by K. Pinson
“You can’t what, Nev?” I wish he would stop calling me that. Makes it harder to play this game.
“I’m not Nev.” Not Anymore.
“You can stop playing this game with me. I know the truth. I know your parents always thought I was a stupid shit and I’m sure you even started to believe it, but I’m not. I know you’re my Nev.” His Nev.
My thoughts are running rampant again. I shake my head vigorously from side to side, trying to keep as serious of a face as I can muster. I want to prove to him that I am Heaven and Nevaeh is dead. It is definitely easier said than done. Even saying it isn’t very fucking easy.
“Ryker... Don’t make this harder than it has to be. Just believe me and we can continue with this visit. If not, I’ll leave.” I don’t know what else to say. I can’t have anyone else in town catching on. Ryker grabs a handful of his thick hair and begins to pull at it. This is his go to nervous tick. I used to yell at him when he’d do it, it drove me crazy. But not this time, my mouth stays firmly shut.
I jump down from the table and attempt to get around him.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have come. I just needed someone...” I can’t even finish what I am going to say because honestly, I don’t even know what I need anymore. I need to let go of my previous self and own this role or else it was never going to work. It’s not fucking working.
Ryker grabs on to my arm and spins me towards him, looking deeply into my eyes; searching.
“You need me?” His eyes turned stormy and I couldn’t read what he was feeling anymore, “I’m fucking here, Nev. I’ve always been here.”
The words feel good deep down in my soul, but they don’t feel right. I loved Ryker so long ago and things were so different now. I have become a harder version of my past self. I’ve been weathered, beaten down, and then built back up by someone that wasn’t him.
“Why are you frowning?” he questions. How could I tell him that it would never be us again? How could I tell him that he wasn’t crazy and it actually was me? How could I tell him that I did die, long ago, and this doesn’t change anything?
“I didn’t realize I was.” I answer honestly. Sometimes evading information is just as bad as flat out lying. But sometimes, it’s necessary. He rubs his thumb against my face, where I imagine frown lines have appeared.
“I don’t like it.” He admits and truly, neither did I.
“I’m sorry. I can’t help it.” I sigh and turn away. I can’t stand the hurt that lies behind the way his body tenses, “Things just aren’t what you think, Ryker. I’m just happy for you. I’m glad you’re doing well for yourself. You deserve a good life. I guess I just wanted to come by and tell you. I needed to do at least that.” I walk around him and out the door. I proceed towards the exit as fast as my feet can possibly carry me. The rain is coming down hard outside and I only have a thin tee-shirt on. I open the door and made a run for it, slipping in a fast filling puddle and soaking myself from head to toe. Being graceful wasn’t a word used to describe me. Through my hazy vision, I can just make out an outline sprinting towards where I lie sprawled across the pavement.
“Are you ok?” he shouts. I nod my head and place my hands on the ground to push myself up.
“Come back inside. Let me at least grab you a towel or something to dry off with.” I don’t argue. I’m sure I would ruin the seats in the car if I get in like this. There is literally not one inch of me dry. I start to follow him inside and suddenly get woozy, before I know what’s happening, Ryker wraps his arms around my waist to steady me. My head gets light headed just from his simple touch. I feel my body tingle. The rain seems to pour down around us, quickening just like my heart beat. He cups my chin with his hands and brings my lips to him before I have a chance to stop it. I don’t even have time to think about how wrong it is. My heart doesn’t really know my head right now. All I know is what I want and in this moment, it’s him. It’s everything we’ve been missing. It’s the not knowing.
I kiss him back, full force. I let all of the pent up frustration out. This makes for an amazing distraction from all the bullshit I’ve been feeling. I feel awful though. Like the biggest slut on the planet. It’s just so easy to be with someone I have so many memories with. Our chemistry is still here.
