by Leanne Davis
“Try me. Just say what you feel and think. I was Ireena’s BFF, remember? I doubt what you have to say is half as shocking as some of the things she used to say.”
My lips are twitching to smile at the probable truth of her statement.
I can’t look at her. I’m ashamed of my thoughts, but if admitting them will provide some relief, I should.
“What, Damion?” She gently nudges me.
I groan and shake my head. “I feel despair. I don’t want her to be autistic. It was an overwhelming disappointment that crashed over me. I picture her being different from everyone her age, and that scares me. I want her to have the whole world, not to be limited by this.” I lean forward. “How could a father even think such a thing about his daughter? She is who she is. I know that, Kaeja, I really do. But when the doctor recommended she be tested, all I could think of was, God, no. Please no. How much more do I have to endure? Ireena died of a freak condition she should never have had. Leaving me alone with a child I don’t know how to raise or be alone with. None of it was supposed to end up this way. It was supposed to be like Devon’s happy marriage. You know? Falling in love without hurting everyone you hold near and dear. Love isn’t supposed to involve betrayal. Then after my wife dies, I learn my daughter is autistic? How much more is there? Devon falls in love with no obstacles, and everyone couldn’t wait for his wedding. A collective sensation of glee surrounded it. Guilt-free love. Joy. They can start their married lives by discussing when and how they will have kids. And, God willing, I doubt Claudia will drop dead after giving birth.”
I wince and rub my face. I can’t look at Kaeja. She’s quiet for a long time. I finally sigh. “This is why I should not speak about it out loud. They’re such awful thoughts to have.”
Her hand touches my forearm. I can’t feel the warmth through my jacket, but I sense the pressure. She slides her hand forward until she clasps all my fingers in hers. Her head tilts and she snuggles up on my shoulder. “I don’t think they’re awful at all. I think they’re just gut-level feelings spurred on by shock and anger. But in trying to keep them quiet, you’re just working through it. It’s a lot to handle. You had a dream for your daughter, which is not so unusual. You’ve just been told that it might be different than you imagined. Again, an emotional reaction to learning this type of thing is within the realm of normal.”
“A really good parent would be okay with it. Just go with it. Not fear their life has been altered irreparably and be terrified of what that will look like. I didn’t come to you because I didn’t know what to do or to exclude you. I came because I didn’t want you to see me like this. As I am. What if my initial reaction makes me a monster?”
“You thought I might think that of you? Just because you had an emotional reaction to some pretty startling, heavy and scary news? Being overwhelmed and upset is not wrong, Damion. It makes you human. You thought you knew the trajectory of her development and therefore, your life, and now it might look completely different than you ever considered. Understanding what this means only makes you smart and real. You’re not burying your head to an uncertain future.”
I turn to catch her gaze. Her eyes are big with obvious care and concern… for me. It takes my breath away. Do I deserve it? Maybe. I want to think I do. But I really can’t say. “I was worried about what you’d think of me.”
She snuggles against me more. “I think you love your daughter more than life itself and that’s why this is so scary.”
I grip her hand, turning my head to kiss the top of hers. I’m so grateful for her presence, her words and her reaction to my revelation. “What about us? What if Dayshia is autistic and she’s not at the same spectrum as my dad? What if my whole world and job and schedule are about to change?”
She shrugs, tilting her head up so she can see me. “Damion, that’s what love is. We face it together. The fairy tale doesn’t exist. But loving another through joy and pain, the good and the bad, or in this case, as different than you pictured, is all part of life and if we choose to share it together, we can be there for each other.”
My entire body melts into hers. I needed to hear her say that. Without any coaxing. I need her. I wrap my arms around her and feel her presence, her warmth, and her companionship. She alleviates some of the guilt. The unknown. The fear. “I was afraid you might not stay here with me.”
“Oh, I’m staying with you. I won’t leave you over a life-changing event that some may call ‘too hard.’ No, not for that. I’d only leave you if your behavior towards me was unacceptable. If things aren’t working between us, but certainly not because something critical changed in your life… and I hope you’d react the same way to me.”
