Jack Pendarvis, “Sex Devil”
PERSONALS
Frank Ferri, “Selected Personals from the American Psychiatric Association’s Dating Website”
ANNOTATIONS
Jonathan Lethem, “Liner Note”
Rick Moody, “Wilkie Fahnstock, The Boxed Set”
INDEXES/TABLE OF CONTENTS
Matt Bell, “An Index of How Our Family Was Killed”
Christopher Hellwig, An Archive from the Lives of Retired Gunslingers (excerpt)
Lance Olsen, “Table of Contents”
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Michael Martone, “Acknowledgment”
BOOK-LENGTH WORKS
Kate Bernheimer, The Complete Tales of Ketzia Gold; The Complete Tales of Merry Gold
Roberto Bolano, The Savage Detectives; Nazi Literature in the Americas
Jorge Luis Borges, The Book of Imaginary Beings
Christopher Boucher, How to Keep Your Volkswagen Alive
Robert Olen Butler, Had a Good Time
A. S. Byatt, Possession
Italo Calvino, The Castle of Crossed Destinies
Mary Caponegro, The Complexities of Intimacy
Jerome Charyn, The Tar Baby
Stanley Crawford, The Log of the S. S. the Mrs. Unguentine
Stanley Crawford, Petroleum Man
Stanley Crawford, Some Instructions to My Wife Concerning the Upkeep of the House and Marriage, and to My Son and Daughter Concerning the Conduct of Their Childhood
Mark Z. Danielewski, House of Leaves; The Whalestoe Letters
Charles Duff, A Handbook on Hanging
Max Ernst, The Hundred-Headed Woman; A Week of Kindness
Richard Flanagan, Gould’s Book of Fish: A Novel in 12 Fish
Matthew Geller, Difficulty Swallowing: A Medical Chronicle
Lauren Groff, The Monsters of Templeton
Steven Hall, The Raw Shark Texts
B. S. Johnson, The Unfortunates
Michael Kimball, Dear Everybody
Sam Lipsyte, Home Land
Alison Lurie, The Truth About Lorin Jones
Kuzhali Manickavel, Insects Are Just Like You and Me Except Some of Them Have Wings
Stephen Marche, Shining at the Bottom of the Sea
Michael Martone, The Blue Guide to Indiana
Carole Maso, The Art Lover
Kevin McIlvoy, The Complete History of New Mexico
McSweeney’s, issue 17
Steven Millhauser, Edwin Mullhouse: The Life and Death of an American Writer 1943–1954 by Jeffrey Cartwright
David Mitchell, Cloud Atlas
Vladimir Nabokov, Pale Fire
Georges Perec, Life: A User’s Manual
W. G. Sebald, The Emigrants; The Rings of Saturn
Leanne Shapton, Important Artifacts and Personal Property from the Collection of Lenore Doolan and Harold Morris, Including Books, Street Fashion, and Jewelry . . .
Gilbert Sorrentino, Aberration of Starlight; Lunar Follies; Mulligan Stew
Bram Stoker, Dracula
Mark Twain, Diaries of Adam and Eve
Colson Whitehead, John Henry Days
Permissions Acknowledgments
“Disclaimer” by David Means. Used by permission of the Wylie Agency LLC. Originally published in the Paris Review. Copyright © 1997 by David Means.
“I CAN SPEAK!” by George Saunders. From In Persuasion Nation: Stories by George Saunders. Copyright © 2006 by George Saunders. Used by permission of Riverhead Books, an imprint of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.
Some Instructions to My Wife Concerning the Upkeep of the House and Marriage, and to My Son and Daughter Concerning the Conduct of Their Childhood by Stanley Crawford. Reprinted by permission of Dalkey Archive Press.
“One Thousand Words on Why You Should Not Talk During a Fire Drill” by Mark Halliday. Reprinted by permission of the author. Originally published in the North American Review.
“Problems for Self-Study” by Charles Yu. From Third Class Superhero by Charles Yu. Reprinted by permission of Harcourt, Inc. Copyright © 2006 by Charles Yu. Originally published in the Harvard Review.
“Permission Slip” by Caron A. Levis. Reprinted by permission of the author. Originally published in Fence magazine.
