He had to have a few Cortisone injections as he had a pinched nerve and was told his back pain was actually quite serious; the doctors said he might have to have an operation. But Robin, who was constantly in the gym and very strict about his diet and looking after himself, wasn’t having any of it. ‘I’ll be fine,’ he insisted. But I knew something wasn’t right and I just had an uneasy feeling about it all. By that time we were both confirmed for the new series of Strictly and happy to be going back. We had been partnered on the show six years earlier and since then we had loved doing that job together. It wouldn’t seem right if one of us wasn’t there so we were thrilled to be back for the new series – especially as the producers had made some changes and brought in some new dancers. We were pleased we had still made the cut!
We had lots of bookings in June and July and with every show we did, Robin seemed to be struggling even more. A few weeks after it was confirmed we were both back for Strictly, he called and told me that he was going in for an operation on his back. Something had happened that day and now he couldn’t walk. The situation was serious and he needed to have an operation to sort it out. I was heartbroken for him and I couldn’t believe it was happening – how could such a trivial night out doing silly lifts back in Blackpool start this problem that now required an operation?
It tends to be harder for the professional men on Strictly to not get injured as they work with female celebrities who don’t have dance experience and don’t know how to hold themselves or support themselves in lifts. It just means they can get injured and overcompensate more, and then small problems quickly become worse. But as a dancer, Strictly is actually a small part of our year: we are self-employed the rest of the time and still have to find work. We can’t afford to turn down anything that comes our way as we are the lowest-paid people in the showbiz world; that is well known. Our way of making a living is the work we do after the show: teaching, doing private lessons, personal appearances, etc. So I understood why Robin didn’t say no to work: he didn’t want to stop earning and take some time off to rest when he could still dance. Unfortunately, it was the worst thing he could have done and he was devastated to pull out of the new series of Strictly because of his operation. As a dancer, his body was his tool, and it must have been horrible to feel that it couldn’t move how he wanted it to and that he had to have to have an operation – with no guarantees about what would happen afterwards. Robin is like my brother, my best friend, and I was heartbroken that I would be doing the new series of Strictly without him.
I tried to be encouraging: ‘You will get better. You just need to get over the operation, get better and then we can get back out there and continue to dance,’ I insisted.
‘But what if I don’t ever dance again?’ he said. ‘What will I do?’
Robin isn’t just a great dancer, he is a special person to be around and a very happy, lively guy. He brought such a big personality to the show and I am very lucky to have had him by my side for all those years. He is such an upbeat, positive person, and our birthdays are only a week apart, which means we have quite similar personalities. We both have a strong work ethic, we don’t tend to dwell on things and we were the perfect partnership. So when I started the new series of the show without him, I missed him terribly. He did come and watch the show a couple of times towards the end of the series, while he was still in recovery, and it was really good to have him there. But it did feel as though my right arm had been cut off. And it wasn’t just me who missed him: the whole cast felt like a big part of the show was absent. He was such a funny, genuine person and was liked by everyone.
I started the new series of the show knowing that I had a month before my big charity event and yes, by that time, most of the organising had been done. I was so grateful to some of the dancers on the show as they had offered to perform for me on the night as the entertainment, which was fantastic. And the biggest support I got was from Anton Du Beke, who offered to host the evening. Anton is one of those characters who brings his own humour and identity to the show and it just wouldn’t work without him. Only Anton could tackle such strong women on the show – like the MP Ann Widdecombe, for example (she would not have stood a chance without him, would she?) – and make it work. He has such a great personality and a real British humour – a wonderful sense of timing and wit. I really admire him and when I approached him to be my host and explained to him about the evening and the charity, he said he would love to help. I felt so blessed to have all my friends on the show help me and having never asked for any sort of help from them before, I was overwhelmed by their kindness.
The whole evening was brilliant. Anton was an amazing host and everyone was talking about how funny he was and how brilliant the dancing was. I partnered with Ian Waite, who was my knight in shining armour, and all the other dancers put so much effort into the evening. I also had support from lots of Strictly Come Dancing celebrities and the event was featured in Hello! magazine, too. I felt overwhelmed with support from everyone and we raised £93,000 in that one evening. It was just incredible! The only sad thing was that my mum wasn’t there to see me do a speech, which she would have loved. I was speaking right after Cherie Blair and so I actually made a bit of a joke.
‘I am OK dancing live in front of millions of people every Saturday night but how on earth do you expect me to follow Cherie’s speech? How will I ever say anything more interesting than Cherie Blair?’
What I lacked in humour, I did make up for in honesty and I spoke from the heart about how much the charity meant to me. I was holding back the tears as I was talking about my childhood but the audience gave me a standing ovation afterwards, which was pretty encouraging. I kept thinking about Ben Cohen and how, without his guidance on the event, it would never have been a reality. He was the one who gave me the tools and the belief that it was possible to organise. I would never have found a way to do it without his encouragement, so being partnered with him was good in so many ways! I was very happy that he came to the evening, too, and it proved that with friends and people who believe in you, you can do so much.
