by J W Murison
‘What do you think Beaver?’ Howe asked.
‘It’s a complete cluster fuck.’
Komoru sighed with exasperation. ‘Why is it, whenever Charlie comes into the conversation, everyone begins swearing. Even the President swore.’
The men thought about what she had said for a few minutes then suddenly burst out laughing.
‘Steven!’ She admonished, but it made them laugh all the harder.
Chapter 5
The light tap on Charlie’s door brought him out of his reverie. He had been doing some research and taking notes when his mind had begun to wander.
‘Aye, come in.’
He was surprised to see Komoru standing there with Lewis at her back.
‘Oh! Hello, to what do I owe this unexpected pleasure? How you doing Lewis?’
‘Fine Charlie.’
Charlie’s eyes returned to Komoru.
‘Charlie, it has come to my notice, more than once lately, that your actions and more specifically your language has caused quite some embarrassment. Especially when we were in the palace.’
‘I see, embarrassment to whom specifically Komoru?’
‘To myself, Steven, some of the tutors.’
‘The only tutor we had in common Komoru was Janex, and he certainly wasn’t embarrassed by me. Steven has already talked to me about this, and I explained to him what it was all about. Didn’t he tell you?’
‘He mentioned something about a film, I thought it quite a weak excuse.’
‘Oh you did, did you? Well it wasn’t a bloody excuse Komoru. The Emperor is hooked on a film called Full Metal Jacket and is now a fan of an old marine drill Sergeant by the name of R. Lee Ermey, he has even watched all of his documentaries. He thinks all Human drill instructors talk like that, and now expects us to talk like that. I received that order from Janex myself. He filmed them to replay to the Emperor; who thinks it’s a hoot. Steven is cool with it all now, I know because we had one of our talks. What you really mean Komoru is that I am getting on those tiny tits of yours.’
Komoru’s face went dark, ‘How dare you!’
‘Pretty easily actually. So, do you have the guts to admit it?’
‘You have no respect.’
‘Respect is won or earned Komoru, not gifted. Why are you blushing so furiously, is it because I said you have tiny tits?’ Charlie provocatively looked at her chest. ‘I’m not lying am I? Or is it the just the word "tits.’
‘You are an animal.’
‘We all are. I can’t believe you get all bent out of shape at the mention of the word tits. You and Steven are in a real relationship aren’t you; you know, having sex, bumping uglies?’
‘How can you talk of such things? You are horrible!’
‘No, but I am an adult, hell I have had sex heaps of times. Want me to tell you a few stories? We could swap a few.’
Komoru snapped, ‘How dare you, you are a filthy animal! Don’t you ever step foot on my ship again.’
‘Not on your ship lady, so if you aren’t happy then piss off out of my room.’
She turned away and banged straight into Lewis. He gently turned her round and she stormed off down the corridor. He had a pained expression on his face as he turned back towards Charlie.
‘What the hell Charlie? You ain’t like this man, I know you like Miss Komoru.’
‘That I do Lewis. I bet that’s the first time you have seen her lose it as well.’
‘I ain’t taking that bet Charlie, you would win, ain’t never seen her that angry.’
Charlie patted the bed beside him, ‘Sit down here my friend and let me show you why.’
Lewis seemed a little hesitant, but he did, and the bed groaned in protest as he sat. Charlie ignored it.
A screen came on and images began to flit across it. ‘Did you know Lewis that 60 per cent of Goodwill Ambassadors don’t survive the first five years. Those that last that long have a better chance of reaching retirement, but are normally upgraded to a proper ambassadorial role.’
‘I ain’t heard that Charlie.’
‘Commodore Janex doesn’t think our two will last the year, let alone five. He gave me access to some files. You severely need to toughen that young lady up Lewis, or she is as good as dead.’
‘Charlie, we are going to be going round de known universe. Meeting civilised races man. People dat know us and want to get to know us. It ain’t that dangerous.’
Charlie glanced over. ‘This is a list of the planets that have been earmarked as a priority. Steven let me have it. Look at the third one on the list.’
‘I see it, Petoriie´, the Wopal.’
‘The planet Petoriie´ and a race called the Wopal. About seventy years ago, another race called the Vecery were doing exactly what we are, going round introducing themselves to other races. They were invited and attended what is referred to as the double moon ceremony. The double moon ceremony is a mating ceremony Lewis, where they all get naked and have sex under the double moons. They say children who are conceived under this moon are extremely lucky. It has been going on for tens of thousands of years.
‘The problem was, the Vecery hadn’t a clue what they were really attending. It also just so happens that they were as shy and private with their relationships as our Komoru. Of course, when their host stripped naked and began getting it on right in front of the Ambassador and his wife, they got the hell out of there as fast as they could. The only problem was, their host took grave offence. In fact, they considered it an insult big enough to go to war over. They took three planets off the Vecery before they sued for peace. To seal the peace, the Goodwill Ambassador and his wife had to attend the next double moon ceremony. Not only that, the Ambassador’s wife had to prostrate herself in front of the great council, and every one of them took her. They made the Ambassador watch, then he had to perform in front of the council with his own wife. By then obviously, she was in bits, and he couldn’t bring himself to do it. They killed him Lewis, but let the wife go. They accepted her plea that she hadn’t been in season, that’s why he couldn’t perform, but they still killed him. They did stop the war though.’
