by Penny Jordan
She already knew the answer to that. Lewis had hurt her far too badly for her ever to want to risk suffering that kind of pain again.
Or was it more because no man whom she had met in the years since he had left her had ever come close to arousing within her the emotions which he had so easily touched than because she was afraid of allowing herself to love another man?
There was no room in her life for such immature introspection, she told herself sharply. That kind of self-indulgence was for teenagers, for young women of her daughter’s age. Women of her maturity were far too sensible and far too busy to waste time dwelling on their emotions.
Or were they? Was it more that she had never allowed herself to dwell on hers because she was too frightened of what she might have to confront?
Jessica’s probing questions last night about the way she lived her life, plus the shock of seeing Lewis, were having a most unwelcome effect on her—one that could surely be best banished by some hard work and a much firmer control on her treacherous thoughts.
She was meeting Ian at the hospital at two o’clock. It was eleven now and she had promised herself that this morning she would attack the greenfly on her precious roses.
Her small house did not have a large garden, but it was blessed by an enclosing brick wall, against which over the years she had lovingly trained a variety of scented old-fashioned roses.
Beneath them were borders of mixed traditional cottage garden plants—peonies, hollyhocks, delphiniums, forget-me-nots, which seeded themselves and ran half-wild, aquileas, which did the same thing, producing their pretty pink and white flowers, and catmint, which was invariably flattened by next door’s fat ginger tom-cat whom she hadn’t the heart to evict from his favourite patch of the scented plant.
Treating the roses for greenfly was a laborious business, especially in these ecology-conscious days, and there wasn’t going to be time to complete the task before she had to leave for the hospital, which meant she would have to tackle the housework instead.
With a wistful glance at the sunny garden, she headed for the stairs to strip Jessica’s bed.
The first thing she saw when she walked into the room was Jessica’s old teddy bear sitting on top of the chest of drawers.
She had bought the bear for Jessica before she was born. She went over to the chest and picked up the bear, absently smoothing its worn fur, her eyes dark with shadows.
It had been a cold wet day, she remembered, her mouth twisting a little bitterly at the ease with which she recalled every detail of that particular day.
It had been the day the letter had arrived from Lewis’s solicitors, setting out the formal terms of their divorce. The divorce that even then she had desperately hoped would never happen; that letter with its cold, formal prose, its heavy underlining of Lewis’s desire to cut himself completely free of her. He was giving her the house, the car, the entire contents of their savings account; Lewis, unlike her, had had a moneyed background; his maternal grandparents had left him money, and it had been with this money that he had bought their pretty house and set up a business in partnership with a colleague as independent insurance brokers.
There would be money coming to her from the business…she need not fear she would suffer financially from the divorce—that was what he had told her that shocking day when he had walked in and told her that he wanted their marriage brought to an end.
With hindsight she recognised that there had been something wrong for some time; that he had been quiet, withdrawn from her at times; but she had assumed that it was just the pressure of setting up the new business, and she had been so young, so much still a very new wife, that she had resolutely told herself that she was being over-sensitive, that marriage could not forever be one long honeymoon, that of course there were bound to be times when all might not seem perfect; and then had come the bombshell…the discovery that Lewis didn’t love her any more…didn’t want her any more…that there was someone else and that he wanted his freedom.
She could have fought the divorce, could have made him wait out the statutory period, but her pride would never have allowed her to do that…and as for his money…
She had allowed her solicitor to accept half the value of the house and no more, and then she had told him that she intended to move right away from the area and make a fresh start somewhere else.
It had been on her first trip here that she had bought the bear.
She had had to change trains at Birmingham. There had been a two-hour wait for her connection. She had walked out of the station into the busy, wet city streets, feeling as though her whole life had come to an end, as though there were no point in even thinking about going on.
Coming towards her down the wet road she had seen a bus, lumbering slowly closer as it picked up speed.
She could recall with complete clarity even now the sharp clearness of her brain and its processes—of assessing the speed of the bus, of knowing that all she had to do was to step out into the street in front of it and there would be no more pain, no more anguish, no more loneliness…no more anything.
She had walked to the edge of the kerb; she had stepped forward; she had even taken a step out into the street, when suddenly for the first time she had felt her baby kick.
She had covered her stomach with both hands, an immediate, instinctively protective, wondering gesture, shock, joy and the most bitter-sweet sharp pain she had ever known coalescing inside her.
Someone had touched her arm then, another woman, chiding her warningly, ‘Better watch the traffic duck. These bus drivers…’
And the moment of crisis was over; she was safely back on the pavement, shaking, feeling sick, tears pricking her eyes, but alive…and, more important, her baby was alive as well.
It had been then that she had bought the bear.
She realised suddenly that its worn fur was damp, coming abruptly out of the past to the angry realisation that she was crying again.
Mid-life blues, she taunted herself, ignoring the evidence of Jessica’s full-length mirror which denied that her still very youthful and slender figure showed any signs of becoming middle-aged.
