“Thanks.”
“I got kids.” He gave it up like it was common knowledge and stretched one arm along the bench behind me. “They live with their mama in Cleveland. I don’t get to see them much anymore.”
“Oh.” I couldn’t think of anything else to say to that.
“A boy and a girl. Hazel and Louis, both teenagers. Folks say they look like me but I’m not sure I see it. Besides being lanky as all get-out, I mean. They definitely got that from me! They...um...well they’re good kids. Smart. Good to people. What else can you ask for? Right?”
“I guess.”
Heziah tugged lightly at the ends of my hair. It tickled a bit so I was squirming around trying to get out of it. That was real funny to him. “Why you always wiggling around like a worm on a hook? If you want me to stop, just say ‘Heziah stop that.’ And I’ll stop. See.” He showed me both his hands so I would know it wasn’t a trick. “Speak up, Belinda. How are people gonna know you’re there if you don’t speak up.”
“MAMA, WATCH ME!”
A giggling Jackie ran up the steps and flew down the slide. She made it to the bottom then surprise flooded her face when nobody was there to congratulate her. She ran to the edge, to the border of all the woodchips, and just looked at us. My baby that saw everything looked at me talking to this man and a chill ran down my arms.
“MAMA!”
“I see you! Go on back and play now!”
He just sorta chuckled at me and smiled at her. A real friendly sorta man, this Heziah was. Jackie waved and he waved back—proof that all this was a bad idea.
“What you want with me? I ain’t some, some...I ain’t one of them girls that’s gonna...”
“Whoa. Belinda, did I do something wrong?”
“Just say it. What you want me for? Say it.”
Heziah’s forehead wrinkled up and I saw a flash of hardness settle in his eyes. I started to relax. I knew hardness. Hardness I could handle. But then I blinked and it all went away. He was looking at me like I was some dirty puppy trying my best to get up out of an old cardboard box. I wasn’t. I was a grown woman and I ain’t need nobody’s pity. “Stop looking at me like that.”
“Belinda—”
“Stop.”
“Alright. You want the truth? Yeah, I’m attracted to you. And I had a good time dancing and talking with you. Doesn’t mean I have any designs on you or anything. We can be friends...if you want.”
“Friends?”
“That so hard to believe?”
“Uhh...yeah.” I shook my head up and down, suddenly more gutsy than I’d ever been with any man. “You wanna be friends with me? Don’t no man wanna be friends with a woman. What for?”
“If you don’t believe that then why did you come?”
“This was your idea.”
“But you came. I didn’t make you come here, Belinda.”
A gust of wind blew across the playground, taking his words up against me. Blowing through my hair and all over my stockings. His words started to sound like the truth. Jackie’d run off to play with some of the other kids but I wished she hadn’t. Wished she’d stayed put to keep an eye on her mama. Make sure I ain’t do something stupid.
“Belinda?”
“Guess I was looking for something.”
LANKY WAS THE PERFECT word for Heziah. And those rock hard eyes had me but I ain’t know it then. I just saw this man that wasn’t nothing like what I was used to and he proved me right every time I saw him—once, sometimes twice a week, for about two years. He introduced me and my girls to art and animals and books and all sorts of stuff. The girls must have thought something but they never let on. Never was nothing but nice to him. And he’d buy them ice creams and treat them real good. Make them cry from laughing so hard. He had a way of teaching without making you feel dumb. He would always talk in riddles or what he called metaphors and stuff. That’s where I learned it. His voice’d go up like it was soaring above a mountain or something then glide back down. I asked him where he got all that from. He said books. From then on he always had some old dusty book with him to prove it to us. Some had poems in them, others were just stories. He made reading fun, something none of my teachers had ever been able to do. I’d pack us some sandwiches or something that would keep and we’d meet Heziah under this great big old tree in the park near his apartment and flip one musty page after another. It got so that the girls would beg him to read something to them almost every time they saw him. Then we’d part ways and me and the girls would head back home. We never spoke of those afternoons with Heziah. It was a secret. We all knew. Knew that Heziah was what was missing from our lives.
