the vicelike grip of his other forced my head back toward the couple in front of us.
"How are you doing this morning?" A woman leaned over a man's shoulder and dropped a kiss on his scruff-covered cheek. He was seated at a round, whitewashed barn wood table that was as cookie cutter as you could get. It was like it came straight off of one of those home renovation shows with that same shiplap style. All of the decor was black, white, and gray. White and gray striped curtains tied back over every window. Stark white walls with molding. Black picture frames with the Eat, Pray, Love printed in them on the walls. It looked like Target threw up all over the place.
The man lifted both of his shoulders and let them fall. His back was turned to me. "It's just ironic, I guess."
"Yeah, I guess you never know someone's inner struggles, do you?" She took a sip from her coffee cup that read Struggle like a Muggle and slid into the chair across from the man, facing me.
"I mean, I'm here because of him. He's the reason I'm alive. And then he goes and does the very thing he talked me out of doing. The hypoc
risy of it all is baffling."
That got my attention. I listened more attentively to the sound of his voice. His tone to see if it rang any bells. Working as a SWAT negotiator for years, I had a lot of calls. It was hard to remember every single one.
The woman took a long sip, her large doelike, hazel eyes swept over the man's face slowly before she replied, "And do you regret him talking you out of it?"
His head whipped up from the table to her. "No. Not for a second." He shook his head back and forth, almost to himself.
I couldn't place him. I tried to walk around the table to better see his face but seemed to hit an invisible barrier and stumbled backward. It was as if I was being held in place, to listen to what he was saying instead of seeing him.
The woman was quiet. She waited for the man to fill the silence. In my experience, most people were incapable of this. This kind of silence made them uncomfortable when the tension was palpable. Yet, she seemed to know it was what he needed.
"Did I ever tell you I followed him once?"
She choked on her coffee. It sputtered down her chin as she swallowed hard and wiped at her face with the back of her hand. Then she wiped the table with the napkin beneath her cup. "I'm sorry, you what? When was this?"
"Years after the incident. After you were pregnant." Again, his shoulders lifted and dropped like this wasn't a big deal.
Her eyes narrowed in suspicion. "Why didn't you ever tell me?"
Once again, he shrugged. "I'm telling you now."
"So tell me." She prompted with a wave of her hand.
"Remember that Blockbuster we always used to go to?"
She dipped her head in a nod. The auburn bun on her head bounced.
"Well, I walked in to get us a movie for our Saturday night movie and he was there. Even though he was in street clothes, I recognized him right away. I know for them, we are only one of a million calls, but for me, he was one that made a difference. And one I would never forget."
I knew right then exactly who he was. The hair on the back of my neck stood on end, just like it did when I felt someone following me around the store that day. I knew someone was behind me, and I was preparing to turn around for a fight. Typically, if someone was following me around when I was in plain clothes, and they’d recognized me, nine times out of ten, it was someone I’d arrested…and it wasn’t going to end well.
"So what did you do?" she prompted once again.
The guy snorted. "Well, as I approached him, he whipped around ready to kick the shit out of me for creeping up on him."
"That's not professional!"
He held up his hands in defense. "I shouldn't have crept up behind him. But I was trying to work up the nerve to talk to him."
The woman huffed. "So did you talk to him?"
"Yeah. I apologized for creeping up on him. I told him who I was and that he may not remember me, but he'd worked on my case years ago as the negotiator and had talked me out of suicide. He said he remembered and asked how I was doing. He seemed genuinely interested, so I told him I was doing really well. That I was married now and we had a baby on the way. I got to tell him thank you for what he'd done for me that night and how my life wouldn't be possible if he hadn't shown up." The man wiped his face with the back of his hands.
The woman sniffed and wiped at her face with her sleeve. "I'm thankful for him every day, and I'm thankful for the decision you made to stay with us. I know it's still not easy for you some days, but I'm proud of you for sticking it out."
"Thanks, babe. It's not. That's one thing I wish my dad understood. That just because I see a therapist and I'm on medication, the thoughts and the feelings don't just go away. I have to work at it. It's a daily struggle, but I choose to be here. I want to be here. Depression is a real issue, but I'm not going to succumb to it. I know there's no easy fix, and I know there's no magical cure. But I can find a way to be happy. I am happy in my own way. It may never be what some people consider happiness to be, but it works for us. It just hurts me in a way I can't describe that Officer King would choose that path, after being able to talk me out of it. I wish I could have returned the favor to him."
He wished he could have returned the favor to me. That punched me in the gut and took all of the breath right out of my lungs. I had to glance over to Luke to make sure he hadn't actually done it. Here was this kid who'd chosen the hard path. The path he knew wouldn't be easy to walk. To stay here and face his depression head-on because of things I'd said to him over a decade ago, and he wished he could have repaid the favor knowing how hard it was every day, instead of me checking out.
