“Love some, thanks.”
“Go have a seat in the living room and I’ll join you in a minute.”
“Actually, I think I’ll use the bathroom first, if that’s okay.”
“Make yourself at home.”
Once she heard the bathroom door shut, Laura poured herself a shot of whiskey from one of the bottles sitting on the counter and bolted it down. She followed it quickly with a second then started the coffee maker. As she watched the coffee drip down from the basket, her mind started to wander, moving from thoughts of how pleasant the day had been into darker territory. You know, of course, that he’s only interested in one thing. And that one thing isn’t you. Why would anyone want to spend time with you? You’re a loser, you’re worthless, you’d be better off dead.
“Stop it,” she whispered to herself. “He says he likes me and I like him. I won’t let this be ruined with self-defeating thoughts.”
The flow of the coffee into the pot seemed to slow down until it fell, a drop at a time. But the noise it made overwhelmed her, like a rushing in her ears. Mesmerized by the liquid, Laura stared at the pot – it sounded like rain drops trickling over dead, moldering leaves. Like an annoying leaky faucet. Like…like – the image flashed into her mind as clear as reality – like congealing blood dripping slowly from open wounds. The open wounds on her wrists after she’d slashed them – slashed them quickly, quietly, using one of her sharpest paring knives while Mike was in the bathroom. The voices were right. She would be better off dead.
Chapter Eight
Mike flushed the toilet, lowered the seat and turned to the sink to wash his hands. When he reached for a towel, the light bulb blew out, filling the air with the odd smell of ozone and burning. With the main light in the room out, the nightlight clicked on, giving him enough light to finish. Mike smoothed his hair back a bit and bared his teeth a bit, turning his head side to side, checking his appearance in the mirror.
He noticed then that the bathtub faucet had a leak, a steady dripping that echoed in the small dark room. Everything else in the house seemed hushed, as if waiting breathlessly for the next drop. Funny, he thought, peering into the darkened corner where the tub sat, it sounds like the tub is full of water. He touched a hand to the shower curtain, hesitating for a second, remembering the dream Laura had the night of her trial. She’d been so upset by it. And so had he. His hand trembled. This is stupid, he told himself, Laura is out in the kitchen making coffee. Mike took a deep breath and pulled back the curtain. The tub was empty and the faucet was dry. He shook his head, then turned away to open the door.
The knob wouldn’t turn. “This is just crazy,” he said. He turned the knob again, this time with more pressure. It didn’t budge an inch. Mike checked the lock, turning the center of the lock back and forth. “Crazy,” he muttered and pushed his weight against the door. The door flew open. He turned back around and checked the knob one more time, shaking his head.
“You need to get the door to the bathroom fixed, Laura,” he called, “I couldn’t get it to open. Didn’t you hear me rattling the knob?”
Mike walked into the kitchen to find Laura just standing there, with her back to the door. He could see her shoulders shaking and wondered if she were crying. He reached over and gently tapped her on the shoulder. “Laura?”
She took in a great gasp of air and dropped what she’d been holding. The knife fell, clattering on the tile floor and she turned around to face him.
“Mike?” Her eyes were unfocused, distant, her skin deathly pale, her lips practically blue. She shivered violently.
“Laura? What were you doing?” He pulled her close to him and held her until the shaking stopped and noticed that instead of feeling cold as he expected, she was incredibly hot to the touch. Mike put a hand to her forehead. “You’re running a fever,” he said. “Have you got a thermometer around here?”
She took another deep ragged breath, but said nothing.
“Let’s get you into bed, okay?” Mike gently led her back to her bedroom, pulled the covers back and eased her down. Not quite the romantic ending to the day he’d been hoping for. He looked at her, pulled the covers up to her neck. She mumbled something he couldn’t hear and her eyes fluttered closed.
He felt her forehead again. She definitely was running a fever, no doubt about it.
“Laura?” He said her name louder now. “I’m going to get you some aspirin, but I need you to wake up for a little bit so you can take them.”
