by Tina Maurine
“I fly out Monday, for Turkey.”
“It’s going to be a long flight, having you on my mind the whole time.” He cleared his throat, his discomfort palpable.
“I hope it will be an even longer trip, having me on your mind.” I sighed.
Noah shifted uncomfortably.
“That’s not going to happen, is it? Once you get there, I’ll become a faded memory and you’ll have found your family with Vi and Suri.” I sighed again, more quietly, but continued. “I really am glad we’ve known each other, even for as short as it’s been.”
“Tessa,” he began and stopped just as suddenly. He went still, and then cleared the emotion from his throat before he started again, “You will never be a faded memory. I can’t explain what you do to me, or rather—how do I say this without sounding completely crazy—your soul completes me in ways I can’t even understand. I can’t ever forget you. My soul hungers for you, even if my mind and heart are at odds with it.” Noah stopped, realizing he just admitted that his mind didn’t think we should be together, and his heart loved another more.
I had no more words, and neither did he. We lay in each other’s arms until we comfortably dozed off.
We were rudely blasted from our sleep when a party arrived in my room and the lights blared on. I glanced at the clock that hung above my bed: 0119. Fucking great.
“Whoa, buddy!” Sammie greeted, slurring her words.
I shifted just enough so I could see her, Kari, Ari, and Dirk, all holding beers. In fact, Ari had a mini cooler with him and confidently strode over to my bed. He ignored Noah’s hand on my ass, as he grabbed my hip and pulled, rolling me out of Noah’s embrace. My upper body budged, my lower did not. Noah’s strong thighs held my legs captive, and his hand still draped over my hip and ass in a controlling clutch. Apparently, Noah didn’t want me going anywhere.
“Why don’t you join us, baby girl? Come have a beer?”
“Ari, I just woke up.” I said, sounding more irritated than I intended, but he did interrupt my last night with Noah for Christ’s sake.
“Okay, we just swung by to grab you. We figured you were here alone, and there’s always time to sleep later.”
“Yup, I’m on it.”
Noah acted like he was still sleeping, though there was no way he could’ve been with all the noise. Moving his hand, I sat up, swinging my legs over the edge of my bed. I took in the chaos around me; Sammie and Dirk were sucking face, Ari had Kari on his back as they headed to the door.
“Kari, when’d you get back?”
“Today. Come on, I have to tell you all about it!” She motioned for me to follow as they disappeared into the hallway. They were being pretty loud for as late as it was. Sometimes, I had to remind Kari and Sammie that this was like an apartment building, not a frat house, and that people did occasionally sleep here. This time, however, Sammie was off the hook… she was too connected at the face to be the one making all the noise.
Noah reached up and rubbed my back under my thin t-shirt. “Are you going with them?” It startled me, and instead of it feeling wonderful, it gave me goose bumps—the weird kind. My mind immediately leapt to our exchange against the door earlier. My body responded to the memories, working my mind into a state of confusion. My body responded to the memories of us together, and yet, it was slightly repulsed, like the wrong end of a magnet by the same touch just a minute ago. How strange. A defense mechanism maybe…
“Hey, hooka!? Are you and Noah coming?” Looks like Sam finally came up for air.
I shrugged Noah’s hand off my back and stood up. “Going where?”
“Ran into Trigg and Ketts, and they’re having a party at their place off base tonight. They’re waiting for us downstairs. We figured you should come; you know, have a good weekend before the shit hits the fan next week.” She motioned her head in Noah’s direction, where he now leaned against the bed with his arms crossed.
“Oh, is that all I am? Next week’s shit?” He asked it sarcastically, but it came off sounding pissy instead.
Dirk laughed. “Dude, if the shoe fits…” He gave Noah the peace out sign.
I walked past Dirk, grabbed Sammie by the elbow and led her into the hall.
“Are you really taking Dirk over to Trigg’s? Isn’t that a conflict of interest, so to speak?”
“Nah, Trigg and Ketts were hanging out in Ace’s room when I got there. Then, thanks to you, Dirk showed up, and everyone actually hit it off really well.”