I was tucking the girls in one night when they wanted me to read one of the books Heziah had given them. So we were all crowded in Nikki and Mya’s beds. The younger ones shared the room across the hall. I was nodding off like I usually did when I was reading.
“Mama wake up!”
“What? I’m woke. I’m woke. Where was I?” It’d been a long day, so I began the awful task of getting them to agree to go to sleep. “Ain’t y’all tired yet?”
“No.”
But I thought I heard a few yawns. “We’ll pick it up again tomorrow night.” The book thudded shut and my toes went searching for my slippers. Natalie had already drifted off but the others were determined to win whatever hushed debate they were having. The three of them whispered back and forth then threw a few looks my way. “I’m tired. Come on, Jackie. Say goodnight.” I swayed side to side to be sure to keep Nat asleep. “Come on now.” She was big enough that the only time I needed to carry her was when she was asleep.
“Mama...” Jackie hopped down from the twin-sized bed and took a few steps to meet me at the door.
I should’ve known from the look on her face that whatever it was that was perplexing her was bad. I should’ve just told her to go to bed and not ask me no questions but I didn’t. I said, “What?”
“Can Heziah be our daddy too?”
I couldn’t believe it. Couldn’t think, couldn’t speak. I just stared at my chile. The older ones knew better and I knew they must have put Jackie up to it. She was just a baby. A seven-year-old baby, but still a baby. She ain’t know what she was saying.
“Um...”
“You like him, don’t you, Mama?”
Nikki and Mya looked at each other then back at me. “Go to bed. All...All of y’all gone get it in the morning! Now get!”
I ain’t mean it but I suspect they all knew that. I hadn’t seen it coming at all. Was just happy for the happiness they were having with Heziah. I ain’t think it might lead to our lives changing beyond those Saturdays. The girls slipped into each of their beds real easy and I kissed them goodnight and put it all out my head.
Wasn’t any point to even thinking Heziah’s name when Ricky was around. He was like a vacuum that sucked up all things good. A snoring grumbling vacuum. Usually, he’d drift off right after supper but lately he was waiting a spell. Waiting for me to get into bed with him. Waiting...naked because he was determined to get a son outta me. Wasn’t like we talked about it.
I just knew. I’d watched it build up inside of him ever since Jackie was born. He was about ready to bust. Heaving and growling up in my ear, saying all sorts a things but mostly that I was gone give him a boy. A boy that was just like him. It wasn’t gone happen but I let him think it was possible. I had my pills tucked away in my secret place and every month got a whole new set. Wasn’t no need for Ricky to know. Was easier that way. He climbed on to do his thing and when he was done I’d get to sleep, least that was how it usually went.
“Pecan...” Ricky’s sweaty body whispered in my ear. He’d finished about five minutes ago but he was still on top of me.
“Yeah—Ricky, I can’t breathe.”
“How come you ain’t telling me you love me?”
“Ricky...” He was everywhere. Couldn’t roll nowhere, couldn’t sit up without his say so. I was gasping for air but he was blocking it
all. “I can’t breathe!” Then as if by magic, I had all the air I could take. And I took it all like a fat greedy little chile.
Ricky was standing over me. His bulging arms crossed over his hard chest and his thing hanging right in front of my face. “You acting different.”
“No, I ain’t.”
“Yes you is. Now I don’t know what it is and I let it go on for long enough but now I want it to stop. You hear me?” I nodded and waited for him to walk around to his side of the bed. But he just stood there, looking down at me. “You love me, Pecan?”
He was watching me so hard I wanted to crawl up in the covers and hide but wasn’t no time. Wasn’t a question that I was supposed to even think about. Was just supposed to answer, so I did. “I’m your wife. Course I do.”
“Yeah?”
I nodded again and brought the sheets up to cover my chest. “You coming back to bed?”
