“Oh Cami. Baby, I’m so sorry. I wish you would have told me. All I wanted was to be with you…”
My head rushed with anger. I jumped back up off the bed.
“Stop saying that Colin! You keep saying that like I made the wrong choice. I was sixteen years old and pregnant. I was scared to death and I had a boyfriend who to this day has no idea how incredibly self-absorbed he was. I thought about telling you every day…even after I lost the baby. But the thing that stopped me from even telling you was that once I was gone Colin, you didn’t even call. You… you didn’t fucking call. You didn’t come looking for me. I felt so alone. God, I have to get out of here.”
Colin was still sitting on the edge of the bed looking stunned. I opened his dresser and took out a t-shirt. I slipped it on and looked at him one last time before I walked out the door. He didn’t come after me and that hurt too. My head pounded and my heart ached. I should have never gotten involved again.
COLIN
I sat on the edge of the bed and listened to the only woman I ever cared about…the only one I ever imagined a life with, walk out the door. I wanted to go after her…but wasn’t I about eight years too late? I had let her walk away with my baby in her belly. She was just a kid. She was a kid who thought that I didn’t love her enough because I was too busy wrapped up in my own stupid, fucking life. I lay back on the bed and closed my eyes. She was right.
Off and on over the years I would allow myself to think about her and the life we could have had. Now there would have been a baby in there too?
I felt wet tears at the corners of my eyes now. Dammit. Would she still have lost the baby if I’d been with her? Possibly….but I would have been there for her. She wouldn’t have had to go through that alone.
She said I was too selfish to beg her to stay all of those years ago, and she was partly right. I was in that place where I was actually considering my father’s life. Because I was his son I felt entitled to certain things. I cared deeply for her, so I felt entitled to her love in return. Did I want to beg her to stay? Absolutely. Was that acceptable to my way of life at the time? Absolutely not.
Braden McShannon’s boys didn’t beg for anything. They were given what they wanted, or they took it by force. But was that all that stopped me from begging her? No, not even close. I think...I think I would have had I thought I was good enough for her.
The truth was that at that time I was a thug…plain and simple. Sure, I was rich and spoiled, but that didn’t change the fact that I was a thug. It was what my father taught me how to be and it was what I thought lay before me for the rest of my life. I was too young at the time to even envision a way out.
I wanted her more than I’d ever wanted anything, even then. But I wasn’t going to beg her to stay with me. She might be surprised to know that it wasn’t because I thought I was too good…but because I didn’t think I was good enough. She deserved so much better than the kind of life my mother had…and even then I knew that.
Now things are so different. My father is out of my life. That life is in my past. I have a business I run with my brothers….legitimately. I have everything I need because I worked for it and not because I took it from anyone.
Now, I deserved a woman like her…and for a second I thought that I was going to get a second chance. I reached for her pillow and breathed in the scent of her. Nothing makes you realize how much you love and appreciate someone more than losing them.
I didn’t get back up that night. I laid in bed awake for most of it, trying to figure out what to do. Should I just be thankful for the time I had with her and let her go on with her life? Should I go after her? I knew what I wanted…but what is it that she wants? She’s the one who walked away this time. She has a life now. She’s not a kid anymore.
I agonized through the night and finally early the next morning I called my go to person when it came to things like this….my mother.
“Hi Ma.”
“Hello my Colin. Why do you sound so sad?” I chuckled, she always knew. She didn’t even have to see my face. Then she surprised me again.
“Is it Camilla? I saw you talking to her at the wedding.”
“How do you do that?”
“Do what?” I could hear the smile in her voice.
“How do you always know what I’m feeling and what’s going on in my life before I even do sometimes?”
“I’m a mom. It’s what I do. Talk to me, my son.”
“I don’t know what to do Ma. I realized last night that I still love her. I loved her back when we were kids, but I let myself come to believe that it wasn’t real love because we were young, you know? Now that I’ve seen her again I realize that I was wrong about that. I love her. She’s the only woman I ever want to even imagine myself being in love with.”
“Did you tell her?”
“No. Some things came up…about our past…”
“When she left and you lost your mind?”
I laughed. That period when I was sleeping with one woman after the other and not treating any of them very well, was the one period in my life when my mother and I didn’t get along. She’d even told me she was ashamed of me. That hurt worse than a punch in the gut.
“Yeah. She thought I didn’t want her because I didn’t ask her to stay.”
“So, you didn’t learn anything?”
“Yes of course I did. I wish I would have begged her to stay…”
“That’s not learning. That’s wishing. Did you learn anything that will keep you from repeating that same mistake again, Colin?”
“I hope so…” I run my hands through my hair.
“I don’t think so. You’re calling me instead of her. You’re letting her go again. You just told me that you didn’t tell her how you felt…again.”
“Ugh...Shit.”
“Watch the language.” Her voice smiles again.
“Sorry Ma. You’re right! I need to tell her.”
“Yes, you do.”
“What if she still doesn’t want me though?” I sounded lovesick and pathetic but I didn’t care.