“Yeah, well, why shouldn’t they? They have the same taste in chicks—you.” Under my breath, I added, “…and all your intimate parts in common.”
Sammie gave me a look of total disdain. She slapped my arm. “Hey, just cause I’m gettin’ some and everybody’s cool with it, doesn’t mean you have to rain on my parade.”
“I wasn’t trying to start shit, but I wanted to point out the totally obvious in case later tonight you say you wish someone had told you. That’s all.”
“Well, in that case. Thanks, Mom.” She took my hand and pulled me back into our room.
Dirk was facing Noah as they talked quietly. Noah glanced up when we entered and motioned to Dirk with his eyes. Dirk took a step back and said in a louder voice, “Awesome, then. All set ladies? Noah’s coming too.”
I looked at the clock and wondered just how long Noah had before he had to leave. Shrugging, trying to put it out of my mind, I started to primp in the mirror for whatever the next few hours had in store for me.
24
We took a taxi van from the BEQ to the gate, where we said goodbye to the driver. There was no reason to take it off base; it would’ve just cost us some of our valuable beer money, and the walk to Trigg and Ketts’s place was short.
“Hey, fuckers!” Dirk and Noah addressed some of their shipmates, who were guarding the gate.
“Look at the shitbirds the wind blew in!”
A couple of the duty gate guards walked over and slapped the two of them on the back. I could hear them bitching and moaning that they wished they could join us at the party. The testosterone was so thick you could cut it.
Sam, Kari, Ari and I were tired of the bullshit the security guys were stirring up. It seemed like they were all a little too amped up on testosterone for our liking. The four of us passed through the gate and started off, trailing behind Trigg and Ketts.
Ari spoke up first. “So, baby girl, what’s up with you and Noah? I’m a little confused. Is it on again or off?
I shrugged and glanced up at him in spite of the stiff wind that was whipping the frigid Arctic air across my already chapped lips. Trigg and Ketts had fallen back, walking with us in a tight group. They seemed especially interested in what I had to say.
“Yeah, you know… it’s the weirdest thing. There was all this like heady sexual tension tonight; then we fell asleep. ASLEEP, asleep… like nothing happened asleep.”
Ari cut me off. “Tessa, really? Is there any other kind of sleep?”
Everyone laughed at my expense, but I knew what he meant. I just wanted them to know NOTHING had happened tonight.
“So, smart ass,” I lowered my voice and directed my comment towards Ari, “when you guys came in and woke us up, it was, I don’t know, somehow… different.”
Ari came in even closer, basically hip to hip; he looked over his shoulder. Noah and Dirk had left the base and were gaining on us. I considered the circumstances and left it at that. I didn’t get into it any deeper with Ari about why a switch had been turned off in me. It was too damn cold, my voice would’ve been carried off anyways, and the guys were like, right there. Ari’s closeness comforted me, and we all put our heads down and dug into the stiff wind.
Why was it so different with Noah? I’d been so into him… like REALLY into him. Oh my God, how that boy can kiss… Even on the bed I’d wanted him to hold me. So why then? Why did he give me the heebie-jeebies when he touched me? What flipped the switch? Better question, I thought to myself, is will the switch get flipp
ed back?
Ari bumped into me, and I made out his smile in the dim moonlight. “We’re going to have fun on det., aren’t we?”
I smiled and nodded in agreement. Just so long as he gets that this is a Squadron work detachment, NOT a working Tessa det.
Dirk and Noah caught up to us right as we reached the guys’ house. There was no mistaking the party going on inside. Loud music pounded, a few cars clustered around the front, and from what I could see through the windows, quite a few people gathered inside. We couldn’t make out if it was anyone we knew, since they had the red lights on, but at least it was a ‘happening’ party. Nothing worse than getting all dressed up, doing your hair and make-up, getting somewhere, and then it being a small, dead gathering.
When we got to the door, it was locked. Trigg pounded on it and when it opened, my jaw hit the ground. Dane. Stood. There.
Boom. In my face.
“‘Ey, Tessa.”
Noah put his arm around my waist as we walked in.
