“I’m not ready for all that.”
She nodded and made a little note. Everything I said ended up on her papers I was sure but I did feel a little better after I said it. Not right away after but a few days later...maybe a week. She said we were making real progress and that’s why she wanted to keep me longer. That I could finally be free of all the stuff I’d been carrying around. Said I could stay and work on myself or I could go back. So, it was my choice. I chose to stay. Stayed where I ain’t have to worry about Ricky sneaking up on me. There were bars and gates and doors he ain’t have the key to. And there was sleep. I got to sleep. No more dreams about Ricky.
Me and the doctor talked about all sorts a things. About me and my daddy. About Aunt Clara, Ricky, and the girls. After a while, she liked my talk about the girls. Always made us smile and laugh. I thought maybe I should go back home to see about them but she shook her head, said they were fine and I should just focus on me. Wasn’t no other time in my life it seemed like I just focused on me. But the doctor said I had to, said it’d be good for me and the girls.
Then one day all the pills stopped. I got in line like everybody else waiting for my little cup but the nurse shook her head and waved me off to the side. Said the doctor wanted to talk to me about it. I was in trouble. Ain’t know what I did to be in trouble. I talked when she wanted me to. Swallowed what the white women gave me. I ain’t cause no problems with the other patients. Most of the time I just kept to myself. So, just sitting there on her little couch, waiting for her to tell me what I’d done, it got me all rattled.
“Well. Belinda. How are you feeling?”
“They won’t give me my pills.”
She nodded and pulled a chair around so we were nearer to each other. “I asked them not to. We did some tests on you. Do you know what we found?”
“That I’m crazy?”
“No. No. That you’re pregnant. Did you know that?”
“No.”
“Would you like to have this baby?”
I ain’t have one solid answer to that question. I hated Ricky, hated every part of him so I had to hate the baby. But I couldn’t keep on hating me. That was the thing the doctor wanted me to see. That I had to love me before anybody else could. And it was my baby. Just like my girls were mine.
“How do you feel about going home, now?”
“So, I can see my girls?”
“So...so that you can resume your life, yes. I’m going to ask that you come to see me once a week. Do you think you could manage that?”
“Yeah, I can do it.”
“Good. And after you have the baby we’ll talk about anti-depressants. Now.” Her chest got all pumped up, arms stretched out in front of her so her hands rested against her knees. She ain’t wear regular stockings like most women I knew. She had the kind that looked like they’d stand up to damn near anything. The kind that ain’t never rip or run. “I need to discuss something serious with you. Belinda? Are you listening?”
“About the...the baby? I’ll have it, Doc. It ain’t its fault.”
“I’m glad to hear you so confident.” She nodded and gave me a little fake smile. “But that isn’t what I want to talk to you about. I want you to know that...we, as adults—as parents, we all do the best we can. And the work we’ve done here was necessary for you and for your kids—your girls.”
“Right. So, I can be a good mama.”
“Exactly. Exactly. Now, since you’ve been here with us the girls had to go somewhere...”
“They probably staying with my neighbor. Anise. Or my friend Helen or maybe Paula.”
“Yes, well. Things didn’t exactly go that way. The court decided not to give custody—temporary or otherwise—to your husband, so DCFS was asked to come in—”
“But my friends—”
“They’re not family. Are they?”
Why was she saying that? Looking at me like that? Like I should’ve known...I ain’t know. I ain’t know how folks could send me off and then do something with my kids without even telling me.
“Belinda. It’s very important that you stay calm now. Do you hear me? Stay calm.”
“Where are they? My girls. Where are they?”
“They were placed in temporary homes.”
“Who homes? I...don’t get it.”
“When you were admitted you didn’t list anyone as an emergency contact. No family. Right?”
“I don’t know...just say it, say what you saying!”
“The girls were put into foster homes. Two. Two foster homes. The state had to be sure that they were safe and I asked them not to notify you. I thought that it would be detrimental to your progress if you knew about this before you were ready.”
