Damion

by Leanne Davis

  I’ve lost all belief in my judgment. In myself. In my confidence at anything. Maybe this illustrates why I can’t be in a relationship, as I still don’t know up from down… Minutes of having her in my arms was all it took for me to know I wanted more… Of her. Of us. Of holding each other and kissing and touching and everything else.

  “More? Are you trying to determine whether or not there is a future for us?” Kaeja fills in my suspended sentence.

  I nod, dropping my face, utterly chagrinned. “Yeah, that’s what I want to do. If you do.”

  She frowns. “You want to take a vacation? With me?”

  “Well, it might reveal exactly where we stand.”

  “We could also go on a date.”

  “We could, but then everyone would know there’s something between us. This way, it’s just us.”

  Her eyebrows furrow. “Just us?” she repeats. Is she talking to me or herself? Finally, she gives me a small nod. “You really want to try this?”

  “I just want to know why this always happens. What it might mean. Do we make each other feel better about losing Ireena? Or just better in general?”

  “And you have no idea of the answer?”

  “None that I’d trust.” A whoosh of air exits through my nose. “I’m really sorry, I don’t know. Do you?”

  “I can’t say either. I thought I was done with this… you know, sex and us. I was at peace, or so I thought over the last year until I saw you. Then it all flew out the window and I could only see you and me; it was powerful and confusing.”

  “Yeah. I felt that way too. The minute I laid eyes on you.” I reach out and touch her cheek. “I screwed up so much. I really want to do something right.”

  Her hand covers mine and she links our fingers. My heart reacts with a loud thump. I’m surprised at how right and good it feels, and it fills me up with warmth.

  “Start with: this wasn’t part of your screw-ups.”

  “Okay, this wasn’t a screw-up. And next? Will you come away with me? Let’s spend time together and see? Free of Ireena. And my family and our friends and Silver Springs. Even Dayshia. Let’s just see?”

  Her mouth puckers up and her eyebrows furrow towards her nose. It looks like a little rabbit nose and I find it hard not to smile at her concentration face. “Okay, yes.”

  I nearly gasp. Something flares in my chest… a good feeling. It’s almost shocking since I haven’t felt it often anymore. Dear God, I forgot what excitement and anticipation feel like. She wants to come. Just us. Me and her. My nerves feel raw and overly sensitive, but they are secondary to this new feeling. I was excited and hopeful about Dayshia, as well as rebuilding my previous relationship with Devon. I haven’t felt excited outside of those two reasons. And with a woman? And a romance? Or the chance of it? No.

  Maybe it’s time for us to define it before we end up in bed again. It tends to flow that way so easily. She has an earthy, calming presence that I like to be around. I fear I might take advantage of that.

  I guess we’ll just have to see. I have so many plans to make. I’m sure my parents won’t mind having Dayshia a few more days.

  She smiles at me. “I can’t believe this day ended like it did. I have to get my work in order before I can take the time off. I’ll pack and then what? Shall I meet you there? Where is it?”

  “Towards the very tip of Washington State, where the Quillayute River empties into the Pacific Ocean. There’s a small village called La Push. It’s about a five-hour drive from here. I booked a small cabin but I’m going to call and see if I can’t upgrade it.”

  “I’ve never seen the ocean before.”

  A smile tilts the right side of my mouth up. “You’ve never seen the ocean? You’re kidding me?”

  “Not kidding. Never. Not once. Never been near salt water, except as much we are now. Forty miles or whatever it is as the crow flies.”

  “Why didn’t you ever drive to Astoria? You’d see it then.”

  Her face scrunches up with puzzlement again. Air blows out of her mouth. “God, I… I really don’t know. How dumb is that? I’m only forty miles from it and it never occurred to me to see it. My family rarely traveled or went sight-seeing. They showed little interest in anything at all, to be honest. I never left my neighborhood or went anywhere I couldn’t walk or ride a bus to. Ireena wasn’t into it much either and nature is definitely not on my radar.”

