“Now you!” Daddy handed me a box wrapped in gold and blue, with a big gold bow. “Open this first. It’s from Emma and me.”
I tore away the wrappings and opened the box. A beautiful blue sweater with a matching hat and gloves lay inside.
“They’re really pretty. Thank you.”
“Now this one.” Daddy handed me an even bigger box wrapped in green with a red bow.
“What is it?” I asked, taking the box.
“No clues!” Daddy said. Emma laughed.
“I love it!” It was a purple parka coat with white fur around the hood. “Thank you!”
I ran to hug Daddy, then hugged Emma, too. It was the best Christmas I’d ever had.
“Wait,” Emma said, winking at Daddy. “I think there’s one more.”
She pulled a smaller box from behind her, this one wrapped in red, and handed it to me. “I hope you like it.”
I held the box for a minute, feeling its shape, wondering and then hoping. Finally, I tore away the paper and shrieked.
“The Traveling Pants books! All four of them! Oh, wow! That’s . . . you’re the best, Emma!”
I hugged her tight, felt her tears plop down on my head. Then I hugged Daddy, too. It really was the best Christmas ever.
I tore away the plastic wrap, pulled the books from the box, and immediately opened book two.
“Hey, you!” Daddy’s voice interrupted me. “It’s not time to start reading yet. There’s another present here. This one is for Emma.”
But she was holding a present out to him, too. He looked surprised, then took the package and smiled.
“You didn’t need to get me anything,” he said.
“I know.” She kissed him. “But I wanted to.”
He tore away the gift wrap and a grin spread across his face.
“How did you know I liked Edgar Allan Poe?”
“You told me once it was the only thing you liked in high school.”
He rose and hugged her. “Thank you, Emma. I love it. I love that you remembered that.”
He opened the book and read something written on the first page, smiling.
“No reading yet!” I called out. “If I can’t start reading, you can’t, either.”
“Okay!” Daddy laid the book aside and handed Emma a small box, wrapped in silver with a pink bow.
“For me?” She took the box and held it for a minute, just staring at it. Her cheeks were pink and her eyes sparkled. Then she carefully pulled the wrapping paper off to reveal a small jewelry box.
For just a second, she paused, staring at him. And I let myself think, in that second, that he’d bought her a ring, that maybe they would get married, that Emma would be my mom forever. I swallowed hard.
She opened the box and pulled out a heart-shaped locket made of silver. My heart sank, my eyes stung, a huge lump rose in my throat.
“Oh, Brannon,” Emma said, her voice shaking. “It’s beautiful.”
“It’s inscribed,” he said, turning the locket over.
“Brannon and Emma, Jenny and Andrew.” Her voice was so soft I could hardly hear her.
I opened my mouth to ask who Andrew was, but they were kissing now and I had to look away. When I looked back, Daddy was smiling at me over Emma’s shoulder. Then he raised one finger to his lips as if to shush me and winked. I tried to smile back, but I felt like throwing up.
Because I knew then what I didn’t want to know. Emma wasn’t different from Jackie or Trish or Cara or Ami or any of the others. At least she wasn’t different to Daddy. He’d given her the same gift he’d given each of them in turn.
Emma wouldn’t stay. None of them ever stayed.
16
Emma
We celebrated the new year with the Johnsons and a few other families from the campground. We all rented rooms at the Holiday Inn Express, ate dinner together, and then the kids played in the pool. The staff even kept the pool open until midnight for us.
I sat in a lounge chair, watching Brannon laugh in the hot tub with a young woman who worked at Amazon. She was pretty, with long jet-black hair and flashing dark eyes. I watched as she touched his shoulder, laughing at something he’d said.
“You okay?”
Angel plopped down into a chair beside me, dripping from the pool.
“Yeah,” I said.
She followed my eyes and took my hand. “I think he’s crazy about you.”
I smiled at her. “I hope so.”
“Why don’t you put on your suit and go in?”