Jeezus, why tonight? Drama free. Drama Free. DRAMA FREE, PLEASE.
This thought ran through my head about a million times in the few seconds it took for Dane to notice Noah’s arm draped possessively around me. He raised an eyebrow, looked at me, back at Noah and paid it no mind. “‘Ey, sæta mín. ‘Ye are looking hrífandi, absolutely stunning ‘ey.”
Noah backed off a bit. Dane came in for a European kiss, one on each cheek, and a tight hug.
“You’re looking pretty damn good yourself. What’s it been, nearly two months?”
Dane smiled. Ari hadn’t moved. In fact, it was as though everyone were waiting for an invitation—everyone except Trigg and Ketts. They had long disappeared, presumably into their kitchen to get drinks. Everyone else stood there rooted to the spot, right inside the door.
“‘Ey, Tess, tell ‘ye mates to make themselves at home.”
I looked around the group. “Well, you heard Dane. Make yourselves comfortable.” I took off in the direction of the kitchen, hopefully to find a STIFF drink.
Jeez, who thought this was a good idea? I’ll have to remember to kill Sammie!
I felt someone grab my arm, and it spun me around. I found myself staring right into Noah’s chest. “What the fuck was that all about?”
My eyes narrowed as I took a step back. “Dane and I are friends.”
“Sure looked like you were a hell of a lot more than that.”
I REALLY disliked his tone. What right do you have to go all possessive on me now, asshole? “Keep your voice down; so what if we were? So WHAT?”
“Are you fucking serious right now?” Noah shoved his fists into his low-slung jeans and raked me over with his intense, stalker eyes.
It bothered the hell out of me. I couldn’t believe Noah had the audacity to act like I was in the wrong. I was not having any of that. I grabbed his arm and jerked him into a side hallway.
“How the fuck do you get off asking me… no, telling me that I’m doing something wrong by saying hi to a friend?”
“It looked like it was a helluva lot more than a friendly hi to me.”
“So, what if it was?” I hissed. “Noah, we’ve been over this fifty fucking times, if not a hundred. Yes, I feel something for you. Yes, you feel something for me. No, it’s not going to work because I am not your priority and I won’t be your second string girl. End of story.” I went to push past him, but he caught my arm.
“Tessa, you fucked him, didn’t you?”
I rolled my eyes and followed the tip of my boot as I smoothed an invisible wrinkle out of the throw rug. Looking up, I saw the lightest blue I think I had ever seen his eyes—even in the red light.
“Yes.”
“You and him? Was it the same as with us?”
“Noah, we haven’t even…”
He cut me off right there. “The hell we haven’t. I was in you and goddamn it you were around me; we were intimate, damn it!” His voice sounded pained.
I cleared my throat. “I’m not doing this, not now. This is neither the time nor the place.”
Noah took my arm and pulled me from the hallway into a dark bedroom. A small fish tank provided the only light. He pushed the door shut and backed me up against it. His mouth came down on mine possessively, wantonly, insistent and borderline callous. His hands roamed over my ribs, up my breasts to my neck. He buried one in the hair at the nape of my neck, the other at my jaw, on my lips, touching… feeling as though he weren’t sure if I were real. He kissed me deeply, tasting me, making a memory.
Between our kisses, I grasped for the words I wanted to say. “Noah, I can’t do this. I’m really mad at you.”
He tore his lips from mine; our connection immediately lost. Even though I wasn’t ‘feeling’ it, my soul was recharging off the energy we created when we were together.
“You didn’t answer my question.”
I sighed and pushed him back a little, so I had some breathing room. “What’s your question? I’ll answer any you have, because after this weekend, you probably won’t care what I have to say anyways.”
Noah just shook his head. “You really think that, don’t you? That even when Vi and I get back together, I won’t think of you, I won’t feel the need to be with you. I guess that’s why I need to know about that half-wit Icelander. What’s his name?”
“It’s Dane. He’s not a half-wit, and don’t be cruel. You don’t want me to get started on Vi.” I shifted uncomfortably again. OHHH trust me, you don’t want me to get started on her…
“You said you’d answer my questions. So, why the fuck won’t you kiss me back? Don’t you feel like you need to? Like your soul’s alive when we kiss?”