He pulls away for a brief second, just long enough to look in my eyes and convince himself that this is really happening. Just as he begins to lean in for a second kiss, thunder booms and scares the daylights out of the both of us. I begin to laugh and he follows suit. He wraps his arm my shoulder and leads me back into the tattoo shop. All of my senses rush back to me as soon as the door closes, shutting off the outside world and all of the noise that was drowning out my conscious and confusing my mind. He lets go, almost as if he feels the difference and I rush instantly away.
I make it a point to stay out in the main room where there is plenty of space between us. Ryker goes into one of the back rooms and grabs several tiny towels. He pulls a roll chair from around the main reception desk and places it into the middle of the room, gesturing for me to sit. He walks towards me and starts to wrap one of the mini towels around my back, just as I’m feeling the slight hint of warmth I hear him gasp and the towel drops to the floor.
I whip around and he continues around me, pushing the back of my top down.
“What are you doing?!?” He doesn’t answer, just continues his assault.
“I fucking knew it!” It wasn’t until those words exited his mouth that I realized what he was talking about...my tattoo. Panic grips me fast and I feel my knees buckling underneath me and my head beginning to swim. I go down and the room goes black.
Chapter 9
When I come to, I look around nervously. I remember going down and I feel like the biggest fool on the planet. How embarrassing. I attempt to sit up, but when I do, my head begins to swim. I reach my hand around to touch the back of my head when Ryker appears out of nowhere and pushes me gently back down.
“Ouch.” I cry out as soon as my head touches the floor.
“Stay still sweetheart, the ambulance is on the way.”
“No! I have to get home. Tate’s going to be home soon.” I try once again to sit up and notice the small puddle of blood surrounding my head. My eyes grow wide.
“You cut open the back of your head pretty bad. I’ve been monitoring your breathing. The EMT’s told me not to move you. They will be here any minute. Sorry for that motherfucker’s luck. You are going to the hospital.” His voice loses all hint of care and grows hard instantly. I have no chance to respond because before I know it, the ambulance is here and they are carting me off to the hospital. Ryker climbs in the back of the ambulance and I shouldn’t be surprised, but I am.
When I arrive at the hospital, I’m ushered back into a room and a doctor sees me promptly. I’m checked for a concussion, with no evidence found to say that I have one. The lacerations on the back of my head are stitched up and pain meds are given through an I.V. Ryker sits in silence in the room the entire duration of the exam. He doesn’t leave my side. The only time he even shows any hint that he’s in the room at all is when Tate comes bursting through the doors. I look up at him, his hair ruffled and his face red like he ran all the way. He rushes over to my side and plants a kiss forcefully on my lips. Things heat up quickly and I try to push him away gently, but I’m nearly sedated. I hardly have enough strength to move, let alone handle this. Pain killers really hit me hard. I’m a lightweight when it comes to them. To be honest, I’m surprised I’m not sleeping. Ryker clears his throat and Tate breaks the kiss. He ignores Ryker and makes quick work of examining me.
“You okay baby?” he asks gently.
“Been better.” I retort. He smiles and it’s easy to be dazzled by his extremely white teeth. They almost glitter.
“The doc said you’ll be going home in no time. Luckily, my name was your emergency contact in your file. I don’t know why you didn’t call me though.” He frowns. I don’t even have a phone. At least, n
ot one that I’m aware of.
“Uh...sorry...must have left my phone at home.”
“No matter. Glad you’re okay though, babe. When I heard the news, it nearly scared me to death.” I gulped hard at those words. Death. He leaves me side just long enough to walk over to Ryker and shake his hand.
“Thanks for looking after my wife.” He pulls out his wallet and offers a hundred dollar bill to him, “This should cover the loss of time you suffered today.” I can’t see Ryker, but I can only imagine the disdain filling his face. Yet again a person judging him based off of his appearance.
“Nah, man. The pleasure was all mine.” His voice was sugary sweet and laced with acid. He shoves past Tate and out of the room without taking a second glance at me. My stomach feels completely uneasy.
“What was that all about?” Tate demands and looks to me accusingly.