“How to Become a Writer” by Lorrie Moore. From Self-Help by Lorrie Moore. Copyright © 1985 by M. L. Moore. Used by permission of Alfred A. Knopf, a division of Random House, Inc.
“The Dead Sister Handbook: A Guide for Sensitive Boys” by Kevin Wilson. From Tunneling to the Center of the Earth by Kevin Wilson. Copyright © 2009 by Kevin Wilson. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers.
“Interview with a Moron” by Elizabeth Stuckey-French. Reprinted by permission of the author. Originally published in Narrative Magazine.
“Reference #388475848-5” by Amy Hempel. Reprinted with the permission of Scribner, a division of Simon & Schuster, Inc., from The Dog of the Marriage by Amy Hempel. Copyright © 2005 by Amy Hempel. All rights reserved. Originally published by The Ontario Review.
“The Explanation” from Forty Stories by Donald Barthelme. Reprinted by permission of the Wylie Agency LLC. Copyright © 1987 by Donald Barthelme.
Excerpt from Letters to Wendy’s by Joe Wenderoth. Published by Verse Press. Reprinted by permission of Wave Books and the author. Copyright © 2000.
“This Is Just to Say That I’m Tired of Sharing an Apartment with William Carlos Williams” by Laura Jayne Martin. Reprinted by permission of the author. Originally published in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency.
“Single Woman for Long Walks on the Beach” by Ron Carlson. From At the Jim Bridger by Ron Carlson. Reprinted by permission of St. Martin’s Press, LLC. Copyright © 2002 by Ron Carlson.
“My Beard, Reviewed” by Chris Bachelder. Reprinted by permission of the author. Originally published in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency.
“The Varieties of Romantic Experience: An Introduction” by Robert Cohen. Reprinted with the permission of Scribner, a division of Simon & Schuster, Inc., from The Varieties of Romantic Experience by Robert Cohen. Copyright © 2002 by Robert Cohen. All rights reserved.
“Vis à Vis Love” by Mieke Eerkens. Reprinted by permission of the author.
“Practice Problem” by Joseph Salvatore. Reprinted with the permission of The Permissions Company, Inc. on behalf of BOA Editions Ltd., www.boaeditions.org, from To Assume a Pleasing Shape. Copyright © 2011 by Joseph Salvatore.
“Officers Weep” by Daniel Orozco. From Orientation: And Other Stories by Daniel Orozco. Copyright © 2011 by Daniel Orozco. Reprinted by permission of Faber and Faber, Inc., an affiliate of Farrar, Straus, and Giroux, LLC.
“Subtotals” by Greg Burnham. Reprinted by permission of the author. Originally published in Harper’s.
“Our Spring Catalog” by Jack Pendarvis. Originally appeared in Mysterious Secret of the Valuable Treasure: Curious Stories by Jack Pendarvis, MacAdam Cage.
“Reply All” by Robin Hemley. Copyright © 2004 Robin Hemley. Reprinted by permission of Indiana University Press.
“Chaucer Tweets the South by Southwest Festival” by Kari Anne Roy. Reprinted by permission of the author. Originally published in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency.
“Iconographic Conventions of Pre- and Early Renaissance: Italian Representations of the Flagellation of Christ” by Rachel B. Glaser. Reprinted by permission of the author. Originally appeared in Pee on Water.
“The Human Side of Instrumental Transcommunication” by Wendy Brenner. Reprinted by permission of Algonquin Books of Chapel Hill, from Phone Calls from the Dead by Wendy Brenner. Copyright © 2001 by Wendy Brenner. All rights reserved.
“Class Notes” by Lucas Cooper. First published in Sudden Fiction by Gibbs Smith, copyright © 1986.
“Dear Stephen Hawking” by Samantha Hunt. Reprinted by permission of the author. Originally published in Manual, or, The Lives of Famous Men.
“National Treasures” by Charles McLeod. From National Treasures by Charles M
cLeod, published by Vintage Books. Reprinted by permission of The Random House Group Ltd.
“Discarded Notions” by Matthew Williamson. Reprinted by permission of the author. Originally appeared in Gulf Coast: A Journal of Literature and Fine Arts.
“Star Lake Letters” by Arda Collins. Reprinted by permission of the author. Originally published in Ghost Town.