Luke didn't give me a chance to absorb it all before he whisked me away.
12
Giselle Ortiz was one of the last people I ever expected to see on this journey. It wasn't that our paths hadn't crossed in an important way. Or that I didn't know how much our work together impacted lives. I knew. This was so far removed from anyone I ever expected to see, though. I had to remind myself to swallow.
Luke stepped beside me. "This is how far the ripples go. Further than you could have ever imagined."
His words bounced around my mind until a young woman with a dark cascade of curls atop her head entered the room. Another face I was taken aback to see. Her eyes were covered by oversize glasses, and her shape had filled out after years of malnourishment, but I knew who she was.
The sleeve of her bright-blue sweater was wrapped around an arm full of file folders as she slipped behind one of two desks in the room.
"Nina. Are you all right?" Giselle asked, her tone calm and soothing.
Nina blew out a long sigh and laid her head back. Her large brown eyes closed. "No. I don't know how I feel. In shock, really. Did you see everything they're saying about him?"
Him. Did they mean me? Is that why I was here?
Giselle herself heaved a heavy sigh. "I've seen the news story, and I've turned it off. I tossed the newspaper, and I honestly don't care what the media has to report. You and I know the kind of man Jason was."
Nina lifted her head and gazed at Giselle. "Doesn't it bother you? The stuff they're saying. The speculations. The reasons he did it? Don't you wonder why?"
"The media and everyone who thinks it's their place to have an opinion will speculate. It's cruel to his family and to his memory. No one is ever going to fully understand why, and there is no point in trying to figure it out. That's the trickiest part about suicide. Everyone wants to know the why, and that is always the one question that remains unanswered."
"So it doesn't bother you, then?" Nina crossed her arms over her chest.
Giselle pulled her chin back as if she'd been slapped. "Don't make assumptions about how I feel. I'm devastated he's gone, Nina. I wish there could have been a way to keep him from making that horrible choice. I wish he could have understood just how important he was to everyone he encountered. But sometimes no matter what you do, it is not enough and that is not our burden to carry."
Nina propped her chin on the desk, her eyes glazed over with tears. "I'll never forget what he did for me. When I dialed nine-one-one that night, I had to hang up three times. I prayed someone would come. And he did. He told me he had no idea what it was like to be in my shoes or what my life experiences were like. He said he wasn't judging me for being where I was or if I chose to stay, but he knew no woman deserved that kind of life. Which was huge, ya know? Because most people don't have a clue how hard it is to get out. I had two small kids to think about. I had no money. No family and nowhere to go. The last thing I wanted was another person judging me for my decisions. But this time was different. Andres had gone too far. I knew in my soul it was only going to get worse, and next time he would kill me. And if I wasn't there, who would protect my kids?"
Giselle nodded slowly. "I knew when Jason called me that night, something bad had happened. I could hear it in his voice. I came to you as soon as I could."
"Once they got me on the gurney. I hadn't told anyone until that point wh
at had happened before he'd started beating me. The reason that had set him off…"
I'd never forget the look of utter terror on her face when the two male medics arrived on the scene. I had a stirring low in my gut it wouldn't go well, but I let her lead. It wasn't until they had her sit on the gurney, and they attempted to fasten the buckles across her waist, that she pulled her knees to her chest, taking the sheet with her as a barrier between them. She flinched as her face contorted in pain and I knew. I knew what that bastard had done to her.
"Jason waved the one medic over, and I heard him say, 'I'm almost positive she's also been sexually assaulted tonight. She may not react very well to being trapped in the back with two men. You may need to leave the door open while you do your assessment.' Officer King stopped at the foot of the gurney and squatted beside it. I liked that he was smaller than me. Liked the shift in power. Andres always made himself bigger. Stronger. More powerful than I was. Officer King shifted it back to me with that simple gesture whether he knew it or not."
I knew.
"What did Jason say?" Giselle asked. Nina's eyes glazed over for a moment, like she was lost in thought before they snapped back to our friend. The glazed look gone and clarity in its place.
"He asked if there was anything else we needed to know about what happened. If Andres had hurt me anywhere else that wasn't currently visible. I couldn't even get the words out, Giselle. I couldn't say yes. I just lost it and sobbed, then nodded my broken face that throbbed so bad. It felt like my whole head was going to explode from the pressure alone, but I didn't have to explain anything."
"So did you feel comfortable being around that many men right after being assaulted? I don't know if I would have after something like that. I'm sorry that's probably not helpful at all."
The Suicide King Page 5