I placed my forehead heavily on his chest. “You really want to hear this? My feelings and take on it?” My voice wavered. I drew in a long, slow, shaky breath before exhaling in a rush. “Noah, I am one hundred different kinds of mixed up—pissed off, frustrated, intrigued, confused, hurt, into you, over you, heated by you and repulsed by you.”
I felt my words take the wind out of his sails; his shoulders fell and his chest, where my forehead still rested, deflated.
Finally, I looked up. “To answer your question; no, it’s not like what Dane and I had. He and I had easy. We had incredibly hot, passionate, mind blowing sex together. Then it was over, and we haven’t talked for nearly eight weeks. He left, he’s back, and it seems we’re still friendly, but that‘s not the point. The point is that it was easy. It was exactly what it appeared to be; nothing less, nothing more. We liked one another, we liked sex with each other and that was it. When I felt drawn to him, it was purely physical, albeit strong and crazy; but it was a surface attraction. I didn’t even know there were different ways of being attracted to someone until I met you.”
I faltered, dragging in a labored breath of air as though it were my last, before speaking again. “My attraction to you is difficult, to say the least.” I shook my head, not wanting to go on.
Why do this before he leaves, before I leave for Turkey?
God why can’t this ever be EASY with you? Tired of trying to make sense where none could be found, I sat down on the back of the sofa that created a sitting area in the room.
“Difficult, how so?” His soft, comforting voice made me want to open up to him.
“I knew from the beginning, or shortly thereafter, that you loved someone or rather two someones. Every cell in my brain has warned me against you, giving me every reason, telling me every step of the way not to call you, see you, kiss you or be with you, and every logical reason begins with Vi and ends with Suri. But goddamn it, every fiber of my being, every weightless ounce of my soul is drawn to you, and I cannot fathom why, especially since I knew it was over between you and me right when it started.”
Noah strode deliberately to me, pulling me toward him. I found great comfort in his warmth and strength—but I obstinately pushed away.
“See? That’s exactly, EXACTLY what I am talking about. I genuinely despise that
you have me in here right now instead of out at the party, and I hate that you chose right now to do this instead of somewhere more private, but when you touch me or get within three feet of me, I succumb to you—Every. Fucking. Time. And, in case you can’t tell, this mixed bag of bullshit emotions and torn feelings is NOT easy. It’s not Dane. I’m not someone I want to be when I’m around you. I wonder how my spirit can yearn for someone so completely wrong for me.” I ran my hands over my face and kept them there, shaking my head. I just kept coming back to the thought… How could someone so wrong for me feel so right?
“Tessa? I don’t even know what to say.”
“Don’t say anything. Not five minutes ago I heard you say when you and Vi get back together, not if you get back together. So, just to make things clear—fuck what my soul is feeling toward you and has felt for you… since forever. Screw what you said under the stars about our attraction being some cosmic draw that is deeper than even we understand. I am trying to be as kind as I can, but still be clear when I say to you that we are O-VER. I have no room in my life for someone who has no room for me.”
Noah stepped away from me like I had burned him. He had scorched me this past week, and I was ready for some healing by means of, Dr. Jack and his nurse, Coke. I opened the door, but he caught it before I went through.
“Beautiful…”
I angrily cut him off, “DON’T… just, don’t call me that.”
He sighed deeply, “Tess, I’m sorry for… everything.” He shrugged lamely.
“Yeah, me too.” I looked up and gave Noah the most genuine smile I could muster. “Have a good trip. I really mean it when I say you deserve someone great.”
I didn’t stick around to see what he’d say, and I sure as hell didn’t want to get emotional, so before the room closed in on me, I stepped into the hallway, and right into Dane.
Can’t a girl get a damn break?!
“‘Ey, Tess. ‘Ey was looking for ‘ye. ‘Ey thought all of ‘ye left.” Thank God for small miracles, Dane handed me an ice cold Jack and Coke.