She mumbled again, then opened her eyes. “Mike?”
“I think you’re sick, babe. I’m going to get you settled in, okay?”
She gave him a little sad smile. “I’m sorry I’m such a mess. You deserve better.”
“Don’t be silly. You can’t help it if you’re sick. I’ll be back in a second with something for that fever. Don’t go anywhere.”
Mike found aspirin in the medicine cabinet and brought it to Laura along with a glass of water. He sat on the edge of the bed and propped Laura up so she could take the pills. Then he took the glass from her hand and set it on the night stand, easing her back into bed. He felt her forehead one more time, and stroked her hair until she fell asleep, then settled into a chair in the corner of the room.
Laura awoke the next morning with no remembrance of the previous night. But she felt well-rested and refreshed and slightly surprised to see Mike sleeping in a chair in the corner of the room, with Anubis curled up in his lap. She smiled, assuming the snoring was Mike’s. It was a reassuring sound, somehow. Even more reassuring was to see him there. He stayed, Laura thought to herself in wonder. They’d obviously not had sex, given the fact that she still wore her clothes from yesterday and that he slept in the chair. But still, he’d stayed. Which meant he must like her. Right? So maybe I’m not as much of a mess as I think.
Laura bent over him and dropped a light kiss on his head. Mike slept on.
Laura was sipping her second cup of coffee when Mike finally woke up. He came over to her and hugged her, then stepped back and felt her forehead. “Feeling better?” he asked.
“I feel great,” she said, “why wouldn’t I?”
“You were running a fever last night.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, don’t you remember?”
Laura searched her memory. “Vaguely, I suppose. I remember you putting me to bed. I must’ve been exhausted.”
“Well, we did have a busy day yesterday.”
Laura smiled. “A busy one, yeah, but also a very nice day, Mike. Thanks for making the effort.”
Mike pulled her to him again. “It wasn’t an effort, it was a pleasure.”
She stood on her toes to kiss him, savoring the scent of him, enjoying the scratchy feel of his beard stubble against her skin.
The phone rang a second later and Laura jumped.
“Hello?”
“Mommy?”
“Hi, Lizzy. How are you, sweetie?”
Mike deposited a kiss on the nape of Laura’s neck. “I’ll freshen up a bit,” he whispered, “then get out of your way. I’ll need to get back to my place and change before my shift starts.”
Laura nodded.
“I’m fine, Mommy. How are you?”
“Great.” For once Laura didn’t have to lie. She smiled. “I’m great,” she said again, “but I miss you and your sister.”
There was a pause on Lizzy’s end. “I, um, had a nightmare about you the other night…” She seemed unwilling to continue.
“Yeah, your dad told me. But you know, Pixie, it was only a dream. Sometimes they can seem very real, but they can’t hurt you. You know that, don’t you?”
“Yeah, but…”
“I’m fine, sweetie. You shouldn’t be worrying about me.”
“Do you have to go away, Mommy? To that clinic place?”
“Yep. But this is a good thing. If I do better, your dad has promised you and Amanda can come and stay with me sometime. Would you like that?”
�
�I’d love that, Mommy.” Lizzy paused again and Laura heard Tony’s voice in the background. “Dad says I have to go now. We’re going out for breakfast.”
“Sounds like fun,” Laura said, trying to keep her voice light and cheerful. “Is Amanda there?”
“She’s already in the car,” Lizzy said.
“Tell her I said ‘hi,’ okay? And that I love her. And you.”
“I love you too, Mommy. Bye.”
Mike came back into the kitchen. “She doing okay?”
Laura nodded. “She has nightmares. And night terrors. Kid’s stuff.” She suppressed a shiver, not wanting to even think about Lizzy’s dream.
Mike put his arms around her and gave her one long, hard kiss. “I wish I didn’t have to go,” he said. “But I’ve no choice in the matter. Work’s work.”
“I know,” Laura said, walking him to the door. “Thank you for everything.”
