Modern Magic
Page 146
“Huh?” asked Tom.
“I didn’t say anything,” Ed replied.
“Must have been my imagination. Mind’s playing tricks…” That’s when I heard it again. “What the hell? Didn’t you guys hear that?” They were both in the middle of shaking their heads when there came a muffled thump from outside.
“Now that, I heard,” Ed replied.
“Me, too,” confirmed Tom.
“Guess we should check it out.”
“First things first.” I walked over to retrieve the shotgun from where Jeff had flung it.
Only once my friends were duly rearmed did I let them venture out to investigate. I kept watch, close enough to the doors to see any ambush, but not so close as to get deep-fried.
My roommates went out to check on things. It didn’t take long to home in on the sounds as the muffled thuds started coming with increased frequency. Their source turned out to be an upside down trashcan close to Jeff’s remains. Ed backed up a step and pointed the gun at the can. He nodded to Tom, who slowly started to lift it.
He had gotten it up about six inches when a voice screamed from within, “Are you fucking stupid!?” The can was pulled back down to the ground from the inside. Holy shit! That was Sally’s voice. No mistaking her pissy tone.
Tom and Ed exchanged surprised glances and then turned toward me. Thinking fast, I yelled back, “Give me a second, guys.” I raced back into the warehouse. It took a few minutes of sifting through the place, but at last, I found something that might work. I bundled it up and ran back to the opening.
I balled up the old painter’s tarp I had found off in a corner and tossed it out the door to Tom. “Use this.”
He caught it and nodded while Ed set aside the gun. Together they managed to get the garbage can off of Sally and bundle her under the tarp before the sunlight could do its job. They started to lead her back to the relative safety of the warehouse, but she stopped them near the pile that had been Jeff. I saw her hand reach from under the tarp and sift through the ashes. She grabbed something from them and then let my roommates finish escorting her back inside, where she discarded the tarp to the floor. She was a little singed around the edges and some smoke was still coming off her shoulders, but she was otherwise alive.
“Thanks. It was starting to get a little stuffy in there,” she said.
“How the hell did you manage to pull that one off?” Ed asked.
“With neither finesse nor time to spare.” She motioned to a few burns on her hands and arms.
“What’s with the souvenirs?” Tom asked, gesturing to whatever she’d palmed.
“Just a few things we’re going to need for later.”
“Fine,” I said. “But seriously, what happened back there with you and Jeff?”
“Besides me saving your asses and, thus, the day?” she intoned, her attitude apparently suffering no ill effects from the battle. I nodded, and she continued, “Whatever you did to Jeff near the end there weakened his ability to control me.” She smiled. “Besides, he also failed to specify exactly which asshole I should kill.”
* * *
The danger over, we decided it was safe to split up. My roommates left the remaining weapons in our care, making me promise to return the gun and the steak knives back home (neither shotguns nor good kitchen cutlery are cheap, y’know). They both had enough of the vampire world for one day, and decided to head home via the topside.
“Maybe with a quick pit stop at the hospital,” Ed commented.
“What are you going to tell them happened?”
He smiled and pointed to the elbow pads he and Tom still wore. “Damn skateboards. Those things’ll kill ya.”
After they had departed, I followed Sally to the warehouse’s sewer entrance. It would keep us out of the sun and lead us back to one of the coven’s other locations, where we could presumably get cleaned up and grab some blood. We opened the grate leading downward. I had started to descend when Sally said, “Wait a minute,” and disappeared back into the warehouse. She returned a few moments later. “Sorry. Forgot to shut off the lights,” was the only explanation she gave.
As we walked down the dark tunnel together, I asked her, “So, what now?”
“You get to live. That’s what.”
“Are you so sure?”
“What do you mean?” she asked.
“Isn’t the rest of the coven going to be kind of pissed over what we did to Jeff?”
“Oh, that?” she said dismissively. “It doesn’t really matter how pissed they are. Coven rules are pretty specific about this sort of thing.”
“What sort of thing?”