She had come up here to strip the bed, not to dwell with maudlin self-pity on the past, she reminded herself as she pulled back the duvet and very firmly put the bear back where he belonged.
At one o’clock she started to get ready for her meeting with Ian, dressing carefully in a plain navy dress enlivened with a pretty white shawlcollar, and pair of plain, elegant navy blue pumps.
It was all very well for Jessica to complain that her mother’s wardrobe needed jazzing up and that she was far too young and pretty to wear such consistently dull colours: she liked classic clothes made in classic styles.
A final check of her make-up confirmed that the elegant and discreet toffees and peaches of her eyeshadow added just the right degree of emphasis to her eyes; her mouth as always caused her to pause and wince a little. Not even the most discreet and pale lipstick could disguise its fullness…its—
‘You really have the most wonderful mouth. Just made for kissing. Just made for this…’
She swallowed hard. Lewis had said those words to her the night he’d proposed, whispering the compliments in between light decorous kisses which had very quickly become less light and far from decorous. She shuddered deeply, only just managing to restrain herself from actually touching her mouth, the taste of him, the memory of him so very, very sharp and clear. She had been almost totally sexually inexperienced when she and Lewis had met.
He had been her first lover…her only lover, she reminded herself drily. The general mood of the sixties seemed to have passed her by. She had certainly never experienced the urge of those of her peers who had thrown themselves into sampling all the pleasures of the so-called sexual revolution, but then more recently in conversations with her women friends she had learned that the majority of them had also married their first lover, giving rise, in some cases, to the good-humoured complaint th
at there had been times—especially when their families were young and their husbands busy—when they had wondered if they had somehow missed out on life.
A different, more health-conscious approach to life had brought a different set of attitudes and values, and, as Jessica had already told her with the seriousness and confidence of extreme youth, when she eventually made love it would only be with someone whose sexual history allowed her to feel safe with him.
Jessica was one of a new breed of young women who considered a career and financial independence to be the main goals of their life: marriage and a family were things that could be put on hold until these goals were achieved. Certainly with the soaring divorce rate it seemed a sensible plan. But love…emotions—could these really be summoned at will when one had decided that the time was right to admit them into one’s life? Lacey was not so sure. Or was it simply that she lacked will-power…that there was something missing in her make-up that had made it impossible for her to ever really forget Lewis…to ever really forget the pain he had caused her?
It might have helped her had she been able to hate him, to direct the corrosive power of bitterness and hatred into destroying her love, but that weapon had been denied her and the terrible anguish of all her pain had been turned against herself rather than against him.
With time she had learned to tell herself that it was not her fault that he had ceased to love her; that it was not through some lack in her that he had turned to another woman; that these things happened; that they were an everyday occurrence and not something that marked her out as a pariah, a leper, a person who had failed at one of life’s most important relationships. So Lewis had stopped loving her and she had been hurt…very badly hurt. Life had to go on, and somehow she had made it go on, but the scars were still there. Her fault, not his, as she had told herself over and over again down the years. Perhaps it was because she had been so young, so alone, so idealistic, so dependent almost on his love and approval that she had suffered so desperately when they were removed. Had she had more self-worth, more sense of her own special individuality, more awareness and selfrespect, things might have been different, she might have been different. Looking back, she saw herself as weak and destructive as a clinging vine, looking to Lewis to provide every motivation within her life, slowly choking him with the intensity of her love. Was it really any wonder that he had turned away from her?
She had been determined not to swamp her daughter in the same way, scrupulously ensuring that Jessica grew up without the hindrance of a clinging, obsessive mother. No matter how much it had hurt her at times, she had always actively encouraged her daughter to be independent, to be her own person. She valued the love that existed between them, but she did not delude herself. Jessica was slowly growing away from her, slowly beginning to take her own place in the adult world.
Perhaps Jessica was right…perhaps it was time for her to think about her own future.
And to do what? To marry someone like Tony or Ian…a man she might like but whom she could never love, simply to avoid the loneliness of old age? Wasn’t that just as pathetic and selfish as her absorbed, intensive love for Lewis? No, she was better on her own. Safer.
She checked, uncomfortable with the word which had slipped so betrayingly into her mind. What need had she for safety these days? The pain of the past was a long time behind her now. She wasn’t that same girl any more. She was a woman now…a woman who was firmly in control of her own life, her own destiny. So what if Lewis had by some unfortunate coincidence appeared in her part of the world? He obviously hadn’t recognised her; there was very little chance of her running into him a second time.
Perhaps not, but she knew it was that brief, shocking sight of him which was responsible for today’s introspective mood, for the shadows that showed in her eyes and skin, for the pain that lurked within her, waiting for her to relax her guard.
She gave a tiny shiver as she let herself out of the house. She had things to do, a life to live, and she had promised little Michael that she would call round to see him later on this afternoon.
