by Leanne Davis
“I know. I can help with that. The Dayshia part, I mean,” Devon interrupts. “I know nothing about kids, but I can learn.”
“We can both learn together.”
I stare at my brother. He is a gift from the heavens. One I don’t deserve. One I didn’t earn. I close my eyes and stare at my own face, finally not reflecting hatred back at me. I ask honestly, “Why? Why would you do that for me?”
“Because I love you. I want to rebuild our relationship. Us. Everything.”
It spears me in the heart. God, I’m such a fuck. First, I get Ireena when I should have never… and now… I did it with Kaeja? I don’t understand how or when I became like this. Why is my judgment so skewed? Is inappropriate or awkward sex the only kind that attracts me? “What I did…”
“Yeah, it’s pretty much been a roadblock for me. But things have changed. I want to prove that I can change too.”
I study my brother. He and I never spoke of it before. The poison that ruined us… me. We never tried to put it into words. He never got to vent. Quietly, I inform him, “I fell in love with her. I didn’t mean to. I didn’t intend for any of it to occur. It was a drunken hookup, but I have to admit I had passionate feelings for her. They nearly cut me in half. I know what we did was wrong. I know it. I just…” I shake my head and shut my eyes, loathing myself. “I’m so exhausted. You’ll never know how sorry I am for what I did to you. I am eternally ashamed for marrying Ireena and conceiving Dayshia… yet I wanted both of them. And then…” Finally, after all these years and everything that went so wrong, I say, “Devon, I’m sorry. If I could go back…”
“We can’t. And we can’t keep discussing the past. I’m here now. You’re here. Dayshia’s here too. We have a second chance; let’s take it and run with it.”
He seems so mature. So grown up. Fuck… I haven’t matured at all. Look at what I just did last night to Kaeja, exclusively for myself. To feel better. A lame excuse as always. I straighten my back. It’s time I grow a spine. If Devon can forgive what I did to him, how can I not become a better person? If he’s grown that much… fuck. I have a long way to go, but maybe, no, definitely, I can grow too.
“I’m glad. I can’t tell you how much it means to me.”
“What about the café? You don’t have to work there. I can handle it, but…”
“I think I’d like to work there. Just to be part of it. And us. I want to join the family again. Build the bond between us again. And where else do we feel more at home than at Mom’s café?”
Devon puts his hand out to shake mine as if we just made a deal. For once, can I actually keep it? I vow in my heart of hearts to make sure I fulfill my end of it. From now on, for Dayshia, it’s all about doing the right thing. All the time. What I want is relegated to second priority. Always. I have to do what is right. What is ethically and morally the right answer. Dayshia… Devon… my parents, what they all need is before me. I’ve been selfish up until now and look where it got me. It’s time to change.
“We’ll have to ask Mom’s advice regarding the baby stuff though.”
With all my crazy thoughts, Devon’s statement makes me laugh. “Yeah. Definitely. Can you imagine the two of us raising a daughter? We can ask Kaeja too; she still watches Dayshia several days a week. Along with Tara and Claudia. We’ve really got a whole village here to raise her. But I’m her dad. I have to make sure she’s okay.”
Make sure she’s okay. That will be my mantra. My holy grail. I will do everything for Dayshia. I will be the best father and provider. That includes exposing her to the family she deserves. It doesn’t include dating and bringing women home. Or the drama of restarting my dating life… I will never hurt Dayshia. Not like I’ve hurt others I love.
Feeling all emotional after Devon leaves, I grab Dayshia and set her on my lap. I snuggle her to me until she struggles and squeals. She wants to crawl around and reaches towards the toys she was formerly playing with. I laugh as I finally let her go. Kneeling beside her, I watch her busily moving the colored plastic parts around. I press a kiss to the top of her head, promising, “I’ll do better. I’ll prove myself worthy of you. I promise.”
I call Kaeja. “Devon asked me to move with him to Silver Springs. He offered to live with me and help me raise Dayshia. And he suggested that both of us take over the café for Mom.”
“Silver Springs? Devon and you? Wow. That’s… quite a lot to take in.”
