"How wasn't it? You got what you wanted! You showed me how my actions affected everyone. Even people I never thought it would touch! I regret that. Am I not allowed to regret that? Why can't I get a second chance?"
Luke snapped his fingers, and we were standing at the top of a desolate hill. The wind was whipping at our clothes. My face stung from the chill.
Before us a single grave.
Mine.
It read Jason A. King
November 8, 1975–February 18, 2018
"So many people fight to make the lines between dates as long as possible. So many lines. Some are long. Some are short. The story is always the same in one retrospect; they want life to last as long as possible. Young or old. Freak accidents or horrible recoveries that go south. Sometimes the lines are short, and those left behind never get answers for why. But you, Jason, you decided to cut yours short."
"What line? What are you talking about?" I turned in a circle looking for a line but saw nothing near us.
Luke pointed to the dates on my headstone. "The line. See the line between your birth and death dates? It's your lifeline. That line represents who you were, and who you helped while you were alive. It would have kept growing, yet you cut it short. It shows who you loved and who you allowed to love you."
I threw my arms in the air and let them drop. It was my signature move when I was completely exasperated. "Then I did enough! You showed me all the people I helped! Let me go back! Why can't I go back?"
With a flash, we were back in the mist. Surrounded by the vast emptiness we had been in moments before my grave.
"Because life doesn't work that way. We only get one. You don't get to throw a plate on the floor, smash it into a million pieces, say sorry to the plate, and expect it to be whole again. Even if you glued it back together it wouldn't be the same plate it was before. It would forever be fundamentally changed. You fundamentally changed every one of those people. This isn't Back to the Future. There is no Marty McFly. There is no time machine."
I snorted bitterly. "But there is a fucking purgatory."
Luke closed the foot separating us with only a step, gripped the front of my wrinkled shirt, and lifted me off my feet. His cold, creepy eyes an inch from mine and more uncomfortable to look at than ever. "Listen here, asshole. You're damn right there's a purgatory. And it's exactly where you belong. This isn't a game. I showed you exactly what you needed to see and that's it."
He dropped me to the floor and gave me a slight shove, which sent me stumbling backward.
I smacked myself in the chest. "So what the hell was the point, then? If you showed me what I did to everyone? To get me to understand some divine reasoning just to torture me about it? Even if it changes nothing?"
Shaking his dark head, Luke closed his creepy, almost translucent, eyes and ran his large palms down his face. For the first time, I noticed he looked tired. Did immortals get tired? Maybe dealing with me got him to this point?
"This was never about you, Jason. This was about what you did. The act. This is about the fact that every single human is struggling and has their shit. Some worse than others but all are working through and dealing with the human condition. Some people are just having bad days, bad weeks, some bad months, some bad years, and some are dealt a bad hand from the day they're born until the day they die, but they can pull themselves out of it one way or another. Others, it's not so simple."
His icy glare narrowed, and I shrank back, remembering some of the tirade I'd spouted when we first met.
"If you don't think I know some of you can't just wake up one day and decide to be happy and that anxiety and depressive disorder creates debilitating issues, or that trying to explain mental illness to people who don't have it is exhausting, you weren't paying attention. I'm fully aware battling chronic health issues or terminal health problems are not something that can be fixed. That's why they're chronic. That's why they're terminal. If you don't see this. If you don't realize any of this, then you've missed the whole point. I've watched and helped people who've felt like they were drowning and failing and couldn't put one foot in front of the other. I've been around for thousands of years, and I've seen it all. Not everyone turns to suicide, but the rates are climbing. And not every suicide can be stopped, even if you see all the signs and try to do everything right. But sometimes they can. Sometimes it only takes someone to see the ripple effect."
I shoved him back a step, receiving a murderous glare in return. Could an angel kill me if I was already dead? "So why do you hate me so much, then? Why are you so angry if you claim to understand? Are you judging me?"