“Life Story” by David Shields. Reprinted by permission of the author. Originally published in Remote, Knopf.
“Instructions for Extinction” by Melanie Rae Thon. Reprinted by permission of Houghton Mifflin Harcourt Publishing company, from Sweet Hearts by Melanie Rae Thon. Copyright © 2000 by Melanie Rae Thon. All rights reserved.
“Will & Testament” by Matthew Vollmer. Reprinted by permission of the author. Originally appeared in Future Missionaries of America: Stories, Salt Publishing.
“Letter to a Funeral Parlor” by Lydia Davis. From The Collected Stories of Lydia Davis by Lydia Davis. Copyright © 2009 by Lydia Davis. Reprinted by permission of Faber and Faber, Inc., an affiliate of Farrar, Straus, and Giroux, LLC.
“Acknowledgments” by Paul Theroux. Copyright © 1979, 1980 by Paul Theroux. Used by permission of the Wylie Agency LLC.
“Primary Sources” by Rick Moody. From The Ring of Brightest Angels Around Heaven by Rick Moody. Copyright © 1992, 1993 by Rick Moody. Reprinted by permission of Little, Brown and Company and Melanie Jackson Agency, LLC. All rights reserved.
“Contributor’s Note” by Michael Martone. Reprinted by the permission of the author. Originally published in Harper’s.
“The Year’s Best Fiction 2008: The Authors Speak” by J. Robert Lennon. Reprinted by permission of the author. Originally published in Epoch, May 2009.
“About the Typefaces Not Used in This Edition” by Jonathan Safran Foer. Reprinted by permission of the author. Originally published in The Paris Review.
“The Index” by J. G. Ballard. From The Complete Short Stories of J. G. Ballard by J. G. Ballard. Copyright © 2001. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers Ltd.
Copyright © 2012 by David Shields and Matthew Vollmer
All rights reserved
First Edition
For information about special discounts for bulk purchases, please contact
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Book design by Ellen Cipriano
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Fakes : an anthology of pseudo-interviews, faux-lectures,
quasi-letters, “found” texts, and other fraudulent artifacts / edited
by David Shields and Matthew Vollmer. — 1st ed.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references and index.
ISBN 978-0-393-34195-9 (pbk.)
1. American prose literature—21st century. 2. Creative nonfiction.
3. Counterfeits and counterfeiting in literature. 4. Found objects (Art)
I. Shields, David, 1956– II. Vollmer, Matthew.
PS659.2.F35 2012
818'.609—dc23
2012013070
eISBN: 978-0-393-34606-0
W. W. Norton & Company, Inc.
500 Fifth Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10110
www.wwnorton.com
W. W. Norton & Company Ltd.
Castle House, 75/76 Wells Street, London W1T 3QT
1234567890
1 By the time the reader receives these documents, the undersigned will have already have been dead for some hours. Though the undersigned has taken some necessary precautions to prevent body spoilage, the reader should act quickly so that the last wishes of the undersigned might be met.
2 The undersigned has decided to eschew the tradition of referring to a female executor as “executrix.” Therefore, as the undersigned uses it, “executor” should remain neutral.
3 The reader should also know that the undersigned is composing this in between answering phones, making copies, addressing envelopes, and entering data concerning the promotional materials of the A. J. Forsythe investment firm, and while the cube in which he works seems an appropriate environment for the last day of his life (photos of a dog, a boy, and a party which are not his, a half-eaten chocolate bunny in the top desk drawer, and a placard, slapped on the forehead of his monitor, that reads SPOILED ROTTEN!), it is not the best environment in which to compose, and the document may be riddled with errors and inaccuracies. Hence, the undersigned begs the reader’s pardon should these last wishes be untranslatable.
4 Guilt, the undersigned believes, is for the damned.
5 Executor will find supplies, as well as wardrobe (which can be either worn by executor or donated to Goodwill), in bedroom closet of the deceased.
6 In the event that Mr. Charles Christopher refuses to make good on his word, the deceased’s body, fully intact, should be delivered to the nearest medical-research facility. In this case, Mr. Christopher shall not receive said antique Ouija board, regardless of how much begging Mr. Christopher performs, and the board shall be ceremoniously set aflame.