‘Animals,’ Lewis growled.
‘We all are Lewis. If the Ambassador and his wife had performed on the night, or even simply got naked. It would have been accepted. Their plea that she wasn’t in season would have been accepted. Their ritual nakedness would have honoured their host. There would have been no war, thousands of people would never have died, and the Ambassador’s people would never have lost three planets.’
‘Did the Vecery not go to war for their Ambassador?’
‘Oh hell no Lewis. It was his mistake in the first place. Goodwill Ambassadors are expendable. It is why they are out there in the first place, making first contact. Killing a Goodwill Ambassador out of hand, for no good reason, can have serious repercussions. Killing a Goodwill Ambassador because they have made a mistake, offered insult, is acceptable. They go to test the waters Lewis. They prepare large documents on the races, customs, things like that.’
‘Ain’t that stuff on their internet Charlie?’
‘Some of it, aye. Other races are very secretive. The thing is Lewis, the universal laws on killing a full blooded Ambassador are very strict. If an Ambassador falls foul of a planet’s laws or customs, the first place they look is in the documentation of the Goodwill Ambassador. If the Goodwill Ambassador missed something, guess who is held to account?’
‘Yeah I get it Charlie. So they can be punished years after they visited a planet.’
‘Aye.’
‘The Ambassador might just lie.’
‘Oh no, a copy goes to central universal archives. Off world investigators use that as a reference.’
‘Dis shit just got real fast, didn’t it Charlie’
‘You need to toughen that little lady up Lewis, and you need to do it fast. There are bets on in the palace, that they don’t last the first year. Some have even bet on them lasting a few weeks to a few months
. All Ambassadors are bound by the laws and customs of the races that they are visiting Lewis. If Komoru can’t take a light hazing from me before losing it and stomping off, how the hell is she going to react out there?’
The bed creaked as Lewis got up. ‘She could start a war man.’
‘Exactly. I have prepared a number of cases and files for you Lewis, just ask Babes.’
‘Shu thing man.’
Lewis raised a fist and Charlie bumped it.
Chapter 6
Komoru was in a terrible rage as she paced up and down in front of Steven. When Steven went to contact Charlie, Babes prevented him. Instead she had been playing back Charlie’s conversation with Lewis, through Lewis’s eyes. The conversation had ended before Komoru had finished her rant.
‘Are you going to deal with that man?’
‘I will, don’t worry. Right now I have something I want to discuss with you. It is very important. More important than Charlie.’
Komoru took a few deep breaths, ‘Okay Steven. What is it?’
‘Babes can you put up a screen please?’
‘Yes my heart.’
‘We have been asked to attend the double moon ceremony when we are on the planet Petoriie´. It will take place while we are there.
‘Is that the race called the Wopal?’
‘It is.’
‘That sounds lovely, what is it about?’
‘It honours their ancestors, it is a love ceremony.’
She clapped her hands, ‘How wonderful, let them know we accept.’
‘Okay, Babes, can you run pictures from the last ceremony so we know what to expect?’
‘Yes my heart.’
Komoru sat down beside him and snuggled into his side. The ceremony was indeed beautiful, breath-taking even. Komoru thought it was wonderful, right up to the point where they began taking off their clothes. The scene degenerated very quickly.
Komoru sent out a command and the pictures stopped. ‘We are not going to that.’
‘If we are there, if we accept the invitation, we are going to have to, not only that, we will have to perform.’
‘I will not!’
‘Babes, can you access the files on the Vecery Goodwill Ambassador and his wife.’ Steven looked deep into Komoru’s eyes, ‘If you don’t watch this in its entirety, we are handing back the ambassadorial robes and returning to Earth.’
‘You are serious?’
‘I love you too much to lose you Komoru, the Human race will simply have to find its way among the stars without us. I am sure there is enough in our solar system to keep us interested for our entire lifetime.’
‘I don’t understand.’
‘Watch this and you will.’
‘It was a series of news reports from the Wopal official news broadcasting service. It began with the walking out of the Vecery Ambassadors. There were reports on the war and then the subsequent suing for peace by the Vecery. Komoru cried as she watched the Ambassador’s wife being raped, then was violently sick as she watched the Ambassador being slaughtered, then dismembered.
When Steven tried to help, she pushed him away violently. A few seconds later she vanished. She didn’t talk to him again until they were a few days away from Earth.
Chapter 7
Charlie looked up from his coffee to find Komoru standing there.
‘Good morning.’
Komoru bowed low. ‘Good morning Charlie.’
‘To what do I owe this unexpected pleasure?’
‘I wanted to apologise for my behaviour towards you.’
‘In that case I will also apologise for the way I treated you.’ Charlie stood up and bowed.
Komoru looked quite touched. ‘Thank you. I accept your apology Charlie.’
‘As I do yours Komoru.’
Charlie sat back down and indicated the seat opposite. Komoru looked a little unsure. Cookie appeared at her side with a steaming hot cup of coffee. They exchanged smiles and Komoru sat down.