Ricky knelt on the floor and raised one hand to brush my hair up off my face. Don’t know what made him do it. Wasn’t really Ricky’s style. His idea of affection was sweating on top of me. But then I got a clue.
“You still my girl. My sweet little good girl. Ain’t you? Hmm?”
“Yeah.”
He tugged at the sheet, damn near ripping it off the bed. And his eyes got real big, watching me shivering in the night air. “I love you, girl. You know that?”
“Yeah—Ricky, I’m cold.”
“I love you more than I love anybody. You know that, don’t you?” Then he went about tucking me in like I was a chile. Pushed the edge of the sheet in under the mattress, pushed it so far in I was wrapped up in a cocoon. “You hear me, Pecan? You mine. Always been mine, always gonna be mine.” He got in on the other side of me, giving me that hard look and pulling me back against him. “You know what I’d do if you ever left me?” He whispered in my ear.
“I ain’t gonna...why you s-s-saying that?”
“Just feel like it gotta be said. Since you acting all different—”
“But I ain’t. I ain’t acting different.”
His breath got real hot on me, smelling like leftovers as he went about exploring my body. When he wanted to, Ricky could have my body swooning to his drum. He wasn’t clueless, when he ain’t wanna be that is. It started off just as a little pat, then he started stroking it. He closed in on my womanness and gave it a real good squeeze. A chill ran through me and I was dying to blame it on the night.
“You like that, don’t you? Hmm? I know what my girl like. Don’t I?”
“Yeah.”
“Yeah. That why you love me ain’t it, Pecan? You ain’t never gonna love nobody else. Just me. Only me.”
Soon as he said it I knew it wasn’t true. None of it was. Love a tricky thing. It don’t just show up where you want it to and you can’t keep it away neither. Love go where it want. It don’t need nobody’s permission, least of all mine.
Code of Honor
"I’VE NEVER BEEN HERE before.” Heziah looked around the room like he was searching for tiny enemies. “Didn’t even know this motel was over here. Did you?”
Course I did. It was my idea. I’d seen it on the few trips I’d taken to Helen’s house. But I ain’t say that to Heziah. He kept on wringing his hat like it was soaked with water, he was so nervous. Like he ain’t never been with a woman before. I was the one should’ve been nervous.
“How are the girls? You said something before about them being sick...?”
“They’re okay.”
I had the key even though Heziah’d paid for the room. The wiry little guy in the office gave it to me because Heziah just stood there, staring at the receipt. So it was up to me. Take the key...find the room...unlock the door. Because Heziah was in another world.
“Is it a stomach flu? Or a fever? I heard that strep throat is going around. It’s not that, is it?”
“It’s just a cold. They fine.”
“You know forty years ago they were worried about all sorts of sicknesses. Scarlet fever...polio...leprosy—did you know that was a real disease? It wasn’t just made up for the Bible’s sake.”
The motel room smelt of rotten green tomatoes and bleach. The walls were covered in wallpaper that’d probably lived more life than I had. If I had asked the walls would’ve probably told me what to do to get Heziah to relax. They’d have known. Tell me to say something sexy. I was never no good at that sorta thing. Never had to be…
“Belinda?”
“Hmm?”
“You did take them to the doctor, didn’t you? What if something happens? Maybe you should be with them.”
“They not sick, Heziah. I just kinda said that so...um...so we could be alone.”
“Oh.”
“I lied.”
“Yeah. I get that.”
“I know. I just wanted to say it so...so it was said. I’m sorry.”
All the jittery little coffee beans that was dancing under his skin must have got up and left at the same time. A mellow wave washed over Heziah and he sat on the edge of the bed. Disappointment written all over him. Disappointment in me.
“I ain’t never lied to you before—it’s just I ain’t know how to...um...well I ain’t never had to ask no man to...um...”
“Where do they think you are?”
“At my girlfriend’s house. It be okay as long as I get back before Ricky. He don’t take too kindly to changes in the schedule. He like to know exactly where I am.”
“Belinda...”
“But he not gone care!”
“I find it hard to believe your husband won’t care that you’re alone with me in a motel room.”