“Y’all put my babies with strangers?”
“Belinda—”
“I wanna go. I wanna go home now!”
She nodded again, this time to make sure I knew I was heard but it ain’t matter. The walls were closing in around me and next thing I knew I was on the floor and she was poking and prodding me and yelling for somebody. They called it a lapse because I went back to not talking. Then I was talking too much, she said. That I wasn’t making sense. Made perfect sense to me. They’d stolen my babies. And I’d left them alone in the world. Was both. Ain’t have to be one or the other, it was both.
Was another month before they thought I was ready to go home. They gave me back my clothes but wasn’t much I could do with my hair seeing as they wouldn’t let me have a hot comb. The doctor made sure I had the number to call and told me to use all the stuff we’d been practicing if I found myself getting worked up. To just breathe and count to ten. That I had to protect myself. Stand up for myself. And ask for help from folks that really cared about me.
Was about two in the afternoon when I got back to my house and folks were out tending to they lawns. A few of them looked up to see me but it ain’t bother me none. The letter was tacked to my front door. Rustling in the Chicago winds. The official government seal and three lines of typed words. Said DCFS had taken my girls. I was prepared for it. I knew it beforehand. I did. Guess that’s why I ain’t expect my whole life to cave in at that moment. But it did.
Ain’t matter about all the work I’d done making myself better. My phone wasn’t working. Light switches just flipped up and down without even the slightest effect. Everything was where I left it but there was this stillness in my house. No fun and games, just toys abandoned on the floor. Nobody’d been there in two months. Thanks to Ricky.
I thought about all the nights I’d slept right next to Ricky. Had him snoring up against me. I could’ve killed him. Would’ve been like putting a mad dog out its misery.
Wife
WASN’T SURE I COULD just come back after being gone for two months but I walked on in there because I needed the money. I wasn’t there for no other reason, just the money. Meant to tell him that too. I would have if he’d been in his office but he wasn’t. His secretary ran in after me, trying to stop me but it was too late, I’d already seen it. The boy. He had sandy blonde hair and eyes that changed color in the light, just like his daddy. His pale legs hung over the arms of the chair like it was just for him.
“Mr. Bryer got a meeting. He-He ain’t here,” she explained even though I could see that with my own eyes.
“I’ll wait.”
“You can wait out here.”
The boy was about the same age as my Nikki. Only she knew better than to sit on furniture like that. And she wouldn’t have been shooting little pieces of paper through a straw up at the ceiling like he was. Boy was surely bored out his mind. Should’ve had himself in school, I sat outside the office thinking. Thinking about what it must be like to be one of his boys. All the things they probably ain’t have to think about or worry about. Probably had tons of friends and a mama that was never stressed about a thing. That was why he could just lie across furniture, making a mess without a care in the world. Mr. Bryer must have been so proud. He showed up about ten minute
s later. His suit jacket making wind behind him as he flew down the hall past his secretaries. Stopped dead when he saw me.
“Belinda?”
“Yeah...” I hadn’t managed to get my nerves under control but I could stand alright. “I was hoping we could talk. About my job.”
He swallowed hard and heavy, looking over his shoulder at the whispering witches. They ain’t have to try too hard to hear every word but he wasn’t about to take me in his office. I could see it all over his face. The guilt. It had him all boxed in so he couldn’t do nothing. Felt a little sorry for the man right then.
“I wanna come back to work. I expect you and everybody done heard I was...I was in a hospital for a while but I’m back now.”
“I had to promote someone to take your place.”
“Okay. That’s fine. I’ll do anything. Not anything—I just mean...”
“I know what you mean. Wait here.”
So I did. Stood in the same spot, looking at the witches with their wandering eyes watch me while he went into his office. Wasn’t much of a conversation between the boy and his father and a few seconds later the boy breezed by me toward the vending machines with a fistful of money.
“Come in, Belinda. Have a seat.”
I’d heard those words a million times before so I knew what they meant. “I’ll stand.”
