Over the sound of the dogs growling and the wind screaming, Quint said, “Langstone’s fucking lost it. Look at this hovel! He hasn’t even tried to conceal that all is not right here. That makes him more dangerous than I thought he would be. It means he no longer cares… doesn’t give a shit. Where are his staff?”
I felt Quint hesitate. I could no longer move forward, I was stuck to the spot. And while Quint pondered silently, blocking my vision as to what was going through his mind, I stared up at the remains of what was left of Cruor Pharma’s sister company. I had never been here before, at least I didn’t think that I had, but I had seen photographs of this place and it hadn’t looked like this. It was an old building, and in the pictures I had seen, it had been well kept, tidy, clean, full of staff, and the trees had been thriving. This monstrosity that now faced me wasn’t just an image of how bad things had got here, it felt bad. It was like it harboured terrible things – death – pain – hopelessness. I shuddered but not from the wind.
Crouching low to make myself smaller, I said, “Why don’t we just find the volunteers and get them out of here? This place can’t have anything for them. I don’t know of your plans, Quint, but I’m sure it must be better than staying here.” I waited in silence for his response. But Quint just lingered under the tree. I continued to talk. “You must have a plan, Quint. You want the volunteers but surely you don’t want to stay here? You have someplace for them to go… somewhere you believe Middleton and all the other demons can’t get at them… haven’t you?”
Forcing me to stand, Quint spoke up. “I wasn’t expecting this… I thought out of all the demons, Langstone wouldn’t bat an eye about the volunteers… wouldn’t be interested… but I was wrong. I’m just not sure what it is that he wants. The volunteers are useless to him in regards to the Cleaners. The Cleaners have no interest in Langstone… yet here it seems that he is holding onto them… why?”
I shrugged. “How the fuck should I know? You let me in and then you shut me out. I have more missing memories than someone suffering from amnesia!” I let out a deep sigh. “Look, nothing is gonna get solved while we stand about under this dead tree! What are we gonna do?”
I didn’t think Quint was going to answer me but suddenly I heard his voice deep within my head, and as he began to speak I felt his resistance in my limbs weaken. “Round up the volunteers, Ben… find them… all of them. I’ll get back to you soon.”
I stumbled forward, suddenly having full control over myself and said, “What...? That’s it? Quint?” But he had gone. Slunk away deep inside me. Faced with the freedom to go and do what I thought was right, I felt strange again, just like I had done on that lonely road on the outskirts of Carden. As I stepped back out onto the gravel path, I checked my surroundings. Where would Kassidy be? There was a flickering light coming from the ruin and another dim light coming from a building opposite the ruin.
“This is Langstone’s place,” I muttered. “He’d be in the ruin.” My eyes focused on the other building. My gut instinct told me to go there. I walked as silently as I could until I was stood by the door. But instead of heading in that way, I looked up at the building. Using what Quint had installed within me, I climbed up to the first floor, and inching my fingers under the window frame, I pulled it open and climbed inside.
CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE
Kassidy
With the bottle of whisky in my hand, I stood up. My head felt a little woozy. Angry and sad, I looked at Jude and asked, “How come my father got to live… why didn’t Middleton have him killed?”
“I think your father had seen enough to keep his silence. Who in their right mind would want to be constantly reminded of what had happened?” answered Jude. “And besides, he had you to think about.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Your father stays quiet and in repayment… Doctor Middleton allows you to live,” said Jude, “I think that was probably what happened. And as the years went by… your father became even less of a threat.”
“How?”
Jude’s eyes fell upon the bottle of whisky still clasped in my hand and said, “No one is gonna believe the ramblings of a pisshead.”