I shook my head. “I’m crampy and bloated and I feel like I’m going to start my period any minute. Plus, my boobs hurt.”
I wrapped my arms across my chest, still watching Brannon and the woman.
“Could you be pregnant?”
I shook my head again. “No, I’m just PMS-ing. We always use a condom.”
“Well,” she said, eyeing the woman in the hot tub, “I wouldn’t worry about her. She’s not his type.”
I raised my eyebrows.
“Seriously, she’s got kind of a hard edge,” Angel said. “From what I’ve seen, she’s not Brannon’s type.”
“Where I’m from, we’d say she looks like she’s been rode hard and put up wet.” I said it without thinking, and immediately felt bad. I didn’t know anything about the woman, after all.
Angel laughed. “I think that’s a pretty good description.”
She stood and yelled at the pool, “Lashaundra, you stay close to your brother!”
I smiled, watching her. She was a good mom.
“Can I ask you something?” I said as she sat back down.
“Shoot,” she said.
“What was Jackie like?”
She paused for a long minute, then said, “She was nice, friendly. She joked around a lot, teased Brannon something awful. We liked her. She was good with Jenny.”
“Do you think Brannon loved her?” I glanced back toward the hot tub, where the dark-haired woman was standing, squeezing water from her hair. She wore a tiny string bikini, and her breasts were just level with Brannon’s eyes.
Another long pause.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I don’t mean to put you in an awkward spot.”
“It’s okay.” She turned to look at me and smiled again. “I don’t know if he loved her or not. They seemed happy, but . . . well, she’s not here, is she?”
“She left him for another guy.”
Her eyes widened; her mouth opened and then closed.
“I . . . really?”
I nodded. “Brannon said she got a job at a gas station and fell for the man who owned it.”
Angel shook her head. “I can’t believe that,” she said softly. “She was crazy about Brannon, and about Jenny. I don’t remember her working anywhere.”
We sat in silence for a while, then Angel said, “But we weren’t really close or anything. I mean, I didn’t know everything about her, obviously.”
She touched my hand, then took it and squeezed it hard.
“I think Brannon is crazy about you. And I think Jenny is, too. What’s past is past. Let it rest.”
I nodded and squeezed her hand back. “I know. I’m just . . . I’m PMS-ing, like I said. It makes me think crazy things.”
“Like worrying about that rode-hard woman?” She grinned and winked. “I understand, I get that way sometimes, too. But deep down, I know Michael would never cheat on me.”
We both turned to watch as her husband swam toward Lashaundra and Malcolm, surfacing just in front of them and splashing them both.
“Yeah,” I said. “Michael is a keeper.”
Long after midnight, Brannon and I climbed into bed. In the bed next to us, Lashaundra and Jenny were already asleep. I knew Malcolm was staying the night with a friend. We tried to trade off with the kids, those of us who lived in the trailer park, giving each other time alone. There’s not much privacy when you live in a trailer, after all.
“Did you have fun tonight?” I asked,
resting my head on his chest.
“I’d have had a lot more fun if we’d just stayed here in the room.”
He wrapped his arms around me and kissed my forehead.
“We could still have some fun,” he whispered. “They’re out for the night.” He nodded at the bed where the girls slept.
“I have cramps,” I said. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s all good, babe.”
He kissed me and turned out the light. Within minutes, he was snoring with his back to me.
I lay awake, staring at the dark, listening to Brannon snore, and wondering at how far away I was from everyone and everything I’d ever known.
It was the start of a new year, and it felt like the start of a whole new life, somehow.
After a while, I rose cautiously and went to the bathroom—still no sign of my period. I stared at myself in the mirror and wondered about my mother and Clarissa. Were they okay? Was Clarissa already married off to some old man? For a brief instant I thought about calling them, but the thought went by as quickly as it came. As much as I missed them, as much as I wanted to know they were okay, I couldn’t bring myself to call. I still couldn’t risk Micah knowing where I was. Even all these years later, he scared the hell out of me.