“It takes courage to tell someone how you feel. It also takes a big person to want someone you love to be happy…even if it means not being happy withyou. I happen to know you Colin Michael McShannon and I know that you are both courageous and a big person. Go tell that girl how you feel. Don’t make the same mistake twice and have live with the same old regrets, son.”
“Ma?”
“Yes?”
“You’re amazing, you know that?”
“Yes son, I do know.” She laughed. I laughed too.
“I love you, Ma.”
“I love you more. Go talk to your girl.”
I ended the call and then I called a guy that used to work for my father. He quit before my father was arrested. He was like me and my brothers, he had a conscience and that business just wasn’t working for him. He’s a private investigator now with his own business.
“Hey Mac, I need a favor.”
“What’s that, Colin?”
“I need you to find someone for me.”
“Okay, give me what you’ve got.” I gave him her name and I told him that she worked for a law firm somewhere in the city. It wasn’t a lot to go on, but if anyone could find her, he could. I hung up the phone and while I waited, I packed. Taking the boat out now is just what I needed to do to clear my head.
When I finished packing, I called my brother Patrick.
“Hey little brother, what’s up?”
“Pat, I’m going to take the yacht out for a few days…maybe a week. I just need to get away for a while…”
“Camilla?”
I laughed. “You inherited Ma’s knack for that didn’t you?”
“It’s an older brother thing.”
I laughed again. “She said it was a “mom” thing. Maybe that means you’re like an old woman.”
“Andyou’re an asshole. Do you want my blessing on your time off or not?”
“Pat,
I’m an equal partner. I don’t need your blessing!”
“Then why the fuck did you call me?”
“Because I didn’t want you to worry Mommy.”
He mocked me with kisses. “Be safe.” I hung up smiling. It’s good to have family.
The day dragged on and finally as I was sitting down to eat dinner I got a phone call from Mac. He gave me her address and even the name and address of the law firm where she works. I thanked him and hung up.
I took the bag I’d packed with me and headed to Boston Common’s where Mac said she lives.
I found the apartment house and suddenly I felt nervous. It was a converted three story Victorian mansion that looked like it had been built in the late 1800’s. It was painted a soft yellow with white trim and each window held a window box with flowers in it. It looked like exactly the kind of place she would live.
I took the stairs up two at a time until I got to the third floor. I found her apartment easily and knocked. I could hear voices coming from the inside. God, this was gonna suck.
When Cami pulled open the door she was smiling. But when she saw me, the smile faded and her face registered shock.
“Co.. Colin? What are you doing here?” My name sounded breathy and my cock stirred. Her golden eyes shone up at me and I remembered the way she’d scrunched her nose when she came. So beautiful.
In the background I could see her ex inside and another stunned couple around the kitchen island. I told myself that it didn’t matter. I was going to say what I came to say.
“I’m sorry to interrupt you, Cami. I just have to talk to you real quick and then I’m off to take the yacht out for a few days. I don’t expect anything from you…but I have to say this.”
“This probably isn’t the time….” She looked over her shoulder. Thomas approached looking defensive. That fucking annoyed me.
“Is everything okay Camilla?” He was giving me the eye like I was supposed to be intimidated. I wasn’t. Not even close.
“It’s fine Thomas. She’s fine.” He glared at me but went back over to the other couple, but they were all dead silent…listening.
“Say what you need to say, Colin.” Her beautiful eyes peeked up at me and I felt like a teenage boy all over again. My heart drummed in my ears.Say it, McShannon.
“I love you. My heart shattered the second you walked away yesterday… again. But it will always love you. I’ll always cherish the time we had together and I’ll always mourn the life that we could have had. I want you and I will never stop wanting you, but above all else, I want you to be happy. I made the mistake of not telling you all of that once before. I didn’t want to repeat that same mistake.”
The air between us hung thick with emotion. I could see her throat working to speak but she didn’t say a word. Her eyes held so many words before she looked at the ground.
From behind her I heard her ex laugh and say something to the others who laughed as well. I didn’t give a fuck, as long as Cami knew how I feel.
“I wish you nothing but the best of everything, Cami. Goodbye honey.” I whispered just for her and turned around to walk away.
In my fantasy…. she came after me. But in the harsh light of reality, she let me go. I got in my car and drove the few miles to the harbor feeling heavier than I wanted to. I’d meant every word. So why was my heart breaking again?
CAMILLA
I left the party and I didn’t even feel bad about it for two reasons. First, I needed to know if Colin was serious and I didn’t care what anyone thought about it . Secondly, it was that they’d laughed at him. We weren’t in high school anymore but I felt the surge to protect him.
I was so angry with Thomas. He and I had promised to be friends after we broke up…but I’m sure he had hoped we’d get back together. Still, that was rude and it pissed me off. It couldn’t have been easy for Colin to do that, especially in front of strangers.
I sped to the harbor and breathed a sigh of relief when I saw his car. I wasn’t sure where his boat was but I was determined to find it. It was late in the evening, so I was pretty sure there wouldn’t be too many boats getting ready to leave the harbor.