It was an amazing night and a real turning point for the charity. And for me it was also a pivotal moment as I stood up on that stage and talked about my childhood. I no longer felt ashamed or sad about it, I didn’t want people feeling sorry for me or seeing me as a victim; it was just about the genuineness of finding a charity that meant so much to me. I supported this cause 100 per cent, and when the fundraiser event all came together in September it was one of the proudest and happiest days of my life. But I was about to be brought back down to earth with a big, press-related bump…
CHAPTER 24
No good deed goes unpunished
What was a truly triumphant evening turned into a nightmare the very next morning. OK, so we still raised an incredible amount of money for the charity, but everything felt overshadowed by press reports about Ben Cohen and the breakdown of his marriage.
I think this needs some explanation. A week before the event somebody sold a picture of Ben and I to the Daily Mirror and made some nasty suggestions that something was going on between us. I remember getting a phone call about that photo during the launch of the new series of Strictly, and I thought, ‘Well, there is nothing in the pictures so what is there to worry about?’ We were on the Tube together, having just gone to the final dance lesson that had been won at auction at Ben’s own charity event in May. I had auctioned two lessons at his fundraiser, and it was hard to get the winners all together on two specific dates so we ended up splitting the lessons into four different sessions.
There was a school in Kentish Town that we used for teaching those lessons. The owners were my friends and they let us have the venue for free as it was all for charity. Ben and I had been to the studio three times prior to this so we only had one more lesson to teach. There was a group of ten of us in the class and it was good fun, lots of the photos went on Twitter and everyone enjoyed themselves. I remember the date precisely: it was
16 June 2014 as I had had lunch with an MP in the House of Commons earlier that day. It is not something you forget! I was talking to him about the Dot Com Foundation and then straight after the meeting I met Ben in Kentish Town for the lessons.
Randomly, as we got to the studio, we met two of the producers from Strictly: the celebrity producer and the executive producer. We explained that we had auctioned lessons for Ben’s charity and there was a group of people waiting for us. I wanted to know what they were doing there and they revealed that they had a few try-outs for the new series of Strictly. They wanted to meet a couple of potential celebrity stars to talk to them and ask them to dance a little. So we had a good chat, said our goodbyes, then we went and taught the lesson. After that we caught the Tube together, I went back home and Ben went back to Northampton.
I have put it plainly and simply because it was just that. So I was very surprised to get a phone call from my publicist in the middle of the Strictly launch to say that the newspapers were going to run a story that Ben and I were going on a secret date, using the picture of us on the Tube as evidence. It was absolutely ridiculous!
The headline said something like ‘Strictly Friends?’ with a big question mark, and the picture was just of me sitting in the carriage with my hands in front of me, chatting away about something to Ben. What was so weird about that? And the most damning point was that the Mirror had held this photo for three months before they used it – the pictures were taken in June, for goodness’ sake! Then all of a sudden, when Ben’s marriage being in trouble (which it had been for a few weeks by then) was in the press, the pictures came out. If they had appeared in June then I doubt there would have been a story around them, but they released them at the right time and I was then blamed for the whole breakdown of the marriage. The papers had made it look as though Ben and I were meeting around the time of his marriage breaking up and therefore I was somehow involved.
It was such a mess, and all just a week before my charity fundraiser, too, which meant that it just added to the stress I was under. So I hired a lawyer to sort out the damage such speculation was causing to my reputation, which of course wasn’t cheap, but I was determined not to let the newspaper get away with it.
Ben rang me after the photos came out and suggested that it might be better if he didn’t come to the fundraiser as he didn’t want to give the press any more ammunition than they already had. But I told him that would just create even more speculation. Besides, it was Ben who had put the fire inside me to really focus on the charity and who had spent so much time giving me advice and support.
‘I’m not a coward, you’re not a coward, everyone who has helped me will be there and you have to be there too,’ I told him. ‘We have nothing to hide.’
So Ben was there and we were photographed for Hello! magazine and the paps outside the venue took pictures of him leaving the event as well. They used the pictures to add fuel to their twist on the breakdown of his marriage that I must somehow be involved. The articles were full of nasty allegations and I was shocked that our wonderful event where we had raised so much money for such a brilliant cause had been overshadowed by pure lies. It broke me completely. I couldn’t believe this was happening and I was in bits – I felt bullied and abused in every single publication and magazine. But what is the old saying? The truth ruins a good story. It just felt like all they wanted to do was pile the blame on me.
It was the start of a long campaign of hatred, I felt. I was being slated in the press for everything possible. The Daily Mail put me on the front cover, deeming what I wear on Strictly as ‘overly sexy’. But I have no control over the costumes – we have a dress department who tell us what to wear. Every weekend it seemed that something was being speculated on in the press and, in the end, Ben and his wife released an official statement that said there was no third party involved.