“Combat. One vampire can challenge another to a duel. If that happens, the outcome is considered to be between them and them alone.”
“Okay,” I pointed out, “but Jeff was the coven leader.”
“Yes, and in that, the rules are even more specific.”
“How so?” I asked, trekking through the damp, smelly tunnel.
“If a coven master is challenged and defeated in fair combat, then whoever is the vanquisher becomes the new leader.”
I stopped dead in my tracks. “So that means you’re…”
“In charge? El presidente? Número uno?” she playfully replied. “Yep. I guess it does.”
I chuckled and started walking again. “Should I bow before you, my queen?”
“I will definitely consider that,” she replied, deadpan.
“You know, little details like that might have been nice to know up front.”
“You seemed stressed enough as it was. I didn’t want to give you anything else to worry about. Some guys just can’t perform under pressure.” She said that last part with a wink.
We walked for a few more moments in the tight confines, and then a thought struck me. “Wait a moment. You said fair combat, right?”
“Yeah, so?”
“So, four against one might not exactly be considered fair.”
“Not true,” she pointed out. “Funny thing about us vampires, we have a very liberal view on the definition of fair.”
And, Of Course, There’s an Epilogue
Two days later, Sally and I were back at the loft. The entirety of the coven had been summoned. It was time to break the news and see how they took it. We had spent the past few days resting and gathering our strength back at her suggestion. She said that things like this usually went fine, but if we showed up looking worse for the wear, it could be construed as a sign of weakness. A few days off was fine with me, as I needed some time to decompress and tidy up some loose ends.
Tom and Ed had both spent a night in the hospital for observation. They were going to be sore for quite some time, but at the end of the day, nothing would be permanent, except that maybe Ed’s nose would probably be a little crooked going forward. They took it in good stride. After all, how many people can have a showdown with a master vampire and live to brag about it? And brag we did. Every time we recounted the story to each other, the exploits of our victory got a little larger. Within a few months, we’d all be convinced that we had waltzed in, kicked Jeff’s ass without breaking a sweat, and then sauntered out to grab a celebratory beer.
The cops had investigated our break-in, declaring it drug related. The damage to both the front door and Mrs. Caven’s apartment (in addition to ours) had necessitated bringing the authorities in. That was okay. Besides which, the police report would help us with the subsequent insurance claim. Mrs. Caven’s disappearance could have been messy, but Sally assured me that the coven’s connections would make sure it was quickly swept aside as just another unsolved crime. That she appeared not to have any close relatives to stir things up would help in those regards.
Which brings us, once again, back to the loft. Sally and I stood together as the last of the coven arrived. Damn if it didn’t look like the cast party from a perfume commercial. Following my ordeal, I may have had a new respect for the vampire lifestyle, but that didn’t mean I had lost my apprec
iation for the sweet pieces of female flesh before me. Without Jeff there to fray my nerves, I could finally just enjoy the scenery.
“Ye who are gathered, attend my words, please,” Sally said to the group as a whole. Apparently, there were official words that needed to be spoken during these things. She had prepared me in advance for this, lest I start making smartass remarks during the middle of things, which, of course, I was still leaving open as an option. The coven stopped their small talk and turned their attention toward her.
“It is with a heavy heart (yeah right) that I inform you, the gathered, that the time of passing is upon us,” she continued. “Night Razor is no more.”
An instant murmuring arose amongst the group, some of it none-too-friendly sounding. Finally, one of the coven spoke up. It was the smug dickhead I had managed to stare down a few weeks back, Dusk Reaper.
“You lie!” he barked. “Night Razor is eternal. All glory to Night Razor!” A few of the male vamps echoed his all glory crap. Jeez! The first thing Sally needed to change in this place was the freaking fraternity mindset.
Sally, for her part, kept her cool, but she also dropped the formalities. “Eternal?” she questioned. “Does this look like eternal to you?” She pulled something out of her pocket and tossed them onto the floor in front of her. I leaned down to get a better look. There were two of them, white, long, thin, and sharp. They looked like fangs.