“I know. I just think it’s the right thing to do. I’ve got to improve. I can’t keep fucking up…” My voice trails off and I wince, gripping my phone tighter. “I don’t mean last night. It wasn’t a fuck-up. But we… I…”
“I know.” Her tone is quiet. Serene. Confident. “Go to Silver Springs. Get over Ireena. However long that takes. And however it looks. How we were doing it isn’t right. I think we both knew that from the first, and especially last night. It isn’t going to be right for us.”
I nod, even if she can’t see me. However, it feels a bit like she socked me in the gut. “Should I be sorry?” I finally ask.
“No. That moment in our lives, from her death until now, we both needed each other.”
“We shouldn’t need each other.”
“Not in the way we did. Take care of yourself.”
I shut my eyes, my heart squeezing. Everything in my life keeps changing and hurting. My eyes blink open and I glance at Dayshia. Except for her.
“I will. And you too, Kaeja.” Regret drips in my tone.
I’m losing something I didn’t even have five weeks ago. I don’t want to lose this new, deep, but not-fully-explored connection I have with Kaeja. It’s not right, or helpful or sustainable. We couldn’t keep on like we were. Everything she said is right on. But I still wish things were different.
“I’ll miss Dayshia. Give her only the best care, Damion.”
My heart swells and tugs with regret, but also a sense of relief. I can’t be with Kaeja. I can’t. She’s not Ireena. She was Ireena’s go-to person for everything. It’s too hard and weird and wrong to have her become my go-to person. I can’t keep doing the wrong thing anymore. “I will. I will take the best care of her.”
“I know. Goodbye, Damion.”
I suck in air. Her goodbye is for more than just this conversation. “Goodbye, Kaeja.” But then again, so is mine.
Chapter 5
KAEJA
“Kaeja?”
The woman’s voice startles me. I turn and smile with real pleasure. Claudia Tamasy. “Hi, Claudia.”
She smiles and steps towards me. As always, she is dressed in stylish clothing that matches her business demeanor. She chuckles and simply embraces me in her arms. She’s short and I’ve got about five inches on her. “Always so calm and cool. God, it’s been too long.”
I am not sure how to greet her, but it feels natural to respond by encircling her waist as we hug and then separate. Passing by a small fountain in the courtyard of a shopping square in downtown Portland, I am browsing and eating on a pleasant Saturday afternoon. So, to run into Claudia at an upscale boutique mall with everything ranging from fancy scarves to wedding dresses, I am genuinely surprised.
“It has been awhile. Almost a full year.”
Claudia bites her lip. “Almost to the day. I’m sure you realize that more than anyone. How are you?”
“Better than the last time you saw me.”
Her head tilts. “I was sorry you disappeared. Was it just too painful with us? The awkwardness of seeing Devon and Damion?”
Just the awkwardness of Damion. But I blandly smile, blink and keep my face pleasant. “Yeah. How about you? Did you ever tell Devon that you wanted him?”
Sophisticated as Claudia is, she blushes.
It makes me smirk. “Still? You haven’t told him?”
“No. I told him. I mean… we’re finally engaged. I just realized you disappeared from all our lives before my wonderful, but clueless Devon fully realized how he felt towards me.” She stops and glances around
. “Are you alone? Do you have a little time? Do you want to grab some lunch? Catch up?”
Hesitating, I glance down at the pavement. Do I? Do I want to be dragged back into the twin world of Devon and Damion? They seem to suck the oxygen out of any room they are in and dominate conversations even when it’s only their names being said out loud. I don’t know why. But reasonable, successful and intelligent women become totally enamored with them. No one can resist their handsomeness and masculine charms. Not Claudia. Not me. Not even Ireena.
Do I want to step backwards in time? Do I want to think and dwell on Ireena’s husband again? I’ve worked so hard over the last year to focus on my business, which grew by twenty-five percent. That was simply by investing in more advertising and working longer hours. Hours that would have been filled with hurt and sadness. I tripled down on my meditation and nurtured myself with holistic care practices. I practiced my yoga seven days a week. I meditated right afterwards. I increased the healthy foods and decreased the junk food I ate. I did everything I could to avoid thinking about the last few years and concentrate on the here and now.
