He pulled back and began walking, his arm around her shoulders. His gaze followed his sister as she put her hand on Paul’s shoulder.
Tilly looked at her husband with open adoration, though her posture was slightly stooped, as if the day held more pain than she could bear.
“Look after Tilly, please,” Holden asked her.
“Of course.” She glanced between Tilly and Holden, wondering if there was more that hadn’t been spoken. “Is there anything else happening?”
“If Tilly has something on her mind, she’ll tell you. If I’m not back by sundown, rest peacefully. I’m leaving Scott, Darren, and Syrus on guard. They’ll be out, even if you don’t see them.”
“Go with God.” Angelica watched him walk away, fear nearly buckling her knees. She prayed silently as she watched him speak briefly with the ranch hands. He disappeared into the barn, walking out with his Stetson pulled low, leading a horse with a rifle in the saddlebag. His gun belt rested on his hips, the worn leather reminding her that he was in his element, even if it scared her.
Tilly walked to her, linking arms, and watching the men ride off with a tilt of their hats, keeping silent until the men were out of sight. “I’m sorry, Angelica. I didn’t mean to put my needs before yours. I was just so worried about Paul. He won’t back down from anything.” Her shoulders hunched. “I thought life as a preacher’s wife would be more peaceful.”
“I’m sure it’s not peaceful if you’re doing it right.”
Tilly quickly looked at her as she seemed to consider her words. “I’ve never thought of it quite like that before, but I think you’re right.” She stared at the ground as they walked without speaking for a while.
Angelica remained quiet, not wanting to break into the woman’s need for silence.
When she was ready to speak, Tilly said, “I needed to hear that. My need to have things be safe and easy has been contradictory from the beginning.” Tilly glanced up, blue eyes that uncannily matched Holden’s watched her steadily.
“I thought if Paul followed his dream to be a preacher, he’d feel fulfilled and not want to take risks like this.” She closed her eyes. “I guess I see it more clearly now.”
Angelica waited for her sister-in-law to open her eyes before giving her arm a gentle squeeze. “I have some lemon biscuits in the house. Come, let’s make coffee and have some while we wait for our men to return.”
“How about this fellow?” Tilly reached down, plucking Cam from the ground in a wiggling, licking ball of fur. She held him close, grinning. “Do you think he’d like to explore the ranch house?”
“I do.”
“I’m going to the outhouse, and I’ll be right in.” Tilly handed Cam over, a worried look on her face.
“Is everything alright?”
Eyes averted, she nodded and walked away. Angelica watched her, shoulders stooped and quivering. Fear drove deep into her heart as she went into the house.
She was still cranking the coffee mill when the door opened. Tilly’s eyes were bloodshot and the delicate skin beneath her eyes was red and splotchy. Abandoning the coffee, Angelica reached for her hands.
“I’m so sorry, Tilly. I know you’re worried for our men. Would you feel better if we pray?”
She shook her head, pulling her hands back to swipe at her eyes. “I am worried, but that’s not why I’m crying.” She turned to face the window with her arms crossed in front of her in a hug, her tanned hands gripping the gray fabric. “It’s my moon time, and I’m all prayed out.”
Angelica wanted to go to her, to comfort her somehow, but didn’t know how to make things better for the woman so clearly in agony.
She finished grinding the coffee instead, setting the percolator on the stove. When she pulled down plates for the biscuits, Tilly turned at the sound.
Tilly’s eyes were dry but still haunted by a tortured look. “Can I help?”
“No, friend. Sit, please. Allow me to take care of you.” Angelica filled Tilly’s plate with the sweet biscuits, reminding herself to make more for Holden later. “Here you are. I’m sorry today has been hard on you. I’m here if you want to talk.”
“Thank you.” She offered a weak smile. “But it’s a hard thing for me to talk about. I feel like a failure each month I am unable to conceive.”
Angelica covered Tilly’s hand with her own. “I’m so sorry, friend.”
Tilly pulled her hand back, taking a bite of lemon biscuit. She closed her eyes as she tasted it, smiling. “No wonder you and Holden haven’t been to town.”
Angelica’s cheeks bloomed. “I’m sorry. I’ve been getting used to the ranch and being married.”
Tilly laughed. “It took me a little while, too.” Growing serious, she said, “Did you make this for the men today?”
“I did, along with chicken and dumplings.”
“What?” Tilly’s eyes opened wide. “There were easily twenty men milling around out there when we arrived. How did you manage to cook a meal like that out there on that stove and clean up so efficiently?”
“I’ve had some practice cooking for a crowd, and I made the men clean up if they wanted to eat.”
Laughing, Tilly’s face brightened. “I’m glad. You have some spitfire to you, and it will serve you well.”
“Thank you, Tilly.”
“Tell me more about how you learned to cook for such a big crowd. It’s not an easy thing to do, cooking enough for an army.”
Hesitantly, Angelica said, “My parents had a church. I used to do cooking duty regularly.”
Tilly studied her, growing serious again. “Most churches don’t have regular cooking duty. Did you live in a community together?”
“We did.”
“Like a commune?” Tilly asked.
“Yes.”