“He wasn’t some stranger. He’s an old friend. You probably offended him.” I’ve never been a good liar. But damn if I’m not trying to make it work now. Tate dismisses me completely, shoves the money back into his wallet and inside of his pocket.
He grabs the chair that Ryker had vacated and sets it next to my bedside. He places his hand on my forehead and begins to rub, causing my eyes to droop steadily.
“Sleep my love. I’ll take you home as soon as you get some good sleep.” He knows I have been leaving the bed every night. He is the one who takes me back to it before I wake in the morning. I feel a little bit bad about it. I’m sure it’s a blow to his ego. A man like him is probably used to having women fall at his feet. But this is different. It has nothing to do with him. Well, not as a person, but more about who he is to Heaven. Obviously, I can’t explain all that to him. As much as I sometimes would like to do it. It’s not as if my parents have given a damn since they’ve been getting what they want with Father still steadily climbing the polls like they foresaw. But I can’t blame them. I’ve made this decision for myself. I’m an adult and this is my bed. I’ll now lie in it, again. You’d think I’d learn at some point. Now I just have to deal with it.
I fall asleep quickly, dreaming about Ryker and how he discovered that it was the real me between the raindrops. Making visible to him the tattoo I had gotten all those years ago. A heart with a music symbol in the middle and our initials gracefully interwoven. I thought I would be with him forever, like most young girls assumed of their first love. I’d have to get the tattoo filled in and I know of only one person right for the job.
I sleep for a few hours and just as promised, Tate takes me home. My head still throbs, but there is no substantial damage so I should be thankful. The doctor makes Tate promise to check on me throughout the night and wake me every few hours just to be on the safe side. Tate seems pretty happy to do so. Which means, I have to sleep in his bed.
When we arrive home, I wrap myself in a blanket and settle myself on the couch. I turn on the TV and watch a bunch of mindless shows to try and get my mind off of the craziness of this day. I can tell that Tate wants to question me about the events of the day. I’m sure he’s just being nice right now by not saying anything. I think I owe it to him to at least give him a half truth. It’s not possible for me to tell him who Ryker really is to me. But I can tell him who he was to Nevaeh. As the days go by, I’m finding myself to be more like Heaven anyway. I’m starting to have the same thought process and trying to think things through before I just do them. I’ve been known to be a pretty impulsive person. If I want something or someone, I just go for it and handle the consequences later.
“I know you’re confused by this day. I am, too. I ran into Ryker. He’s an old friend. Him and Nevaeh, they used to be a couple. He’s been pretty distraught and wanting answers ever since the funeral. I ran into him at the Diner awhile back and decided to seek him out. I thought that maybe talking to someone who also knew her, would help me to deal with my grief as well.” It’s not a complete lie, but my stomach still hurts about it.
“You know you can talk to me about everything.” I wish he knew the truth, so he would realize that I can’t talk to him. He wouldn’t understand.
“I’ll keep that in mind next time, I promise.” I smile at him. The best one I can give. It’s been a trying time. I’m fortunate, he doesn’t question me further. He looks off into the distance for the remainder of the night, almost as if trying to piece together everything. I decide to order pizza while he’s zoned out. I’m starving.
After we eat, I feel completely drained. I walk upstairs with the help of Tate as I’m still feeling a bit out of it. He helps me to undress and places one of his tees on me to sleep in. I don’t throw a fit about it. I can hardly stand on my own. I crawl into bed and he tucks me in. He spoons me and I fall asleep peacefully. He wakes me every couple of hours just like the doctor insisted he do. He never falters. The first time we’ve slept in the same bed all night is actually really peaceful. That could be the pain meds doing the talking though.
When I wake the next morning, later than usual, I find myself still in the same position and Tate still firmly snuggled against my back. I try not to wake him as I wiggle under his grasp. I really have to go to the restroom. I make it out of bed without him waking and rush to the bathroom to take care of my business. When I step back out, he’s wide awake and staring at me.
He pats the bed next to him and my stomach growls at the exact same moment, bailing me out.
He laughs, “I see you’re feeling better this morning. I’m glad.”