“Very well.” He sighed, walking around me to close the door.
“Leave it? I just...leave it, alright? I just wanna know about my job.” He closed the door anyway. “I need this job. I gotta make money so I can take care of my girls.”
“I can’t help you with that.” He ain’t even have the guts to look me in the eye. Just stood over his desk, shuffling things around. “I can give you some references.”
“What that pay?”
“What? No. I’m saying I can give you good recommendations if you want to apply for other jobs. I’ll tell them how much good you’ve done here. I just can’t take you back, Belinda. It’s not personal.”
“Why?”
“Why? Because.” He sighed. “You know why. I am sorry about what’s happened to you, I am. But it’s not my fault. I’d like for you to sign this agreement.” He pushed the single sheet of paper across his desk to the very edge. “It just says that you won’t be suing the company for any reason.”
“Why would I do that?”
“Just please sign it.”
“Then I can come back to work? I gotta have a job. They’re not gonna gimme my kids back if I don’t have a job.”
“No, now sign the damn paper.”
I’d never seen him like that. Never heard him take that tone with nobody. Guess I was special. He’d saved it all for me. Even the way his eyes looked at me had changed. Like I was some pesky little fly buzzing around his picnic. He just had to get rid of me. One of his secretaries hurried past the door and we could hear her fussing over the blonde boy with eyes like him. Asking the boy if he wanted anything to go with his potato chips. And I got mad. First time in a long time, I got real mad.
“No.”
“Belinda—”
“I SAID NO! I AIN’T SIGNIN’ NOTHIN’ ‘TIL YOU GET ME MY JOB BACK! And maybe not even then! Nope, not even then. Maybe your boy like to know what his daddy been up to. Maybe it’d do him some good to know...”
“You...” He got so mad he started shaking. Ain’t move from around his desk, just stood there—shaking and breathing. “Fine. I’ll see what I can do.”
“Yeah. You do that. I’ll be back tomorrow.”
Was a new kinda feeling having the sorta power to make a man do what I wanted. Walked out the office feeling it in every step. Imagined it was cloaked around me so everybody could see. Got all the way home and it was still there. I was going to get my life back. Felt real hopeful about it as I walked down my block. Wasn’t even expecting any trouble. Was too high on all my power. Ain’t see him until I was right up on my gate. He was sitting on the porch steps, just waiting. The universe sure had a weird way of working things out.
“I DON’T NEED NO help. I been carrying groceries all my life.” But that ain’t move him one inch outta my way. Determined. Stubborn ass of a man. I shouldn’t of let him in. Should of made him stand out on the porch like all the other folks come around to peek in on me. I was fine. Just fine. Was about to be better than fine as soon as I got my girls back. “I don’t need no help.”
The winds went howling up and down the street, sending tree branches crashing into the kitchen window. Rattled up against it like a rat trying to claw its way in. Hated rats. Seen enough of them in that horrible little place Ricky and me used to live in. Just thinking about them made my skin crawl all the way up to my ears.
“Belinda.”
What he want with me anyway? Wasn’t like he wasn’t clear from the get-go. He ain’t want no parts of me in no real way. It was fine for him to come around and get my hopes all up, though. Him and all his fancy talk about books and dreams and things. Probably said all the same stuff to women all over the city.
“Belinda.”
“What?” The top of the bag of flour ripped open and out popped a white cloud into the air. It was a brand new bag and I’d meant to put it away in the cabinet but since he was standing there watching me so hard I decided to make fried chicken with it instead. “Excuse me. I gotta get in the fridge.”
“How are you? Where are the girls?”
“Gone.”
“Gone where?” He asked, looking around like maybe they’d shrunk up and was hiding in between the floor tiles. “Belinda—”
“It ain’t none of your business. I don’t need you all up in it. It’s my business. Mine. They mine. Not yours.”
“I thought you might still be mad at me. About before...I’ve been thinking about the...about what to say to you.”