“Are those…” I started to ask, but she cut me off with just one word.
“Yep.”
Damn. I guess that’s what she fished out of Jeff’s ashes two days ago. A little morbid, if you ask me, kind of like going through a dead guy’s pockets for spare change.
All of the gathered vampires, in turn, walked up to view the oversized canines. Whether it was to confirm Jeff’s unfortunate passing, or to pay their respects, I wasn’t sure. As long as there wasn’t a mass scream of “Get them!” followed by the crowd rushing me and Sally, I didn’t really care, either.
“How did this happen?” spat Dusk Reaper again. He had either been asshole buddies with Jeff, or had elected himself chief brown-noser. “If it was treachery, he shall be avenged.” Again, a few of the male voices chimed in with him. Goddamn, he was starting to get on my nerves.
“There was no treachery,” Sally calmly replied. “Night Razor fell in fair combat.”
“Fair combat? I doubt that. Who could beat Night Razor?” asked the little ass-kissing prick.
“I think you already know.” She locked eyes with him. This was it. Now we got to see if she had the stuff to hold this crew together. I was standing by to back her up, just in case.
“The Freewill has slain Night Razor in fair combat!” Sally shouted to the crowd.
What the fuck? I opened my mouth to say something, but she kept talking right over me.
“As per our customs, whoever shall slay the coven master fairly shall become the new coven master. I say, I did see the Freewill slay Night Razor in such combat. Our former master fought valiantly, but he fell, nevertheless. It was a good death.” (I guess vampires have a liberal view on the definition of good deaths, too.)
More hushed conversation burst out. I swear it was like being back in high school.
Once again, though, Sally spoke over the crowd, “As is also our custom, should anyone wish to challenge the legitimacy of our new leader, they may do so. A duel to the death will then ensue.” She turned to the dickhead who kept speaking out of turn. “Dusk Reaper, you have been the most vocal amongst us. Do you care to raise a challenge? It is your right…if you feel you can beat him.”
Holy shit! She had set him up. Worst of all for him, he knew it. He glanced over in my direction, and I made it a point to give him a hard stare in return. This pissing match had already been decided, though. He quickly looked away.
“No. I will not challenge our new…master,” replied Dusk Reaper, eyes downcast. He then turned to the rest of the crowd and roared, “All glory to Dr. Death!” Yep, I was right. He was a grade-A suck-up.
There was a moment’s hesitation from the coven as a whole during which I was sure someone or someones would call me out. I knew how vampires defined fair combat, and I wouldn’t have been surprised to find myself challenged to a duel involving me against every one of the muscle heads here. Fortunately, though, to both my surprise and immense relief, slowly the crowd started to join in.
“All glory to Dr. Death.” It was soft at first, but then it gradually got louder.
Before it could get to ear splitting levels, though, a thought occurred to me. “No,” I said, holding up my hand. The coven immediately fell silent. Even Sally turned to me with a quizzical look in her eye.
“A new era begins today, and an old one ends,” I said, trying to keep any wavering from my voice. If this went on, I might have to consider taking a public speaking class. “As such, so too must the ways of old end. I thus abolish the dictate that we all take new identities within the coven. From now on, you shall be known by whatever name you wish to be known as. My name is…Bill.”
Fuck! Chalk another one up in the ever-growing list of things that sounded a lot cooler in my mind.
However, despite the lameness of my decree, once again the chant started up. This time it was, “All glory to Bill!”
Ah, yes. Lousy one-liner or not, this was much, much better.
* * *
The next few hours were actually pleasant for a change. Along with my promotion came an instant change in attitude toward me. The men were more respectful, and the women were flirtier. In case you missed that last part, the women were all flirting it up with me. I could get used to that shit.
Finally, in the wee hours, I excused myself to leave. One of the nice perks of my new position was that nobody questioned where or why I was going. I decided to enjoy the night air – I’d earned it.
Strolling leisurely, I had walked a couple of blocks when Sally caught up to me.