“Come on sleepy head. I’ll make you some breakfast.” I make my way to downstairs and to the kitchen. I open the fridge, half expecting the contents to be nonexistent, but find it fully stocked. The shock must have been evident on my face.
“Maria came yesterday and stocked it up.” He studies my reaction, so I give my best jaw dropping smile like I know what he’s talking about. He winks like he knows I don’t.
I pull out the contents for a vegetable and ham omelet. I should be able to make that, can’t be too hard. I crack some eggs and put them in a bowl, whipping them as I add the other ingredients. Tate helps out by chopping up the veggies so I can just throw them in as I go. I add cheddar cheese and throw it into the pan. It cooks nearly to perfection and I’m actually proud of my creation. It’s then that Tate’s stomach growls and I crack up laughing. He comes up behind me and begins to tickle my sides, which only induces harder laughter, almost causing me to pee myself and I’m only wearing still has tee-shirt and my panties.
“Stop...” I beg in between breaths. He kisses my neck.
“Fine, but only because I’m starved.” He grins and I flop our omelets onto plates. He takes mine from my hands and leads the way into the living room to sit in front of the television while we eat. What a gentleman. As we eat, he sparks up a conversation about the movie that he’s currently working on. It sounds extremely good. Almost like a suspense. The more he talks about it, I begin to recognize bits and pieces and realize that they were working on a movie together. He plays the main character which only makes perfect sense. They are a couple in the movie which would definitely work as I’m sure they had impeccable chemistry.
“You almost ready to come back babe?” he asks and I think that have to. I will never be quite as ready as what she was, but I’ve got to try.
“Yeah, I think on Monday I’ll be good to go. I’ve had a lot of time to think and to heal. I’m ready.” He leans over and kisses me lightly. It’s what one would describe as a perfect kiss, but there’s nothing behind it. I’m suddenly sad about the loss of my old life and knowing that I’ll never be able to actually have a love of my own. This definitely isn’t the worst that I can do and I know that, but still. I miss the guys.
“What’s on your mind babe?”
“I’m just thinking about some old friends of mine.”
“You’ve sure been talking about a lot of ‘old friends’ this week.” He almost sounds angry.
“It’s not what you think. Just the loss of my sister really
reminds me of the past. We used to be really close you know?” He looks at me skeptically and I can’t say that I blame him. I mean, she didn’t even invite me to her wedding for God’s sake. The most important day of her entire life. She probably never ever brought me up to him.
“I find that hard to believe, but I’ll take your word for it. I will admit, I didn’t like how that tatted guy was staring at you though.” I turn away from him and start to get up to head into the kitchen and put my plate away. But he doesn’t let me. He grabs my arm and pulls me back to where he is hard. I wince in pain.
“I’m talking to you.” He barks, anger filling his face.
I yank my arm out of his grasp. I stare at him right back, anger filling my face. I don’t like to be treated like that, weak. I am far from. I’ve had to fight throughout the years for every important thing I’ve had. I didn’t get anything handed to me on a silver platter. I refused to let people take care of me. Sure, Jamison had helped me to get back on my feet but it wasn’t for nothing. I played with the band and gave any money I earned directly to him. Most of the time he wouldn’t accept it and would hand it right back. But he could never say that I didn’t try to pull my own weight. I learned long ago that the person you can trust most in life is yourself. You can love people, you can care about them, but you can’t rely on them. It just doesn’t work out that way.
He looks shocked when I yank out of his grip.
“I’m sor...” He starts, but I cut him off immediately.
“You will not ever grab me like that again or else you will be nursing a bloody nose.”
“I just don’t like other men looking at you like that. That’s all. I really am sorry. Jealousy makes me see red at times. I just love you so much.” I turn around and finish the task I had intentionally set out to do. After, I head upstairs and crawl into bed. I pay no attention when he crawls in behind me. I ignore any advances he makes. I’m certainly not in the mood now and ready, yeah, far from. He takes a hint pretty quickly and we both fall asleep.