  I grip her hand harder. “You must see it then. You gotta experience it once in a lifetime at least. Especially being this close.”

  Her mouth lifts and so does my damn heart. Does that mean something? I don’t know for sure. Not yet.

  “I’ve never thought I deserved to see stuff. Or travel. I suppose there are tons of things and places I should see and do. Yet I do nothing. No desire for it I guess.” Her head drops down and she licks her lips. Is she shy? I think so. Or maybe she’s pleased to discuss doing this with me. “I guess it’s far overdue.”

  “I’d say so.” I surprise myself when I lift our joined hands with our fingers spider-webbed together and tight before I brush her knuckles with my lips. She stares at me, startled and then pleased. It thrills me. Deeply. Contentment fills my chest. I like to see her smile.

  It’s a start. Except for Dayshia and my family, I don’t care about seeing another person smile.

  I walk her to her car and we fall into silence, but it’s not awkward or weird like before. We hold hands and stare at each other when we get beside her car. “I’m glad you stayed for a while longer.”

  She mock-punches me in the stomach, grinning. “I am too.” Her words and tone are soft and clear.

  I grab her hand and squeeze it in mine as I lean down and set my lips on hers. She responds to my subtle, chill kiss. I lean my forehead on hers as I say, “I’ll call you tomorrow afternoon after all the plans are set.”

  “You’re sure about this?”

  “I’m totally sure.”

  To be honest, I wasn’t. But for the first time, I wasn’t totally not sure either. I was taking baby steps towards something new and different. Maybe for the first time in a very long time, I was doing something better.

  Chapter 9

  KAEJA

  Well, of course, Devon’s wedding wasn’t where I was supposed to have sex. No way. It makes me burn with embarrassment when I remember it. I’m fairly certain no one knows, but I cringe nevertheless. It’s just so gauche and unclassy and so not me… usually. This time, there was little or no hesitation or thought, just as the first time with Damion.

  It would be nice to see what the hell this connection with Damion is that keeps ending in sex. His gaze on me reflects a deeper, more thorough connection than I’ve had in the year since I last saw him. And damn. Realizing how much I missed him filled my heart and gut. His touch inflames and also comforts me. Another new experience.

  He calls me and tells me that things are set. Dayshia will stay with his parents while he and I vacation in a cabin he managed to upgrade. This one sits right on the beach. New for me. Both the cabin and the ocean. All of it. My stomach skitters with excitement. Wow. Why have I never gone away on vacation before? It never really occurred to me. Being single and with better than modest means, I could have anytime. I just don’t. I wonder why. Unless it is something done by someone I know, I usually don’t do it.

  “I’ll pick you up tomorrow at nine, okay? We can check in at two.”

  “I’ll be ready.”

  “I know it’s May, but pack warm clothes anyway. It can be breezy and rainy and it’s cooler there than inland.”

  I have no idea what to pack or expect but my blood is bubbling with excitement to see him and the adventure of finally going somewhere and doing something new. Crap. I’ve been stagnant since Ireena died. I let my entire life become so safe and boring, the polar opposite of all that was Ireena.

  I’m ready and waiting when he knocks on the door. Dragging my suitcase with me, I open my front door. What will it feel like? He gives me a sof
t, small smile that makes my heart lodge in my throat. We stare for a long moment. Finally, he says softly, “Hi.” He breaks the awkward moment and tension by brushing his hand along my cheek.

  It feels so natural to smile back. “Hi.” I sound breathless and almost scared. Am I? Maybe a little of both. This is so new. Damion and I purposely doing something. Making plans together that are not involved with sadness or friends or family. Most of all, not because of Dayshia or Ireena. He clears his throat and asks, “This everything?” I nod and he grabs my suitcase and we go to his car.

  I stand there for a moment, blinking as if I’m waiting for him to disappear. He calls back to me, “Coming?”

  It’s nice to have a guy carry my stuff. Chivalry is something I’ve never been on the receiving end of. Never. Not even one date ever opened a door or carried my things for me.

  I come up beside him. “Yes. I’m just not used to men doing that.”