What made matters worse was that there were certain people who were regularly calling the papers and selling stories to the press. There were so many lies being reported I was torn to shreds by the media. I felt bullied with no support around me. Actually it was Ben who went on Facebook to defend me, which was brilliant. He said: ‘It’s a desperately sad world when two adults of different genders cannot have a friendship without being attacked maliciously. Stay strong Krihanoff. It’s horrible being bullied each week for no reason at all. Thinking of you.’
I was grateful he said that, but it just added to the speculation and the press printed a story that the BBC had demanded a meeting with me to talk about my behaviour. The truth is I called the meeting because I was struggling and I told them that I needed proper help from the press office. I also wanted to reassure them that I was fully committed to the current series and that it wasn’t affecting the work I was doing with my new partner, singer-songwriter Simon Webbe.
Before the series started, Simon had been struggling with a spell of depression and had spoken about using alcohol and his broken relationships quite publicly, so I knew he wasn’t in a particularly good place either. It just felt so bleak. But I didn’t want those nasty stories about me to affect him and, to be honest, after a month and a half of what I can only describe as abuse, I really did think maybe things would be better if I left the show.
It wasn’t an easy decision, I thought about it long and hard, but ultimately I didn’t want my negative press to affect Simon. He was very supportive, though, and he told me he had had his fair share of negative press and so he understood how I felt.
‘Unfortunately, Kristina, you are just bringing more interest to the show and selling papers. You are strong, you will just have to stomach it,’ said Simon.
Although I was very grateful for his no-nonsense support, it didn’t make me feel any better. Around this time I had so much abuse online from internet trolls and countless vicious comments on my Facebook and Twitter pages. I was called all sorts of names, but I never responded. I remember one day I locked myself up in my flat, I didn’t eat all day and I just sat and read all those comments about myself and I was just… I don’t know how to describe it. It was such a low point in my life. I called my mum and told her that I was going to step down from the show – I just needed to escape.
I texted the producer to say that it was probably for the best if I left the show and that they find a new partner for Simon. I didn’t want the situation to affect his results in any kind of way and I didn’t want him to get any sort of blame for my bad press. I am not a selfish person and already we had been in a couple of dance-offs by that point, which I felt wholly responsible for: I felt like the public were getting at me by punishing Simon.
It all came to a head in Week 3 of the show. Simon and I had only a few hours to train because he was busy filming a new music video with his band, Blue. I think we only managed about four or five hours of rehearsing that week and the rumba, which we were performing, is hard for a male celebrity to learn – there is so much detail in the dance and the men have to show a lot of emotion. And Simon did struggle as he was worried about forgetting his steps and wasn’t at all comfortable with the routine, which I had struggled to teach him in that time. So that week, when we found ourselves in the bottom two, I actually thought it was quite justified. But according to the press it was because of what I was wearing – a white shirt! As I have said before, it’s not up to me what I wear. It was a reference to the film that the music we danced to was taken from – Top Gun and ‘Take My Breath Away’ – and I was on the front of the Daily Mail (where else?) under the headline: ‘Viewers’ backlash against Strictly Siren’. They said it was all my fault we were in the dance-off because: ‘When it comes to a matter of taste, Kristina’s routine and outfit left little to the imagination.’
And I thought, ‘You know what? If I’m so bad for the show then just let me quit. I don’t want to be in it.’
I was up all night crying and I didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything.
After I texted one of the producers from the show about quitting, they rang me
and gave me a bit of a pep talk.
‘Look, Kristina, we don’t want this to happen, we don’t want you to go. We are dealing with a hugely popular show and you quitting will open up a big can of worms and the media will have a field day. We know you are feeling a little low at the moment but the press attention will pass and we know you will be OK. Simon is getting better thanks to you. Eventually people will stop talking about everything else and will focus on the dancing.’
The thing was, I was ready to go: I wasn’t scared or worried about the decision, I just felt I couldn’t do anything right. I sat at home and I thought, ‘I don’t want this any more.’ I couldn’t face the group dance rehearsals on the Monday so I cancelled them and then went to meet Simon to tell him I was leaving. But he was having none of it.
‘Kristina, what are you talking about? There is no one else that can do the training you do, you are amazing! I work really well with you,’ he said. ‘And don’t mind all of that newspaper crap. I have had my fair share of bad press and ugly press but don’t let it get to you.’
It might all sound so trivial to some people. Why should I be so emotional about press stories over what I wore? But I was dealing with a much more sensitive problem than that alone. On top of everything else – and something no one else knew about – my mother had had a breast cancer scare. Petrified, she had to have lots of tests done as well. And the worst thing was, I couldn’t be there for her. The whole situation was pure darkness – I could see no light, no relief in anything. I just thought, ‘I don’t want to be on the show any more. I don’t want to be portrayed as a bad or nasty person in the press any more. I want to go back to Russia and be with my mum because she needs me.’ The guilt that I couldn’t be there for her was killing me but I was under contract and I couldn’t just leave the show. The guilt and the press… it all got too much. And when I say that I felt suicidal at that point in my life, I truly meant it. I was having such dark thoughts and I’m not a person who gives up easily. I know that I’m strong but the abuse… it just destroyed me emotionally.
Dancing Out of Darkness Page 21