I stare into her eyes for so long, she finally smiles and almost shyly asks, “Why are you staring at me like that?”
I run a hand over her cheek and jaw, brushing her smooth, brown skin with my fingertips. “Because you are the best thing that ever happened to me. It both shames and exhilarates me. You saved my sanity more times than I can count. I wonder how I could ever repay you? I want to do whatever I can, from now on. I want to talk about us and Dayshia and my family and you and our jobs and… I want all of that.” I suck in a breath of air as I say again, “Because I’m in love with you.”
Her eyes close. “I really didn’t think you’d ever say that to me. I feared Ireena was keeping you from talking to me or seeking me out.”
I shake my head. “No. Just my unattractive insecurity that I promise to work on.”
“I need to work on realizing how much Ireena’s history affects you still. Maybe I’m afraid she overshadows me. You know? I loved her. I really did. But she was always more than I could ever be. More beautiful, smarter, more accomplished, more everything. She had a bigger than life personality and I was a mousey version, lurking in the background. I was okay with that when she was alive, but not now… Not when it comes to you.”
“I need you to face my life. Not just this scare, but to be a part of everything I intend to do or experience, and I want to give the same back to you.”
“I do too. Even if we’re not Devon and Claudia.” She smiles a small grin. “We can be pretty amazing and people will cheer for us too. We’re brand new. Just us. As is. I want this, Damion. Us. If you do too. But you have to start fighting for me. You resisted fighting for Ireena, but you can’t do that with me.”
“I want that too. I got in the habit of Dayshia being all mine. Even with Devon, I had full and final authority. I want to share her and whatever our life turns out to be. That is, if you’ll have us. Despite my chronic mistakes, I know my feelings are right.”
She suddenly moves and straddles me. I gaze up at her, startled at her uncharacteristic move and because she’s taller than me now. She grips my chin in both of her hands, cupping my face as her dark-eyed gaze travels all over me. “Yes,” she answers simply as a smile plays on her lips. She leans over me and sets her lips on mine. We kiss with tenderness, concern, and care for the longest time before she finally leans back and rests her forehead on mine. She holds a hand up with her fingers splayed. I raise my hand to meet hers, pushing our handprints together for a long moment before we finally intertwine our fingers. “Me and you and Dayshia. No matter what?”
I suck in a breath. It’s the perfect thing to say to me right now. It calms all my panic and jitters. I squeeze her hand with mine. “Yes. No matter what. The three of us.”
“Why don’t we go get her? She’s the same little girl you told me all about with perfect authority and clarity since she was born. So why don’t you pick up the daughter you know, and love, and adore? She’s not changed. She’s that same little girl to you, to us, and she always will be. No matter what.”
“If she is autistic, she could present a vast variety of developmental delays and need specific therapies. Or it could be just some behavioral irregularities… it runs the gamut.”
“Then we, you and I, as her caretakers will do whatever is best for her.”
My breath is hung up in my chest, and I’m both scared and hopeful to believe that. “Why? Why would you want to do this with me?”
“Because I love you. And I love Dayshia. Nothing changes that. And this?” She makes a little pffft noise. “It couldn’t even begin to change a thing for me.”
I squeeze her torso closer to me and bury my face in her hair. “Thank you for everything you just said, and for loving me… and loving Dayshia.”
She leans back, touching my face. “Exactly as you are.”
I touch her face and say, “Exactly as we are.”
She lets out a soft, tinkling laugh. As wrung out, angry, horrified, scared and confused as I was when I got here, I can now smile with her and laugh. A huge boulder has been lifted off my shoulders.
Our foreheads meet, and we gaze cross-eyed at each other. It’s the best moment I can remember besides Dayshia’s birth. It all feels brand new. Me. Her. Our relationship. My ability to be there. I whisper lest I break the intense mood, “I promise I’ll get my actions to match my words. I’ll get this right, I swear.”