If she had one secret regret it was that she had not had more children. There was something so special, so magical and humbling about the knowledge that the physical expression of one’s love had led to the creation of a child…
She got into her car and started the engine. It was high time she put those kinds of thoughts very firmly behind her, and yet, as Jessica had reminded her, at thirty-eight she was still young enough to have another child.
Another child…Her hands gripped the steering-wheel. First she would have to find herself a lover…a lover, not a potential father for her unborn child. A lover—the very last thing she wanted or needed in her life. What on earth was the matter with her? Was it just her conversation with Jessica which was having such an unsettling effect on her, or was it something more than that…something to do with that disturbing sighting of Lewis…with her dreams…the emotions…the needs that continued to haunt her, no matter how much she tried to deny them?
She knew it was only because Lewis had been her only lover that those embarrassing and erotic dreams that sometimes tormented her sleep should always portray him as her partner, and that in all reality their lovemaking had probably never really been quite as intense, as passionate, as fulfilling as her dreams suggested, and yet she also knew that it was those same dreams that strengthened her unwillingness to allow another man into her life; that it was those dreams, those memories that prevented her from allowing herself to find a quieter, gentler, safer happiness with another man.
It was only when she reached the roundabout close to the hospital that she recognised with a guilty start that she had driven right across town so wrapped up in her thoughts that she wasn’t really aware of having done so.
It was exactly two o’clock as she walked into the hospital and told the smiling receptionist that she had an appointment with Dr Hanson.
‘Yes, of course, Mrs Robinson. I’ll just let him know that you’re here.’
Over the years Lacey had grown accustomed to people mistakenly addressing her as Mrs Robinson. Her reversion to her maiden name had been an instinctive gesture of revulsion against retaining anything given to her by Lewis, and, although at first she had been quick to correct people and tell them that it was Miss Robinson, these days she had ceased to bother. Correction tended to disconcert or confuse them more than their mistake concerned her.
She turned away while the girl used the intercom, and then turned back to the desk when she heard her saying, ‘If you’d just like to go down to Dr Hanson’s office…’
Having thanked her and confirmed that she knew the way, Lacey set off down the corridor.
She had to pass the maternity ward on the way to Ian’s office, and through the open doors she heard the mewling cry of the new born. Her insides clenched on that familiar, never forgotten mixture of anxiety and love. It didn’t seem possible that it was over nineteen years since Jessica’s birth. She remembered how thrilled she had been when they had told her that she had a daughter, how proud…how…how elated almost, and then later had come the panic, the depression, the tears, and the miserable desolation of knowing that she was alone in her joy, that for her there was no partner to share in the happiness of their child’s birth.
The nurses had been wonderful, and luckily she had overcome her depression.
She realised that she had stopped outside the ward. Sighing to herself, she shook her head and forced herself to continue down the corridor.
The door to Ian’s office was closed. She knocked briefly on it out of politeness and then opened it and walked in.
She had expected to find Ian on his own, but it wasn’t the shock of realisation that someone else was with him that stopped her in her tracks; it was the discovery that the other man in his office was none other than Lewis.
Lewis…here in Ian’s office. Her whole body felt heavy and cumbersome, unable to respond to the sluggish commands of her brain, and yet at
the same time her stomach was churning, her metabolism racing so frantically out of control that she was afraid she might literally be sick where she stood.
Ian, apparently oblivious to her shocked distress, was smiling at her, coming over to stand beside her and put a friendly arm around her shoulders as he said warmly, ‘Lewis, I’d like you to meet a very good friend of mine: Lacey Robinson. Lacey has been the main motivator behind the appeal. She’s worked far harder than the rest of us put together.’
Ian gave her a fond smile.
‘Did Jessica get off all right this morning? A pity that she couldn’t stay on a bit longer. Still, it’s her first year and she won’t want to miss out on any of her tutorials. Jessica is Lacey’s daughter,’ Lacey heard him explaining to Lewis. ‘I must admit I still find it hart to believe that Lacey is the mother of a university student.’
Lacey could feel her face beginning to burn with a mixture of shock and anxiety. She couldn’t bring herself to look at her exhusband…couldn’t endure the contempt and disinterest she knew would be in his eyes. She knew that Ian was only meaning to flatter her, that he genuinely did believe she looked much younger than her thirty-eight years; that he genuinely did find it difficult to believe that she was Jessica’s mother; but that didn’t stop her from feeling hideously embarrassed as though she were one of those women who made a point of telling everyone within earshot that she had been a child bride, and that they and their daughters were more like sisters really. That kind of thing had always made her squirm and feel acutely sorry for the poor unfortunate daughters, who in some way were almost never allowed to grow up to maturity, who always seemed to be held back by their mothers’ determinedly clutching on to ‘youth’, who were never quite as pretty or as popular as their mothers had been at their age—and yet stubbornly she refused to open her mouth and make any disclaimer. After all, why should she feel any need to justify herself in any way to Lewis?