Jude’s words stung – made me feel angry. A rage deep inside me was coming to the boil. I could feel it in my veins. VA20 felt like it was rising within me, pushed on by those evil voices that seemed to live in my head. I lurched forward and snatched hold of Jude by the collar of his shirt and shook him violently. I screamed into his face. “Pisshead! He was a pisshead because of you! Because of what happened to him!” With all my weight, I shoved Jude back against the bed, climbed onto him, my knees pinning him down, and grabbed a handful of his hair. I yanked his head up, and with my other hand, slapped him over and over again. “You fucking evil, hateful arsehole! I hate you! It’s because of you and the others why my father couldn’t look me in the eye! That’s why he never loved me! Every day he must have been reminded of what had happened by just looking at me. I must have been a constant reminder.” Gasping for breath, and wiping away the tears that ran down my face with my arm, I shouted, “I bet he wished I’d never been born – didn’t he?!”
Jude lay still underneath me, his arms down by his side. His blue eyes stared up at me as if he were lost somehow. Then regaining his composure, he whispered, “I’m sure that’s not true. I’m sure he loved you.”
Shaking my head slowly, tears spilling from my eyes onto Jude’s face, I sobbed. “My parents needed the money because of me… if I hadn’t existed… then… then… they wouldn’t be dead. How can you love someone that has caused you so much heartache… so much pain?” I closed my eyes and whispered, “I saw it in his eyes… he loathed me… I know it…”
Bringing his arm up slowly, Jude wiped away the tears tricking down my cheek and said, “It was because he loved you that he did it. He didn’t hate you. He drank himself to death to blot out what had happened. Not because he couldn’t bear the sight of you. This is not your fault. This is my fault and every other demon that exists plays a part in it.” Jude dropped his arm away and screwed his eyes shut tight. “I’m so sorry. Truly I am. If there’s any hate in this room, then it’s the hate I feel for myself. Can you ever forgive me?”
I released the hold I had on Jude and clambered off of him. Staring into his eyes and wiping the tears from my face, I said, “When do demons ever ask for forgiveness? When do creatures like you ever feel hate for themselves?”
Leaning up on his elbows, Jude said, “But I do feel it, it’s in here right now.” He pointed to his chest. “It’s eating away at me.”
I shook my head and whispered, “No. That’s not you. That’s the real Jude Middleton. Someone you can never truly be.” I turned my back on him and headed for the door.
CHAPTER FORTY
Kassidy
As I closed the door behind me, I could hear Jude call out.
“I’ll still fight for you… I won’t let the Cleaners get you… I promise. Even if you can’t forgive me.”
I walked away. The hallway was dark. What should I do next, I wondered? I should probably go and see Max, Raven, and Sylvia. Tell them what had happened. They were probably waiting for me to come down with Jude’s blood on my hands. But I wasn’t ready to talk to anyone. The tears I had shed had dried up – disappeared. Now I just felt numb – a little spaced out. The whisky had helped there.
I stopped outside the room I had slept in and opened the door. A cold blast of air hit me. The window was wide open. Had I opened it earlier today? I couldn’t remember. Closing the door behind me, the room fell into darkness, I headed across the room and pulled the window shut. I knelt on the bed and stared out at the ruined building that seemed to dominate so much of this hell-ridden place. A candle still burned in the downstairs room where Doctor Langstone waited for our return. But what was the point? Nothing had been sorted – nothing had been discussed as to what we were going to do. We were still no further forward other than I had discovered what had happen
ed to my mother and why my father had hit the bottle. Was Jude really Doshia? Or was he Eras as he claimed? Did it matter? They were both demons, after all. Langstone had earlier said that Eras, Quint, Doshia, or Trabek could rule the Cleaners. All four had a vested interest in keeping us all for themselves… but there was something in Jude’s eyes that told me he was speaking the truth. Even so, that still didn’t make the past any better. Jude had still played a part in what had happened to my parents and in what had happened to me. But what I struggled with so much was that I knew there was still some of the real Jude in there with Eras and it was the same with Ben. It was like having two people half dead and deciding on whether to kill them – put them out of their misery. It was like turning off the life support machine knowing that the person still clung to some life. It was Eras and Quint who needed to die. Not Jude and Ben. But I couldn’t see any way of fixing that. There wasn’t. You couldn’t have one without the other.