“So, how’s it going, master?” she said with a mock bow.
“I could definitely get used to this.”
“I thought you could.”
“Speaking of which…”
“Why did I hand credit over to you when I could have easily made myself the new leader?” she finished my question for me.
“In a nutshell.”
“Did you see some of them in there? Remember what I told you about Jeff stocking the coven with guys who were mostly just clones of himself?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, duh,” she continued. “Do you think that one of those macho assholes would have let me assume command for even a minute before challenging me?”
“You could have taken Dick Reaper.”
“Maybe. But what about the next one, and the next? I wouldn’t be able to turn around without being challenged. You, on the other hand…”
“Are, for the most part, weaker, and less experienced than you?” I mused.
“Yes, but the rest of them don’t know that. To them, you’re the fearsome Freewill. They’ll all think twice before getting in your face. And if they do…well, luckily for you, some of that bullshit we’ve been spreading around just so happens to be true.”
“I guess. Although you could have told me first rather than putting me out there with a potential target on my back.”
“Yeah, I could have, but I gotta get my fun somewhere,” she finished with a laugh.
“Fair enough,” I replied evenly. “Speaking of fun, though, that reminds me…what about my decree back there?”
“What about it?”
“Well, I’ve abolished all of our dopey little superhero names. So, what should I call you now? I believe it was Lu…something,” I said with my own laugh.
“Sally will be just fine, thank you,” she replied. “I’ve gotten used to it. But not Sunset. That has to go. Maybe I’ll just be Sally Smith, or something like that.”
“I could order you to tell me your real name. I am your lord and master, now, after all.”
/> She gave me the mother of all eye-rolls in return, and said, “You can shove your orders up your ass sideways. And as for that lord and master crap, sorry, it doesn’t fly with me.”
“No?”
“Nope,” she said sternly. “On the contrary, being that you’re still new and all, I think I’ll be calling most of the shots from behind the scenes.”
“You will?”
“Yes,” she responded with a tone of finality. “In fact, I think it might be best to think of me more as your partner than your servant.”
“And what makes you think I’ll go along with that?”
“Oh, just a little insurance,” she said, stopping to face me.
“What kind of insurance?” I asked, my curiosity piqued.
“This kind.” She pulled something out of her pocket and held it up. “Look familiar?” It did. It was Jeff’s camcorder. Contained within it was, no doubt, footage of my less than stellar fair duel with our former leader. “I figured I’d keep it as a souvenir. A little something to remind us of that day…just in case we forget,” she said, a grin spreading across her face.
I couldn’t help but laugh. Throughout everything, I had been so enamored of James’ power and so scared of Jeff’s that I hadn’t realized how much of a force Sally was to reckon with.
“You really are a bitch,” I said with a laugh.
“No,” she replied. “I’m the queen bitch…more precisely I’m your queen bitch. Don’t worry, you’ll get used to it. You have all of eternity.”
As we walked off into the night together, I had to wonder whether eternity would be long enough.
The End
Author’s Note
There’s an old saying, “Death is easy, comedy is hard.” Personally, I don’t buy it. I don’t think comedy is particularly hard at all. Why? It’s not because I think I’m some kind of comic genius. Trust me, I’m not that delusional. It’s because no matter how lame a joke you make, or how badly you deliver it, someone, somewhere, will laugh at it. There, comedy – bad comedy, but still. Horror, on the other hand, is hard. Now, I’m not talking about the ‘Jason jumps out of the bushes and you scream like a little girl’ type of horror. That’s fairly easy to do. My youngest could jump out of the shadows and get that result if he timed it right. I’m talking about true horror, the type of horror that makes you afraid to turn off the lights at night; the type of horror that makes you think, and not about good things. That’s hard, especially in written format. Of the dozens upon dozens of horror novels I’ve read in my life, I can only think of two that genuinely scared me. That’s not to say the rest were bad, far from it. But only two gave me reason to want to check under my bed before going to sleep.