He looked the same. Thin. And smart and kind. I hated that he looked the same. Why did he had to look the same? I ain’t look the same. Not that I was some real sorta beautiful to start with but I sure was a long way from where I started. Back in the days when we were together.
“Belinda, I made a mistake. Before.”
“You can stay for dinner if you want.”
“What?”
“You can stay. I’m making enough. Only because I don’t know how to cook for just one person.”
“Okay.”
So, we sat down to the few leftovers I had in the freezer and some fried chicken. Six empty chairs all around us. And silence. Just chewing and swallowing and the wind blowing against the window. First time Heziah’d been inside my house and wasn’t nothing there but me.
“I’ve been thinking about you. And the girls. I wanted to call but...what happened, Belinda? Where are they?”
“You ain’t read the papers? Read how I’m a terrible mama? How I went crazy and them good upstanding folks took my babies?”
“No.” Heziah’s frown glared down nice and steady on me. “Where’s Ricky?”
“With his woman.”
“Why didn’t you call me?”
“And say what?”
My chicken wasn’t as good as it usually was but he ain’t know that. Just like he ain’t know how to answer my question. Just sat there, chewing one bite after another. What could he say? What was I supposed to say? Tell him how much I missed him and beg him to come back to me? Folks been leaving me my whole life. What made Heziah any different?
“Where are the girls...exactly?”
“Don’t know. Can’t get the trifling woman on the phone. She always too busy to be at her desk. Guess she got too many kids to steal away.”
“Belinda—”
“What?”
“I’m going to help you. Help you get them back.”
“You ain’t gotta...”
“I know that. But I want to. I...I’m sorry I wasn’t there. When you needed me. When they needed me. Wasn’t because I didn’t care about you. You know that, right?”
Why he couldn’t just sit there and eat qu
ietly? Most folks don’t necessarily gotta talk the whole time. They can just sit quiet and eat. Ricky used to sit quiet.
“Belinda? You told me you wanted to be with your husband. Remember that?”
“No.” Of course I did.
“Well, you did.” He looked down at his almost empty plate and pushed some things around. “Wasn’t exactly what I wanted to hear but I respected your wishes.”
“Mmhmm.”
“Seem like if you had wanted to be with me, you would’ve called...told me you changed your mind.”
“And we’d both be dead.”
“What’s that mean?”
I ain’t mean it in no fancy literary way. I meant it just like it sounded. Took Heziah a minute to wrap his head around it. Just because he ain’t know Ricky the way I did. He ain’t know Ricky’s mind or his fist. He barely knew enough to pick him out of a crowd full of people. Part of me wanted to keep it that way. Not for Ricky’s sake or nothing but for mine. I was afraid of what would happen to me if I let too many things out. I’d have to deal with what Heziah thought about it all, what he felt. His feelings on top of mine on top of my girls’ was too much. Couldn’t take all that and carry it around with me. So, I scooped up his plate and mine and headed back to the kitchen. He ain’t utter one word, just followed behind me. The rubber bottoms of his shoes squeaking along the lineolum tile.
“Belinda?”
“I’m tired.”
“Alright. Is that your way of asking me to go?”
“Mmhmm.”
My back was to him so I couldn’t see his face, just hear him breathing. In and out. And in and out. Until his hands were on my back, pressing gently like he was admiring it. Breathing in the fabric, brushing his nose against my hair. And I knew exactly what his face looked like. Ain’t even have to turn around to see it. See what he felt. My Heziah, honorable as all get-out, he wouldn’t let himself get too close. Was good for both of us. Lord only knows what would’ve happened. Crossed my mind, though. Crossed it for a good long while. Remembering what it felt like to be in his arms, have him loving all parts of me. Memories, that felt just too real. The dishes slipped from my hands into the sink and I hurried to turn the faucet on so he wouldn’t notice.
How to Knock a Bravebird from Her Perch : The First Novel in the Morrow Girls Series (9780985751616) Page 21