“I’ll be back tomorrow morning, bright and early, to take you out to the rehab center. Take it easy today, okay? And call if you need anything.”
Laura sighed as she shut and locked the door behind him. It was going to be a long day. And a long night. She walked back to the bathroom and took two Valium, then went to the kitchen to open up a bottle of wine. She felt her tensions ease from the sound of the liquid pouring into the glass. She sighed and gave a half smile.
We don’t really need him here. And we don’t need anything from him, do we? Laura held up her glass and admired the deep red color of the wine. As long as there’s this, we’re all just fine.
The morning came too quickly to please Laura. She’d drunk the entire bottle of wine, fallen asleep too early, and woke up on time, but feeling fuzzy and confused. Where had all the time gone? She showered quickly, dressed, and checked her suitcase one last time. After being ousted from the piece of luggage several times, Anubis gave up and, perched high on the bed pillows, watched Laura intently. “I have no idea if I packed enough stuff or not,” she said, “it feels kind of like summer camp.” Eventually, she zipped the case shut and wheeled it to the living room by the front door. She sighed, wishing she could put everything back where it came from.
“I don’t want to go,” she said quietly. “It seems like I’m dying and going to hell.”
Even Mike’s arrival didn’t dispel her dismal mood. She gave him directions for taking care of the cat and the house, but refused to laugh at his many attempts at humor. They didn’t talk much on the drive to the facility and once there, Laura sat silently in the car. Mike got out, removed her suitcase from the trunk, and walked over to open her door. Laura still sat in the car, staring down at her lap.
“Laura, honey, I promise you you’ll survive this. Just take a deep breath…”
“And dive right down,” she answered, moving slowly out of her seat. “Into the murky depths of the underworld.”
She gave Mike a brief kiss at the front desk before he left. Laura did not turn around to watch him go.
Rehab isn’t quite hell, Laura thought at the end of her first week. No, not quite. She gave a wry smile, falling back on her lapsed Catholic upbringing. More like limbo, actually. She had a sense of a suspension of time, as if she were holding her breath, waiting. In fact, it was as if everyone here was waiting. Waiting for their sentence to be over, maybe, or just longing for the return to their normal lives, no matter how awful they may have been. And dreading the return as well, not knowing what would happen once they were free of this place.
This odd feeling had nothing to do with having too much spare time; instead, the administration seemed determined to fill most of their free time. They offered group and individual therapy, lectures and seminars, and films, both popular and informative. Then there were the nature walks, the fully-equipped gym, an Olympic-sized swimming pool and the ever-ubiquitous arts and crafts. God forbid, Laura thought, they should give you a moment by yourself to just think – although she realized that was the point. She welcomed the presence of other people during the day and the many events that took her mind off the growing itch of her cravings. But once she went to her room, she felt lost. She hadn’t yet been assigned a roommate, instead she spent her nights alone. Those nights dragged by slower than she’d ever have expected; she hadn’t remembered it being so difficult to sleep before she became dependent on the assistance of alcohol or Valium or both. Maybe it hadn’t been.
The loss of her Valium hit Laura hard. She hadn’t been prepared to have them taken away – she had a prescription for them, after all – so when the pills were confiscated at check-in, Laura was surprised and indignant. Although embarrassed by her anger and the tears that ensued, she’d pleaded with the nurse, to no avail. Valium, like alcohol, was forbidden.
Wednesday was the day for visitors, but since Laura expected no one, she headed for the gym. After about a half hour on the bike, she heard her name paged. The tall African-American woman smiled when she walked into the lounge area; Laura thought she looked familiar, but couldn’t quite place her.
The woman walked up to her and held out her hand. “Laura? I’m Renee Simpson, we met at the A.A. meeting.”
Laura smiled. “Yes, of course we did. Nice to see you again. Do you want to sit down?” The two of them headed over to two of the empty chairs by a window.
“Good to see you, too,” Renee said. “Mike thought I should come over and see you – he says you’re in need of a sponsor. So I figured we could chat for a while and see if we get along. Although I have to tell you that if Mike likes you, you automatically move up on my list.”