I tiptoed back into the room and knelt by the bed. Officially, I had left the church. I had left the church. But sometimes it felt like the church hadn’t ever really left me. Part of me still wanted to talk to God, to believe there was a God, to believe I mattered to God. I would never admit it to anyone, but I still prayed a lot. And I thought about my mother and my sisters every single day.
Dear God, please take care of Mama and Clarissa and Elizabeth and all of them. And please bless Brannon and Jenny and Angel and Michael and Lashaundra and Malcolm and Resa. And please, God, if you have an extra minute, please let everything be okay with me and Brannon. Thank you, Lord. Amen.
I climbed back into bed and winced at the weight of the blankets against my breasts. Maybe I would pick up a pregnancy test at the pharmacy this week. Just to be sure.
Two days later, I left Jenny with the Johnsons and drove to the nearby drugstore, glancing around to make sure no one saw me as I stood before the array of test kits.
“Excuse me?” I said as the pharmacist walked by. “Do you know which of these is the most reliable?”
“They’re all pretty much the same,” the woman said, smiling at me. “Basically, you pee on the stick and watch to see what color the stick turns. It’s pretty simple.”
I picked up a box and handed it to her. She smiled again and rang up the purchase.
“Are you excited?” she asked, handing me my bag.
“Um, yeah,” I murmured. In reality, I was more scared than anything.
“Well, good luck,” the pharmacist said. “And you have a blessed day.”
I stared at her stupidly for just an instant, then stammered, “Thanks, you too.”
This was a Southern thing, for sure. Even in Colorado City, people didn’t tell complete strangers to have a blessed day. Still, it made me smile a little.
I drove back to the trailer and locked the door behind me. Brannon was asleep and Jenny was still next door with Lashaundra.
As quietly as I could, I closed the bathroom door. I felt like I should pray, but I wasn’t sure what I would even pray for. So I just said, “Please, God.” That’s all.
I sat in the tiny bathroom staring at the test stick while the color slowly changed from white to blue. I checked the stick against the picture on the box and then checked again—definitely blue.
My mind seemed to spin in a thousand directions at once. I was pregnant . . . again. I was pregnant with Brannon’s baby, a baby I desperately wanted. But what would Brannon say? We’d never even talked about having kids.
I wrapped my arms around my stomach and rocked back and forth, watching snow fall outside the small window. And I let myself hope that it would be okay. Brannon was great with Jenny, after all. Hell, he was probably the world’s best dad. Surely he would love this baby, too.
I patted my belly and smiled at the thought of the tiny life growing inside.
“Don’t worry, little baby,” I whispered. “Mama is here and I will always protect you and I will always love you, no matter what.”
A banging at the trailer door startled me to my feet. Shoving the test kit back into the box, I buried it deep in my purse. Then I put my purse in the drawer under the sink and went to let Jenny and Lashaundra inside, out of the cold.
17
Jenny
I was sitting in the trailer doing schoolwork when I heard a banging on the door. Emma opened it, and Lashaundra ran inside, grinning.
“Daddy got a job!” She grabbed my hands and pulled me to my feet, hugging me tightly. “We get to stay here, in one place. And Mama says we’ll get an apartment and I’ll go to school and everything!”
“Really?” I pulled back to stare at her. “You’re gonna stay here?”
She nodded, her eyes sparkling with tears. “And I’ll have my own room and maybe we’re even gonna get a dog!”
“That’s wonderful!” Emma smiled at her.
“Yeah,” I said. I was trying really hard to be happy for my friend.
“Maybe your dad will get one, too,” she said, nodding as if that would make it so. “Daddy said they’re hiring a few people.”
“Do you think so?” I turned to Emma. She smiled and shrugged her shoulders.
“Maybe,” she said. “I hope so.”
When Daddy got home the next morning, Emma and I were both waiting to hear if he, too, had been offered a permanent job.
“Hey, here are my favorite girls.” He kissed my forehead and then Emma’s. “You’re up early.”