‘We have never really talked, have we Charlie?’
‘No I don’t suppose we have. But then, what on earth would we have to talk about? You are a brilliant scientist and I am a simple soldier. Under normal circumstances, we would never even have met, and if we had, we would never have talked to each other.’
‘You can’t be sure about that Charlie.’
‘I would have been guarding something, probably standing outside in the wind in the rain, and you would have been driven past me in some form of limousine, on your way to do something startling.’
Komoru took a small sip of coffee and smiled. ‘You are right. I would most likely never have noticed you.’
‘There you go. Now we are being honest with one another.’
‘This isn’t really the Japanese way.’
‘The Japanese are an admirable race Komoru. They can handle honesty. It is the bluntness they don’t like.’
‘There may be a certain truth to that Charlie. We have ways of doing things.’
‘As have many of the races out here among the stars Komoru. Which makes you very suited to the job as Ambassador.’
‘So I have been told. I have also been told I have to grow up and open my eyes. I have led quite a sheltered life Charlie.’
‘You don’t have to explain yourself to me Komoru. I grew up alongside a genius. I know how protective, parents especially, can be around children who are gifted.’
‘You are far brighter than I thought you were Charlie. I struggled to find what it was Steven ever saw in you. I know you have special abilities now; I meant before all of that.’
‘I know what you meant Komoru. The simple fact is we just got on well. As children we both had the same enemies. Having Steven as a friend probably boosted me intellectually when I was young. It is hard for a kid of normal intelligence to keep up with a genius. I tried though, and he had limitless patience. Of course, children also have lots of non-scientific interests as well.’
‘You also have a gift for research.’
Charlie frowned a little, ‘How so?’
‘You were the one who set up the music industry and saved us all.’
‘I wouldn’t quite go as far as that.’
‘Do you really have no idea of just how much you did?’
Charlie’s blank look said it all, ‘I know we were in a bit of a pickle, I didn’t think it was all that serious.’
‘I can assure you, the fleet could have been in big trouble if you hadn’t opened that account Charlie. You are also responsible for all of the information that Lewis has been feeding me these past few weeks.’
Charlie shrugged, ‘It was Janex that whispered in my ear. I was alarmed, I didn’t want anything to happen to you, or us for that matter.’
‘I am talking about the research and the quality of it. You seem to have your finger on the pulse. I want you to head up a team to research the planets that we will be visiting.’
‘I thought that was Lady Jane’s job.’
‘Lady Jane is concerned more with protocol, that sort of thing. You are right though, this does lie in her domain. I showed her the news footage of the Vecery incident; I am afraid Lady Jane could not handle it very well.’
‘She seems quite tough to me Komoru.’
‘Lady Jane has never been subjected to that level of violence before Charlie, neither have I. We are inadequately prepared for this sort of thing. You are a battle-hardened soldier on the other hand. That is why I would like you to lead a small team dedicated to research. If you could handle that aspect of the research, I would be very grateful.’
Charlie gave his chin a bit of a scratch, ‘I suppose it’s what I am doing already. I like doing it to keep my mind active, and it is pretty damn boring between planets. You said a small team?’
‘Yes, yourself, Lady Jane and another member of my crew.’
‘You will need to talk to the Bear first, and Steven.’
‘Mr De´ Beer thinks that it will keep you out of trouble and Steven was
all for it.’
‘Have you seen him lately?’
‘No but we have spoken.’
‘He seems to be getting a little tense. Maybe you should.’
Her laugh had a strange tinkling quality to it and Charlie hardened himself to it. Komoru was the kind of quiet demure woman that Charlie was naturally attracted to, but this particular lady was off the table, and Charlie had never chased an attached woman.
‘I am going to see him after I have talked to you. Are you looking forward to your leave?’
‘Not now.’
‘Oh! Why not?’
‘Haven’t you heard?’
‘No, I haven’t been keeping up with current affairs.’
‘My leave was cancelled. I now have to report to HQ Scotland to undergo some officer training. It would seem someone has seen fit to promote me to Captain permanently.’
‘Congratulations.’
‘Really?’
‘You aren’t pleased!’
‘Oh hell no. I had a leave of drunkenness and debauchery planned.’
Komoru stood. ‘As I can sense this conversation is about to take a nose dive, I shall take my leave. I will make all the arrangements after our leave.’
Charlie raised an arm. ‘Catch you later.’
Chapter 8
Buzz stirred his cup slowly then dropped the dirty teaspoon into the sink. They had been home for days. The sun was already up and he leaned forward to open the window. A light breeze wafted in; it made him smile. One of the few times he had done so since his return.
‘Why did you open the window?’ His wife asked from the kitchen table where she was having her coffee. ‘You will let the flies in.’
‘I just wanted to feel the morning breeze on my face, taste the fresh air.’
‘I bet you have no trouble with flies coming in the windows in space.’
He felt the tension begin to rise again. ‘You’re right, no flies, just aliens trying to abduct you so other aliens can turn you to mush in a blender.’
The argument had been going on since he had returned home. There was a bang outside the door and his daughter came stumbling into the kitchen.