But my life had also been very quiet. I maintain pleasant acquaintances I’ve made through work and all my yoga classes. But there is no one like Ireena was to me. Or even Damion. No one is close to me. I’m used to being alone and felt like I’ve always been somehow, except with Ireena. I’ve resisted deep entanglements. I’m reserved, not shy, but definitely not one to hug and kiss others just because we’re introduced.
Sitting down and talking to Claudia sounds new for me and kind of pleasant. I nod. “Yeah. I’m alone and yes, I’d love to grab some lunch.”
We choose a small bistro in the courtyard of the shopping center and sit down. It’s a lovely day out. She flips her curls back and tucks them behind her ear. “So, Devon was an idiot, huh? Took him awhile to see past his nose about you?”
She laughs out loud. “He did. We actually hooked up after Dayshia’s first birthday party. Do you remember that?”
“Oh, yeah, Devon looking all hang-dog still over Ireena.” I wince. “That was bitchy. He had every right. I know that.”
She rolls her eyes. “Those boys. Too damn gorgeous for all the trouble they cause.”
“Yeah, yes, that’s true. I don’t think you’re the first to succumb to their irresistible charm,” I say softly, dropping my face. She doesn’t know I hooked up with Damion. I hope to take that morsel of knowledge to my grave and never have to worry about it being spilled, especially the timing of it. “But let me guess: he got all awkward and stupid before he finally figured it out.”
“How did you know?” Claudia asks with a laugh.
“Devon was blind to you. It was amazing to me… and actually, to Ireena.” I wince. “I’m sorry, that was not necessary to the conversation. But somehow it keeps coming up. Which is odd… I haven’t mentioned her to anyone in six months. There are only a few people still in my daily life who even knew her. So why do I keep doing that?”
“Because I’m one of the people who know.” Claudia’s smile fades but she shakes her head. “I fully know what Ireena meant to you. I know your involvement with the twins, it’s okay. She was a big part of Devon’s past. For good and bad reasons. I’ve always been sorry for the way her life ended so abruptly and what you lost in her friendship.”
“Were you?” I have to ask. I tilt my head as I pick up my ice water and take a sip.
Claudia nods to my challenging tone. It’s kind of bitchy for me to ask this, but here I am. “I was sorry Ireena died. But…” She blows out air and her hair poofs up. “But she was petty and rude to me. So there was no love lost between us. I’m sorry, but you know that.”
“I know. But did you know she was everything to me?”
Claudia stares at me and shakes her head. “To be honest? No. I didn’t understand how that could be. She said you were her best friend, but I could not see why someone like you had a friend like her.” Claudia shudders. “Oh, God, see? I can’t say stuff like that. I’m sorry, it’s… she was so awful to Devon and I always loved him.”
I know what she did to him. But not to me. “She also…”
“What?” I shrug. “Might as well air it out. We don’t have to see each other again if we don’t like the results.”
Claudia nods. “That’s true. And I always wanted to air things out with Ireena if only to understand why she turned so nasty towards me. So, sure. Okay. I didn’t like her. She was mean to me. She called me names. Mostly, fat. And yeah, even if I am, she started out as my friend and ended up taking the very guy I told her I loved. Then she never missed a chance to rub my face in it. She knew how to make me feel self-conscious about my weaknesses.”
I sigh. Yeah, Ireena could be very mean. She could zero in on someone’s insecurity or weakness like a heat-seeking missile and then she’d exploit it. She could not be swayed by personal feelings or shame or regret, not if she had a point to make. “I’m not saying Ireena was nice or fair. She could be ruthless. Hard. But did you ever wonder why she targeted you?”
“She wanted Devon.” Claudia raises her eyebrows for emphasis.
“No. It was more than that; she didn’t want you to have Devon.”
Claudia’s head jerks back. “Why? If she didn’t want him?”
“She probably did but only after she realized you did.”
“And that’s okay with you?”
“It’s more complicated than that.”
“Can you explain it to me? I’ve honestly always wondered. We started out working together on a project for college and she was great. I really liked her and she seemed to feel the same way towards me. And then it all flipped and changed but I never saw the full picture or figured out why she changed. Or would you be betraying her if you tried to explain it?”