"It's my job to pass judgment. I'm not your guardian angel. I'm the angel of death. It is my job to decide who stays and who goes and where. I was tasked with taking you through your ripples and showing you, no matter how brutally, where and how you affected all these people. I only showed you a handful when I could have showed you so many more. You were given free will. You were given choices and you chose wrong. My judgment is you stay. This is where you'll stay." Luke turned on his shiny black heel and strolled away, his hands shoved in his pockets like he didn't have a care in the world. Like we hadn't just stopped in the middle of the most important conversation in my life. My afterlife?
"That's it? You're not going to explain anything else? Seriously? Luke. Luke!"
He didn't glance over his shoulder. He didn't turn around. The farther he walked, the smaller he got until he eventually disappeared.
My knee-jerk reaction was to be angry, but his words fell over me like a veil. He was right. I'd done this. I'd had free will and for all intents and purposes, I'd spit in its face—if free will had a face. Maggie and Grace had faces…beautiful faces I'd never get to see again. My gut churned at the thought. What he'd given me was a not only a curse by forcing me to face the realities of my actions, but it was also a blessing. It gave me a chance to see them again. Glimpses I wouldn't have had otherwise. New memories of people I wouldn't, and hadn't, given a second thought to before I pulled the trigger.
My mind continued to whirl thoughts and emotions, guilt and shame of all that had transpired until it all began to fade into what I'd always wanted.
Quiet.
Stillness.
Nothing.
Which was what I now realized I never wanted at all.
Afterword
Dear Reader,
Thank you for taking a chance on this book. My objective was not to paint a pretty picture in redemption, but a fictional look at the realities for a lot of families. No one gets to go back. There are no do-overs in the crazy thing called life after a suicide. There are a lucky few who make attempts and live. I hope this story will cause an open conversation about mental health and suicide. We may never know all of the reasons why someone chooses to commit suicide. That's usually the biggest unanswered question. We can speculate it could be a lot of smaller things that build up over time until they feel they have no other choice. But the only person who truly knows is them. I hope this story can change the mind of someone contemplating the decision and seek help in any form. Talk to someone.
I am no expert on this subject, and I don't claim to be. All I know is this book means a lot to me for many reasons and it needed to be written. When I told a handful of people about my idea, they told me it had to happen. Suicide has touched my life in so many ways I would need more than my hands alone to count them. For some it's a taboo subject that shouldn't be broached, while others like myself feel it needs to be talked about more. I feel things deeply, and when things like this happen…they hit me down to my core. This book was my call to action. To try to change even one person's mind. This book was my battle cry for anyone out there struggling. I don't think the ripple effects are ever really thought about. When you're in the middle of your shit, the darkest of your days…you're not worried about how your actions are going to affect those around you. Because you don't think anyone is going to notice or care. But they will and they do. This book is fictio
n, but it is based in truth. Our lives touch people in ways we don't realize. Offhanded comments or nice gestures we say and do may not be much to us, but it may be everything to someone else. Your life matters. Don't take it lightly. If you or someone you know is struggling or contemplating suicide, please reach out for help. There is always a hand reaching out to help you.
XO - Vanessa Marie
*SUICIDE PREVENTION LIFELINE – 1-800-273-8255
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
*If you are deaf or hard of hearing, click on the link below. There are options available.
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/help-yourself/for-deaf-hard-of-hearing/
Video Relay Service – Dial 800-273-8255
TTY – Dial 800-799-4889
Voice/Caption Phone – Dial 800-273-8255
Or simply click the link and chat with someone to help.
*Nacional de Prevención del Suicidio – 1-888-628-9454
*You can reach the Crisis Text Line 24/7 by texting "START" to 741-741.
*The TREVOR Project – 1-866-488-7386
https://www.thetrevorproject.org/get-help-now/
(The Leading National Nonprofit Seeking to Prevent LGBTQ Youth Suicide.)