“I’ve only heard of them, never having been to one myself, but it seems like an ideal situation. I can’t help but think that Paul wouldn’t be off to settle a dangerous dispute among neighbors if we lived like that.”
Angelica’s arms prickled with goosebumps. “It was great, in the beginning.”
“Tell me more. What went wrong?”
Drawing in a deep breath, Angelica thought of the carefully planned project that began with her parents opening up their land to people in need, never expecting what would come to their daughter after they died.
“My parents were kind, always giving more of themselves than they took. One day, they found a family in need of a place to stay and an idea was born.” She took in a shuddering breath, remembering the Anderson family with the same fear that followed her across the country. Tilly watched her with compassionate eyes, giving her the strength to keep talking.
“One family was followed by another, and before we knew it, there were tents pitched all over our land and winter was coming. My parents believed in equality between men and women, and they put the future of the group to a vote. In the end, the people chose small, uniform housing that was much like the bunkhouses here on the ranch.” Angelica felt haunted by memories, the bad outlasting the good.
“What torments you so?”
Jamieson-eyes peered at her, filled with compassion that Angelica hoped would come from Holden when she spoke with him.
“It was great, at first. The men and women shared duties, teaching the young women how to be independent and self-sufficient, same as the men. It was my father’s vision from the beginning, sharing training and skills so each could thrive in diverse situations.
“After a time, some people in the group began to contribute less, expecting to be provided for, despite not working equally. People began to fracture off into two groups, one wanting to continue as we had been, and one wanting hierarchy and control.”
“How did your parents handle it?” Faint worry lines tightened around Tilly’s eyes.
“They wanted to leave.” Angelica looked up. “I don’t know it for sure, but I think that’s what they decided. They wanted to get me away from what the group had become, leavi
ng the commune behind to be led by Web Anderson.”
“Web?”
“I’m not sure how he came to be called that, or if it was short for something, but he was my father’s right-hand man. The Andersons were the first family to show up in need, and they were very loyal, or so I thought.” The familiar shaking began deep inside, threatening her composure.
Tilly reached for her hand, holding tight. “What made you question his loyalty?”
“My parents went off for a ride one day. They rarely went alone, but this day they insisted I stay behind. I don’t know what they intended to do or where they were headed, but they had a carriage accident and neither of them lived to tell me.” Tears welled, the pain in her core making it hard to breathe.
“I’m so sorry, sister.”
Angelica’s face crumpled. It had been so long since she felt like a part of a real family. The warmth of belonging tore down some of the barriers she had placed around her heart. Tilly came around the table, hugging her tight.
When the tears had slowed down, she wiped her face and sniffled. “I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t be. Here, we forgot the coffee.” Tilly poured them each a mug and sat across from her. “How old were you?”
“I was about to turn sixteen when they passed. We buried them, and then the bickering over control of the commune began that night.”
“That’s terrible. Did you have family nearby?”
Angelica shook her head. “The church was my family. I trusted them. I needed them.”
Quietly, Tilly asked, “What happened?”
“Web decided to make peace in a way that my parents would never have considered.” She took a moment to compose herself, thankful Tilly waited patiently. “Web began to make sweeping changes to regain control.”
“Was Web in favor of the hierarchy?”
“I didn’t know it at the time, since he had been so carefully following my father’s teachings from the beginning, but yes. He was the driving force between the divide.”
“He thought to use control to create peace, rather than going through God’s teaching?”
“Yes, but he was able to manipulate the scripture to support his goals. He wanted women to be in their place, obedient tools to shape the future with.”
“What do you mean by that?” Tilly patiently watched her.
Angelica’s throat felt tight again. “Web decided he would marry me to his son, Jasper. He called the engagement a new beginning that would strengthen both factions.”
“You were engaged before Holden?” Tilly stared at her.
“I was practically a child.”
“Angelica, listen to me.” Tilly crossed her hands in front of her on the table, her expression grim. “You can’t tell Holden you were engaged before him.”
“Why not?” Fear swirled through Angelica’s belly.
“He’s a man of his word. He values loyalty and won’t be pleased to know you broke an engagement.”
“But he’s also a man of reason.” She felt it, as surely as she knew he was beginning to care for her. She couldn’t believe he’d turn his heart from her if he knew her past.
“Angelica, did Holden tell you about our father?”
She shook her head. “No.”
“He left our mother for another woman when we were mere children.” Tilly paused, as if waiting for Angelica to digest what she’d been told. “Father made a commitment to our mother and then broke it. Overcoming that betrayal shaped Holden into the man that he is, and he’s fiercely loyal.”
“And I deserve loyalty. I’ve done nothing wrong.” Angelica bit her tongue. She refused to feel guilt for escaping from Web.
Tilly leaned forward. “I know you haven’t. I just don’t know if Holden will see it that way.”
Angelica resisted the urge to deny what Tilly had said, searching her face for a reaction instead. The woman stared back at her with compassion and kindness. “I don’t want to keep secrets from him.”
Cam yipped, bumping into her legs. Angelica picked him up and stood, walking over to the window. “It’s growing dark. I should start cooking our evening meal.” Thankful for a distraction, Angelica began to pull supplies out of the cabinet.