“No. I can tell you. Besides,” I shrug with a small smile tugging my lips, “she’d have told you herself if you’d asked her. Balls out and without any sugarcoating. You know that. So, what harm can it do for me to tell you a little more gently than she would have?”
“What? Tell me what?”
“Do you know anything about her? Where she and I grew up? How we got here?”
“No.” Claudia’s face shrinks up in a puzzled scowl. “No, crap. I don’t.”
“She enrolled us in private school for high school. She even managed to procure two scholarships for us by shaming the admissions examiner. We were the only black students. Can you imagine? It was us against everyone, Claudia. For real. You think it’s no big deal, but have you ever been the only white person somewhere?”
“No. No, I haven’t.”
“We were the only black girls. If you think it sounds easy and say you’d be fine with it, that skin color doesn’t matter and all, you might just convince yourself of that. But it’s very unnerving to feel so different among so many who are unlike you. It’s intimidating, to be honest, and even scary at times. Especially being kids. Being the only black girls at this school made some of the girls deliberately… cruel. By the time we got here, she was fed up with all that shit. You know.”
“She was nice to me… at first. And vice versa. God, I’ve never been a mean girl.”
“No. I’m sure you haven’t. In fact, I think you’re the opposite. But it wasn’t about you. It was about what she witnessed and experienced at the hands of many mean girls at a school when we were so few. She liked you until she saw you liked the one nice black guy she first met here.”
Claudia licks her lips. “You mean… she didn’t approve of me liking a black guy? Oh fuck, that’s a… a thing? The reason? Devon never said anything like that. We often talked about being interracial, obviously, but we’ve always been such an integral part of each other’s lives that it was never an issue between us.”
“Between you, no, it doesn’t have to be. But it might be an issue to others. And it was to Ireena.” I shrug. “And no, I didn’t share her opinion. Not at all.”
I understand the human flaw of
judging others and I also think it’s crap. But the world isn’t yet comprised of rainbows and unicorns and unfortunately, racial inequality and stereotyping have not yet ceased. I wish for that like anyone else, but I can’t live my life pretending that it is that way. Some members of the black community don’t like white women marrying black men just as much as some white people don’t like it. That’s reality. As for Ireena? “She didn’t think Devon should be wasted on a blonde bombshell like you, a girl who could have anyone she chose.”
Claudia’s entire torso jerks back like her nerve endings got zapped or tased. Apparently, she can’t fathom the truth of that. She doesn’t see herself as Ireena saw her. “I could never have anyone. I was always fat and… and awkward and bookish and she was gorgeous…”
“She was also black. Exotic. Not the standard of beauty for most. You thought she was gorgeous. But not everyone did. She wasn’t the paradigm of classic beauty, Claudia. You are.”
Claudia’s gaze darts around and I lean forward and touch her hand. “I’m sorry. This must feel awkward to hear. You might or might not agree. You asked me so I’m telling you Ireena’s perspective. That’s all. I understood both sides. That was where Ireena came from. I was never that keen about it. But she was. That’s why she treated you unkindly. It was never personal. She was simply a product of her life experiences.”
Claudia’s gaze clouds over. “I’m sorry. I truly never saw that perspective.”
“I know. I didn’t judge you. Ireena did.”
“I could have tried harder.”
Finally, I smile, shaking my head as I ask, “Well, why would you have? She was pretty terrible. And it’s human nature to avoid a mean girl.”
Claudia lets out a surprised laugh. “You’re awfully honest about her.”
“Always. She was honest too if you think about it. She was always out there with whatever she felt.”
“What was she to you?”
“Everything. She meant everything to me, Claudia. My best friend, my sister, my parent. I had none of those. She was all of them. We came from a rough neighborhood where poverty was rampant, something I haven’t witnessed around this area. She lifted me out of a life of drugs and prostitution in that place and got me here. She’s why I lead the life I now enjoy. Ireena saved my life. But not by being nice. I admired her ability to be ruthless when she had to in pulling both of us up and out. She was just a kid and she rescued me.”