She smiles again. “If not, I’ll keep chasing you down and kicking your ass until you do, I swear.”
Saying that, she alleviates all the tension and difficulties. I squeeze her close to me and we hug long and hard before I finally rise up and set her on her feet. “Let’s go get Dayshia.”
She turns out to be right. When I walk into my parents’ house, Dayshia’s on the floor with a straight face. She’s playing with her trains and she mimics the sound they make going down the tracks. She never names them or pretends they’re people or doing anything but riding the tracks. She moves them around and it makes my heart swell… Not in fear. Or shock. Or with regrets. Just love. An abundance of love for this little being fills me. How could any label be applied to her? She is Dayshia for me. The essence of her I know. I adore. I cherish. And nothing can change that for me. Nothing.
I just freaked out for a moment. Over some words.
But words can’t compare to love or feeling like this.
I lean down and kiss her head. She glances up at me. Then scowls and goes back to what she’s playing with before I scoop her up in my arms. I blow kisses on her tummy. She finally responds because she’s ticklish. Her little laugh takes away all the flaming anger and regret. They scatter like birdshot.
Dayshia is alive and healthy in my arms. My mom’s eyes fill with tears, since I more or less pulled a one-eighty and did an about-face since leaving here. She nods at me and I reciprocate, exchanging a silent message. She seems to get it. Yeah, I had an epiphany. I finally know what steps to take forward.
Dayshia wraps her arms around my neck and sets her head on my shoulder, sticking her fingers in her mouth. The weight of her in my arms is thrilling. How could I wish for any other life? How could I not be Dayshia’s father? What if this beautiful, unique, wonderful, cherished child were not mine? What if she did not cling to me and bury her face into me? All the love in the world bubbles up in my heart for her.
“I’m going to have her tested. I think she’s like Dad.”
Chloe nods. Her eyes are shining. “I think so too.”
I move my gaze to my dad. “And if she’s anything like you, how could I be any luckier?”
My dad smiles, but his gaze leaves my face. It’s too much. Too intense. Some might feel the urge to hug each other, but not Dad. He is overwhelmed with emotions now. And I can feel his emotions all the way across the room. His pride in me, and in Dayshia and his unconditional love. He has more love to give than anyone I know. He has the truest personality of anyone I know. Glancing down at Dayshia, I realize how often she is like that too. Loving or hating, calm or having a meltdown, one always knows where Dayshia stands.
Kaeja waited by the front door. “Would you two like to stay for dinner?” Mom asks.
I glance at Kaeja. She’s startled and not used to this. Us. But she slowly nods her assent. “That would be… nice.”
I walk over to her, Dayshia still in my arms, and kiss her cheek. Everything is different with her. Love is brighter and healthier and it makes me happier than I’ve ever been in my life.
Which I deserve.
It’s still hard for me to embrace and believe, but if I don’t, who will? And Kaeja deserves that, from me… I am ready to give her everything but mostly, who I am. My past, present, and future, my heart, my soul, my family, and my daughter.
She clasps my hand when I set mine next to hers. “Should we move the trains around the track?” As Kaeja witnesses, Dayshia will do that for hours.
She nods and we sit on the floor. My dad starts talking to Kaeja and we easily fall into a banter as we play with Dayshia, who half ignores, half plays with us. It’s easy and familiar. And Dayshia is allowed to be exactly who she is. I scooch her back to sit between my legs, and she lets me. I realize now, there’s nothing that can change who she is to me, and how much I love her.
I glance at Kaeja, I’m pretty sure that’s exactly how I feel about her too.
Kaeja seems to read my sudden profound thoughts… again. She smiles a private, loving look at me, and I respond. We get up when my mom calls us for dinner.
Epilogue
KAEJA
“Do you take this man to be your lawfully…” I hear the minster’s words but I’m floating in the clouds so high, I can barely register them. When he pauses, waiting for me to speak, I nudge my brain from the wandering, beautiful thoughts, and smile up at Damion, who takes my breath away. On this day, he will become my husband.