  “Doing what?”

  “You know, carrying my stuff for me when I’m perfectly capable.”

  “Professional courtesy?” his mouth slips into a smile. “I started with Ireena like a shithead, but contrary to that, my parents instilled me with a sense of propriety and etiquette. Opening doors, pulling out chairs, pleases and thank yous, and all the old-fashioned stuff. So, if it’s unwanted, just say so.”

  I shake my head furiously. “No. No, it’s super wanted and very much appreciated.”

  I smile at him and he gives me a long look back. “You should get used to receiving only the best treatment. And I haven’t given it to you. That’s because I didn’t start out with Ireena right. I want to correct that.”

  I slip into the passenger seat of his SUV and watch him climb in and click his seatbelt. His gaze meets mine. “I don’t want you to correct anything. I want you to be you… fully you. And let me be me and we’ll see where that freaking leaves us.”

  He’s pulling the vehicle onto the road and he nods his head. “Yeah… I get that. I want that too. I couldn’t sleep last night because I was so excited to do this. To go away. I wondered what it would be like and how we’d feel; but in all honesty, I’m totally nervous.”

  “I am too. I couldn’t sleep either. I was just as excited and I want this to work out as much as you do.” Crap, I said too much. My tongue feels unleashed while my nerves make my spine shudder. I’m not completely at ease like he’s the dear old friend of shared memories. No, the air between us feels taut and raw. My feelings towards him are the same. Do I want a relationship? Hell, if I know. Yet, there I go, saying I want this to work out? I shake my head. “I mean the trip. I want our trip to work out.”

  His mouth curls up and he lets out a small laugh. “Crap, we’re both nervous.” He leans forward and adjusts the air flow blowing out of the vents. My gaze is riveted on his powerful wrist peeking out of his long-sleeved, gray shirt. His wrist and large hands are muscled and veined and so manly, I get hot and bothered just glancing at them. Inside my mind, I’m picturing the strong, solid feel of his hands on me. My breasts. My thighs. My ass. I blink as I squirm in my seat, my swelling and desire nearly leading to embarrassment. What the hell is this? Do I have it that bad?

  A fleeting glimpse of his forearm, wrist and hand have got me tingling with anticipation. I’m rapidly heating up as if it’s the hottest appendage ever flashed at me. Dear God, what is wrong with me?

  A few awkward, quiet, unsure-what-to-say miles pass. Crap, maybe this entire endeavor is a mistake. What will we find to talk about? Fond memories of Ireena? Again? That’s what we did the last time we spent any length of time together. We held each other. We cuddled. And we cried together over the same woman. A woman we both loved. How could that lead to anything but scraps for me? A man in love with his wife. A widower, lonely and unsure of his own judgment.

  Finally, so random and right out of nowhere that it startles me, he says, “Want to know what Dayshia did when I left?”

  It was so quiet in the vehicle it seems as if he yelled when he only spoke in his normal tone of voice. Desperate for something to say, I pounce on it. “What? Did she cry?”

  “No. I don’t think she realized I’d be gone for more than a few hours. She’s used to that short amount of time. She adores my dad and he was holding her in his arms as she waved at me and kept saying ‘Daddy-go. Daddy-go.’ Mom and I kept talking so she grew more insistent with ‘Daddy-go-now!’ and let me tell you, she wasn’t very polite or nice when she said now.”

  I let out a laugh as my thoughts about his hands on my body instantly evaporate. Instead, I try to picture the angel-faced, little girl ordering her daddy away from her. “She’s going to miss you like crazy.”

  “And I’ll miss her… but truth be told, I could use a few mornings just to sleep in…” A little grin comes my way. “She usually slips into my bed around five AM and within an hour, she’s squirming around, causing some ruckus or another and there we are. Up and ready for the day, be it Tuesday or Sunday, makes no difference to her.”

  I laugh and smile as some of the familiar ease of the old days starts to fill the distance between us. The novelty of no longer connecting through Dayshia’s babysitting in the very oldest days, or Ireena’s death until now, leaves us with no clear definition or understanding of who we are together or even why we are together.