“Just fucking kill them both!” screeched the voices in my head.
Clenching my fists, I shouted, “Whoever you all are… shut the hell up! I’m sick of hearing from you! Why should I listen to you anyway?” I pulled open the satchel that lay on the bed and yanked out the photo of my father.
“You mustn’t listen to those voices… don’t give up… fight them!”
I shook my head and whispered, “And who the hell are you?” It was the voice I had heard out by the gate. The one that had told me to make a path. Was I really hearing all this? Or was I slowly turning mad? The voice didn’t answer me but instead, someone else did.
“Who are you talking to?”
I turned around quickly, startled to know that someone was in my room. I stood up on the bed, ready to fight. My heart pounded in my chest and I could feel the VA20 shift within me.
“Who is it… what do you want?” I snapped, feeling my heart jump as the dark shadow of a man stepped out from the far corner of the room. I heard myself gasp as my eyes adjusted. It was Ben. A sudden feeling of relief filled me but was gone in a blink of an eye when I realised that it could be Quint.
He stepped toward me. My inner feelings sent shivers running up my spine. A feeling of fear seemed to linger in the room. Without even thinking about it, I leapt to the right and found myself clambering up the wall until I had reached the ceiling. I gasped out loud. Suddenly fearing not only Quint but the fact that I had somehow ended up on the ceiling again.
I turned my head and looked down upon Ben’s wide eyes.
“Kassidy! What the… Shit!” He held up his arms as if unsure as to what to do. “This is my fault… my fucking fault!”
I watched from the ceiling as he began to pace about underneath me. He lashed out at the mirror on the wall, shattering it into tiny pieces. Then looking up at me, he said, “Get off the ceiling… come down here now!”
Afraid I was going to fall, I pinned myself tightly to the ceiling and said, “Are you Ben… or Quint?”
“Ben! I’m Ben,” he sounded angry.
I closed my eyes, grateful to know that it was Ben. I could feel tears well up in my eyes. I didn’t know why I was crying but maybe it was because I needed someone and that someone was Ben. I turned my head slowly and looked down at him. My voice came out in short, sharp sobs. “I… don’t know… how to. I’m stuck.”
Ben ran his fingers through his hair and stared up at me. Shaking his head but with a smile appearing on his lips, he said, “I haven’t been away from you that long and you’ve already got yourself into a right mess. Wait there, I’ll come and get you.”
I watched Ben climb up the wall with ease and across the ceiling to where I was stuck. He moved with speed as if it were second nature to him. Ben stopped beside me, his blue eyes had a sparkle to them as if he were pleased to see me, yet there was a sadness in them too, like he pitied me.
Through my tears, I whispered, “I don’t need your sympathy. I don’t want you to feel sorry for me. I know I must look a wreck and I’m guessing that things won’t get any better for me, but…” I broke off, another sob escaping between my lips. I suddenly felt ashamed. Embarrassed by what I was becoming. The black veins were hard enough to stomach but now I was crawling about ceilings like some creature, hearing voices and talking out loud to them. Rightly or wrongly, I had viewed Sylvia as some kind of loony, and now as I looked at Ben, I wondered if he viewed me like that too. I hated the loss of control I had over my actions. I was a freak. I didn’t want anyone to see me like this.
Ben slipped one arm around my back, the both of us pinned to the ceiling, and leant his head toward me. I could feel the warmth of his breath against my cheek and smell the musky scent of aftershave. The warmth from his body seemed to wrap itself around me, soothing the turmoil that raged inside my head.
“What do you want then?” he whispered, edging nearer until he was under me, cocooning my body against the ceiling.
I shuddered as I felt his lips brush against the back of my neck. With my nose touching the ceiling, I muttered, “I want to get off this bloody ceiling… that’s what I want.” I laughed through my tears as Ben slid his hand down my side stopping at my waist. He pushed his body tight into mine and began to guide me across the ceiling. I turned my head and looked down. The floor seemed a long way away and I tensed up, fearful that I would fall.