My husband.
The words thrill me. Ribbons of joy and disbelief and excitement speed through all my nerve endings. It’s glorious. My husband. This big, beautiful, quiet, fun, loving man is mine forever. I know the future is rosy for us.
He wears a traditional tuxedo that follows the lines of his body and makes him look breathtaking and hot. But his eyes, shining with certainty and love, are what sell me on him. I feel like the luckiest person alive.
Gripping my hands in his, he turns and we face each other. The small church, the same one that married Devon and buried Ireena, is filled and the crowd is watching us. They have all come to celebrate us. As happy for us as they were for Devon and Claudia. Each of whom stands beside us now as our best man and matron of honor. I never thought this would happen, that I’d be the blushing, smiling, happy bride. He squeezes my hands and his smile goes wider as he continues staring at me. I feel his toe nudging mine. Oh. I drifted off into my happy thoughts again and missed the cue to speak my words for the ceremony.
Beaming, I say, “I do.”
Damion grins and seems to realize where my thoughts wandered off to. We’ve had this conversation a lot. More than most people. Starting where we did, and overcoming the hurdles, stigma and history that joined us, took guts. After climbing and hiking over all the mountains of difficulties to get here, which was three years, to be honest, we didn’t rush anything. We dated for a year and kept our separate places. We lived together in year two. I gave up my house and we bought a small one in the neighborhood behind the café. Nearer his parents. It’s really lovely, and the last place I ever foresaw myself settling.
I’ve learned that with the right person, the small three-bedroom rambler on a quarter acre lot, in a small, provincial town, really isn’t a bad thing at all. It’s as exciting as owning a castle in Europe. Watching Damion walk in from work, or coming home to find him and Dayshia engaged in anything at all, swells my heart until I feel it will burst. I think to myself, there is not a prince or a princess in any far-off kingdom who could be as proud, satisfied, and filled with joy and hope about life as much as I am.
Damion says the same thing to me. He had to live through the bad to attain perfection. I remind him nothing is perfect, but he argues that anything that we do and feel is the true definition of perfect. That’s how we perceive it.
Devon is his best man, and he is smiling at us too. Claudia is my matron of honor and we had so much f
un planning the wedding. I wanted to go all out and do the traditional thing. No part of my life has ever been traditional, so I wanted this, the most important day of my life, to be everything I missed out on. Damion and Ireena’s wedding was not much of a celebration so we wanted this, ours, to be the polar opposite of anything in our pasts.
This day is ours and Dayshia’s.
She was evaluated and her disorder is on the autism spectrum. It wasn’t hard to accept by the time it became “official.” We already knew for sure by then. We started with therapies and more doctor appointments. We learned about special diets and exercises, which help with much of the sensory issues. Certain foods and their texture play havoc with her. Luckily, my propensity for eating natural works well with this. I’m rapidly becoming an encyclopedia of things to try and finding out what works best.
Between the two of us, as well as Chloe and Chet, we make it succeed. Dayshia is thriving and she will grow, develop and change to reach her full potential. Whatever that might be. However far she might go. We have no defined expectations or landmarks. Most agree she won’t be nearly as high functioning as Chet. But it doesn’t taint or change how much we enjoy and adore her. We love her passionately, just as she is. And we will do everything we can to take her as far as she can go in the world. We will help her reach her full potential, whatever that looks like. We are both excited to witness her progress and help her succeed. There’s a lot of hope. She’s doing amazing things now because of early intervention, including speech and occupational therapy. Some things we tried weren’t proven effective although some worked and some didn’t. Maybe the proof depends on the case. We were also open to using milder and more natural therapies.
After our honeymoon, we will be starting our next endeavor. Not something most would expect. I sold my business for a tidy profit. I’ll still do life coaching part-time from home, but mostly? We plan to become foster parents for the special needs kids that come through the system. Our ultimate goal is to adopt another child with special needs. And I’ll be a stay-at-home mom with Dayshia and the primary caregiver to foster kids. I love it. I can’t wait.