“I meant about my girlfriend. About me going to her house.” I sat down next to him only because my legs were getting tired but soon as I did, Heziah looked up like he was being tested by what I was doing. “It’s okay if I sit here with you?”
“We’re friends, right? Belinda? We’re friends?”
“Yeah.”
“Then why are we here?”
“What you mean?”
“We’ve never discussed this. I didn’t even know you thought about it. Have you been thinking about it?”
“You mean you ain’t?”
“I didn’t say that. I just don’t want to come between you and your husband. Divorce isn’t something to play around with.” He sighed, looking to the ceiling for forgiveness. “It hurts everybody involved and I don’t want that for you. Or the girls. I just don’t want y’all to go through what my family did.”
“Ricky and me ain’t getting divorced.”
“If he found out about this—”
“If he found out about this he’d just kill me and get it over with.” It came out before I knew what to do with it but Heziah ain’t give my words much thought. He just sorta nodded, rubbing his hands up and down the tops of his thighs. The coffee beans were coming back so I figured it was now or never. So, I kissed him. Until the sound of our lips puckering filled up the room.
“This ain’t you.”
“What you mean?” At first I thought he meant the kissing part. We’d kissed before—quick with more lip than anything and both of us pretending it was an accident, like we’d just missed each other’s cheeks. I had never thought I would’ve just leaned over like I did. And I was starting to feel real raw about it, like I was on Candid Camera or something. “You don’t wanna kiss me?”
“Belinda—”
“You don’t want me at all.”
“I didn’t say that. You’re putting words in my mouth.”
“That’s because you ain’t saying nothing! You talking about what’s right and folks getting hurt but you ain’t saying nothing! You can’t just take a girl up to a room a-a-and not want her nowhere near you!”
“You don’t want to do this. A fling...it ain’t...it ain’t you. You’re a good mother, a good person. You don’t want to do this. Belinda? Say something.”
“I ain’t...”
“You ain’t what?”
The y
ellow and green striped wallpaper curled up around me, laying me down on the bed. Wasn’t the freshest bed I’d ever smelt—its tartness brought tears to my eyes. “You think I’m bigger than I am. I ain’t nobody. Just a girl that married the first guy who asked her.” Feeling Heziah’s breath on my neck, I almost thought he was gone curl up behind me. Maybe even put his arms around me and hold me close. But he didn’t. He just laid there. Close enough that I could hear him breathing but not close enough that he was touching me.
“You are most definitely not nobody. And I can’t have you talking like that in front of me.”
How he could say that and not wanna be with me I ain’t get. Even when I turned around to look in his eyes, I ain’t get it. I ain’t claiming to be no expert on a man’s love but I thought he had some of it for me. Then one by one he whisked each tear away from my cheeks. Telling them they ain’t have no business in my life.
“Heziah, my life...it ain’t what you think it is.”
“What do I think it is?”
“Something good. Happy.”
“You seem happy every time I see you.”
“That’s because I am. You make me happy. Ricky...he...he make me wanna die sometimes. Sometimes I wake up and I just think this is it, I can’t take no more.”
“Now wait a minute—”
“I ain’t gonna kill myself or nothing. It’s just what I think sometimes. I ain’t gonna do nothing crazy! Don’t worry.” But even when I poked him in the arm he still looked at me the same way. Worried. “I got four kids! I ain’t going nowhere. I promise.”
“Why would you even think that?”
I shrugged, wishing I could take it back. I’d wanted to tell folks before but wasn’t no reason to tell Heziah. He couldn’t do nothing but make it worse. I knew that long time ago. That’s why I got so good at hiding the bruises. I’d even cancel things with him if it was so bad I couldn’t hide the marks Ricky’s love left behind. I was a hiding fool.
“Belinda, there’s something you’re not telling me.”
“It’s nothing.”
“You’re lying to me again.”
How to Knock a Bravebird from Her Perch : The First Novel in the Morrow Girls Series (9780985751616) Page 7