“It’s not a good sign that they aren’t home by now.” Tilly began to pace. “I don’t know if I am strong enough to do this.” She put her hands on the table, hunching forward.
“Here, sit and keep Cam out of the way of the wood stove while I make food.” She handed the puppy over and said, “Tell me more about when Holden was a boy. What was he like?”
Tilly stroked Cam’s fur, cradling him like a baby. She stared blindly for a moment, rocking forward and back as she spoke. “He was kind. Always kind. He wasn’t happy when Paul began courting me, but he overcame it.”
Angelica washed her hands, preparing to chop onions. “How did you meet Paul?”
She smiled. “Well, Paul became kind of a fixture in our home long before I fell in love with him.” She shifted to face Angelica. “You see, his father hired Holden to work on his fishing boats after our father left.”
Wiping a reactive tear, Angelica returned to chopping. “He supported your family?”
“He did. He doesn’t know I’m aware of it, but he still sends Ma money to live on. She’s back in Boston, living with her sister now.”
Thinking of her husband secretly taking care of his mother made her smile. “Holden began working with Paul’s father and that’s how they met each other?”
“Yes. Despite Holden’s annoyance over our age difference, I fell in love with Paul. His mother never quite approved of me, since I was the poor younger sister of a fisherman, but he didn’t see that. He saw me for me, and I’ll love him my whole life through.” Tears began welling again.
“What’s wrong, Tilly?”
“I just can’t help think that if I can’t give him children, am I doing what’s right by him or am I holding him back?”
“It sounds like you knew Paul long before he was injured in the war.”
She blinked. “I did.”
“And do you feel like he’s holding you back?”
She shook her head emphatically. “Of course not. I love him just the way he is.” She smiled. “I’m a mess.”
“I know what you’re going through is difficult right now, Tilly.” Angelica wiped her hands on a towel and sat down across from her. “My Pa used to have a saying I really loved.” Her memory of her father warmed her, and when she closed her eyes, she could still hear his voice as she said, “David didn’t pray to ask God to make Goliath smaller, did he?”
Tilly chuckled. “Your Pa sounds like a really interesting man.”
“He was.” She returned to the stove, sautéing the onions before adding carrots and cooking chicken she had canned. She wanted to check the flavor and consistency, having never canned chicken before but she and Holden had been working diligently on their winter preparations, at her insistence. She measured flour, mixing biscuits and rolling them out.
“Whatever you’re making smells delicious.” Tilly turned to watch. “You’re putting the biscuits straight on top of the food in the cast iron skillet?”
“Yes. I find it works out quite nicely and is easier.”
The sound of hoofbeats coming quickly down the path pulled their attention away from the food, drawing them to the window. Peeking out, Angelica saw two dark figures riding hard as another one broke from the tree line to meet them. They dismounted and talked for a moment before the third rider led the horses to the barn.
“Paul and Holden are here, and that’s one of the guards Holden set before they left, but I’m not sure who.” Tilly carefully set Cam on the ground and said, “I can tell by the slump of Paul’s shoulders that things didn’t go well.”
The front door opened, and Paul strode in alone. “Tilly. Angelica.” He nodded toward the women before pouring a glass of water from the pitcher. He drank it quickly, then poured another.
“Where’s Holden
?” Tilly’s brows furrowed. “What happened?”
Paul wiped his eyes with the back of his arm, leaving a dirty streak. “It didn’t go well. He’s outside.”
Chapter Twelve
Angelica didn’t wait for Tilly’s next question. She fled out the door, leaving her shawl behind. Searching for Holden, she found him at the well, his head down.
She slowed as she approached, not wanting to startle him. “Holden,” she whispered. “What’s wrong?”
He pinched the bridge of his nose as he turned, his expression grim in the moonlight. “We were too late.”
“What do you mean?” She edged closer to him, wanting to put her arms around him but sensed he needed his space.
“The whole Nunez family, including the children….” He turned away, his voice breaking as he continued on in the dark. “We buried them. It never gets any easier.”
Her body began to shake with the reality of what he’d said. Her breath came more rapidly as she went to him, wrapping her arms around him and leaning her head against his back. His heart beat strong and wild beneath her, his hands gently clasping her arms. She held onto him, feeling him start to pull away as she gripped him tighter.
She couldn’t undo what had been done, and she was scared, but she wasn’t going to let him go through it alone.
He turned, putting his palm on her cheek. She closed her eyes and leaned into it, wanting him to feel her love.
“Holden, I need to tell you something.”
“What is it?” His voice was gruff.
“I love you.” The words had been rolling through her mind for weeks, and had all but slipped out many times over, but she had been scared to say them. Having spoken of her feelings, she felt lighter.
He stiffened, pulling back. “I shouldn’t have brought you here.” He turned and walked away.
Holden felt Angelica’s anguish long after he reached the barn. Syrus had made quick work of rubbing down and feeding the horses, so he was alone with the animals and his thoughts. Lil was facing the stall door when he went to her, as if she’d been expecting him. He stood nearby, tormented by the day’s events.
Mail-Order Mismatch: Brides of Burlington County, Book Two Page 7