7 “Arrangements” here simply means that the undersigned spoke with the biology teacher, Mr. Eric Yancey, who led the undersigned to believe that, after death, his bones would be welcome, if they were thoroughly sanitized and disinfected—though he could make no promises.
8 See schematic no. 1 on page 2 of a notebook, which will hereafter be referred to as the “Appendix,” and which can be found inside the aforementioned locker in Terminal D of the LaGuardia Airport.
9 The addresses of these women, who have most likely forgotten the undersigned, are available on page 3 of the Appendix.
10 Names and addresses of said companies available on page 6 of Appendix. Vials can be found in the fridge of the undersigned’s apartment.
11 This box, measuring 8 x 8 inches, which he purchased for an unbeatable price at Box Town, can be found in the top cupboard of the undersigned’s apartment, above the stove on the right-hand side.
12 See Section IV.A, in which Ms. Davis’s voice is put to good use.
13 Or was made to swallow, as the undersigned’s sister is wont to believe.
14 E.g., does this tie match these slacks?, will it rain today?, and, will X call me back?
15 Ms. Gonzalez should know that, ideally, should she accept the collection, Dusty Springfield’s Dusty in Memphis and Schubert’s Winterreise might be played—alternately—on the thirtieth of October, the anniversary of the undersigned’s death.
16 Obviously, this would be done before the lamps are delivered to the ten women.
17 The undersigned has kept a list of persons who share the same name, or a slight variation thereof. This list occurs on page 12 of the Appendix.
18 The names of the acquaintances appear on the backs of the photos. Addresses appear on page 13 of the Appendix.
19 The undersigned’s mother, coincidentally, died of kidney failure before he was old enough to remember, in any organic way, her face.
20 The apartment, though quite small, boasts a view of the avenue, and if the executor looks closely, s/he will find constellations of the undersigned’s fingerprints upon the sliding glass door. Though the undersigned knows no view can save us (we must save ourselves, be saved by others, or, if the executor believes in God, be saved by her/his God), he endorses said window as a place for contemplation. In fact, the undersigned stood there when the idea of this will and testament struck him, just as he stood there when he opened the Manhattan phone book and began to recite the names of potential executors, and as he leaned his head against the cool pane, he imagined the potential executor entering the apartment. He imagined this executor startled by the lack of furniture, the sweet, slightly sour odor of garbage—imagined the executor drawn toward the portable radio beside the window, a radio which will have been purposely left on as a kind of hospitable gesture, a kind of “welcome home” for the executor. The executor, of course,
can turn the radio off, as said radio will be, most likely, playing a song the executor has heard before. The undersigned expects that the executor is someone who, like himself, has heard it all. However, the undersigned hopes, and indeed believes, that the executor will keep on singing. The executor, he expects, will have a beautiful voice, as all voices are beautiful when singing—especially if they sing, as the undersigned thinks the executor might, slightly off-key. Perhaps, the undersigned thinks, he will hear this same voice when he descends this evening into the streets, on the way to his unmarked tomb, where his body will exhale its last breath and begin to fade.
1 BORN October 18, 1961, in N.Y.C. Childhood pretty uneventful. We moved to the suburbs. I always read a lot. I did some kid stuff, but mostly I read. So this sketchy and selective bibliography—this list of some of the books I have around the house now—is really an autobiography.
2 Art instructor at St. Paul’s School when I was there (1975–79). Abbe was an older, forgetful guy when I met him. He was in his late sixties, probably. He lived alone in an apartment above the infirmary at S.P.S. His studio had burned down years before, taking a lot of his paintings, and I believe this accounted for the halo of sadness around him. He could be infectiously happy, though. His house was full of jukeboxes, dolls, and electrical toys. Games of every kind. One time I showed him my Sgt. Pepper picture disk—remember those collector’s gimmicks which revolutionized the LP for a few minutes in the seventies? The famous jacket art was printed on the vinyl. Abbe laughed for a good long time over that. He sat in the old armchair in my room, the one with the stuffing coming out of it, and laughed. He loved that kind of thing. He had a lot of Elvis on his jukeboxes.
Fakes: An Anthology of Pseudo-Interviews, Faux-Lectures, Quasi-Letters, Found Texts, and Other Fraudulent Artifacts Page 28