*SOCIETY for the PREVENTION of TEEN SUICIDE – 1-800-273-8255
https://www.sptsusa.org/
*VETERAN CRISIS LINE Call 1-800-273-8255 and Press 1
Text 838255 or chat online
(Serves all veterans, all service members, National Guard, Reserve, and their family and friends.)
https://www.veteranscrisisline.net
If you haven't found what you are looking for here, follow this link and there are many more resources to hopefully get you the help you need.
https://afsp.org/find-support/resources/
Acknowledgments
When I first came up with this idea, I told the one person I knew would understand it better than anyone else. Michele Stratton. You were my biggest cheerleader from the get-go. That was almost two years ago, and you told me to never give up on this story. Thank you, my dear friend! I don't know if I would have had the guts to put it on paper if you hadn't told me it had to be written.
Jenni and Josie. I'm pretty sure it goes without saying, you two are my rocks. WTB is my foundation and you two have propped me up time and time again over the years. I never would have made it without your love and support. I love you guys so, so much.
Jen Osborn. This is a topic we discussed at length for some time, and you shared a very powerful story with me. I will always feel honored you trusted me enough to share. I'll never forget your emotions or what you conveyed to me during each of those conversations. You were also one of the driving forces from the early conception of this story. I love you, chick!
Trenda. My heart and soul. Oh boy. I don't even know where to begin. I told you what I wanted to do and where I was… You said, "Let's do this." We discussed how important this topic was to both of us and how important it was to get it right. I could not have done this without you. I knew you could push me to do more and you did. You always do. Every time I get stuck in the whirlpool in my head, you throw me the raft and say, "Climb in whenever you're ready." You are the best at what you do. Not only as a professional, but as a friend. I love you dearly and am grateful to have you in my life. Every author you work with is lucky to have your gifts. You are a bright star shining in this world. And we are all better for it.
Jillian Jacobs. You are a true literary hero! I needed someone to rip this manuscript into a billion pieces and you did just that. THANK YOU! You have honed your writing skills from the day I met you, and I watched you whip my work into shape and was in awe of your talent. I still have a lot to learn and am thankful to be surrounded by such incredible people and authors like you.
Lia. Thank you for making my words shine. This would not have worked without you. You are a lifesaver.
Laura. Wow. Let me just say it was an honor. I am so thankful Donya sent me your way. It was an absolute pleasure working with you. You went above and beyond to help keep my voice and find all those pesky errors. I can’t wait to work together again.
Kyle and Jen. Jen, thanks for letting me borrow your hubby from time to time for a good source of info and using your names! Thank you for allowing me to come to you to make sure I got all my facts straight. I wanted to do everyone justice to a subject we all feel strongly about! You guys are always so encouraging! Love you both!
Jennifer. Part of this is for you. My plea was for you in your darkest of days. The kids would have never been the same without you. Our lives would have never been the same without you. You may never read this, but it doesn't change anything. The world is a better place with you in it.
Kelly. This is also for you. We don't know each other, but in the past five years, I felt like I knew and understood you better than friends who'd known each other for years ever could. Something about Maggie's character spoke to me. She was misunderstood and faulted by many for things she had no control over. You've been on my mind, and I wanted something that stood up for the people left to pick up the pieces in the wake of the aftermath.
Mike. I never knew you, but I knew of you. Your story inspired my story. Parts of my life intertwined with yours in ways you'll never know. They mimicked yours in ways no one would ever predict or even believe, and I prayed and worried every day they wouldn't have the same ending. I hoped they didn't. I do hope you found peace because I know a lot of people down here cared a lot about you.
To my family. I love you all more than you'll ever know. Mom and Dad, you guys have always supported me no matter what I told you I wanted to do in life. Thank you! Monkeys, I could never imagine life without any of you. ANY OF YOU. (You know who I'm looking at.) B, you're my ride or die. We've been through it all and yet we're here. I refuse to give up on you just like you refuse to give up on me. We're in this thing. I love you.
To my small group. You ladies are a gift. The strength you have given me I can't even begin to explain. I was stuck in my writing process when I met you, and you inspired me to finish this book. The words poured out of me after the first time we met. Thank you for believing in me.
Thank you to all of my beta and sensitivity readers who took the time to read and give me feedback. Thank you for believing in this story. I'm sure there are a ton of people I have forgotten to thank; know you're in my heart and I love you. To all of the bloggers who took a chance on a book that was not their usual kind of story. Thank you. To all of the readers, thank you.
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