“Lashaundra’s dad got a permanent job,” I said, watching him closely.
“I know,” he said, smiling. “He’s pretty happy about it.”
I looked at him, waiting. He took off his jacket and sat at the table. “Do we have any orange juice?” he asked, looking at Emma.
She nodded and took a bottle from the fridge. She didn’t say anything, but I could see her eyes were watery just like mine. Daddy hadn’t been offered a permanent job. Soon, maybe next week even, we’d move on.
“Hey,” Daddy said, smiling at me. “Why are you so gloomy?”
“I’m not,” I said, trying to smile back.
“Were you hoping we’d stay, too?”
“No, Daddy. It’s okay. Florida will be fun.”
“That’s my girl.” He leaned back in his seat and took a long drink of juice.
“Do you want some eggs?” Emma’s voice was soft.
“That would be great, babe. Maybe scrambled with some cheese and onions?”
She nodded and opened the fridge again.
“Babe?” Daddy was watching her back. “You okay?”
“Sure,” she said, turning toward him. “I’m fine.”
After Daddy had his eggs and was asleep, I walked to Lashaundra’s and knocked on the door. She answered immediately, but she didn’t look me in the eye.
“Daddy didn’t get a job,” I said, shrugging off my coat.
“But . . .” Lashaundra began.
Mrs. Johnson hugged me lightly. “It’s okay, Jenny,” she said. “There will be other jobs.”
“But, Mama,” Lashaundra began again.
I looked up just in time to see Mrs. Johnson shake her head firmly.
“Why don’t you girls go check on the laundry,” she said. “It should be about time to move it to the dryer.”
I put my parka back on and Lashaundra put on her coat.
“Can I go?” Malcolm asked.
“No, baby,” Mrs. Johnson said. “You’re going to stay here and help Mama snap green beans.”
We ran to the laundry building, our breath puffing in the cold air. “I’m sorry,” I said, as we closed the door behind us. “I wish we could stay, too.”
“You could,” she said. “Your dad go
t offered a job, too. But he turned it down.”
I stared at her, my mouth hanging open like an idiot’s.
“It’s true!” she continued, her voice rising. “Daddy said Mr. Parker offered your dad a job, and he turned it down.”
I shook my head. “That can’t be right. Daddy said he didn’t get a job.”
She took my hands. “I’m not lying,” she insisted. “That’s what Daddy said. Your dad told Mr. Parker he already had a job lined up in Florida. And he told my dad he didn’t want to stay in Kentucky. Mama told me not to tell you.”
She stopped abruptly and dropped her eyes. “She said not to tell you. But you’re my best friend. I had to tell you.” Her voice was low now, almost a whisper.
“Don’t tell Mama I told you, okay?”
“Okay.”
We sat down in front of the washing machine, which was still chugging away.
“Why do you think he doesn’t want to stay here?”
I shrugged. I couldn’t imagine a reason why.
“Maybe he doesn’t like the job,” I said. “Or maybe he doesn’t like this park.”
“But if he had a permanent job, you wouldn’t have to live in this park. You could get an apartment like us, maybe even right next door. And we could go to school together and everything.”
I shook my head, felt tears stinging my eyes. It sounded like a dream. Why wouldn’t Daddy want to stay where we could live in an apartment like a real family?
Finally, the washing machine chugged to a stop. We moved clothes into the dryer, put in a dollar’s worth of quarters, and ran back to Lashaundra’s.
“Remember,” she said before we walked inside. “Don’t tell Mama what I told you.”
I nodded miserably. I wanted to ask Mrs. Johnson if it was true, but I didn’t want to get Lashaundra in trouble.
“Do you girls want to go into town?” Mrs. Johnson asked. “I have to go to the post office and pick up some things at the store.”
“Okay,” Lashaundra said.
I shook my head. “I have to go home,” I lied, not meeting her eyes. “I have to help Emma with . . . something. I’ll see you later.”
The Seventh Mother Page 9