  We start chatting about Dayshia, and what happened during the last year. He tells me things about her personality and her likes and dislikes, which she does not hesitate to confirm. The challenges Damion runs into and also the triumphs seem to surprise him more than anyone else. He talks about Devon and his idea of building a newer, more modern café while expanding locations. The first one has to fly and then, hopefully, maybe someday, many more. They could sell them as franchises.

  “Your own empire in the field of hometown cafés?” I tease, touching his arm. “Really, Damion, that’s amazing. You two arrived at the point that you want to do that with each other. Without going into it, I think it’s quite an accomplishment. Not only the work you’ve done for your family business but also the bond-rebuilding you’ve managed to accomplish with your brother.”

  He gives me a side glance. “I doubt I could have handled any of what happened without first of all, you, and then Devon and even Claudia too. My parents ran a close second. But Devon’s always been right there. Like a hovering co-parent. He got up with her at night, and took her lots of mornings. Literally, he was hands-on. Two idiot bros with no idea how to raise a baby girl.”

  “But doing it all the same?”

  His smile is small and he ducks his head, but I know he’s more than just a little bit proud. “Yeah, doing it.”

  Sharing the details of Claudia and Devon, I hear about their long journey in getting together as well as all the particulars about what Damion does at his job. He questions me more about my job and I explain that I’ve managed to build up my graphic design clients enough that I can work entirely from home and for myself.

  “Do you like it? How did you get into it originally?”

  “I loved it instantly. Freak thing, I had to take an elective so I chose graphic design, and stumbled upon a surprising talent for it. I was hooked and I’ve loved it ever since. Who knew? Ireena first suggested I try branding for businesses, nonprofits and corporate advertisers… She always saw the big picture, which I often overlook. She was a true visionary.”

  Damn it. There I go mentioning Ireena again. Bringing it all back to her. I didn’t mean to speak her name. Not right now. Not after the banter and flow we finally got going. None of that was based on her. But there it is. Here we are.

  We fall quiet, following the winding road we are driving on. It takes us along Lake Crescent, a lazy, gorgeous body of water, with steep mountains that rise up and are covered in countless evergreen trees. The water is so clear, it seems invisible far out from shore. It’s breathtaking. I keep falling silent as I marvel at the sun-drenched scenery.

  “You know how I knew she actually cared about me?�
�� he says out of nowhere.

  Fuck. Ireena wool-gathering. Back to sad. Back to the singular understanding we share. I want to bang my head into the passenger window repeatedly. I did it. I brought her up. I reminded Damion why he likes to be around me. I reignited our “connection.” Now I distinctly and quite suddenly don’t want to be the source of our connection. I’m human after all. There’re only so many times I can be reminded of the dead woman I can never be to this man.

  But I sigh and go along with it. “No. Actually I kind of wondered how—after it all went down—you believed her.”

  “Devon made twice the salary I did working on the docks. She never once asked me to change jobs. I gathered she was kind of money-hungry with Devon, which, no judgment intended, but so was Devon at the time. She seemed fine with my limited income and was intent on furthering her own career. She expected to be the breadwinner and she never once voiced a single complaint about that.”

  I smile and this time, there is no sadness, only a heart-warming fondness when I picture Ireena. I didn’t expect him to share that. My initial heart-dip rekindles the urge to go back to talking about her. “Yeah, she did care very much about her lifestyle. Given how we were raised, so did I. Perhaps, more than most. So, it must have been true love. And stupid her if she didn’t know that about herself. Who better to rake in the money than brilliant Ireena? She really didn’t need anyone for that.”

  “To be honest? She needed me to raise Dayshia. And to be… I don’t know, maybe to help her see life a little less harshly. Who knows how it would have been?”

  “I like knowing you believed she loved you. She did. And what you just said is all the proof you could ever need.”

  He tilts his head towards me, then quickly back to the curvy road. “I think… it’s really nice to be with you like this.”