“Really? Why?”
“Honey, that man is a gem. And I was so thrilled to hear he met someone he liked. He’s quite taken with you, you know?”
Laura blushed. “Is he? I find that hard to believe. I’m a bit of a mess.”
Renee put her head back and laughed. “Well, mess or no, sweetie, you’re the first woman he’s ever brought to a meeting. In fact, you’re the first woman I’ve heard him talk about in years.”
“Have you known him long?”
“As long as he’s been coming to meetings. Seven years, I think. It’s hard to keep track of other people’s sober time. Speaking of which, it’s probably a good time for you to start running your own tally.”
“Three days.” Laura’s voice wavered a bit.
Renee nodded her head. “Tied on a good one the night before, huh?” She gave a small laugh. “I remember that well. I don’t think I was sober for weeks before my last go at rehab.”
“Last go?”
“Took three times for me, Laura. Not everyone makes it the first time. Or the second. It’s not an easy thing. So how are you doing?”
“I’m okay. Sleeping seems impossible. They took away my Valium.”
Renee nodded again, sympathetically. “That’s a hard one, isn’t it?”
“I guess. To be honest, I was sort of surprised. I knew they were going to wean me off of the booze, but I didn’t expect…” Her voice trailed off.
“Yeah.” Renee reached over and patted Laura’s hand briefly. “It does get better, I can promise you that. Not for a while, but it does. And when you get home, you can even have caffeine in your coffee. Trivial, I know, but that was one of the things that really bugged me.”
Laura raised her eyebrows in surprise. “It’s decaf? I must’ve missed that. It would explain the morning headaches.”
Renee laughed again. “Ah, another coffee addict. At least it’s still legal. I think we’ll get along just fine.”
Laura smiled. “Good. I’m kind of new to this part of town, and I don’t know many people.”
“Support is important.” Renee looked at her watch and stood up, smoothing her skirt. “And speaking of support, I’ve got to get back to work.” she grinned as Laura rolled her eyes at the pun. “I’ll try to get back again before you leave.” She reached into her suit coat pocket and handed Laura her card. “You can always reach me at this number. Anytime. Day or night. That’s part of the deal.”
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“Thanks so much. I feel a little less lost right now.” Laura reached out to shake her hand, but Renee gave her a smile and pulled her into a quick hug.
“Mike said to be sure to say that he sends his love.” Renee moved away and winked at her. “Even if he didn’t quite put it that way. He’s a keeper, honey. If I weren’t happily married, I’d fight you for him.”
Laura blushed slightly. “Thanks,” she said again.
“Think nothing of it.” Renee turned and walked out the door.
Watching her leave, Laura suddenly felt close to tears. I’m glad Renee came, she thought, but it’s going to make the rest of the day seem very dreary. She peered out the windows, noticing that it had begun to rain. “Great,” she muttered under her breath and headed back to the gym to try to sweat it all away.
Mike struggled again with the key in Laura’s front door. She never seemed to have this much trouble, but since he’d been coming in alone to feed the cat, he couldn’t seem to get the lock to work. With each visit, it seemed to grow more difficult. To make matters worse, it was pitch black on her front step. He thought he’d left a light on, but apparently not. And the door still wouldn’t open. “There must be a trick to it,” he said through clenched teeth and jiggled the key in the other direction, while applying pressure on the door with his hip. Finally, it sprung open with such force he almost lost his balance. “Stupid son of a bitch,” Mike said, unsure if he was swearing at the door or at himself. “What the hell is with the doors in this house?” Maybe I should change the lock, he thought as he flipped on the light. At least Laura doesn’t need to worry too much about people breaking in – you can’t even get the door open with a key.
He walked into the kitchen and called for the cat. Anubis sauntered out from Laura’s bedroom, then stopped at the cellar door and hissed. “You know me,” Mike said. “Come on if you want to eat.”
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