I parked next to him and searched the docks nearest to us. I ran along the deck, checking each boat for signs of life. I saw one that had the running lights on but when I got close I could see an older couple up on the deck so I kept going. There was one at the very end…a beautiful white yacht.
As I got close I saw the name on the side and my breath hitched. I smiled through the tears as I took in the name. The side of his boat said, “The Camilla” in a bold, dark script. What the hell?! He didn’t know he was going to see me again when he had named his boat. It was proof that he’d never forgotten.
“Colin!” He was standing on the deck folding the tarp. I saw him look around towards the front of the boat like he wasn’t sure if he’d heard something or not.
“Baby, I’m down here!” He looked around again and then his eyes landed on me and he smiled. I smiled back through my tears and waved. He killed the engine of the big boat and minutes later he was coming down towards me. He stopped when he was close enough to see that I was crying. His blue eyes looked so beautiful against the blue water.
“Cami…baby are you okay?”
I nodded and wiped my face with the back of my hand. “I need to know if you meant it.”
He grinned. “Which part?”
“Don’t play with me Colin McShannon!”
He took a step towards me and said, “I meant every word. I love you so much and all I want is for you to be happy.”
“I love you too.”
“Yeah? Really?”
I laughed. “Really. I never stopped. I want to be happy…with you.”
He grabbed me then and swept me up off my feet and into his arms. “I’m going to spend the rest of my life making you happy baby, I promise.”
He kissed me then as he carried me back to his yacht. He carried me down into the living quarters and sat me down in the bed.
“Don’t go anywhere,” he told me, kissing me again. I watched him climb back up on deck and not too long afterwards I heard the engine start.
Curious, I climbed upstairs too. I got tingles all over when I saw him at the wheel. He had on a t-shirt with no sleeves and his biceps flexed as he maneuvered the boat out of the marina. The wind was blowing his sexy black hair around his face and his beautiful face was completely relaxed. It was obvious that he was happy and in his element. My chest swelled with love for this man and I said a little prayer of thanks that we found our way back to each other. I went up and stood next to him. He slipped his arm around my waist and kissed me again, pulling me into his side as he steered with one hand.
Once we were out away from the marina in the clear, peaceful waters of the bay he killed the engine and raised the sails. He poured us a glass of wine and we sat together sipping it as we sailed for a while through the quiet, beautiful night.
When we reached a secluded area he dropped the anchor and said, “Will you spend the night with me, here?”
I smiled and looked around. There were beautiful tall cliffs around us and the last of the sunset painted the sky to the west.
“Absolutely. It’s so beautiful.”
He hadn’t taken his eyes off of me. “Yes. I’ve never seen anything more beautiful.”
He poured us another glass of wine and then raised his glass in a toast. “To endless days and nights together…making all of your dreams come true.”
I raised mine and said, “And yours.”
We clinked them together and drank as we listened to the sounds of the waves lapping up onto the side of the boat. Colin waited until my glass was empty and then he took the glass gently out of my hand. He sat his down too and then he kissed me. He started with soft, tender ones, taking his time…exploring every corner of my mouth. Then he would let our tongues dance lightly together, leaving me aching for more.
He reached up with both of his hands and fist
ed his hands in my hair, tilting my head so that he could put his lips on my neck. He kissed me and suckled on the tender flesh there, sending goosebumps racing down my arms and my spine. He pulled his face back and smiled as he said, “You want to rock this boat with me baby?”
I giggled but couldn’t speak. I nodded as he brought his sexy lips back to my mouth and kissed me hard. His kiss sent sparks shooting through my body and cumulating in my pussy. I wanted him so badly.
He lifted my arms up and I held them there as he slid off my shirt. He reached back and unhooked my bra. He sucked in a breath as my breasts came spilling out. “So beautiful.”
He bent his dark head to take one in his mouth and while he licked and sucked on that one, he used his fingers to pleasure the other. He playfully bit down and then sucked it again. My pussy was drenched and I was relieved when I felt him unhook my skirt and let it fall to my ankles.
I stepped out of it and then he took the elastic of my thong in his hands on either side and pulled that down. I was naked on a yacht. I looked around, suddenly aware that someone could sail by.
“Relax baby. It’s just us out here.”
I nodded and he pushed me down gently onto the leather seat behind us. He dropped down in front of me and pushed open my legs. Slowly, he slid two fingers into my throbbing, wet pussy and moved them in and out as he rubbed my swollen clit with his thumb. I felt like I’d died and gone to heaven.
“Feels nice, baby?” he whispered.
I nearly choked trying to get the words out. “So much better than nice.”
He slowly amped up the intensity of the pressure and speed he was using on my clit. He continued his two finger assault on my pussy as I felt myself reaching my peak. “Oh fuck! Colin!”
The waves of pleasure crashed into me and I moaned loudly as the first orgasm of the night barreled into me. “Jesus Colin. That was incredible.”
BWWM: BEFORE I WAKE: A Bad Boy Billionaire Book Collection (African American Interracial Series) Page 298