“Just relax… I’ve got you. I won’t let you fall,” whispered Ben.
He continued to move under me, his strong limbs keeping me safe from falling. Each stir of his body so natural it was like this was how it should be – how we should be.
“Listen,” said Ben, breathing down my neck, “We’ve reached the wall, I’m gonna climb down over you and then I’ll be able to take you down.”
Feeling panicked, I said, “But I might fall… if you let me go…”
“You won’t fall… I won’t let that happen… trust me,” he whispered, shifting his body slowly down the length of my back.
I pushed myself tight to the ceiling, the palms of my hands pressed firmly against the plaster. I couldn’t help but question in my head about the trust issue. But, I was in a position where I had no choice but to trust Ben. I closed my eyes and waited.
It was probably only seconds but felt more like minutes until Ben’s hand reached for me. He wrapped an arm over my back and gripped me by the waist, easing me down until I was now pushed against the wall. The climb down was quick and I breathed a sigh of relief as my feet touched the floor. I turned to face him and stared up into his eyes. There was no sign of Quint and I flung my arms around Ben’s body, not even caring if he wanted me to. All I wanted was comfort… safety…someone to listen to me… someone to trust… love? Maybe it was all those things. Maybe I felt so alone – so scared, that any kind of attention would do. Even if it was from someone who had got me into this mess – someone who had a demon in them. I buried my face into Ben’s chest and gripped him tightly. I didn’t want to let go. Expecting him to push me away like he had done before, I was surprised when I felt his arms pull me tighter into him. I could feel our bodies melt together as Ben’s lips met mine. We were falling… dissolving into each other… caught up in a moment of longing – a desire for each other.
We fell onto the bed. I shuddered as Ben slipped his hands up under my top removing it in seconds. His lips kissed mine, his tongue warm and wet inside my mouth. I arched my back as Ben’s finger’s removed my bra. I caught sight of those ugly black veins that streaked my body. And although I hated the sight of them – hated the fact that Ben could see them, I suddenly didn’t care, not now.
“Is this what you want?” murmured Ben, stripping me of my last clothing, leaving me bare against the heat of his body. The stare of his blue eyes seemed to swallow me in – a look of enticement – coaxing, that couldn’t be resisted. Not that I wanted to resist and I certainly didn’t need to be coaxed.
I reached out and pulled open his shirt. My hands moulded around his muscles. Just the feel of his body sent electric shocks through me. I sh
uddered and breathed, “You know it’s want I want.” I pulled him down onto me, wrapping my legs around him.
“I can’t push you away anymore,” whispered Ben. “I don’t want to, even though I know I should. But you’ve played on my mind for so long…I can’t get you out of my head. You’re like a craving that won’t go away. I feel like I need you so bad, Kassidy, I want every part of you.” He grabbed hold of my face and stared into my eyes. “I want you to know that this isn’t just some turn-on – some one-night stand. I want you forever, and now I have you, I ain’t ever gonna let you go. Whatever happens, we’re in it together right to the very end.”
Caught in the enchantment of his stare, his words seemed to float away into the shadows of the room. I shuddered as his hand slipped down between my legs and his lips found mine. Matching his stare, I kissed him back, my twisted nails grazing his shoulders. My heart thumped wildly as his tongue left my mouth and travelled down my throat and between my breasts. I breathed heavily as his fingers moved in and out. Then, as if he couldn’t wait any longer, he brought his face back up to mine, kissed my lips, and pushed himself inside of me.
Ben snatched a handful of my hair, turning my head so he could kiss my neck. His breath tingled my skin and I pulled him in further. I needed him – wanted to feel him – my body yearned for his touch. If he wanted every part of me, he could have it – anything. I was lost in our eagerness for each other and right now that was all I cared about. But it didn’t matter – my heart told me that this was what I wanted, and like Ben had said to me, I wasn’t gonna let him go either.
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